Grace4today

My AH either drinks or vapes thc every day. He is in denial that he has a problem to me but today in therapy admitted he knew it was a problem.
it felt like a win that we went to therapy, first time in over a year…
tonight however he’s drinking wine and being rude to me. I have a hard time controlling my tongue when he belittles me especially when he’s drinking. Him being under the influence triggers me.
I don’t feel safe because he cannot attune to me. He is not abusive physically. I am working in ACA and going to Al-Anon meetings.
I’m beginning to wonder if I am able to be in a relationship with someone who does drugs and drinks alcohol or not We’ve been married 7 years this year.
why does this dance make the sober one feel insane?
why do I want to control?
why do I respond in anger?
I have a connection with my HP and I trust my HP.
my AH blames me for my behaviors in the past and does not forgive me for wrongs I’ve done. I work another 12 step program and have been sober for 3 years. I do not drink or do drugs or act out.
I feel so manipulated and financially dependent.
I feel stuck. I would love ESH.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Grace4Today

It doesn't sound like you get much out of the relationship when he's drinking/drugging ...
do you think there's a chance he'll continue to go with you to counselling?

D

Grace4today

I hope so…

Dee74

I'm sure others with more ESH than me will be along shortly

D

TiredCarpenter

I was this way with my wife back when I was drinking. It was a cry for help. I was hurting alot inside and, inappropriately, unfortunately
, projected that into blame and a rampant unforgiveness.
It seems he needs to push through some pain here.
Perhaps the recent admission of a problem is a crack that will let some light in and, hopefully, some forward momentum for positive change and growth.
From the alcoholic side we often want to advise
“don’t take it personally” gee…that seems like a tough thing to suggest (a tall order).
I may be rambling, but it seems, perhaps there is some hope here.
If he can recognize what he is hurting about and address that, maybe some growth or relief can come.
The willingness to seek sobriety, even harm reduction, has to be there though.

Maziegrace

It is often really hard for an alcoholic to admit to anyone and especially their loved one that they have a problem. We are too close and their disease needs them to deny it in order to keep them drinking or using. Denial is one of the main -isms of this disease.
Keep working on you, going to meetings. If you don’t have a sponsor, try to get one. Read everything you can on alcoholism, go to open AA speaker meetings to understand their stories and point of view. Work on your recovery like your life depends on it. It does! It can be extremely hard emotionally to live with an active drinker. This disease wants us to feel insane, hopeless, in despair. That’s why it’s so important to work on ourselves. And working on ourselves is actually the one thing we CAN do that might help the alcoholic seek recovery.
It’s really ok to express care and concern about them. I told my husband I knew I couldn’t make him get sober, but if he decided he was ready to get help ( in his case go to detox) to let me know and I would take him anytime, day or night. He came close to death, but today he is over seven years sober. There is hope, but we have to start with ourselves.