Journal for Five
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,160
Don't give up five.
It may seem impossible but believe me it is possible.
Just need to put the bottle down and Do Not Drink No Matter What.
Once your mind clears up things wil slowly start to look better.
Sometimes really slow. Sometimes it feels you have gone backwards. Sometimes it feels you are going nowherenowAll that matters is you don't drink and before you know it it is no longer a chore but a pleasure to be sober.
You can do it man
It may seem impossible but believe me it is possible.
Just need to put the bottle down and Do Not Drink No Matter What.
Once your mind clears up things wil slowly start to look better.
Sometimes really slow. Sometimes it feels you have gone backwards. Sometimes it feels you are going nowherenowAll that matters is you don't drink and before you know it it is no longer a chore but a pleasure to be sober.
You can do it man
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 5,384
Welcome back Five! Just coming back and posting here is a huge first step on your way to recovery! It means you’re seeking to get and stay sober! It means you’re seeking help or you wouldn’t have posted here! It means maybe, just maybe you might be able to stay sober one day even if it seems hopeless!
Alcoholism doesn’t care! It doesn’t matter what age, race, sex, religion you are! It doesn’t care if you get bored in sobriety and sobriety is painful and hard! It doesn’t care if you get in a rut and feel like you don’t have fun anymore now that you’re sober! Once you pick up that first drink it just takes over mentally and physically! Alcoholism just takes and takes and takes! It’s the best scammer in the world!
In order to stay sober you’ve got to want to stay sober more than anything else! It’s got to be a top priority! It can be done! You’re very capable of staying sober permanently!
You mentioned in one of your posts that your Big Book is collecting dust and that you used to go to AA! I’m not going to sit here and try and force you to try that again or saying that is the only way to stay sober!
But would you be willing to give that a try again? Just like when you posted here recently! It took a thought to do that! Then it took your brain telling your fingers to type in that first word! Would you be willing to pick up your phone and call AA and say that you need to get to a meeting? I know that phone can feel it weighs a thousand pounds! I’ve been there! They would be so happy to hear from you and would be willing to help!
Alcoholism doesn’t care! It doesn’t matter what age, race, sex, religion you are! It doesn’t care if you get bored in sobriety and sobriety is painful and hard! It doesn’t care if you get in a rut and feel like you don’t have fun anymore now that you’re sober! Once you pick up that first drink it just takes over mentally and physically! Alcoholism just takes and takes and takes! It’s the best scammer in the world!
In order to stay sober you’ve got to want to stay sober more than anything else! It’s got to be a top priority! It can be done! You’re very capable of staying sober permanently!
You mentioned in one of your posts that your Big Book is collecting dust and that you used to go to AA! I’m not going to sit here and try and force you to try that again or saying that is the only way to stay sober!
But would you be willing to give that a try again? Just like when you posted here recently! It took a thought to do that! Then it took your brain telling your fingers to type in that first word! Would you be willing to pick up your phone and call AA and say that you need to get to a meeting? I know that phone can feel it weighs a thousand pounds! I’ve been there! They would be so happy to hear from you and would be willing to help!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
I felt like you do - right before I quit forever. Drinking had seemed to enhance things - make them more exciting & interesting. That stopped happening in the end. I was numb, foggy, & stupid. People had begun to distrust me - I had confused everyone I loved & those I worked with. I'd dug a huge hole to climb out of. As Dee said, nothing gets better as long as we're drinking. The old relief we once felt from it is gone, & it's not coming back.
So glad you're here with us. You can get free, dear Five.
So glad you're here with us. You can get free, dear Five.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Oh, Five! I don't know how I missed your post yesterday. I'm so glad to see you back. 
Man, what can I tell you that will help you today?
Before I actually stopped drinking for good but after I really really knew that I needed to quit, I felt the same as you do. I was convinced that once I stopped drinking, I would be confronted with the same 'grey' life that seemed to shroud me at all times that I wasn't drinking. Not that boozing it up alone and on the sly was a barrel of fun, but at least the vodka helped me to block it all out and Not Care about the grey. It was like a respite, only it wasn't; you know what I mean? From that point on, I began to really try in earnest to stop. Things would be rosy for awhile, then something would come over me and I would say "forget it - I'll just drink. Who cares?" And that would be a relief... for awhile. But those periods of relief became shorter and shorter, even while I continued drinking. I suspect you know by now there is nothing worse than being a miserable drunk who is actually miserable that they are drinking. (Well, there is worse, but we don't need to get into that now.)
