Journal for Five
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No, the problems are not unexpected. We'll just have to see how it affects things long term. Nothing major is going on anyway...well it doesn't seem too major yet at least. Though I'm admittedly not very good at understanding matters of the heart. I usually just bank on the idea that she can't stay mad forever haha. As we all know, forever could seem like a really long time depending on your perspective.
It's crazy how the time feels right now. I'm two weeks sober, it feels like much much longer than that. How long can I really hold my breath anyway? Kidding
I'm into a routine now and it feels much easier. Somewhat boring, even though I'm so busy, but I'm enjoying it. I'm so happy that the pain inside my body on the right is gone. It's nice to get good sleep, though I had a creepy nightmare two nights ago. There are just so many little things I never thought about, really getting the most out of my time off, better workouts, staying hydrated, and not hating myself is actually a big one. I would have a self-hatred party almost daily as soon as I woke up, and today I noticed that it's been gone for days. That was a pleasant realization.
I previously didn't remember my dreams either, and that's been coming back. Not sure if that's a plus though with some of the weird stuff I'm remembering.
It's crazy how the time feels right now. I'm two weeks sober, it feels like much much longer than that. How long can I really hold my breath anyway? Kidding
I'm into a routine now and it feels much easier. Somewhat boring, even though I'm so busy, but I'm enjoying it. I'm so happy that the pain inside my body on the right is gone. It's nice to get good sleep, though I had a creepy nightmare two nights ago. There are just so many little things I never thought about, really getting the most out of my time off, better workouts, staying hydrated, and not hating myself is actually a big one. I would have a self-hatred party almost daily as soon as I woke up, and today I noticed that it's been gone for days. That was a pleasant realization.
I previously didn't remember my dreams either, and that's been coming back. Not sure if that's a plus though with some of the weird stuff I'm remembering.
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Yeah not hating yourself , or realizing that maybe you don’t have to , can translate into at the very least a pause in ‘self’ abuse. The absence of a chemical depressant allows for some space to develope some self empathy, it’s quite the chore to do well to those we hate , so yeah not hating yourself is a useful benefit , best not to sabotage that footing.
Rootin for ya
Rootin for ya
Life Goes On
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Have you asked her what's up? It's possible that your wife is being the same as she always is; but you were too busy hating yourself to notice. It's also possible that you are very sensitive right now; this wouldn't be surprising given that your body is getting a fighting chance to free up from the toxins. Here's a hint: don't guess, don't assume. "Hey wife, for the past week things have seemed a little off between us. I'm wondering if it feels the same to you?" Then do your level best to listen and empathize, not to mansplain or fix.
You only have to hold your breath one moment at a time, friend. I know you were kidding, but I sure hope it doesn't feel like you've been holding it for two weeks.
You're doing great, Five. I'm happy for you.
Boring is ok; in fact, it's fine. Some days I stay up when I first wake (anywhere between 415 and 515), and I look forward with pleasure to being ready to sleep by 9pm. It's so good to hear that you are enjoying yourself and experiencing physical benefits as well. Best of all, of course, is not hating yourself. If that's the trade-off for not drinking, I'd say the rewards are pretty great.
Weird dreams in early sobriety - I can relate. My dreaming brain seems to prefer symbolism in its dream state. It's like part of me goes off to try to work some stuff out while the rest of me is sleeping. You may be able to find a meaning or a question if you think through the puzzle your brain was working.
You only have to hold your breath one moment at a time, friend. I know you were kidding, but I sure hope it doesn't feel like you've been holding it for two weeks.
You're doing great, Five. I'm happy for you.
Boring is ok; in fact, it's fine. Some days I stay up when I first wake (anywhere between 415 and 515), and I look forward with pleasure to being ready to sleep by 9pm. It's so good to hear that you are enjoying yourself and experiencing physical benefits as well. Best of all, of course, is not hating yourself. If that's the trade-off for not drinking, I'd say the rewards are pretty great.
Weird dreams in early sobriety - I can relate. My dreaming brain seems to prefer symbolism in its dream state. It's like part of me goes off to try to work some stuff out while the rest of me is sleeping. You may be able to find a meaning or a question if you think through the puzzle your brain was working.
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Originally Posted by dwtbd 
it’s quite the chore to do well to those we hate
I think of your name fairly often. It's really a big part of my addiction, the idea that I want to drink but I don't want to be drunk. Chasing that idea led me to cutting down enough for killing myself nice and slow. Not much fun there.
