He's gone isn't he?
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Join Date: Nov 2022
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The court was today, I confirmed on Friday and figured I would spend the weekend taking it easy and focusing on the kids. It worked until Sunday. The more the day progressed the less I ate, less I spoke. I tossed and turned all night just to officially get out of bed at 4am. Court was at 8:30am. 8:am I was the first in the waiting area. Made sure to sit with my back turned and to not react everytime I heard a new person walking behind me. Soon I was brought into a room along with other victims where we were asked repeatedly if we wished to continue. A few women said "no" I found myself wanting ti shake my head, but heard myself confirming yes. After that it was a blur. I was asked twice if I was okay, I guess I didn't look so good. By the time they called me in to tell me how the final hearing would go (that wasn't today which made it worse imagining having to come back again to hear and read evidence.) I could barely talk. The officers started to offer me water and tissues. Once they started telling him how Restraining Orders work in New Jersey. That they don't expire, and how it can complicate his life. I lost it. I really don't know it happened I just couldn't breath, and everything sounded really far away, my vision was as if there were so many dark spots everywhere and then I felt hands on me. Before I knew it I was in a ambulance on the way to the hospital. Low blood preassure. I have pre eclampsia. And they rescheduled the final hearing for Wednesday. How am I suppose to get through this? I just tried to get through 1 video from the day of the incident and I am in tears. How did my life get like this? I lost myself by trying to save him. I'm suppose to be getting my hospital bag ready and watching movies and talking about the new addition to our family, all things I never got to do because it was always me having to focus on him. And now I'm alone and I can't even get through a court hearing. How am I suppose to be strong enough for my kids? I feel so weak.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Just4, what a horrible day you had! I'm so sorry it was like that.
Is it at all possible that the hearing could be rescheduled until after you have the baby?
If not, please take some support. If you don't have anyone close that can go with you, you could try calling the DV and see if they have someone available to go with you. Or a friend, anyone you know that can just be there for moral support. A neighbour?
Maybe they would allow you to attend via Zoom? I would contact them or your lawyer first thing in the morning to ask about that.
Try to rest or nap whenever you can, don't forget to eat and hydrate (even if you don't feel like it). You can get through this, you have courage.
I hope you are feeling, at least, a bit better.
Is it at all possible that the hearing could be rescheduled until after you have the baby?
If not, please take some support. If you don't have anyone close that can go with you, you could try calling the DV and see if they have someone available to go with you. Or a friend, anyone you know that can just be there for moral support. A neighbour?
Maybe they would allow you to attend via Zoom? I would contact them or your lawyer first thing in the morning to ask about that.
Try to rest or nap whenever you can, don't forget to eat and hydrate (even if you don't feel like it). You can get through this, you have courage.
I hope you are feeling, at least, a bit better.
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Join Date: Nov 2022
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Well I did it, I did the c section on my own on April 4th. I had some complications but still wouldn't have it any other way. Because I went to that hospital when the incident happened they knew of my DV case. And the team that was assigned to me was just... Gods Angel's. Those doctors those nurses the whole time treated me so amazing. One nurse put her head against mine as I was getting my spinal and told me I am the strongest person she has ever met, that one day she hopes I can see what she sees. Every. Single. Person on that staff took the time to sit and talk to me. My 2 doctors gave me flowers and nurses wrote me cards. I knew I needed to do this on my own, but these people showed me when I was at my most vulnerable just how strong I am. I never had that. Yes. He was always by my side but once he left to be with the baby and they would close me up I would always fear I would go back to the room and he would he gone, or my wallet, or he would be in a mood. There was none of that this time. It was just us. And my baby boy? Is perfection. I named him Caleb. And although the pain still hit when I was trying to walk to recover and would see the father's there looking at their babies through the window I know I'm going to get through this.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Just4, congratulations! A lovely baby boy, that's so nice. Caleb is a great name.
And the drs and nurses being so kind, what a bunch of great people. It's so nice to hear stories like that because there are still so many great people in the world.
You are strong, look at what you have gone through and you are still here, still putting one foot in front of the other and getting things done, kudos to you.
You will get through this, you will heal and you will be fine, it will take time and taking good care of yourself. I hope you will keep posting and keep us updated.
And the drs and nurses being so kind, what a bunch of great people. It's so nice to hear stories like that because there are still so many great people in the world.
You are strong, look at what you have gone through and you are still here, still putting one foot in front of the other and getting things done, kudos to you.
You will get through this, you will heal and you will be fine, it will take time and taking good care of yourself. I hope you will keep posting and keep us updated.
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Join Date: Nov 2022
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Hey everyone thank you so much for the positive words! I have been trying my best to stay positive but ofcourse moments come where I burst out in years thinking how will I raise these kids on my own, I have been going talking about it with my therapist and I think I'm ready to start group? Being around other women going through similar situations will be good. I'm just trying, I constantly get told I'm doing so great but this make me feel worse when I'm alone and break down. The final restraining order date changed to May 1st I was getting anxious until the prosicuters office called today. His court date was April 17th for the hitting, and they are also hitting him with strangulation with is no joke in New Jersey. They called to say he isn't showing up to any court dates, I contacted my lawyer she said it's doubtful he will show up to my court dates or anything concerning the kids after this, that I should be happy everything will be a breeze. I SHOULD be happy. Why is there a part of me thinking why is he doing this? He is going down such a dark path. Has he given up? Did I push him in that direction? I stood up for myself and for our kids but I don't want to be the cause of anyone giving up on life. I wouldn't be able to deal with that
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You are never the cause of anyone giving up on life. You have also been dealt an incredibly difficult hand by life and are you giving up? Are you letting it stop you, and fold you? No. You are making what you can out of it. You are choosing to find a way to empower yourself, even when it just feels like surviving. And where you need support, you find the trustworthy people and you let them help you. It’s incredibly difficult, but you are doing it.