This is where AVRT really came to my rescue, along with the help of something bigger than me. I was now 100% convinced that any time I drank, I would get approximately the same results. At that point, the evidence was indisputable, right? So the logical opposite of that was that the only thing I could do is to Never Drink. And AVRT gave me the concept of never drinking now, because it's always now. I didn't have to think about anything beyond Now, perhaps over and over again , but still it was always now. And I could manage not drinking right in that very moment that was/is now.
So then what, right? Well, I wasn't really wrong about what I thought would ensue. The only thing I was wrong about was how freakin hard it would be. You see, though I couldn't have verbalized it coherently at the time, I think I was most afraid that when I got sober I would feel 'less than' ALL of the time, not just most of the time. Those AA people would continue to grate on my nerves, I would need to do some sort of BS 'routine' to check off on my wellness/accountability chart every day, and soon enough the novelty would wear off and then where would I be? I can tell ya because I got there - I was in a spot where my nerves were raw, my sensitivities were heightened, I felt like a completely inadequate person just like I always had - even before I ever started drinking. I felt I was about to bust in two. And I didn't drink. Because I had decided that I would never drink now. And that happened more than once. But each and every time, resisting the impulse to drink got easier - or maybe I should say more automatic.
And somehow, in the midst of all of that, I became convinced that it actually mattered if I drank or not. That's where the thing bigger than me came in. I just knew/know that it actually does matter somehow in the larger scheme of things whether I drink or don't drink. And that somehow, I've at least stopped doing damage to all of the systems of which I am a component. That made it about a whole lot more than just me, you know? What good does it do for me and my future life? Hell if I know. It's not like I fell in love, found a purpose in life and am now living atop a rainbow. But I am living a life where I have nothing to be ashamed of. And that - that is reward enough in itself. But that was something I had to wait for. It didn't come right away.
Do it.
Just make the decision you're going to stop, full stop.
There are lots of avenues from which you can get support. Make a decision to lean in and really use them.
You are worth it.
xo
O
Man, what can I tell you that will help you today?
Before I actually stopped drinking for good but after I really really knew that I needed to quit, I felt the same as you do. I was convinced that once I stopped drinking, I would be confronted with the same 'grey' life that seemed to shroud me at all times that I wasn't drinking. Not that boozing it up alone and on the sly was a barrel of fun, but at least the vodka helped me to block it all out and Not Care about the grey. It was like a respite, only it wasn't; you know what I mean? From that point on, I began to really try in earnest to stop. Things would be rosy for awhile, then something would come over me and I would say "forget it - I'll just drink. Who cares?" And that would be a relief... for awhile. But those periods of relief became shorter and shorter, even while I continued drinking. I suspect you know by now there is nothing worse than being a miserable drunk who is actually miserable that they are drinking. (Well, there is worse, but we don't need to get into that now.)
This is where AVRT really came to my rescue, along with the help of something bigger than me. I was now 100% convinced that any time I drank, I would get approximately the same results. At that point, the evidence was indisputable, right? So the logical opposite of that was that the only thing I could do is to Never Drink. And AVRT gave me the concept of never drinking now, because it's always now. I didn't have to think about anything beyond Now, perhaps over and over again , but still it was always now. And I could manage not drinking right in that very moment that was/is now.
So then what, right? Well, I wasn't really wrong about what I thought would ensue. The only thing I was wrong about was how freakin hard it would be. You see, though I couldn't have verbalized it coherently at the time, I think I was most afraid that when I got sober I would feel 'less than' ALL of the time, not just most of the time. Those AA people would continue to grate on my nerves, I would need to do some sort of BS 'routine' to check off on my wellness/accountability chart every day, and soon enough the novelty would wear off and then where would I be? I can tell ya because I got there - I was in a spot where my nerves were raw, my sensitivities were heightened, I felt like a completely inadequate person just like I always had - even before I ever started drinking. I felt I was about to bust in two. And I didn't drink. Because I had decided that I would never drink now. And that happened more than once. But each and every time, resisting the impulse to drink got easier - or maybe I should say more automatic.