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Obladi
I haven't mentioned anything about it. I'm sure that she is the same as usual. It's pretty obvious to me that I'm the one perceiving things differently. It's also entirely possible that she responds differently because I am more matter of fact and direct now, I notice things that I don't normally worry about when I'm drinking. I'm more confident I think, but it might come off as cold.
We shall see, we have a date night tonight so hopefully that goes well. My AV has been driving me nuts but I'm not engaging. I'm going to be at a bar tomorrow night as well, but I planned ahead and told my friends that I will be driving so I can't drink. Tonight is just dinner. Wish me luck.
Hope all is well with you
I haven't mentioned anything about it. I'm sure that she is the same as usual. It's pretty obvious to me that I'm the one perceiving things differently. It's also entirely possible that she responds differently because I am more matter of fact and direct now, I notice things that I don't normally worry about when I'm drinking. I'm more confident I think, but it might come off as cold.
We shall see, we have a date night tonight so hopefully that goes well. My AV has been driving me nuts but I'm not engaging. I'm going to be at a bar tomorrow night as well, but I planned ahead and told my friends that I will be driving so I can't drink. Tonight is just dinner. Wish me luck.
Hope all is well with you
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
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Hey Five,
How did the date go?
I sure wish you would skip the bar, but I'm sure you know that. It's one thing to be sure you'll be fine and another thing altogether to taunt the beast. It's early days - I can't help but fret just a little bit.
O
How did the date go?
I sure wish you would skip the bar, but I'm sure you know that. It's one thing to be sure you'll be fine and another thing altogether to taunt the beast. It's early days - I can't help but fret just a little bit.
O
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Good morning!
Date night went very well.
We ended up sitting at the bar of this restaurant, since it was a long wait for a table. Had a great dinner. We went to a place we had not been before. They had bottles of booze all lit up and stacked to the ceiling. It was an impressive display but there was no temptation. My wife had a few drinks but I had water and a mocktail, no problem. It was interesting, when I ordered the on-menu drink, the bartender asked quite loudly if I was aware there was no alcohol in it. I think we were the youngest ones at the bar and everyone else was sucking down the martinis. I do not like being around people drinking when I'm not, that's for sure. They're annoying, slurring words and saying the same things repeatedly, usually loudly.
Mrs. Five had her fun. She seems happy. I complimented her and held her hand, we enjoyed the evening. I knew she couldn't stay mad forever haha.
As for tonight, no worries. I'm not going to start drinking. This staying sober is difficult, but drinking is harder. My bodily health is obviously so much better without it, plus I love not having hangover and withdrawal symptoms. I'd be lying if I said thoughts don't cross my mind, but I just have to ignore those. I've already been down that path.
Last night I couldn't get to sleep and I had a big self hatred event. I hope those go away, but I woke up today feeling much better.
20 days today
Date night went very well.
We ended up sitting at the bar of this restaurant, since it was a long wait for a table. Had a great dinner. We went to a place we had not been before. They had bottles of booze all lit up and stacked to the ceiling. It was an impressive display but there was no temptation. My wife had a few drinks but I had water and a mocktail, no problem. It was interesting, when I ordered the on-menu drink, the bartender asked quite loudly if I was aware there was no alcohol in it. I think we were the youngest ones at the bar and everyone else was sucking down the martinis. I do not like being around people drinking when I'm not, that's for sure. They're annoying, slurring words and saying the same things repeatedly, usually loudly.
Mrs. Five had her fun. She seems happy. I complimented her and held her hand, we enjoyed the evening. I knew she couldn't stay mad forever haha.
As for tonight, no worries. I'm not going to start drinking. This staying sober is difficult, but drinking is harder. My bodily health is obviously so much better without it, plus I love not having hangover and withdrawal symptoms. I'd be lying if I said thoughts don't cross my mind, but I just have to ignore those. I've already been down that path.
Last night I couldn't get to sleep and I had a big self hatred event. I hope those go away, but I woke up today feeling much better.
20 days today
Life Goes On
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I'm so glad you and Mrs.Five had a good date! Keep that up, Mr Five.
Yeah, I don't enjoy being around drunks either - didn't even like it in the final years of drinking. I found the others' behavior to be just obnoxious and nobody could keep up with me anyhow. Yuck on both fronts. I didn't think you'd take my advice on the bar, but you can't blame a girl for trying. If you start feeling the itch, what will you do?
