Feedback appreciated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2024
Posts: 9
Feedback appreciated
I have checked in throughout the years on this forum and this is my first time posting. I am looking for people who have lived this life to weigh in on my story. Any comments or advice are appreciated. Here is my story…
I am a 54 year old man with a good job , a great wife and two successful adult children ages 25 and 22. By all accounts I have it all and I am grateful. I have been fortunate enough to have the stability of my wife’s family for the past 35 years because my own family has been a casualty of substance abuse and chaos for many years.
My mother died of cancer when I was 19 and I was left with a 12 year old sister (at the time) and an abusive father who was not emotionally equipped or fit to be a parent. He normalized drug use and often bragged about it. (FYI…He was a lifelong addict who was addicted to opioids up until the end of his life). I tried to look after my sister as best I could however I moved out to begin my life and my career. However, I stayed in close contact with her and helped her as best I could. Unfortunately, this began her path of self destruction.
Over the past 15 years her life of chaos and substance abuse has gotten worse. She has been arrested over 20 times in 6 different states (Driving under the influence, Grand larceny, Petit theft, countless domestic issues, drug possession numerous times etc.) She has bounced around from one “boyfriend” to another , never held a steady job and it has been very sad. At first, I tried to be a good brother. I talked to her often, coached her and gave life advice. I visited her in jail the first time,I sent care packages, gave her money, visited her in rehab, however her behavior never changed. Eventually I had enough and this caused me to cut her off from seeing my children. She has not seen them or communicated with them for 15 years and I have not seen her for 10 years. I always hoped she would enter recovery, but she did not. Since she settled in another state, there was never any chance of connection.
Meanwhile, my father refused to believe she had a real drug problem and gave me hell for cutting her out of my life. Even though she stole from him and saw him only once over the past 10 years, she would call to check in with him. He lived in denial to the day he died. I would get constant grief over not speaking to her but I knew her behavior never changed. I would see her mugshots online and over the years be able to follow her court cases through public data bases. I knew I made the right decision to separate from her, for my family and I but it was depressing and sad.
Fast forward, my father , who lived three hours from me, fell into bad health. For the past 7 years, I took care of him, his house and everything as he declined into Dementia. The last few years were hell. I did it all myself, with the support of my family. It was extremely stressful and emotionally draining. I tried to manage everything (job, my own family, kids in college etc). It has been a lot. Taking care of him led to anxiety, insomnia and a lot of trauma. It was not easy caring for an abusive, aggressive drug addict with Dementia. It has taken its toll. He subsequently died and I handled his mess of an estate. Now, I had to connect with my sister and alert her of the fact that her father died and that she is entitled to a small inheritance.
Over the past year, she has become homeless and has been arrested multiple times for prostitution (something I kept from my father before he died) and it has been heartbreaking. In January, I tracked her down and informed her of our father’s death. I tried to be patient and encourage her to seek treatment. I played phone tag with her for a few months and I tried to help her get her money. Reconnecting with her was difficult and emotionally draining. I was hopeful and naive to think that my speaking with her and informing her about the money would motivate her to change. It hasn’t. FYI….She doesn’t have my new address or phone number and I refuse to give it to her, so the only communication she has is letters from prison sent to my old address.
I didn’t hear from her for a while and then found out that she was arrested for Fentanyl possession. Her mugshot was horrifying. She proceeded to write me five letters from prison, asking to be bailed out and for food. I didn’t respond but sent food when she claimed that she was going to enroll in a court mandated program. She was released upon her own recognizance. She said she would contact me in rehab and I was hopeful that this would lead to change. I expected some contact from her over the past three months or contact from a counselor. I did not hear anything. She told me she would call my father’s phone upon entering the rehab. I checked it often and no messages. I had a bad feeling.