He has the choice to do that for himself. And no one but himself can make him fight for himself or give up on himself.
For what it’s worth, healing and surviving like you are working on is very exhausting physically and mentally. When you are alone, your body might experience the toll it takes and it might feel really bad. But at least in my case that was how I knew my body was releasing. Overtime, because I let my body work out those physical sensations (emotions—though they sometimes felt like back pain or should pain, or trembling/shaking, nausea, headaches, and LOTS of tears), I could feel my body getting back to a more stable baseline. I also had plenty of time spent dissociated and numb, or in a heightened cortisol fight-or-flight state, and those (short-term) felt more stable because I wasn’t as emotional and didn’t feel “ill”—I felt more “in control.” But long term I could tell it was wearing my body down. When I started feeling safe enough to feel again, it felt “worse,” but in hindsight that’s when the good stuff began (but of course, everyone is different and I don’t mean to assume it’s the same at all!)
He has the choice to do that for himself. And no one but himself can make him fight for himself or give up on himself.
For what it’s worth, healing and surviving like you are working on is very exhausting physically and mentally. When you are alone, your body might experience the toll it takes and it might feel really bad. But at least in my case that was how I knew my body was releasing. Overtime, because I let my body work out those physical sensations (emotions—though they sometimes felt like back pain or should pain, or trembling/shaking, nausea, headaches, and LOTS of tears), I could feel my body getting back to a more stable baseline. I also had plenty of time spent dissociated and numb, or in a heightened cortisol fight-or-flight state, and those (short-term) felt more stable because I wasn’t as emotional and didn’t feel “ill”—I felt more “in control.” But long term I could tell it was wearing my body down. When I started feeling safe enough to feel again, it felt “worse,” but in hindsight that’s when the good stuff began (but of course, everyone is different and I don’t mean to assume it’s the same at all!)
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I don't (at least I hope) no one thinks you are going to be jolly and happy all the time, at this point!
It's going to take time, please be patient with yourself. Others probably just want to encourage you (because in fact you are doing great). You are getting everyone fed, they get to sleep and they have some fun (and I hope that means you too!). If you are able to do that each day, then you are batting a thousand.
I think wondering why he is doing this is normal. I also think there may be no way to know the answer to that, whatever is in his head is having him act this way. That has nothing to do with you. You really have almost zero control over him and never did. If you did he would be clean and sober, working and be at home watching tv in the evenings. He makes his own decisions, even if they are all skewed by drugs.
It's going to take time, please be patient with yourself. Others probably just want to encourage you (because in fact you are doing great). You are getting everyone fed, they get to sleep and they have some fun (and I hope that means you too!). If you are able to do that each day, then you are batting a thousand.
I think wondering why he is doing this is normal. I also think there may be no way to know the answer to that, whatever is in his head is having him act this way. That has nothing to do with you. You really have almost zero control over him and never did. If you did he would be clean and sober, working and be at home watching tv in the evenings. He makes his own decisions, even if they are all skewed by drugs.
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You are all right, and I'm aware it's still really fresh and I'm hormones are crazy now. It's just very consuming sometimes. The other day I made it a whole 2 days without crying. Wouldn't even let myself be sad or dare to think of his name. On that night I had a dream about him literally woke up crying like a child and its so frustrating to feel strong one minute and breaking down the next. My therapist also said I was trauma bonded and that it can be painful to move on and realize the life I was living was not good? That I was stuck in a fight or flight mode. She also said when I go down a dark path and try to think of when he was like in the beginning for me to stop and try to think of what he was like now, last year, the year before that, and the one before that. That does help alot. Since the abuse started about 4 years ago so it's not even hard to make that realization. It is however hard for me to realize just how long I put my head down to so much abuse, how much I put my kids through by staying. I just didn't see the years go by... our son Turned 3 on April 12 and I cried, he kicked my stomach in front of our daughter when I was pregnant with that son. And now 3 years later I'm seeing things through his eyes. The things he grew up seeing the fights he heard the screaming. It makes me feel so bad, and frankly angry. I'm starting to get mad at him.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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When I read this "I'm starting to get mad at him" - I actually said, out loud "good".
That's also part of moving forward. We are taught that anger is inappropriate, mostly and certainly it is in some public meltdowns! In your situation, I think its actually a good thing. You are grieving the relationship that was, originally.
Anger helps you propel yourself out of this, musters your strength, makes you realize you want to protect yourself.
It will probably fluctuate as well, like the other emotions to, but hang on to it when it happens! Eventually it may be the over-riding emotion when it comes to him. You will discard it when you don't need it anymore, so don't worry too much at this point about being angry forever.
No one walks in to the type of situation you had, it happened over time, you were busy raising kids and trying to keep things going, it happens. Your kids will be ok, you are there for them, you can answer their questions, you can let them know none of that was ok. We, as parents make mistakes sometimes. You got them out of there, that's the most important thing.
That's also part of moving forward. We are taught that anger is inappropriate, mostly and certainly it is in some public meltdowns! In your situation, I think its actually a good thing. You are grieving the relationship that was, originally.
Anger helps you propel yourself out of this, musters your strength, makes you realize you want to protect yourself.
It will probably fluctuate as well, like the other emotions to, but hang on to it when it happens! Eventually it may be the over-riding emotion when it comes to him. You will discard it when you don't need it anymore, so don't worry too much at this point about being angry forever.
No one walks in to the type of situation you had, it happened over time, you were busy raising kids and trying to keep things going, it happens. Your kids will be ok, you are there for them, you can answer their questions, you can let them know none of that was ok. We, as parents make mistakes sometimes. You got them out of there, that's the most important thing.
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