Care to talk about the self-hatred event? You don't have to, of course, but there are a lot of understanding ears around this place. I've got a bit of that going on myself at the moment. Might even write about it...
Looking forward to your 3-week post.
O
Yeah, I don't enjoy being around drunks either - didn't even like it in the final years of drinking. I found the others' behavior to be just obnoxious and nobody could keep up with me anyhow. Yuck on both fronts. I didn't think you'd take my advice on the bar, but you can't blame a girl for trying. If you start feeling the itch, what will you do?
Care to talk about the self-hatred event? You don't have to, of course, but there are a lot of understanding ears around this place. I've got a bit of that going on myself at the moment. Might even write about it...
Looking forward to your 3-week post.
O
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Welp, I spent a lot of time today here.
Not sure what's up with me just very emotional. I have the same ugly feeling as usual. Hating being in my own skin. I want to run away and hide somewhere. When I was a kid my father used to lock me in the closet for who knows how long. I don't know what I did. I can just remember being in the pitch black. Waiting. It's interesting to me how that scary place eventually became what appears to be comforting for me now. Seeking being alone and isolated.
So what will I do if I get the itch to drink? I don't know I guess I should run away, screaming silently one more time. But I'll likely just sit there doing nothing. Waiting for someone to come open the closet door. To let me back out into this confusing and complicated existence.
I know I'm gonna get the itch to drink, but I'm just not gonna scratch that itch. And keep on white knuckling. Maybe someday that will change. I hope so, but I'm not holding my breath.
I hope you'll write some on what's been going on. I know you have a lot more experience with sobriety than I do, but hopefully you're not just putting on a strong face? Are things healing up again? Maybe putting it all out there will help. It's helping me.
Ive thought a lot about the statement that you had avowed you were trying to drink yourself to death. That's frightening to me. I can relate so much. I get this vision sometimes when I'm not drinking... of just grabbing a bottle of whiskey and chugging it. Without concern for the consequences. Drinking to die. I've never really drank that way when I was drinking, but I know it's there in my mind.
Not sure what's up with me just very emotional. I have the same ugly feeling as usual. Hating being in my own skin. I want to run away and hide somewhere. When I was a kid my father used to lock me in the closet for who knows how long. I don't know what I did. I can just remember being in the pitch black. Waiting. It's interesting to me how that scary place eventually became what appears to be comforting for me now. Seeking being alone and isolated.
So what will I do if I get the itch to drink? I don't know I guess I should run away, screaming silently one more time. But I'll likely just sit there doing nothing. Waiting for someone to come open the closet door. To let me back out into this confusing and complicated existence.
I know I'm gonna get the itch to drink, but I'm just not gonna scratch that itch. And keep on white knuckling. Maybe someday that will change. I hope so, but I'm not holding my breath.
I hope you'll write some on what's been going on. I know you have a lot more experience with sobriety than I do, but hopefully you're not just putting on a strong face? Are things healing up again? Maybe putting it all out there will help. It's helping me.
Ive thought a lot about the statement that you had avowed you were trying to drink yourself to death. That's frightening to me. I can relate so much. I get this vision sometimes when I'm not drinking... of just grabbing a bottle of whiskey and chugging it. Without concern for the consequences. Drinking to die. I've never really drank that way when I was drinking, but I know it's there in my mind.
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I got a lot more comfortable in my own skin in time FiveTries.
Part of that was not regularly poisoning mind and body, part of it was building a new life I loved (and finding a me I loved too)
D
Part of that was not regularly poisoning mind and body, part of it was building a new life I loved (and finding a me I loved too)
D
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Originally Posted by FiveTries
Good point!
It's really a big part of my addiction, the idea that I want to drink but I don't want to be drunk. Chasing that idea led me to cutting down enough for killing myself nice and slow. Not much fun there.
It's really a big part of my addiction, the idea that I want to drink but I don't want to be drunk. Chasing that idea led me to cutting down enough for killing myself nice and slow. Not much fun there.
