Journal for Five
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Oh my dear Five, I understand. That some little piece of you will continue to be correct - perhaps for a very long torturous time. You will continue to get away with it. Until you don't. It may not make you feel any better to know that the thought of drinking has crossed my mind even as I was just getting home. But that's how this thing works. It's frustrating, infuriating and sometimes downright demoralizing. I don't know that those thoughts will ever be completely banished. That's where the ironclad decision comes in - to counter the ridiculous suggestions of the addiction.
Things needn't be microscopic, but yes the prospect of rebuilding can be overwhelming. I forget - have you tried any AA meetings? There are some really decent guys in that program, and I admire their friendships. It might be worth going even if you don't "buy" the 12-step stuff. This could be one way to begin your whole different life. AA isn't the only way, but it is a ready-made solution that is just about universally available - even more so now that you can Zoom into a meeting anywhere you wish.
Getting started is the hardest part, Five. Making that decision is a huge leap, but I've made the jump so I know you can make it too.
O
Things needn't be microscopic, but yes the prospect of rebuilding can be overwhelming. I forget - have you tried any AA meetings? There are some really decent guys in that program, and I admire their friendships. It might be worth going even if you don't "buy" the 12-step stuff. This could be one way to begin your whole different life. AA isn't the only way, but it is a ready-made solution that is just about universally available - even more so now that you can Zoom into a meeting anywhere you wish.
Getting started is the hardest part, Five. Making that decision is a huge leap, but I've made the jump so I know you can make it too.
O
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Today turned out well. I'm now four days out from my drunken Saturday and feeling much better. That's what it seems to take now is 3+ days to recover. I got energy back and the aches and pains are going away.
I'm not at ironclad yet that's for sure, but I know that I want to stay sober. Need to stay sober for a long time. I did go to AA quite a bit, about 10 years ago. Had a sponsor and everything. I've always liked AA but I don't see me returning any time soon, other than virtual. I learned a lot there, but I know now that I just wasn't ready. Now I have no time.
I went skiing today and it was really nice out. A day where I normally would have sat on the patio and had a beer at the end. Instead I just came home, made dinner, and now reading here. Looking forward to resting well.
I'm not at ironclad yet that's for sure, but I know that I want to stay sober. Need to stay sober for a long time. I did go to AA quite a bit, about 10 years ago. Had a sponsor and everything. I've always liked AA but I don't see me returning any time soon, other than virtual. I learned a lot there, but I know now that I just wasn't ready. Now I have no time.
I went skiing today and it was really nice out. A day where I normally would have sat on the patio and had a beer at the end. Instead I just came home, made dinner, and now reading here. Looking forward to resting well.
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,284
Seems to me there is a need to break free of certain chains.
When the feelings start to creep up, when 'the urge' wiggles it's way into the dark recesses of consciousness, initially there is a weak but desperate attempt to fight, to be good, then 'sweet surrender' and one is enslaved once more. It's really a masochistic relationship to ephemeral feelings.
A breakthrough is to be had when there is a moment of not I-making those feelings. They are not I, not mine, and not my self. They are fleeting. They arise, stay for some time, and eventually pass.
When one does not let the enslavement happen, but rather patiently waits for the urge to pass, the ingrained tendency to surrender starts to weaken to a point where one day it is no longer a struggle. IMO AA and a commitment to it provides a readily available and stable framework to let this play out.
When the feelings start to creep up, when 'the urge' wiggles it's way into the dark recesses of consciousness, initially there is a weak but desperate attempt to fight, to be good, then 'sweet surrender' and one is enslaved once more. It's really a masochistic relationship to ephemeral feelings.
A breakthrough is to be had when there is a moment of not I-making those feelings. They are not I, not mine, and not my self. They are fleeting. They arise, stay for some time, and eventually pass.
