Obladi

Hey Five,

Which part of it was just that easy? The week of not drinking or the decision to down a handful of shrooms? (Not asking you a pointed question here - I sincerely am wondering.)

I think if you don't know if you're really trying, you're not really trying. I think you know what trying really really hard feels like - it's like running or biking to the point where you're sure you just can't go on even one more minute. You either drop out and say, "Sheesh, I'm out of shape. I'm not going to try that again until I lose a few pounds." OR you stay in for one more excruciating minute. And then another, and another, fighting every moment of each minute because you know eventually you'll break the wall.

Hoisting yourself out of that armchair of ambivalence doesn't get easier the longer you wait.

O

FiveTries

Both parts actually seemed easy. The week went by quickly in hindsight, but it was like flipping a switch when I was offered the mushrooms. All of the excuses were there, I felt good, it was nice outside, my family wasn't around, it had been a long time...

I think the heart of this problem is my ambivalence. In my mind I know I want and need to be clean and sober. In my life everything is setup to continue picking up. It's making me feel like I can't take a firm stance.

Obladi

My Dear Five,

I am so glad that you're back with us and hope you know that I am solidly in your (sober) corner. I am, and I know you can do this.

So I beg that you will pardon me if I'm getting you mixed up with someone else, but didn't you say when you joined us that a week (or even two) was always pretty easy for you? I mean, hasn't it always been the case that "all of the excuses were there," it had "been a long time" and you decided just to go for it?

I agree (and sympathize) that the root of the problem is ambivalence. In my mind and experience, that feeling is right at the heart of addiction.
It's not going to magically disappear, my friend. I hoped it would for many years, but apparently that is not how this thing works.
I'd venture to say the way to cut that ambivalence out of the heart of the thing is to replace it with an absolute, firm and unbreakable decision. Even if you actually don't believe that you can do it, decide that you WILL do it.
You can, Five.
But you need to decide to DO.

xo
O

Dee74

Sounds a little like me Five - I'd have one enjoyable experience drinking and that somehow negated the 20 years of bad experiences.

I think you know what to do - you're just summoning up the courage to do it, finally for good.

D

advbike

Well that's interesting. I am loaded with ambivalence.. in many aspects of my life. Not just alcohol but way more. Almost every big decision.

I wonder if I developed that as part of my addiction(s). Or vice-versa?

Food for thought..

Thanks for that interesting tidbit, O.

msl999

Here is the definition of addiction according to AVRT:

Addiction:
Addiction is chemical use or dependence that exists against one's own better judgment, and persists in spite of efforts to control or eliminate the use of the substance. Addiction exists only in a state of ambivalence, in which one strongly wants to continue drinking alcohol or using other drugs, but also wants to quit or at least reduce the painful consequences.

FiveTries

By that definition I am definitely addicted. As if I shouldn't know that by now.

I kept carrying on drinking and accepting my normal habit all this time. I told myself that I would quit. Said here that I would quit. I told myself I would post what I thought here no matter what to get it out of my head, drinking or not. Failed here. Failed there. Failed everywhere.

I am finding that I am two different people. At least two... All these thoughts are running through my head now that I'm sober, it's so different. I don't have the same level of focus at all. I feel completely looney tunes. I'm thinking about the most random stuff NONSTOP. I liked the drinking me more, so calm and clear headed and not overthinking so much. Hope it calms down sober.

I understand though why I have been so driven to shut it all off. It's all so subconscious. Some days I'm socializing with a friend and just sitting there wondering if they actually know that I'm out of my mind haha, but I believe that I must appear normal.

Half of the stuff is just going over so many things I've done wrong, or how I AM wrong. Just no confidence. Zero self worth. Self hatred. I can't enjoy just existing when I don't have alcohol in my system, but I can enjoy being alive when I'm killing myself. Makes no sense.

It used to be so easy to get a week but that's changed. A week feels so long now. I want to run away from myself. Unfortunately I know the alcohol is going to do much worse to me if I keep drinking. So I've told myself so many times, but this is it. No more making plans to drink.

I don't want to discover how much worse this all gets. I might get off easy if I can get my head together.

I feel physically so much better! It's weird actually. Guess I got used to feeling like crap. I have slept so well the past week. Now that I'm feeling much better I've got energy, I am cleaning up around the house more, working out, taking care of business. Digestive health is great and no more pains in my right side. Plus its nice to drive to the store at 9pm with no worries about the cops. Gotta hang onto those benefits.

Dee74

I thought I was too different people too 5T but once I stopped drinking I saw I really wasn't two people...I was one person under the regular influence of alcohol, and addiction?

D

FBL

Just getting caught up on this thread. My two cents...I'm seeing what I used to call "mental gymnastics." Intellectually, I knew that my drinking was slowly killing me, yet I could ALWAYS justify taking that next drink. I had resigned myself to my addiction and actually conned myself into believing that it was "fun" and "beneficial" to my overall well being. I felt that way right up to the day I went to the ER for a severe panic attack. Thankfully, that's where I had my one brief moment of clarity. That was June 22, 2009, and I've been stone cold sober ever since that day. I simply stopped fighting and surrendered.