Life Goes On
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Thanks for sharing that, Five. That memory of being locked in the closet is powerfully painful. I'm terribly sorry that happened to you. Lance Dodes in his book "The Heart of Addiction" maintains that engaging in our alcohol obsession is a response to feeling trapped, without power, enraged. That feels true of me, though I don't connect with the anger bit (yet?). It's like there's part of me that is frightened, locked in a dark closet. And so, according to Dodes, we take control by engaging in our obsessive behavior. The difference is that we are the ones cutting ourselves off rather than having that done to us. I don't know if that fits you, but I thought I'd mention it because your telling of the locked closet is a particularily fitting metaphor.
My own memory metaphor is of my arms and hands being impaled by the barbed wire on top of a fence I was trying to climb. For some terrifying number of minutes, I was literally stuck on that fence. Addiction feels like that. Early recovery feels like that. Sometimes just living feels like that. I hope this new therapist will help me to find a way to leave that fence in the past where it belongs.
Am I putting a brave face on? I can't say for sure; you know my feelings have this habit of hiding themselves away. But no, I don't think so. I'm not in denial about the fact that I drank again; still, I honestly do feel like a person who doesn't drink even though I did drink. Hard to explain how that feels, but it's good. Comforting that my identity is now more aligned with being a non-drinker than with being a hopeless drunk.
How did things go last night?
How are you today?
My own memory metaphor is of my arms and hands being impaled by the barbed wire on top of a fence I was trying to climb. For some terrifying number of minutes, I was literally stuck on that fence. Addiction feels like that. Early recovery feels like that. Sometimes just living feels like that. I hope this new therapist will help me to find a way to leave that fence in the past where it belongs.
Am I putting a brave face on? I can't say for sure; you know my feelings have this habit of hiding themselves away. But no, I don't think so. I'm not in denial about the fact that I drank again; still, I honestly do feel like a person who doesn't drink even though I did drink. Hard to explain how that feels, but it's good. Comforting that my identity is now more aligned with being a non-drinker than with being a hopeless drunk.
How did things go last night?
How are you today?
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Everything went well. Spent some time with friends, had fun. I hung out at the bar but I had zero temptation to drink. It's strange though, I'm not really sure what an urge to drink IS right now. Sounds ridiculous. I mean, I never considered actually ordering a drink. Alcohol never sounded like a good idea. But it must be lurking in there somewhere, right?
The quote definitely fits. And for me, engaging in my alcohol obsession makes me feel more in control, at least temporarily. The burst of self-assurance that I get feels great. Even though I may be cutting myself off by engaging in drinking, it feels like freedom for awhile. Because at the time I think I'm choosing.
I hadn't read about your barbed wire fence experience... that sounds frightening and painful. I do have some experience with being stuck and feeling that if I make a move Im gonna hurt myself more. But like you said, being alive just feels like that sometimes. Staying stuck or moving into the unknown, I've not been sure what's gonna hurt worse.
At this point the alcohol problem is forcing me to the unknown. It's a strange feeling this being sober 24 hours every day. It's very different. The effects of alcohol last a lot longer than I had imagined or remembered. I'm not sure if I ever want to examine the reasons behind my drinking. I just want that stuff to stay in the past, but my brain periodically sends me images. Hoping I can learn to let those pass by just like thoughts of a drink.
The quote definitely fits. And for me, engaging in my alcohol obsession makes me feel more in control, at least temporarily. The burst of self-assurance that I get feels great. Even though I may be cutting myself off by engaging in drinking, it feels like freedom for awhile. Because at the time I think I'm choosing.
I hadn't read about your barbed wire fence experience... that sounds frightening and painful. I do have some experience with being stuck and feeling that if I make a move Im gonna hurt myself more. But like you said, being alive just feels like that sometimes. Staying stuck or moving into the unknown, I've not been sure what's gonna hurt worse.
At this point the alcohol problem is forcing me to the unknown. It's a strange feeling this being sober 24 hours every day. It's very different. The effects of alcohol last a lot longer than I had imagined or remembered. I'm not sure if I ever want to examine the reasons behind my drinking. I just want that stuff to stay in the past, but my brain periodically sends me images. Hoping I can learn to let those pass by just like thoughts of a drink.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
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You can count on it that the drinking ideas are lurking somewhere. I'm glad they are leaving you alone for the time being, though.
Just keep your eyes peeled for some magical date when your AV convinces you it's time to celebrate (let loose, escape).