When one does not let the enslavement happen, but rather patiently waits for the urge to pass, the ingrained tendency to surrender starts to weaken to a point where one day it is no longer a struggle. IMO AA and a commitment to it provides a readily available and stable framework to let this play out.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I don't understand why you can't make time to go back to AA? If you liked it before and you are seeking community, what could be better? Surely you could fit it in by getting up an hour earlier in the morning or some other schedule adjustment? I know it's a LOT on top or work and kids, but this is your life, man.
At the very least, yes - find a virtual meeting you like - and show your face.
At the very least, yes - find a virtual meeting you like - and show your face.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Yeah AA is not super close to me so it's a time commitment of about two hours to go to a one hour meeting. At least. Of course it takes time for me to get to know people and whatnot.
Luckily I'm not lonely at all. I've got my struggles. There are just so many balls in the air at the moment. In real life - I'm a good juggler, but if I drop one ball they usually all drop.
I think I'll just go with never drinking now. I like that one. I can't overthink this anymore. Today has been good. My kids didn't even want to go to practice they are so exhausted. So I'm sitting here at the gym relaxing. They are happy just playing in the pool.
Luckily I'm not lonely at all. I've got my struggles. There are just so many balls in the air at the moment. In real life - I'm a good juggler, but if I drop one ball they usually all drop.
I think I'll just go with never drinking now. I like that one. I can't overthink this anymore. Today has been good. My kids didn't even want to go to practice they are so exhausted. So I'm sitting here at the gym relaxing. They are happy just playing in the pool.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Huhn! I guess I'm spoiled big-time. There are in-person meetings within about 5 minutes of me most days.
Yeah, that juggling thing. I get that. One of the things I realized while in the hospital is that the most important balls to keep in the air are those that support my mental well-being. It's really a pain in the rear-end to have to do my recovery routine Every Single Day, but if I don't, I'm at huge risk.
Never drink Now. That's an approach I endorse wholeheartedly.
Try this - when you have the feeling that you need or want to drink, remind yourself, "Oh yeah, but remember, I never drink now." Or, "Damn, I wish I could use some booze. Too bad I never drink now." I'm sure you can come up with your own variations. What I found to be most powerful in the early days was to use only present tense in regard to not drinking. That helped to keep things manageable.
Glad you and the kids had a nice afternoon playing hookie.
Yeah, that juggling thing. I get that. One of the things I realized while in the hospital is that the most important balls to keep in the air are those that support my mental well-being. It's really a pain in the rear-end to have to do my recovery routine Every Single Day, but if I don't, I'm at huge risk.
Never drink Now. That's an approach I endorse wholeheartedly.
Try this - when you have the feeling that you need or want to drink, remind yourself, "Oh yeah, but remember, I never drink now." Or, "Damn, I wish I could use some booze. Too bad I never drink now." I'm sure you can come up with your own variations. What I found to be most powerful in the early days was to use only present tense in regard to not drinking. That helped to keep things manageable.
Glad you and the kids had a nice afternoon playing hookie.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Day 6 coming up. Have a very busy saturday planned again, no surprise there.
Have my kids bday party. There's a bar there at the bowling alley. I woke up and thought about how different the party would be if I drank. I'd honestly have more fun and so would all the kids cause I'd be doling out cash for the arcade and not caring. Haha.
This time I'm looking forward to getting everything done today, staying sober, and healing.
I'll probably leave the party early and let my wife give out arcade cash.
Have my kids bday party. There's a bar there at the bowling alley. I woke up and thought about how different the party would be if I drank. I'd honestly have more fun and so would all the kids cause I'd be doling out cash for the arcade and not caring. Haha.
This time I'm looking forward to getting everything done today, staying sober, and healing.
I'll probably leave the party early and let my wife give out arcade cash.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Day 6 is good, very good. Just imagine, Monday could be Day 8.
Is there anything could you do differently this birthday party that would allow you to have some fun? I don't know... maybe pick up the ball and do some goofy bowling yourself? Or get to know some of these kids a little better? Just some ideas, things I think today I might have done differently in the past. But I didn't. I 'did' the parties but didn't enjoy them at all - the noise, the mess, the obligation of it all. I don't think I ever drank during one of these parties, but I can completely understand the impulse.
