Journal for Five
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Journal for Five
So I made it around two weeks.
Had some drinks last weekend. Had more last night.
I am starting at day one today.
It's Saturday night and it's a long one. I am feeling pretty optimistic though. I know my cycle is to quit for a week or two, feel much better, and then give myself permission to drink.
I gotta break the pattern.
Had some drinks last weekend. Had more last night.
I am starting at day one today.
It's Saturday night and it's a long one. I am feeling pretty optimistic though. I know my cycle is to quit for a week or two, feel much better, and then give myself permission to drink.
I gotta break the pattern.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Log in to your daily journal here to help you stay
responsible for your own recovery journey, listening,
learning, absorbing and apply helpful, healthy tools
and knowledge of addiction and recovery to guide
you into achieving many of life's rewarding gifts filled
with gratefulness and gratitude.
For many who are achieving recovery success, we
stay connected to our lifelines and support on a daily,
continuous bases whether we want to or not.
When i feel like I can handle life on lifes bases by
myself, then i begin to get back into old behavior,
my own stinkin thinkin which eventually leads me
to anger, resentments and a whole slew of other
unhealthy behaviors.
Then my peace of mind, my serenity is down the
road somewhere's and i'm all alone looking for a
quick fix. Which back in the day, some 30 yrs ago,
reaching for my poison which nearly wiped me off
the face of the Earth.
Thanks to my HP, a program of recovery taught to
me and learned, I live with this as a guideline to helping
me be the best sober person I can possibly be today.
Support is important because I know that there isnt
one single thing in this world I have to go thru alone
or by myself. Someone will have experienced it and
can shed some light for me that can be helpful to my
own life and recovery.
Support, care, and understanding sent your way.
responsible for your own recovery journey, listening,
learning, absorbing and apply helpful, healthy tools
and knowledge of addiction and recovery to guide
you into achieving many of life's rewarding gifts filled
with gratefulness and gratitude.
For many who are achieving recovery success, we
stay connected to our lifelines and support on a daily,
continuous bases whether we want to or not.
When i feel like I can handle life on lifes bases by
myself, then i begin to get back into old behavior,
my own stinkin thinkin which eventually leads me
to anger, resentments and a whole slew of other
unhealthy behaviors.
Then my peace of mind, my serenity is down the
road somewhere's and i'm all alone looking for a
quick fix. Which back in the day, some 30 yrs ago,
reaching for my poison which nearly wiped me off
the face of the Earth.
Thanks to my HP, a program of recovery taught to
me and learned, I live with this as a guideline to helping
me be the best sober person I can possibly be today.
Support is important because I know that there isnt
one single thing in this world I have to go thru alone
or by myself. Someone will have experienced it and
can shed some light for me that can be helpful to my
own life and recovery.
Support, care, and understanding sent your way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Thanks Dee74 and aasharon90!
Waking up on day 2. Feel rested and clear headed.
My main goal with this journal is to be honest and update it even if I drink alcohol. I have to keep on trying for sobriety and health.
Waking up on day 2. Feel rested and clear headed.
My main goal with this journal is to be honest and update it even if I drink alcohol. I have to keep on trying for sobriety and health.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 3,767
Originally Posted by FiveX 
My main goal with this journal is to be honest and update it even if I drink alcohol. I have to keep on trying for sobriety and health.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 527
I have used journaling at various points in my recovery journey, but this is the core proposition of my recovery: There is such a thing as a "real alcoholic" and that type of person will be incapable of staying sober without actively embracing all three legs of the A.A. stool -- (1) meetings, (2) step work, and (3) service work. I quoted a version of the following from the Big Book in a post yesterday and it seems worth repeating here.
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.... If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps. At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.... If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps. At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I fully support having your own journal-thread to focus on your recovery. 
Honesty is at the core of my sobriety today. It always was, but I got all mixed up with other peoples' definition or diagnosis or prescription for what needed doing. Plus also, what I said and believed was true for me one day wasn't necessarily actually true the next. You know? It was a process, not a place.
AAs say a lot of things, but every "chip" I've ever seen has the words "To Thine Own Self Be True." I don't know about you, but that was the battle of my life. How to be true to myself when it seemed that everyone else was telling me (implicity or explicity or by way of esp ) that my true self was fundamentally "wrong" and needed fixing. And just when I thought I'd gotten a grasp on the thing, I'd lose it again!
How's it going today for you?
O
Honesty is at the core of my sobriety today. It always was, but I got all mixed up with other peoples' definition or diagnosis or prescription for what needed doing. Plus also, what I said and believed was true for me one day wasn't necessarily actually true the next. You know? It was a process, not a place.
AAs say a lot of things, but every "chip" I've ever seen has the words "To Thine Own Self Be True." I don't know about you, but that was the battle of my life. How to be true to myself when it seemed that everyone else was telling me (implicity or explicity or by way of esp
) that my true self was fundamentally "wrong" and needed fixing. And just when I thought I'd gotten a grasp on the thing, I'd lose it again!How's it going today for you?