"It feels like freedom for awhile," yes. Dr. Dodes writes that the reason we do that is because alternate responses aren't available to us for one reason or another. I'm not sure if he wrote it, but to me it feels I couldn't possibly dare to respond assertively to being trapped. Sometimes I feel like I just have no idea what to do. My brain spins all of these thoughts, theories, ideas (like it did yesterday morning) and the feelings are so overwhelming that I don't even know what they are. I used to drink over that. There are better solutions. At minimum, taking note of the situation (literally) then doing absolutely nothing in response to that swirl. Better yet is to do nothing in response to that situation in the moment, but doing something instead. When I'm really on my game, I go back and investigate where my seemingly visceral reaction is coming from. It usually lands me in childhood - then, after reasssuring myself that I'm ok, I can let those thoughts pass. My hope is the same as yours - that I can get to the point where I can dispatch those thoughts/feelings/memories in the same way I never drink now.
Staying stuck is like a slow-draining pipe that gets more and more clogged over time. Moving onto the unkknown is more acutely painful at times, but if we learn about ourselves and adapt or change in response, it starts working away at the muck in the drain.
One word of advice: because you intend to not ever drink, I suggest that you use past tense in relation to drinking. Your second paragraph is all in the present - that is the AV who, as you know, is on the beast's payroll.
Keepa go, as one of our friends here used to say.
O
Just keep your eyes peeled for some magical date when your AV convinces you it's time to celebrate (let loose, escape).
"It feels like freedom for awhile," yes. Dr. Dodes writes that the reason we do that is because alternate responses aren't available to us for one reason or another. I'm not sure if he wrote it, but to me it feels I couldn't possibly dare to respond assertively to being trapped. Sometimes I feel like I just have no idea what to do. My brain spins all of these thoughts, theories, ideas (like it did yesterday morning) and the feelings are so overwhelming that I don't even know what they are. I used to drink over that. There are better solutions. At minimum, taking note of the situation (literally) then doing absolutely nothing in response to that swirl. Better yet is to do nothing in response to that situation in the moment, but doing something instead. When I'm really on my game, I go back and investigate where my seemingly visceral reaction is coming from. It usually lands me in childhood - then, after reasssuring myself that I'm ok, I can let those thoughts pass. My hope is the same as yours - that I can get to the point where I can dispatch those thoughts/feelings/memories in the same way I never drink now.
Staying stuck is like a slow-draining pipe that gets more and more clogged over time. Moving onto the unkknown is more acutely painful at times, but if we learn about ourselves and adapt or change in response, it starts working away at the muck in the drain.
One word of advice: because you intend to not ever drink, I suggest that you use past tense in relation to drinking. Your second paragraph is all in the present - that is the AV who, as you know, is on the beast's payroll.
Keepa go, as one of our friends here used to say.
O
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Good grief
30 days today all seemed to be going well and one ridiculous customer to deal with has me coming unglued. So tired of dealing with people.
I know it's just life, but it really shines a light on the fact that I just don't want to deal with life a lot of the time. I also don't want to spend a bunch of time, energy, and money trying to learn how to deal with life better.
Ugh I need to vent.
My truck broke down the other day and is in the shop. The thing is brand new! I worked hard, saved money, drove a POS for 12 years to be able to buy a brand new vehicle that dies on me. Now I can't trust the thing so I'm gonna probably lose my shirt trading it in to buy some other new POS. Seriously, we're talking about a $40K truck two years ago that now costs $50K. I don't wanna do it but what choice do I have? I really can't stand car dealers either, all the dishonesty, cluelessness, and trying to rip me off leaves a bad taste. But where else am I going to get vehicle?
Ok rant over for now
30 days today all seemed to be going well and one ridiculous customer to deal with has me coming unglued. So tired of dealing with people.
I know it's just life, but it really shines a light on the fact that I just don't want to deal with life a lot of the time. I also don't want to spend a bunch of time, energy, and money trying to learn how to deal with life better.
Ugh I need to vent.
My truck broke down the other day and is in the shop. The thing is brand new! I worked hard, saved money, drove a POS for 12 years to be able to buy a brand new vehicle that dies on me. Now I can't trust the thing so I'm gonna probably lose my shirt trading it in to buy some other new POS. Seriously, we're talking about a $40K truck two years ago that now costs $50K. I don't wanna do it but what choice do I have? I really can't stand car dealers either, all the dishonesty, cluelessness, and trying to rip me off leaves a bad taste. But where else am I going to get vehicle?