The next contact was another rambling letter from jail. She was arrested for petit theft. She tried to explain but her letter was filled with lies and guilt. She is telling me that she has no one and that our mother would want us together and I can’t turn my back on her. She then asked for food. I did not send food but I wrote a long letter explaining my feelings and sent it to her explaining my boundaries and my feelings. Eventually this pattern continued and she was arrested multiple times and she has been in and out of prison. Each mugshot is worse than the one before. When she is in jail she bombards me with letters, some half apologetic and others half legible and incoherent letters. She asks for more money and food and tells me all sorts of stories and explanations that are all lies. Everytime I see a letter from jail it heightens my stress. It has been one year since I have “reconnected” and it has been mentally draining.
I have read all about addiction. I have listened to podcasts and I have been to counseling. Since reconnecting with her my anxiety symptoms are worse and my wife is worried about me. She wants me to cut off all contact and if she is ever able to claim the money I will pass it since it is my legal obligation. Although I have kept this away from my adult kids, my wife sees what this is doing to me. I have found myself thinking about this way too often and on some days it's overwhelming. Anyway, I do not want to deal with her. I feel terrible and heartbroken that my little sister is sick and I have guilt over not wanting to be involved, but I really see no hope. Her addiction has progressed to the point that her brain is rewired and that she is only focused on the next use. I feel and know I am powerless. I wish that all of this suffering would end for both of us. I realize that she is 46 and is responsible for her own recovery, but for whatever reason I can’t shake all of this. I feel like I am in a no win situation. I hate to say that she might be bottomless and not salvageable . Although I am not directly involved in anything, I feel I am right back in the mental chaos I have tried to avoid by separating from her all those years ago.
Am I wrong for wanting to cut off all ties? Thanks for reading this long story and any comments and thoughts are appreciated.
I am a 54 year old man with a good job , a great wife and two successful adult children ages 25 and 22. By all accounts I have it all and I am grateful. I have been fortunate enough to have the stability of my wife’s family for the past 35 years because my own family has been a casualty of substance abuse and chaos for many years.
My mother died of cancer when I was 19 and I was left with a 12 year old sister (at the time) and an abusive father who was not emotionally equipped or fit to be a parent. He normalized drug use and often bragged about it. (FYI…He was a lifelong addict who was addicted to opioids up until the end of his life). I tried to look after my sister as best I could however I moved out to begin my life and my career. However, I stayed in close contact with her and helped her as best I could. Unfortunately, this began her path of self destruction.
Over the past 15 years her life of chaos and substance abuse has gotten worse. She has been arrested over 20 times in 6 different states (Driving under the influence, Grand larceny, Petit theft, countless domestic issues, drug possession numerous times etc.) She has bounced around from one “boyfriend” to another , never held a steady job and it has been very sad. At first, I tried to be a good brother. I talked to her often, coached her and gave life advice. I visited her in jail the first time,I sent care packages, gave her money, visited her in rehab, however her behavior never changed. Eventually I had enough and this caused me to cut her off from seeing my children. She has not seen them or communicated with them for 15 years and I have not seen her for 10 years. I always hoped she would enter recovery, but she did not. Since she settled in another state, there was never any chance of connection.
Meanwhile, my father refused to believe she had a real drug problem and gave me hell for cutting her out of my life. Even though she stole from him and saw him only once over the past 10 years, she would call to check in with him. He lived in denial to the day he died. I would get constant grief over not speaking to her but I knew her behavior never changed. I would see her mugshots online and over the years be able to follow her court cases through public data bases. I knew I made the right decision to separate from her, for my family and I but it was depressing and sad.
Fast forward, my father , who lived three hours from me, fell into bad health. For the past 7 years, I took care of him, his house and everything as he declined into Dementia. The last few years were hell. I did it all myself, with the support of my family. It was extremely stressful and emotionally draining. I tried to manage everything (job, my own family, kids in college etc). It has been a lot. Taking care of him led to anxiety, insomnia and a lot of trauma. It was not easy caring for an abusive, aggressive drug addict with Dementia. It has taken its toll. He subsequently died and I handled his mess of an estate. Now, I had to connect with my sister and alert her of the fact that her father died and that she is entitled to a small inheritance.