And somehow, in the midst of all of that, I became convinced that it actually mattered if I drank or not. That's where the thing bigger than me came in. I just knew/know that it actually does matter somehow in the larger scheme of things whether I drink or don't drink. And that somehow, I've at least stopped doing damage to all of the systems of which I am a component. That made it about a whole lot more than just me, you know? What good does it do for me and my future life? Hell if I know. It's not like I fell in love, found a purpose in life and am now living atop a rainbow. But I am living a life where I have nothing to be ashamed of. And that - that is reward enough in itself. But that was something I had to wait for. It didn't come right away.
Do it.
Just make the decision you're going to stop, full stop.
There are lots of avenues from which you can get support. Make a decision to lean in and really use them.
You are worth it.
xo
O
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 5,384
How are you doing Five? Keep coming back and posting! We would love to hear from you!
Remember, it’s just one day at a time in sobriety! Nothing you can do about the past! It’s over! Today is a new day!
Remember, it’s just one day at a time in sobriety! Nothing you can do about the past! It’s over! Today is a new day!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Thanks for the posts everyone... advbike, Fishkill, Dee, Hevyn, Obadi, uncle holmes and anyone I am missing.
I will log onto the computer by week end and properly post again.
This week is going okay. Waking up hangover free today and clear headed so that feels good. Got good rest.
I will log onto the computer by week end and properly post again.
This week is going okay. Waking up hangover free today and clear headed so that feels good. Got good rest.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
I have a few minutes while the kids are showering.
So I went to the Dentist yesterday for a cleaning. I always go through this internal nightmare with the Dentist because I start out on a mission to stay perfect with my oral hygiene, but then I start missing flossing or brushing here and there. By the time I go back I'm always stressed out waiting for the bad news. I have gingivitis again. This ties into my drinking greatly because whenever there is alcohol in my system the likelihood of me brushing and flossing drops by at least 60 percent.
I feel great today waking up with perfect teeth, but why do I always get caught up in perfectionism instead of just doing what needs to be done. As soon as I miss brushing or flossing a couple times and some plaque builds up in between cleanings I pretty much just stop caring. Right up until it's time to go see the Dentist again.
The same happens with drink. It's this one area of my life where I need to be perfect or else I am a failure. Then each time I fail I don't care for however long I can stand it. Until I realize how much I hate myself again.
Alright I'm out of time. Hope everyone has a good day.
So I went to the Dentist yesterday for a cleaning. I always go through this internal nightmare with the Dentist because I start out on a mission to stay perfect with my oral hygiene, but then I start missing flossing or brushing here and there. By the time I go back I'm always stressed out waiting for the bad news. I have gingivitis again. This ties into my drinking greatly because whenever there is alcohol in my system the likelihood of me brushing and flossing drops by at least 60 percent.
I feel great today waking up with perfect teeth, but why do I always get caught up in perfectionism instead of just doing what needs to be done. As soon as I miss brushing or flossing a couple times and some plaque builds up in between cleanings I pretty much just stop caring. Right up until it's time to go see the Dentist again.
The same happens with drink. It's this one area of my life where I need to be perfect or else I am a failure. Then each time I fail I don't care for however long I can stand it. Until I realize how much I hate myself again.
Alright I'm out of time. Hope everyone has a good day.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Some good thoughts there Five, thanks for sharing. I have similar issues with dentists/doctors tying back into my health anxiety. The one things about drinking though is that it is something I have absolute/100% control over and I take solace in that. By that I mean whether I choose to start drinking or not, of course once I start all bets are off. But as it relates to our health - there are certainly times when you can do everything right and still not get the outcome when you want. AKA - you can brush and floss your teeth 10 times a day and still get a cavity. With my addiction, I get to choose the outcome based on my actions - wouldn't it be great if we could do the same for other things that ail us?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I skip flossing if I drink sometimes too, just like I eat all sorts of crap food. Drinking causes us to let go of our healthy habits. One more reason I'm never putting that crap in my mouth again. Five, I had a brief relapse a few days ago - 6 beers.. then a couple days later 4 more. The damage was instant and I am still suffering bad sleep. It just gets worse, and harder, as we get older Five. I hope you stop for good now, while you're still relatively young. After a few months the muddled thinking clears up and the optimism returns. You will be fine. Your family will be amazed. All those doubts you have are coming from your AV, my friend. I know this from experience and it will happen for you too.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I get what you're saying, Five. I'm a master procrastinator once I get behind on something. It's like the further behind I get, it's that much less likely that I'll deal with it. And with drinking, I have the added 'bonus' of having an addiction. If I decided to drink every now and again, I would immediately deduce that I'd blown it and commence to procrastinate about stopping again. And we all know where that goes. That's why I now choose to Never Drink Now every day, all day. The good news is, this has become a habit for me, so I don't need to think about that choice non-stop. But I sure did in the beginning! Now it's more like... I dunno... Maybe like turning off the lights before I go to bed? I do that every single night without fail, except for when I occasionally forget. Even then, I don't lay there in bed deciding I might as well leave the light on all night. I grumble (or laugh at myself) (or both) then get up and turn the light off.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Obladi, I am glad I'm not the only one! I never considered it before but it's really strange how I could actually start doing less towards my goals once I start falling behind. It's unbelievable. I guess I am aware of this though because the same thing happens with my working out and healthy eating... it's all or none.