Ok rant over for now
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I understand the truck thing but it will sorted one way or the other, yeah?
the way I look at it letting that or letting one customer skew your day is probably not the greatest example of self care.
It worked well when we were drinking as an excuse, but now you deserve better, especially from yourself.
D
the way I look at it letting that or letting one customer skew your day is probably not the greatest example of self care.
It worked well when we were drinking as an excuse, but now you deserve better, especially from yourself.
D
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You are correct Dee, of course.
Just had to rant a bit and it went away. Still upset about the truck a little but it's an obvious case of a first world problem.
Most definitely not going to drink about it. One thing that I have become very mindful of this go around is the idea that emotional disturbances could cause some AV activity...either immediately as expected, or in the days that follow as well. When I'm feeling good on Friday night and pick up a drink it could actually be tied to me getting upset on Tuesday afternoon. Being mindful of this phenomena has helped me stay vigilant. Somehow I missed this idea in my past attempts.
The other thing is that I know this is early days, and while I have been paying attention to how long it's been since my last drink, I'm trying not to focus on that too much. Back in the day when I was going to AA I picked up a few chips for 30, 60, or 90 days and even a 6 month token one time. My reality now is that day 30 is no different than any other day, it can't be. I have to find a way through the day without drinking the first drink. If I can do that...I win, if I cannot do that I am 'taking my life into my own hands'.
Since I started to recognize and absorb those two points, the addiction has essentially fallen silent.
Choosing to drink or accepting drinking would be me asking for self hatred to go back to 100%.
Just had to rant a bit and it went away. Still upset about the truck a little but it's an obvious case of a first world problem.
Most definitely not going to drink about it. One thing that I have become very mindful of this go around is the idea that emotional disturbances could cause some AV activity...either immediately as expected, or in the days that follow as well. When I'm feeling good on Friday night and pick up a drink it could actually be tied to me getting upset on Tuesday afternoon. Being mindful of this phenomena has helped me stay vigilant. Somehow I missed this idea in my past attempts.
The other thing is that I know this is early days, and while I have been paying attention to how long it's been since my last drink, I'm trying not to focus on that too much. Back in the day when I was going to AA I picked up a few chips for 30, 60, or 90 days and even a 6 month token one time. My reality now is that day 30 is no different than any other day, it can't be. I have to find a way through the day without drinking the first drink. If I can do that...I win, if I cannot do that I am 'taking my life into my own hands'.
Since I started to recognize and absorb those two points, the addiction has essentially fallen silent.
Choosing to drink or accepting drinking would be me asking for self hatred to go back to 100%.
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Hey Five,
It's good to see you and I'm glad you came here with your rant. I trust that you've become a bit more balanced about the truck situation. I share your distrust of car folks, and I understand how infuriating it can be to have to deal with them. Something about car troubles brings up a whole world of helplessness for me; it is one of my very few triggers for rage. The second one is horrible people. I guess we've found some more common ground, you and I. Great minds think alike, or something like that, eh?
Exactly. Bingo. On the nose. Same!
But really, it's mostly energy. I don't want to either, but deal with life we must. Or not, but the alternative choices are awful options as we've discovered.
I was just thinking about this yesterday as I was contemplating why that session with No Go Gal was so off-putting. I spent years, decades, doing a routine that was something like "implode and move along." Like you, I realize that the precursor to compulsive drinking may be days or even weeks in the past. So I know this. This counselor, like many other people I've encountered over the years, made assumptions that if I just learned to be rational, things would get better. And in her example (as that of others), the cure was to think about potential motivations other people might have for their behavior, speech, perceived attitude toward me. In a nutshell, to believe those slights (real or not) were not about me at all. But the thing is, I mostly do believe that now - that even when someone's behavior seems to be directed at me, it's not about me. Rationally considering other people's motivations is something I know how to do well, but it doesn't get me over the finish line of not being disturbed by their behaviors.
And really, it's not their behavior that is so disturbing - it is my reaction that is the problem. And those reactions are visceral, seemingly pre-thought. Which takes me full circle back to needing to get that litle kid off of the fence. To do the internal work to resolve or heal or otherwise 'deal with' the fear, the terror, the whathaveyou that seems to be somewhere near my core. I know that takes a lot of energy - I just have to find the right way to do that.
Sorry for going on about this in your space, but I'm guessing you can relate.
