Checking in
Doggiema
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by Briansy 
Utterly wretched evening and night full of anxiety, sweating and insomnia. Guess it was naive to think I wouldn't pay. But the fight remains. Get through day 3 and maybe get some sleep tonight
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1,602
Thanks guys. Night 2 is bad but it's not as bad as 1! So my thoughts go out to you Doggiema. I know that this will soon fade but also that these bad nights of WDs will only get worse if allowed to happen again. Came in and getting a good morning of work done. Weather has picked up a bit here thankfully. Always helps.
Doggiema
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by Briansy
Thanks guys. Night 2 is bad but it's not as bad as 1! So my thoughts go out to you Doggiema. I know that this will soon fade but also that these bad nights of WDs will only get worse if allowed to happen again. Came in and getting a good morning of work done. Weather has picked up a bit here thankfully. Always helps.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Originally Posted by Briansy
I also think it's hard to identify what is actually underlying if you constantly relapse.
Sustaining the "eff-its" is really not tenable, for sure. But it is really really easy to employ them effectively from time to time. Sort of like Skinner's geese, eh?
Sorry you have been feeling so awful and I'm hoping that you are on the mend soon.
O
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1,602
Well, here I am back again. The last two days I drank very large amounts of alcohol. I woke up yesterday morning and went straight to a bottle of wine. Ended up drinking 5 bottles. Sent many text messages, clearly people would have known I was jacked up. I really pissed off my business partner and not sure if I should come clean with him on Monday. Right now, I am just going to have to wait it out and deal with the withdrawals over the next few days.
I feel like I lost all of the fight lately. That focus to stay sober. I know for sure that I was effectively planning my next drink even when I wasn't drinking. Even though I would tell myself I am not drinking again, it was very half hearted and I just knew it wasn't the case.
Yesterday was grim. Total oblivion. I feel so ashamed.
Should I tell my business partner? I feel like he may have suspected I was drinking yesterday. He knows I am trying to stay off it and generally I have been relatively good at work lately.
Just feeling totally lost and defeated currently. Staying away from SR was a bad idea.
I feel like I lost all of the fight lately. That focus to stay sober. I know for sure that I was effectively planning my next drink even when I wasn't drinking. Even though I would tell myself I am not drinking again, it was very half hearted and I just knew it wasn't the case.
Yesterday was grim. Total oblivion. I feel so ashamed.
Should I tell my business partner? I feel like he may have suspected I was drinking yesterday. He knows I am trying to stay off it and generally I have been relatively good at work lately.
Just feeling totally lost and defeated currently. Staying away from SR was a bad idea.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Briansy,
I am sorry to hear you in such pain, but I suspect your post was spot on -- you had not made the decision. For me that was key -- I stopped pretty effectively for streches of time, but it was when I really decided down deep on an emotional level that I would never drink again AND that I would never quit the decision that true change happened.
No out, no what ifs, just done, totally and completely. After that it was just a question of getting through it until it got better, and knowing it would. I still get bored sometimes after 5 years, and I cannot say it does not cross my mind, but it is not an option. And somehow for me, it really helped that I had decided, so no decision to be taken. I want a drink, no you don't drink, you already decided that, so no need to even think about kind of thing. Not saying its easy, but it is simple or can be. I am a stubborn broad.
KNOW in you heart and soul, that everytime you drink will turn into a sh$t show eventually, and what is the point really. For most of us, it really just is a VERY bad habit. I was never physcially addicted like I used to be to cigs, but it was so much harder to stop in my head. Go figure.
But you too can make that decision and this time feel it, to your toes. It should make you itchy when you say to yourself, and I will never quit the decision, even now makes me a bit nervous.
As to whether you should tell your business partner, I do not know them and do not know your relationship, but I was very careful to talk to people about it - no promises, I just did it. I have a big job and telling folks could have been an issue, but you really need to decide what will help you stop.
If it were me, I would just apologize for talking sh$t on Friday and leave it at that. But many would disagree.
Reading your posts, I really feel you can do this, but you keep getting in your own way. Stop that (and watch the Bob Newhart scetch of same name).
All the best! Go for it, and dont look back.