I have been perfect with my dental health since the dentist last week. Flossing, brushing, rinsing, and water-picking twice a day. Feeling good about my smile.
I had some alcohol last night.
I am not drinking today. I had written out a bunch of my plans for my future quitting but there's no point. At this point I gotta clear my head for a few days.
Thanks for all the insights
I have been perfect with my dental health since the dentist last week. Flossing, brushing, rinsing, and water-picking twice a day. Feeling good about my smile.
I had some alcohol last night.
I am not drinking today. I had written out a bunch of my plans for my future quitting but there's no point. At this point I gotta clear my head for a few days.
Thanks for all the insights
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Oh I was gonna tell you. I put smart lights and motion activated switches in my house now, so they either turn off automatically, or I can control em with my phone or voice thru Alexa. The bulbs are not cheap but they are pretty handy for not needing to get back up to turn out the lights 
I got them for Christmas last year because my kids never turn off the light and I was sick of having to walk over to their rooms.
I got them for Christmas last year because my kids never turn off the light and I was sick of having to walk over to their rooms.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Woke up after some good rest. This is going to be day 2. Absolutely positively no drinking tonight. I have to keep reminding myself how great sleep is with no alcohol in my system. It's one of my favorite things.
Maybe I'll join the November class.
Maybe I'll join the November class.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Thanks again for all the help everyone.
After reading here a bunch lately and today I am still all twisted around.
I am still reading but I think I won't post here anymore until I can make a true commitment to sobriety.
It seems like that day may never come but who knows?
Even while I struggle to keep my head above the water in this life I keep reaching out for that which pulls me back under. That promise of temporary relief is so difficult for me to turn away from.
Maybe I just hate myself too much to quit?
Anyhow you all have given me so many thoughtful responses and I have been helped in so many ways being here. I really appreciate it and didn't want to just disappear.
Until next time....
After reading here a bunch lately and today I am still all twisted around.
I am still reading but I think I won't post here anymore until I can make a true commitment to sobriety.
It seems like that day may never come but who knows?
Even while I struggle to keep my head above the water in this life I keep reaching out for that which pulls me back under. That promise of temporary relief is so difficult for me to turn away from.
Maybe I just hate myself too much to quit?
Anyhow you all have given me so many thoughtful responses and I have been helped in so many ways being here. I really appreciate it and didn't want to just disappear.
Until next time....
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I am still reading but I think I won't post here anymore until I can make a true commitment to sobriety.
Its hard and scary to pick your side in this...but putting off picking a side doesn't usually end well Five.
As long as you accept people here are going to try and convince you to quit, I see no problem with you continuing to post here.
I can foresee problems for you ahead if you don't post anymore.
You need more help against the AV, not less.
D
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Five!
Yeah, what Dee said. While I was able to learn from others here, I had to fight through my own twistedness. I don’t think I would have been able to do that as a spectator.
It sounds like you’re still conflicted. That’s a commonality for all of us - it doesn’t set you aside or make you unworthy in any way. It makes you one of us.
I think you should post more, not less. Tell us what it’s like for you even when you think people might be sick of hearing about it (we won’t be), and especially when you’re sick of telling it.
O
Yeah, what Dee said. While I was able to learn from others here, I had to fight through my own twistedness. I don’t think I would have been able to do that as a spectator.
It sounds like you’re still conflicted. That’s a commonality for all of us - it doesn’t set you aside or make you unworthy in any way. It makes you one of us.
I think you should post more, not less. Tell us what it’s like for you even when you think people might be sick of hearing about it (we won’t be), and especially when you’re sick of telling it.
O
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