O
It's good to see you and I'm glad you came here with your rant. I trust that you've become a bit more balanced about the truck situation. I share your distrust of car folks, and I understand how infuriating it can be to have to deal with them. Something about car troubles brings up a whole world of helplessness for me; it is one of my very few triggers for rage. The second one is horrible people. I guess we've found some more common ground, you and I. Great minds think alike, or something like that, eh?
Originally Posted by FiveTries
I know it's just life, but it really shines a light on the fact that I just don't want to deal with life a lot of the time. I also don't want to spend a bunch of time, energy, and money trying to learn how to deal with life better.
But really, it's mostly energy. I don't want to either, but deal with life we must. Or not, but the alternative choices are awful options as we've discovered.
I was just thinking about this yesterday as I was contemplating why that session with No Go Gal was so off-putting. I spent years, decades, doing a routine that was something like "implode and move along." Like you, I realize that the precursor to compulsive drinking may be days or even weeks in the past. So I know this. This counselor, like many other people I've encountered over the years, made assumptions that if I just learned to be rational, things would get better. And in her example (as that of others), the cure was to think about potential motivations other people might have for their behavior, speech, perceived attitude toward me. In a nutshell, to believe those slights (real or not) were not about me at all. But the thing is, I mostly do believe that now - that even when someone's behavior seems to be directed at me, it's not about me. Rationally considering other people's motivations is something I know how to do well, but it doesn't get me over the finish line of not being disturbed by their behaviors.
And really, it's not their behavior that is so disturbing - it is my reaction that is the problem. And those reactions are visceral, seemingly pre-thought. Which takes me full circle back to needing to get that litle kid off of the fence. To do the internal work to resolve or heal or otherwise 'deal with' the fear, the terror, the whathaveyou that seems to be somewhere near my core. I know that takes a lot of energy - I just have to find the right way to do that.
Sorry for going on about this in your space, but I'm guessing you can relate.
O
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Originally Posted by FiveTries
You are correct Dee, of course.
Just had to rant a bit and it went away. Still upset about the truck a little but it's an obvious case of a first world problem.
Most definitely not going to drink about it. One thing that I have become very mindful of this go around is the idea that emotional disturbances could cause some AV activity...either immediately as expected, or in the days that follow as well. When I'm feeling good on Friday night and pick up a drink it could actually be tied to me getting upset on Tuesday afternoon. Being mindful of this phenomena has helped me stay vigilant. Somehow I missed this idea in my past attempts.
The other thing is that I know this is early days, and while I have been paying attention to how long it's been since my last drink, I'm trying not to focus on that too much. Back in the day when I was going to AA I picked up a few chips for 30, 60, or 90 days and even a 6 month token one time. My reality now is that day 30 is no different than any other day, it can't be. I have to find a way through the day without drinking the first drink. If I can do that...I win, if I cannot do that I am 'taking my life into my own hands'.
Since I started to recognize and absorb those two points, the addiction has essentially fallen silent.
Choosing to drink or accepting drinking would be me asking for self hatred to go back to 100%.
Just had to rant a bit and it went away. Still upset about the truck a little but it's an obvious case of a first world problem.
Most definitely not going to drink about it. One thing that I have become very mindful of this go around is the idea that emotional disturbances could cause some AV activity...either immediately as expected, or in the days that follow as well. When I'm feeling good on Friday night and pick up a drink it could actually be tied to me getting upset on Tuesday afternoon. Being mindful of this phenomena has helped me stay vigilant. Somehow I missed this idea in my past attempts.
The other thing is that I know this is early days, and while I have been paying attention to how long it's been since my last drink, I'm trying not to focus on that too much. Back in the day when I was going to AA I picked up a few chips for 30, 60, or 90 days and even a 6 month token one time. My reality now is that day 30 is no different than any other day, it can't be. I have to find a way through the day without drinking the first drink. If I can do that...I win, if I cannot do that I am 'taking my life into my own hands'.
Since I started to recognize and absorb those two points, the addiction has essentially fallen silent.
Choosing to drink or accepting drinking would be me asking for self hatred to go back to 100%.
Keep doing the great work.. oh and just have the truck fixed. Make them do it right. I can't believe what new cars and trucks cost these days. I have always bought nice vehicles at 2-3 years old, like off of a lease, with low miles. Used to be you could get a fabulous car for about half of new price that way. Not anymore.. Sigh.. So I will keep driving this one for about 5 more years, then probably go electric.
Keep up the good work.
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