Grymt

Perhaps:

What is the result of doing something nice for someone else? Very much particularly without expecting something in return?

For a start that might be giving something that you are attached to to someone who, at least relatively, has little. For example giving up precious me-time and my-money devoted to dropping off blankets and food to homeless people or feeding a starving animal or even not-harming an insect.

First there is a feeling of loss, but then there is a good kind of joy that only you need to know about. Then comes a big pay-off in a long run where you have started to change a habit of indulging yourself in a selfish way to where you become satisfied in a remorseless way.

The result then is that you have done something really nice to yourself. And this kind of selflessness nurtures itself so the more letting go, the more happiness and so, in turn, the less boozing.

advbike

Fantastic post Grymt. So True.

Obladi

My mother, who is not an alcoholic but has known more than her fair share, says, "The alcoholics I have known had two traits in common: high intelligence and perfectionism." I think you'd belong in Mom's clan, Five. Of course you are more than those two traits, as we all are.

I never considered myself a perfectionist, but your post reminds me of how very hard I take it when I make a mistake at work. It's over the top, I think: I get queasy, break out in a sweat, try frantically to think of a way "out of" my disgrace, fess up, then spend the remainder of the day (and sometimes days following) barely able to stand myself. At least that's how it used to be. I'm going to try hard not to get so personally vested in these (unavoidable, because I'm human) work mishaps going forward.

Just because you don't 'fit' doesn't mean you don't belong, Five. It's like AA; the only requirement for being part of the whole is a desire to be your authentic self. I struggled for far too many years trying to fit in, in large part because "normal" people told me with great authority how they handle life. From their perspective, I could be the same as them if I just handled things the same way they do. After long decades of trial and error, I've come to the conclusion that's not possible - or even desirable. When I get right down to it, I have no desire to be like the masses steeped in materialism, ignorance and appearances. I submit that being true to your true self is the best way to belong even if you don't fit.

That wariness of days like this tripping you up down the road is gold, Five. Writing about it is a great thing to do. That was a big part of my process. I learned that, for me, I also had to do a whole lot of exploring on the inside as well. Which of the feelings/thoughts/beliefs were mine, and which did I inherit or take from others as my own? It's hard work, but I'm certain it was what I needed to do. You'll find your process and you'll know it when you 'see' it, even if it's uncomfortable.

Of course you're not going to drink; you never drink now.

Obladi

Things are good. I've been waking up ridiculously early this week and I like it. By 9:30pm I'm in bed, fast asleep. Some little part of me doesn't like the humdrumness of that routine, but I suspect that's the beast. Too bad - I know what's good for me and I'm going to do it even when my inner toddler whines.

Grymt's ideas of sharing/giving are wonderful, of course. I concede that I feel terriffic when I'm able to do someone else a good turn, particularly if no one else knows about it. On the other hand, I think it's important for us to learn how to nurture ourselves. Drinking is self-indulgent and destructive at the same time for people like us, particularly those of us who feel not worthy. I don't know if that's how you are, but it certainly is true for me.

Something nice for yourself might be... taking a real lunch break and going for a walk. Or getting some materials to try a hobby you think you might want to try, purchasing an indulgunce from afar to be delivered to your door. I don't know enough about you, but I'll bet you do and you can figure something out. Ice cream is good.

And yes, there are days that I consider successes if for no other reason that I didn't drink today. That feeling is sometimes 'enough.'

FiveTries

Those are amazing posts, thank you so much Obladi and Grymt.

It made my day reading these this morning.
It's nice to not feel alone if even for a short time.

Obladi

Faithful Companion, checking in.

Good morning, Five. I'm wondering if there is a sober weekend looming like a cloud over your head? Or if it's like a door, open to whatever may come? Whichever it may be, I can guarantee that you will wake up Monday morning thinking, "I am so glad I never drink now."

xo
O

FiveTries

Good morning Obladi

I'm not thinking of drinking on the weekend at all. I'm enjoying not drinking. It's a daily challenge for me to stay on track, but I am seeing huge benefits in how my body feels.

