Briansy

Home from wedding at 10.45 PM. Nice day, funny how people don't care about your drinking if you don't seem to see it as an issue yourself. All positive stuff and I managed to get out of there nice and early after the dancing had started - people had gotten much looser and it was funny how that guard going down was happening whether I drank or not! Just observing was interesting.

Obladi

Nice job!

August252015

Ok, I'll throw out this at this point:

Post successfully handling an event sober, I learned from Dee a long time ago that it is wise to be proud we did - and it's wise to temper that with any blase (/) attitude or over confidence that can creep in.

Further, I'd ask you what your plans are for the coming work week? I was also told early that using an outing as less a chalkmark in the plus column of victory than a springboard to navigating our next "event" sober.

I'm quite concerned about how you are doing but do hope for the best. Glad you are sharing.

Briansy

This week has been pretty solid in terms of temptation. I did get the remnants of triggers associated with the conditions I described - on my own in my flat, no accountability etc. but I was more in the zone of observing it than acting on it. I saw that more as an opportunity to rewire the response rather than a genuine craving.

Day 25 for me today and I haven't gambled in that time too. Easily the longest time without a bet in about 7 or 8 years and, funnily, once I decided to do it, it has barely entered my head. As I mentioned to someone in a PM, I feel that this has really kept this go at sobriety much more secure than previously. That emotional volatility that comes with winning and losing and the messing about with the reward system in the brain. Absolute recipe for disaster. I also got off instagram which means that the only social media account I currently hold is twitter and I really only use that as a news feed. All change!

Managed to stay active when at home in Ireland and am eating well this week. Weight is coming down and am looking better. Also sleeping better. It's a beautiful day here in London and feeling happy with progress.

August252015

Good going! On the gambling part too

Obladi

This is all sounding very positive, Briansy.
Keep it going!

O

dpac414

You sound like you're doing well, Briansy.

Glad you gave up the gambling, too. That never ends well. I deleted my FB when I got sober....I either don't talk to or don't like most of the people on there anyway, so it was just a mood suck. Only people I'm interested in are my close friends and family anyway, and I talk to them through other means.

Of course I gotta ask, what does this entail? And what will you do if it starts to get the best of you? I just remember that I couldn't feel comfortable in my apartment by myself for a long time. So I'm just curious, more than anything.

Almost at one month though!! That's awesome.

Briansy

Hi dpac. On weeknights, my main trigger is coming home from work WOUND UP about something work related or else just "stuff" / resentments etc going around in my head. I get off at the train station, walk up those steps and outside - do I go home via the supermarket to get loads of booze? That was the standard one mid week. But as I don't get home til circa 7PM and usually go to bed pretty early, I don't spend long periods of time stewing in the apartment then - but that scenario I just described has been avoided just by...well, knowing I can't do it. Plus there was nowhere near a strong enough craving there. More an association "twinge".

I got back late Sunday night, will be out all day this Sunday and am golfing til about 2 PM on Saturday. Need a plan for Saturday evening!

Briansy

Like I'm sure many of us are, I tend to have mild obsessive compulsive tendencies - I'm sure that clinically I have nothing of the sort but you know what I mean. These compulsions were actually starting to imprison me. Drinking was the big one, but also gambling and I have knocked both of those on the head over the past 31 days and counting.

Another one is I have to use the same lip balm and face cream and if I don't have access to them, I freak out. A few years back, my old lip balm was discontinued so I purchased a 5 year supply, assuming I'd find a suitable alternative in that time frame. I kinda did (but still not the same) and have been using this new one for the last couple of years. It's pretty solid and I have recently discovered that this also will be discontinued. So I have purchased 500 tubes. I estimate that this will see me through to 90! At which point I hope that a suitable alternative will be available! Re: the face cream, I have been using simple hydrating light moisturiser for about 15 years. Last year they changed the formula and the new one caused me to break out. I purchased about a 10 year old supply of the old formula and truly dread the day when this expires. At this point I will be 50 and perhaps have found a wife and be content to let myself go.