Over the past year, she has become homeless and has been arrested multiple times for prostitution (something I kept from my father before he died) and it has been heartbreaking. In January, I tracked her down and informed her of our father’s death. I tried to be patient and encourage her to seek treatment. I played phone tag with her for a few months and I tried to help her get her money. Reconnecting with her was difficult and emotionally draining. I was hopeful and naive to think that my speaking with her and informing her about the money would motivate her to change. It hasn’t. FYI….She doesn’t have my new address or phone number and I refuse to give it to her, so the only communication she has is letters from prison sent to my old address.
I didn’t hear from her for a while and then found out that she was arrested for Fentanyl possession. Her mugshot was horrifying. She proceeded to write me five letters from prison, asking to be bailed out and for food. I didn’t respond but sent food when she claimed that she was going to enroll in a court mandated program. She was released upon her own recognizance. She said she would contact me in rehab and I was hopeful that this would lead to change. I expected some contact from her over the past three months or contact from a counselor. I did not hear anything. She told me she would call my father’s phone upon entering the rehab. I checked it often and no messages. I had a bad feeling.
The next contact was another rambling letter from jail. She was arrested for petit theft. She tried to explain but her letter was filled with lies and guilt. She is telling me that she has no one and that our mother would want us together and I can’t turn my back on her. She then asked for food. I did not send food but I wrote a long letter explaining my feelings and sent it to her explaining my boundaries and my feelings. Eventually this pattern continued and she was arrested multiple times and she has been in and out of prison. Each mugshot is worse than the one before. When she is in jail she bombards me with letters, some half apologetic and others half legible and incoherent letters. She asks for more money and food and tells me all sorts of stories and explanations that are all lies. Everytime I see a letter from jail it heightens my stress. It has been one year since I have “reconnected” and it has been mentally draining.
I have read all about addiction. I have listened to podcasts and I have been to counseling. Since reconnecting with her my anxiety symptoms are worse and my wife is worried about me. She wants me to cut off all contact and if she is ever able to claim the money I will pass it since it is my legal obligation. Although I have kept this away from my adult kids, my wife sees what this is doing to me. I have found myself thinking about this way too often and on some days it's overwhelming. Anyway, I do not want to deal with her. I feel terrible and heartbroken that my little sister is sick and I have guilt over not wanting to be involved, but I really see no hope. Her addiction has progressed to the point that her brain is rewired and that she is only focused on the next use. I feel and know I am powerless. I wish that all of this suffering would end for both of us. I realize that she is 46 and is responsible for her own recovery, but for whatever reason I can’t shake all of this. I feel like I am in a no win situation. I hate to say that she might be bottomless and not salvageable . Although I am not directly involved in anything, I feel I am right back in the mental chaos I have tried to avoid by separating from her all those years ago.
Am I wrong for wanting to cut off all ties? Thanks for reading this long story and any comments and thoughts are appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 146
First of all, I am sorry for what you have gone through. Addiction is soul-killing, not just for the addict, but for those who care about them.
I do not think you are wrong for cutting all ties. You have tried to help, have pointed her in the direction of recovery, but only she can do the hard work. You must think of yourself and your family and what is best. Sometimes it comes down to survival: it's her or me. I know that sounds harsh, but true nevertheless. Remember the 3 C's of Alanon: you did not CAUSE it, you cannot CURE it and you cannot CONTROL it.
I say all this from experience. I had to let go of an alcoholic husband and now a son. The lies, manipulations, drama, gaslighting, etc. are too much to bear.
I recommend attending Alanon meetings. God be with you.
I do not think you are wrong for cutting all ties. You have tried to help, have pointed her in the direction of recovery, but only she can do the hard work. You must think of yourself and your family and what is best. Sometimes it comes down to survival: it's her or me. I know that sounds harsh, but true nevertheless. Remember the 3 C's of Alanon: you did not CAUSE it, you cannot CURE it and you cannot CONTROL it.