Anyhow, you never drink now, so I know you can make the right moves to support that conviction.
Do whatever that is - but be sure to watch for the boomerang effect of the feelings you might experience in response to your own actions or the responses of others. Those feelings are sneaky and some of them are easily manipulated in service of the beast of addiction.
xo
O
Is there anything could you do differently this birthday party that would allow you to have some fun? I don't know... maybe pick up the ball and do some goofy bowling yourself? Or get to know some of these kids a little better? Just some ideas, things I think today I might have done differently in the past. But I didn't. I 'did' the parties but didn't enjoy them at all - the noise, the mess, the obligation of it all. I don't think I ever drank during one of these parties, but I can completely understand the impulse.
Anyhow, you never drink now, so I know you can make the right moves to support that conviction.
Do whatever that is - but be sure to watch for the boomerang effect of the feelings you might experience in response to your own actions or the responses of others. Those feelings are sneaky and some of them are easily manipulated in service of the beast of addiction.
xo
O
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
I made the most of it. Bowled a bit, danced like an idiot, talked with the kids. They all seemed to have fun.
It was a really long day.
After all those activities I had to go to dinner with my wife and another couple. They all drank and I didn't, no big deal. The social thing is just tricky because I'm so introverted to begin with, and people who are drinking drive me nuts when I'm sober. It always makes me cringe to think of all the people who have had to deal with my antics over the years. Ugh. Especially my wife.
Time to end this day.
It was a really long day.
After all those activities I had to go to dinner with my wife and another couple. They all drank and I didn't, no big deal. The social thing is just tricky because I'm so introverted to begin with, and people who are drinking drive me nuts when I'm sober. It always makes me cringe to think of all the people who have had to deal with my antics over the years. Ugh. Especially my wife.
Time to end this day.
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Originally Posted by Grymt 
initially there is a weak but desperate attempt to fight, to be good, then 'sweet surrender' and one is enslaved once more. It's really a masochistic relationship to ephemeral feelings....
When one does not let the enslavement happen, but rather patiently waits for the urge to pass, the ingrained tendency to surrender starts to weaken to a point where one day it is no longer a struggle.
When one does not let the enslavement happen, but rather patiently waits for the urge to pass, the ingrained tendency to surrender starts to weaken to a point where one day it is no longer a struggle.
Right now, I don't feel any struggle. It's almost as if alcohol doesn't exist. I'm sure thoughts will creep in as they always do, but like I said I'm trying not to overthink this anymore. Just gotta get through today with no alcohol in my system.
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,284
That's it. It will creep in again and again. But one day, (sometimes moment to moment), at a time of patiently waiting for the urge to pass will do.
Initially to be aware of is that the more equanimously one watches the urge, awaiting its passing, the more the old tendencies to surrender will manifest. This is usually how it is. It's as if the urge rises up in protest at being ignored.
It will be like that for some time. Usually proportional to the accumulated tendencies to surrender in the past. But, whatever, it will pass. Always.
Patience, patience and patience, and use positive coping mechanisms like getting out of your head by doing something nice for another so that the new habit, instead of giving up, becomes what you do instead.
Initially to be aware of is that the more equanimously one watches the urge, awaiting its passing, the more the old tendencies to surrender will manifest. This is usually how it is. It's as if the urge rises up in protest at being ignored.
It will be like that for some time. Usually proportional to the accumulated tendencies to surrender in the past. But, whatever, it will pass. Always.
Patience, patience and patience, and use positive coping mechanisms like getting out of your head by doing something nice for another so that the new habit, instead of giving up, becomes what you do instead.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Yeah, people who are drinking can be pretty obnoxious company.
It's good to hear that you made it through the day, friend. It sounds like it was very long indeed. Do something nice for yourself today.