I am sorry to hear you in such pain, but I suspect your post was spot on -- you had not made the decision. For me that was key -- I stopped pretty effectively for streches of time, but it was when I really decided down deep on an emotional level that I would never drink again AND that I would never quit the decision that true change happened.
No out, no what ifs, just done, totally and completely. After that it was just a question of getting through it until it got better, and knowing it would. I still get bored sometimes after 5 years, and I cannot say it does not cross my mind, but it is not an option. And somehow for me, it really helped that I had decided, so no decision to be taken. I want a drink, no you don't drink, you already decided that, so no need to even think about kind of thing. Not saying its easy, but it is simple or can be. I am a stubborn broad.
KNOW in you heart and soul, that everytime you drink will turn into a sh$t show eventually, and what is the point really. For most of us, it really just is a VERY bad habit. I was never physcially addicted like I used to be to cigs, but it was so much harder to stop in my head. Go figure.
But you too can make that decision and this time feel it, to your toes. It should make you itchy when you say to yourself, and I will never quit the decision, even now makes me a bit nervous.
As to whether you should tell your business partner, I do not know them and do not know your relationship, but I was very careful to talk to people about it - no promises, I just did it. I have a big job and telling folks could have been an issue, but you really need to decide what will help you stop.
If it were me, I would just apologize for talking sh$t on Friday and leave it at that. But many would disagree.
Reading your posts, I really feel you can do this, but you keep getting in your own way. Stop that (and watch the Bob Newhart scetch of same name).
All the best! Go for it, and dont look back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1,602
Thanks for your kind and helpful words, Dropsie. I feel like it was almost necessary for an incident like yesterday to take place. To not "get away with it". But feeling devestated and very lonely today. I do not know why I have kept the door open on drinking. It is so idiotic. Feeling very foolish and low today.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Briansy
I feel like it was almost necessary for an incident like yesterday to take place. To not "get away with it". But feeling devestated and very lonely today. I do not know why I have kept the door open on drinking. It is so idiotic. Feeling very foolish and low today.
Telling your business partner is not the problem you need to focus on - and, now.
You've been here a pretty good while and keep choosing all manner of these purely destructive scenarios. They are ONLY instructional, perhaps, if they prompt you to decide to quit, for good, and get help. Real help, and a real plan you execute every day.
I hope you will.
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,385
Getting sober can be a mercilessly brutal process, a humbling one as well. Hang in there, keep a close eye on what's going on when things break down for you. Keep trying new tactics. Be creative, and be willing to give up on old ideas you have about yourself that aren't serving you well anymore.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Briansy - It sounds like you learned something valuable. The last time I drank I ended up feeling so disgusted & disappointed. It wasn't fun, an escape, or useful in any way. I acted reckless and stupid. I knew it was over - I was finished. I never picked up again - and it's been nearly 12 yrs.
There's nothing in it for us anymore - it sucks the life out of us. You'll rise above this awful episode. Try to remember how you feel and never return to this miserable place.
There's nothing in it for us anymore - it sucks the life out of us. You'll rise above this awful episode. Try to remember how you feel and never return to this miserable place.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by August252015
I hope you will find a way, somehow, to quit the very unnecessary tests. They aren't idiotic- they are things those in active addiction do. And they do not have to happen.
The only way the tests end is if you quit.
Briansy, you will never ace these tests. There’s no loophole. No answer key. No way around it, or over or under it, no possible way to get away with it.
It wins, you lose. Period.
The only way to come out of this alive is to cut your losses and quit.
If AVRT is not doing it and the support here isn’t doing it, try AA. It’s not a big deal. The only big deal about AA is the fact that it’s completely about getting sober, which is why active alcoholics don’t want to go. I chose another path and quit. But if that’s not happening for you, it’s likely you need a better support system with more accountability.
It really is game over, briansy. There are no more tests to take.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1,602
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
There is so much absolute truth in this.
The only way the tests end is if you quit.
Briansy, you will never ace these tests. There’s no loophole. No answer key. No way around it, or over or under it, no possible way to get away with it.
It wins, you lose. Period.
The only way to come out of this alive is to cut your losses and quit.
If AVRT is not doing it and the support here isn’t doing it, try AA. It’s not a big deal. The only big deal about AA is the fact that it’s completely about getting sober, which is why active alcoholics don’t want to go. I chose another path and quit. But if that’s not happening for you, it’s likely you need a better support system with more accountability.