FiveTries

Thanks FBL

I agree it's mental gymnastics. I could be an Olympian in the category by now. I read some of your posts and see that I am the same age as you when you got sober. I hope to get off the balance beam and stay sober for good too.

advbike

Glad you're working at it so hard, Five. It's crucial you make it through this or the struggle never ends. I also have a very active mind and have to use distractions that calm me down. Alcohol always works too but of course the effects are devastating, and get worse and worse with age. Have you ever been tested for ADHD? Some people do not have the full spectrum of symptoms. Aerobic exercise is the healthiest way I know of to deal with the mental chatter and constant voice of my overactive ego. I also found insight in the books about EGO by Eckhart Tolle - The Power of Now and A New Earth. The latter is a little easier to read.

FiveTries

That's interesting you bring up ADHD. I was just doing some research on it yesterday. I'm pretty sure my son has it, but I never considered the idea that I might. I definitely fit some of the symptoms. I'll have to look more at that.

I'm feeling amazing these days luckily. Today is day 4 but I think I only had about 6 drinks in the month of March. I can't remember last time I was drunk exactly, but it was in February. I got out of a drinking event tonight but there's a few coming up. Gotta make good decisions.

I'm just so much happier not drinking, getting good rest, good workouts, eating healthy, not feeling any withdrawal symptoms or hangover, and not hating myself.
Who'd have thunk?

advbike

That's really great to hear, Five. You are beginning to reap the rewards and it only gets better my friend.

Obladi

Dear Five,

How are you?

FiveTries

Good morning
I haven't been doing great, especially with staying sober.

I got drunk on Saturday. I know it's killing me, but yet I persist.

I'm tired. Mentally exhausted. I'm so busy I don't have time to think. So many projects need work. My job. Kids have to be run around to events constantly. Wife needs attention. House needs fixes.

Under the surface I'm grateful for everything. It just seems that the addiction clock is going to run out on me. I know that alcohol is contributing a lot to my problems and mentality. Just gotta ditch the stuff for good.

Then I need to focus on getting healthy.

advbike

Sorry to hear, Five. The old AV is still there working on you. What lies did it tell you this time?

I noticed you had pretty much stopped posting beforehand. In my experience, that's when the AV creeps into our consciousness.

Eventually this disease takes everything from us. I hope you get out soon. You know what to do.

Obladi

I hear you, friend.

That cycle you're in is a killer, sucks the life out of you while promising to give you an 'escape.' All I can say today is that I know you can stop for good. I just do. Facing the fallout or whatever from your wife might be unpleasant for sure, but it beats the livin daylights out of continuing to survive in what I call "the greyness."

Don't wait too long to make up your mind. I can't begin to convey the weight of regret I feel for the years I was absent from my kids. I was there doing all of the carpooling and whatnot, but even when there was no alcohol in my system I'll bet I was looking forward to when I could get away and drink again. It's absolutely shocking how much I gave away for booze. You can still avoid the worst of it - all it takes is an ironclad decision. (I say that like it's easy, and I know it isn't. But in the end that's really the only choice there is.)

O

FiveTries

Thanks advbike
The lies are always the same. Some of them seem real subtle but ultimately I know when my mind is going that direction. I just don't stop it, sometimes I agree with it.

Stopping posting here is a thing. A problem for me. I have no other support. I'm a pretty prolific reader so I catch up on old threads constantly and have a lot bookmarked. I just don't engage and usually don't feel like I have valuable input. Though not engaging is a main way my AV has a field day with me. I never call it out. When I know I'm going down I just disappear.

FiveTries

Obladi the cycle is the killer, yes. The promise of an escape... I'm basically trying to escape from my whole life. I try to be careful because some small piece of me still thinks I can get away with it.

The fallout from my wife, relatives, and friends is a factor for sure. Bigger than that is gonna be a while different life though. It's gonna be much happier to be alive of course...but socially things will be microscopic. As you said what choice is there really.

I don't want to give more away, and my regrets are already such a big part of my life. And what for. Yet that term ironclad was what stuck out to me so much the first time I read this. It scares me.

advbike

That’s the hard part, Five, and why it’s so hard for some of us - we don't quite want to rule out the possibility of a future drink at some point. That ambivalence is the killer. Knowing it’s bad for us, slowly killing us even, but hanging onto that future possibility. I totally get it, man. Its eaten up decades of my life. As long as we leave that door open, relapse is only a bad day, or a good day away.

For me, time helps. Time for my life to improve, things to get done, health to get better. To put the insanity of drinking into sharp relief. Clarity. So keep building sober days, Five. Stay active. This is where a program helps to keep us on track, to build that time and make the insanity more clear.

Wishing you the best.