It's good to hear that you made it through the day, friend. It sounds like it was very long indeed. Do something nice for yourself today.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
I was just writing a post and I realized I feel really good. I'm physically much much better, clear minded, and emotionally ok. It's a scary place for me. I'm not used to feeling good. I thought I felt good whilst out there drinking...one more lie I told to myself. I think I need to focus on making feeling good the new normal.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,473
Originally Posted by FiveTries
I was just writing a post and I realized I feel really good. I'm physically much much better, clear minded, and emotionally ok. It's a scary place for me. I'm not used to feeling good. I thought I felt good whilst out there drinking...one more lie I told to myself. I think I need to focus on making feeling good the new normal.
D
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Join Date: Oct 2020
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Posts: 1,542
Day 9
Difficult day today. Work was stressful, found out I made a mistake, again. Nothing that's the end of the world but of course I always hold myself to the standard of perfection. Not sure why considering the facts of my life hahaha. I took responsibility for it which is ok but I beat myself up the rest of the day basically. As usual.
I also noticed my social awkwardness strongly today. I'm in my own world. I don't connect with people in the same way. I have no way to explain it but I know it's real. I'm outside of the circle. Tired of trying so hard to be normal in my life. It doesn't fit.
One other thing is I'm pretty sure that days like today trip me up down the road. Like I have a tough day today and if I drink next week it's because of today. Except I don't know that at the time. All of these mind games have me doubting what's real. Scary to me that I believe I have a better grasp of reality when I'm drinking, versus when I'm not. Plus I think that has something to do with how I interact with others too. It's frustrating.
I'm not gonna drink though. I just can't anymore.
Difficult day today. Work was stressful, found out I made a mistake, again. Nothing that's the end of the world but of course I always hold myself to the standard of perfection. Not sure why considering the facts of my life hahaha. I took responsibility for it which is ok but I beat myself up the rest of the day basically. As usual.
I also noticed my social awkwardness strongly today. I'm in my own world. I don't connect with people in the same way. I have no way to explain it but I know it's real. I'm outside of the circle. Tired of trying so hard to be normal in my life. It doesn't fit.
One other thing is I'm pretty sure that days like today trip me up down the road. Like I have a tough day today and if I drink next week it's because of today. Except I don't know that at the time. All of these mind games have me doubting what's real. Scary to me that I believe I have a better grasp of reality when I'm drinking, versus when I'm not. Plus I think that has something to do with how I interact with others too. It's frustrating.
I'm not gonna drink though. I just can't anymore.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,580
Congrats on your Day 9, Five. That's wonderful.
I'm sorry you had a rough time at work. I, too, suffer from social anxiety & am self-conscious. I spent years thinking alcohol would actually help calm me down & make me more comfortable in my own skin. It ended up doing just the opposite. I never learned to resolve my problems or find a solution.
It's good that you are very self aware & realize drinking is not a way to cope with any problem. We need to stay clear headed & in control instead of trying to hide from our emotions.
I'm glad you don't intend to drink. We know where it leads. Nowhere good.
I'm sorry you had a rough time at work. I, too, suffer from social anxiety & am self-conscious. I spent years thinking alcohol would actually help calm me down & make me more comfortable in my own skin. It ended up doing just the opposite. I never learned to resolve my problems or find a solution.
It's good that you are very self aware & realize drinking is not a way to cope with any problem. We need to stay clear headed & in control instead of trying to hide from our emotions.
I'm glad you don't intend to drink. We know where it leads. Nowhere good.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
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Thanks Hevyn, I feel lucky that I don't have any intention of drinking anymore. I hope it lasts but I know it probably won't so I am thinking through and planning for what I will do when the inevitable urges pop up. I had a couple urges today actually.
I'm in bed now though. With a glass of milk lol. It was a good day overall, got lots of work done, wife and kids are good, and I'm sober. I'll take it.
I'm in bed now though. With a glass of milk lol. It was a good day overall, got lots of work done, wife and kids are good, and I'm sober. I'll take it.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
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Originally Posted by Obladi
Do something nice for yourself today.
Hope things are well with you tonight.
I keep thinking about this quote and trying to figure out what it means to me. How do I do something nice for myself, I don't know. For right now, I think not drinking at all is enough.
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