Another, more serious, daily routine has been taking over the counter sleep meds. Nytol in the UK, I think it's Benadryl in the States. I have to take it at the same time every night and it takes ages to kick in for me. So even when I am out, I need to take this stuff to time it for when I get back. I absolutely hate this aspect of taking it but I must say it's been a God send in terms of helping me to sleep. I have weaned myself down to one half tablet a day from 2.5 a day and tonight is the first night of going Nytol-free. My brain has stopped releasing those chemicals from the pineal gland to get me to sleep cos it's so used to the Nytol. I'm sure it will be a tough transition, but I really want to live a life where there's nothing in my "system" ever, bar the occasional pain med if really needed.

If I pull it off I am on the road to freeing myself from the prison of:

- Alcohol
- Obsession with mobile phone
- Gambling
- Sleep meds

The face product thing is a non negotiable and I'm just gonna have to keep advance planning!

Wish me luck!

Briansy

Slept from 10.30-4.30 last night. 6 hours, enough to function. Really positive news as no doubt anyone who suffers from sleep issues and tries to sleep unaided will empathise with!

dpac414

Briansy

Yes, I'm going to clean the apartment tonight from top to toe followed by a walk. I did read 40 pages of a new book I'm reading (reading for the first time in years to avoid screen time before bed) last night and will do that again tonight. Evening showers are a v good call.

The book is Eleonor Oliphant is fine. Great book!

Briansy

Tired and slightly unwell / run down / sunken eyes the last few days. That feeling is a real challenge in very early sobriety. Need to stay mentally strong and understand that it will pass!

dpac414

Hey Briansy, just wondering how you're doing getting back on the sober track, and what you might do differently this time?

Hopefully you're feeling better.

Briansy

Hi Dpac, unfortunately, I have not been well at all. I am just off a 3 day binge and am sitting in my apartment sweating and full of fear and depression. I have a meeting with a therapist tomorrow at 5 which I'm hoping will provide long term benefits - although it may be that the first session won't be all that effective if I'm in withdrawals. I had started to have a very negative outlook on things and extreme cynicism which I am sure did me no favours and when the anger becomes unbearable I would resort to drinking. Also, more and more personal relationships are being strained and I have burned so many bridges in recent times. It's kinda crushing me and the thought of ending it all did occur to me on more than one occasion lately. That being said, I haven't gambled in nearly 2 months which is really great and I even managed to wean off my sleeping aids. And the good days I had were very good indeed. Which is why I'm reluctant to consider medication to feel better.

The feeling of my world shrinking is something that is really alarming to me. But all I can do is focus on staying stopped, work on my mental health and anger issues and try to turn things around in the longer term. I feel like others may view me as a negative joy sucker and I want that perception to change.

Obladi

Briansy,

I'm sorry things fell apart. It's glad you're back to pick up the pieces. Remember those first days after stopping are always hard and often full of doubt and recrimination.

As far as medication goes, I say "couldn't hurt, and if it does, you can always try something different." Don't dismiss something that might help because you don't think you "need" it.

I take meds and they are helpful. Even if that's completely a placebo effect, I don't care.

Keep posting. It's better to talk about it than to isolate.

O

SnazzyDresser

Hang in there, Briansy.

August252015

Keep that plan with the dr for sure, Briansy. I had to be willing to consider everything possible to get and stay sober.

dpac414

Sounds like you're in a bad way, and I'm really sorry you feel so low.

Medication is something you should definitely consider if it's recommended, especially if it's for depression and/or anxiety. I recently upped my meds quite a bit, and now that I have a sober brain they're actually working as intended. It doesn't change you, just evens the playing field for your mind to function without any barriers. Wouldn't make sense to try and run a race with weights strapped to your ankles. Not medical advice, just my experience. Medication saved me, along with being sober, therapy, and hard work on personal growth.

Go to the therapist and doctors and take any advice you can get. Keep reaching out, here, and to friends or family. Consider every option to help yourself. You really, truly do not have to feel this way. It's a tough road for sure, but things that burned down can be rebuilt better and stronger.

You can do this. Keep posting. DMs are open if you want to chat that way too. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Briansy

Absolutely August. I should have looked into this a long time ago. The prospect of addressing the warped thinking that leads to low self esteem, anger, damaged relationships is encouraging indeed. Perhaps not all that different from the AA practice of clearing out the wreckage of the past? That aspect of the programme was definitely something that I can see would be of great value in moving ahead with a clear conscience.