O
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Many folks that have achieve success in their own recovery
have had to learn what works and doesn't work for them.
Quite a few of them, like myself, had to be taught about our
addiction and recovery in a facility, rehab, a place spent anywhere's
from 2 weeks to 28 days or more if needed. Me, it was 28 days.
Because I didnt think I had a drinking problem and yet hit rock
bottom, was placed in to the hands of those capable of teaching
me about my addiction.
Once i was fed this valuable knowledge and the affects alcohol
or drugs has on me and others, then i became willing to accept
my addiction then put it to rest each day by incorporating a guideline
of steps to my everyday life.
There could be no reservations that maybe one day I would be
able to drink in moderation. Not one sip, one glass, one bottle,
half a bottle, nothing. Not maybe in a year, or a few months, or
just on special occassions. Holidays. Sporting events. Nothing.
To be successful would mean to change. The courage to change
ones thinking and behaviors. To be honest with one's self and
in all our affairs. To take responsibility for all my actions.
It's not just about not drinking anymore.
We let go of the addiction and begin to change from within. To
become the best person we can possibly be not only to ourselves
but to all those around us.
To make right right the wrongs we have done in the past and
to not repeat them in the future.
There is always gonna be temptations around us. And alcohol
is not gonna disappear off the face of the Earth anytime soon.
As long as it is around, it will be working hard to take folks out
or keep them chained to their addiction.
Learning how to be free of this ball and chain will take footwork
in learning helpful ways to avoid picking it up again and hauling it
around for the rest of one's life.
Continue to read how many have found that freedom and are
no longer chained to their addictions and walk side by side with
them paving the way for the newcomer that will want what you
have one day and follow you.
have had to learn what works and doesn't work for them.
Quite a few of them, like myself, had to be taught about our
addiction and recovery in a facility, rehab, a place spent anywhere's
from 2 weeks to 28 days or more if needed. Me, it was 28 days.
Because I didnt think I had a drinking problem and yet hit rock
bottom, was placed in to the hands of those capable of teaching
me about my addiction.
Once i was fed this valuable knowledge and the affects alcohol
or drugs has on me and others, then i became willing to accept
my addiction then put it to rest each day by incorporating a guideline
of steps to my everyday life.
There could be no reservations that maybe one day I would be
able to drink in moderation. Not one sip, one glass, one bottle,
half a bottle, nothing. Not maybe in a year, or a few months, or
just on special occassions. Holidays. Sporting events. Nothing.
To be successful would mean to change. The courage to change
ones thinking and behaviors. To be honest with one's self and
in all our affairs. To take responsibility for all my actions.
It's not just about not drinking anymore.
We let go of the addiction and begin to change from within. To
become the best person we can possibly be not only to ourselves
but to all those around us.
To make right right the wrongs we have done in the past and
to not repeat them in the future.
There is always gonna be temptations around us. And alcohol
is not gonna disappear off the face of the Earth anytime soon.
As long as it is around, it will be working hard to take folks out
or keep them chained to their addiction.
Learning how to be free of this ball and chain will take footwork
in learning helpful ways to avoid picking it up again and hauling it
around for the rest of one's life.
Continue to read how many have found that freedom and are
no longer chained to their addictions and walk side by side with
them paving the way for the newcomer that will want what you
have one day and follow you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by Obladi
How's it going today for you?
I took my kids and a friend to the park to go sledding. Now just trying to get motivation to clean in the house and prepare for the week.
I feel good physically. Over the past few days I have noticed that my high anxiety seems to be causing me physical symptoms. I worry myself into oblivion. So I am just trying not to worry about anything right now. And amazingly I feel much better at the moment. Obsessing about things can be so dangerous for me.
As far as drinking goes no issues there. I haven't had any thoughts of drinking but this is not normally a time when I would drink anyway. It's the social events, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday nights that cause me problems.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by silversky
Maybe journal before this point? I'm like you, can go a week or 2 before a binge. It just keeps the cycle going for years. I learned more this month from the 2 times I didn't slip. That's where the magic comes in. Glad you're here and I'll be following your journal and your journey.
Being able to go weeks between drinking is not really helpful towards me getting sober for good. I operate as if I can quit anytime that I want, which is not the case since I keep starting again!
I will definitely attempt to reach out here before I drink. In the past I usually just disappear from AA or the website because I know that I'm going to drink. Once I have given myself 'permission', drinking becomes an inevitability.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by FiveX
You are so right. I get that I have already conceded to this idea that I will drink again in the future. I don't like that idea but given my history I expect that. History can change though.
I would second the recommendation of Journaling - it's pretty powerful to be able to go back and read about things that happened, recognize patterns, etc. Even writing here on SR each day is a form of it.
Not The Way way, Just the way
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: US
Posts: 1,413
Hi FiveX,
I remember how determined you were soon after you signed up here late last year with “I will never drink again”. At any time you are not drinking or drunk, you are perfectly capable of deciding “I WILL NEVER drink again, no matter what happens.”