I say all this from experience. I had to let go of an alcoholic husband and now a son. The lies, manipulations, drama, gaslighting, etc. are too much to bear.
I recommend attending Alanon meetings. God be with you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 20
I had to walk away from my ex a few years ago due to much of the same. My life with him became absolute hell. But we shared no children and even if we did, there was never any obligation for me to stay other than one that I bought into. A family member on the other hand is more difficult to cut ties with for someone who cares. My ex had family members who no longer cared about him, and I’m not sure how they were able to do this. At the time I thought it was a shame, but now I envy them in a way. In your case, your sister is the last connection you have with your immediate family, so naturally you feel an attachment. Maybe if you had several other siblings and your parents were alive you wouldn’t be so affected. I think grief counseling would be the best thing for you because you’ve dealt with so much loss. She may still be alive, but the person she was probably isn’t there anymore, that’s the sad reality. At her age, she isn’t likely to change. And I’m sorry your dad left her money, because people with addictions can’t handle money responsibly. He should have known better, but he couldn’t admit that he had a bad influence on her. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2024
Posts: 9
Hello again
Thanks again for your responses. I cannot tell you how often I go back and read them. It is truly appreciated. After my sister was released from jail in December, it was just a matter of time before she was arrested again. I knew the next letter from the prison was eventually going to come. Every time I checked the mail, I was anxious and hoping no letter would be there. Sure enough, the letter came on Monday. I did not open it and will not read it. The letter was from the prison. She is in jail again. No surprise.
I spoke with my wife and decided to write her a letter essentially cutting her off. I told her I do not trust anything she says and that I am not equipped at this stage of my life to be a part of her chaos and self destruction. I told her I will not send her food or money and would not read any more letters from a correctional facility. I also told her to only contact me, in writing, if she is ready to receive her inheritance from our father.
I feel it is necessary for my mental health and my wife agrees. I do not want to be a part of any of this. However, I feel a sense of guilt. Thanks for reading. Hope you all are well.
Thanks,
Newguy2024
I spoke with my wife and decided to write her a letter essentially cutting her off. I told her I do not trust anything she says and that I am not equipped at this stage of my life to be a part of her chaos and self destruction. I told her I will not send her food or money and would not read any more letters from a correctional facility. I also told her to only contact me, in writing, if she is ready to receive her inheritance from our father.
I feel it is necessary for my mental health and my wife agrees. I do not want to be a part of any of this. However, I feel a sense of guilt. Thanks for reading. Hope you all are well.
Thanks,
Newguy2024
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
Hello New Guy, Your original post really moved me and I can relate as I have a family member who I fear is taking a similar path and it feels like there is no stopping her, and like you I often feel overwhelmed with anxiety about her. I have been seeing a psychologist about the situation and she recently encouraged me to accept that I can not save her. She reminded me that if I go into to save the drowning person who does not want to be saved , all that will happen is I will drown with them. Remain on the shore and be there should they ever decide to make it back. I really feel for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hi Newguy
I would agree that you are doing the right thing, the only thing left, to protect your own health.
You have tried your absolute best to offer support to your sister over the years, to no avail.
When our own health starts to suffer, I believe it's time to call it a day.
Don't set yourself on fire, to keep some else warm.
Much Love
Bute x
I would agree that you are doing the right thing, the only thing left, to protect your own health.
You have tried your absolute best to offer support to your sister over the years, to no avail.
When our own health starts to suffer, I believe it's time to call it a day.
Don't set yourself on fire, to keep some else warm.
Much Love
Bute x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2024
Posts: 1
I guess I feel like you should get her share of her inheritance to her.. and in your shoes I would turn the rest over to my Higher Power. Let Go and Let the God of Your Understanding handle the rest. I don't believe in God per se... but I believe in my inner wisdom that emerges when I am serene, I believe in the wisdoms of my home Al Anon group, I believe that I cannot control, save, fix, or change an addict, nor do I even want to anymore.
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