My plans for the weekend are lots of yard work, organizing my closet and office, going on a long bike ride tomorrow with friends, and prepping my meals for next week.

What will you be up to?

Obladi

That sounds awesome, Five.

The only plans I have for the weekend thus far are to "do the list" and have a Zoom call with my sisters about relocating to create a community with them. Food prep, too, as always. I also would like to get a new bike - that could maybe happen this weekend. Annnnnd, I need to do some research to look for a new therapist. That last one is much less thrilling than getting a bike, but probably ranks in priority. Oh! And I got my saw out so I can hack away at the overgrown "shrub" at the top of my driveway. It reaches second floor level at its height, so a major grooming is in order.

Keep in touch now, y'hear?

FiveTries

Are you moving, O?

Looks like it's time for me to get working on that plan to stay stopped. Over the past 24-48 hours my AV has reared its ugly head. I'm not sure I can explain what's going on right now but I know it's dangerous.

The thing is, I don't want to drink. I just want to be cool being sober and move on with my life. I faced some challenges this week and I think they are circling round on me. Kids getting in trouble, the mistake at work etc.

My bike ride today got canceled due to weather. I'm sitting here doing nothing. Can't get out of bed. Going out there and creating a new life is daunting. Everything is hanging over my head. And I've just woken up an hour ago!

Last night I was watching Ozark, getting close to finishing the final season. My wife got ready for bed and asks me if I'm addicted to the show. I clicked it off that second and rolled over saying, 'so much for that addiction'...and went to sleep. If only it were so easy.

Obladi

I know it’s rough, Five.

If the only thing you do today is never drink now, this will be a good day. Even if it sucks.

I’m in a Zoom meeting right now, but I’ll be back around again a bit later to check in on you.

Good on you for posting! Keep it up…

FiveTries

Haha silly mind
A friend called, I got out of bed. Played on the piano. Drank some tea. Getting ready to do work around the house. AV is now in hiding.

Obladi

Good deal.

I’ve done a load of laundry, rearranged the living room (again) and hope to go for a walk shortly. All of the sudden, I’m anxiety-nauseous. Sitting still should help.

Dee74

Hope it passed Ob.

D

Obladi

It did.
Five, I hope you are doing well.

FiveTries

I'm glad the anxiety passed, O.

I got busy on project stuff. Collecting tools to drywall tomorrow and digging up a leaky sprinkler. I really DO NOT enjoy digging. It passed the time though.

Had to drive to the store twice. I got reminded of quite a few times not wanting to go back to the store during a project, because Id start drinking while working on it. Not today.

Ate a bunch and now it looks like we are going to a play tonight, not sure what it is. Local kids.

Not thinking about drinking.
I'll be staying sober.

Obladi

Fantastic!

FiveTries

So much for that weekend.

I ran into a few bumps in the road today. Most of the stress was coming from my wife. She isn't feeling the love right now. I swear I'm like a different guy when I'm sober. I think I'm nicer but more reserved, and harder working. I don't know exactly what she sees but looks like she doesn't like it.

I'm taking it all with a positive attitude. There's nothing else I can do. I gotta keep it clean and sober. It's gonna ruffle a few feathers.

advbike

Do what's best for you Five. This is your life and your future at stake here. She will either adjust or not, but that's not your problem. No one should have to drink to please others.

I know you get all that - your attitude is excellent.

Dee74

Give yourself and your wife time to adjust to sober you. Try not to worry Five
D

Obladi

Hey Five,

This is not completely unexpected, yah? The good part is that you knew there were going to be some rocks in that particular terrain. Doesn't make it any better, I know, but I think you were able to prepare yourself for that possibility. I hope you feel as steady as you sound. I know it's really difficult for me when I'm residing in the same home with someone who isn't happy with what I'm doing, and it's rough. Especially when I know it's the right thing!

One day, you will drive to the store to get more lumber (or something), get home again, and then later realize that you didn't even think about the liquor store in either direction. That's a really great feeling.

Keep on checking in. Early times while you're establishing your non-drinking life can be quite a roller-coaster ride. We can hold you tight or throw our arms in the air with sweet abandon - whichever place you're in, we can relate.

xo
O