But, I see you have now resigned your ability to permanently deny yourself that wonderful deep pleasure of drunkenness by committing to continuing erratic binge drinking.
You might want to help out your wife and children as you continue getting drunk by recommending to them the subforum here:
GT
PS. They don’t even have to sign up to read some of the threads.
I remember how determined you were soon after you signed up here late last year with “I will never drink again”. At any time you are not drinking or drunk, you are perfectly capable of deciding “I WILL NEVER drink again, no matter what happens.”
But, I see you have now resigned your ability to permanently deny yourself that wonderful deep pleasure of drunkenness by committing to continuing erratic binge drinking.
You might want to help out your wife and children as you continue getting drunk by recommending to them the subforum here:
Friends and Family
Loving someone in addiction and recovery can be challenging. Come discuss your experiences with others who've been in your shoes.GT
PS. They don’t even have to sign up to read some of the threads.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Hmmm
Moving right along...
I am feeling good. Haven't had alcohol since friday night. I guess thats four days.
Still feel in a much better headspace after just acknowledging that anxiety and stressing out on things is killing me.
I love a good obsession but they are not serving me well lol.
I'm glad I have some positivity today.
Moving right along...
I am feeling good. Haven't had alcohol since friday night. I guess thats four days.
Still feel in a much better headspace after just acknowledging that anxiety and stressing out on things is killing me.
I love a good obsession but they are not serving me well lol.
I'm glad I have some positivity today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Yes its wednesday. They do a 2 for 1 whiskey special at this nice place by my house. I used to go every week and celebrate wednesday. It's been a tradition for years.
You posted right on time Obladi. I got a nice sized raise today at work and I am super happy but the thought of heading in for a 2 for 1 was definitely on my mind. Sigh.
Thats why I logged on to catch up on my reading.
How are you?
You posted right on time Obladi. I got a nice sized raise today at work and I am super happy but the thought of heading in for a 2 for 1 was definitely on my mind. Sigh.
Thats why I logged on to catch up on my reading.
How are you?
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Glad I beat you to it, Five.
I’m alright. Had to apologize to some colleagues today for having stepped into their lane and making a little bit of a mess. I realized last night what I’d done and suffered a good deal of discomfort over it. The mistake wasn’t egregious, just thoughtless, but still... Anyhow, my apology was accepted, so I’m mostly settled down now.
That stuff takes a lot out of me, man. But it’s so much better to deal with it than to try to drink it away.
Some days are more challenging than others, eh?
Thanks for asking.
O
I’m alright. Had to apologize to some colleagues today for having stepped into their lane and making a little bit of a mess. I realized last night what I’d done and suffered a good deal of discomfort over it. The mistake wasn’t egregious, just thoughtless, but still... Anyhow, my apology was accepted, so I’m mostly settled down now.
That stuff takes a lot out of me, man. But it’s so much better to deal with it than to try to drink it away.
Some days are more challenging than others, eh?
Thanks for asking.
O
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
I am glad you beat me to it too!
If I am honest I had crossed the drinking threshold in my mind. The plan was in action, I was on my way. It was just as I was finishing work and I decided to look here before going to get my kids from school. I'd likely be drinking now had I not seen your post.
It seems so silly after typing it out. Drinking whiskey on wednesdays. As if I need to celebrate getting halfway through the week.
After I got them home I went and ate a bunch of food and that killed off the urges. It was at least about an hour of leaning towards caving in.
Sorry you had a messy situation at work. I am a master at finding myself in situations like that. I usually feel better after trying to make things right, but I am pretty consistently beating myself up over something.
If I am honest I had crossed the drinking threshold in my mind. The plan was in action, I was on my way. It was just as I was finishing work and I decided to look here before going to get my kids from school. I'd likely be drinking now had I not seen your post.
It seems so silly after typing it out. Drinking whiskey on wednesdays. As if I need to celebrate getting halfway through the week.
After I got them home I went and ate a bunch of food and that killed off the urges. It was at least about an hour of leaning towards caving in.
Sorry you had a messy situation at work. I am a master at finding myself in situations like that. I usually feel better after trying to make things right, but I am pretty consistently beating myself up over something.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Great job on not executing your plan, Five. You are very self aware.
I'm always beating myself up over something. My close work associates used to say "you are so hard on yourself". I just always felt like I did or said something wrong. Or didn't do the best job I could have. Weird. I know the roots go way back but I've given up trying to sort some of the early crap out. I just try not to be so hard on myself these days, and accept that my perceptions are often skewed through a distorted lens.
I'm always beating myself up over something. My close work associates used to say "you are so hard on yourself". I just always felt like I did or said something wrong. Or didn't do the best job I could have. Weird. I know the roots go way back but I've given up trying to sort some of the early crap out. I just try not to be so hard on myself these days, and accept that my perceptions are often skewed through a distorted lens.
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