It really is game over, briansy. There are no more tests to take.
The only way the tests end is if you quit.
Briansy, you will never ace these tests. There’s no loophole. No answer key. No way around it, or over or under it, no possible way to get away with it.
It wins, you lose. Period.
The only way to come out of this alive is to cut your losses and quit.
If AVRT is not doing it and the support here isn’t doing it, try AA. It’s not a big deal. The only big deal about AA is the fact that it’s completely about getting sober, which is why active alcoholics don’t want to go. I chose another path and quit. But if that’s not happening for you, it’s likely you need a better support system with more accountability.
It really is game over, briansy. There are no more tests to take.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
The way I got the first year was in two six-month increments.
I made an "absolute" pact with myself that from that moment forward, for six full months, I would not drink alcohol for any reason, good or bad, period.
After the six months, I would review how things were, how I felt, and whether I wanted to "renew" my contract with myself for six more months.
I was able to do that because I saw an end in sight, and left myself no loopholes before that end was reached.
It worked really well. I renewed for six more months, and then six more.
My mistake was not "officially" choosing to make it for a longer period of time or for good. I left myself a loophole and ended up choosing to relapse just before the two-year mark.
I'm doing the same thing again now and am 8 days short of five months. At six months I will renew, but this time for a year. At that time, I will extend 2-5 years.
Many folks do better with forever, but so far when I've tried that, I can feel a part of myself hold back and refuse the idea of always. That is my honest truth.
I consciously have the intention to never drink again, but I feel I will be more successful in making that final "pact" if I arrive at the final renewal with five years of sobriety behind me.
I'm not advocating this idea, just sharing what helped me get the most sober time I've ever managed to get in a row. I have to say this time around this first six months has been much easier, so I think my subconscious has finally begun to acclimate and accept that this is, in the end, a forever choice because it has to be.
The point is to get down the road and get yourself a solid sober baseline and then your head will be clear enough to see the next steps. It's too easy to slip early in the journey. I think that's why one day at time works so well for many--they concentrate on the day so they don't lose focus on their resolve.
But for me, it didn't work because the promise of a drink was just too close. [You know how the saying goes--not today, you can drink tomorrow? Well, I would. So that just didn't work].
We are all individual--what are promises you can make to yourself that you know can keep?
I made an "absolute" pact with myself that from that moment forward, for six full months, I would not drink alcohol for any reason, good or bad, period.
After the six months, I would review how things were, how I felt, and whether I wanted to "renew" my contract with myself for six more months.
I was able to do that because I saw an end in sight, and left myself no loopholes before that end was reached.
It worked really well. I renewed for six more months, and then six more.
My mistake was not "officially" choosing to make it for a longer period of time or for good. I left myself a loophole and ended up choosing to relapse just before the two-year mark.
I'm doing the same thing again now and am 8 days short of five months. At six months I will renew, but this time for a year. At that time, I will extend 2-5 years.
Many folks do better with forever, but so far when I've tried that, I can feel a part of myself hold back and refuse the idea of always. That is my honest truth.
I consciously have the intention to never drink again, but I feel I will be more successful in making that final "pact" if I arrive at the final renewal with five years of sobriety behind me.
I'm not advocating this idea, just sharing what helped me get the most sober time I've ever managed to get in a row. I have to say this time around this first six months has been much easier, so I think my subconscious has finally begun to acclimate and accept that this is, in the end, a forever choice because it has to be.
The point is to get down the road and get yourself a solid sober baseline and then your head will be clear enough to see the next steps. It's too easy to slip early in the journey. I think that's why one day at time works so well for many--they concentrate on the day so they don't lose focus on their resolve.
But for me, it didn't work because the promise of a drink was just too close. [You know how the saying goes--not today, you can drink tomorrow? Well, I would. So that just didn't work].
We are all individual--what are promises you can make to yourself that you know can keep?
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
A point I'll throw in here is that markers like 30 days, 90 days, 9 mo, a year...whether in AA or not, they are important. And they work to both keep us in short(er) term goals (like the renewal idea above!) - as well as do something that made sense to me when I first heard it:
"At first we need to look at what is right in front of us; then, we can grow to consider the middle distance. Eventually, we can see with the long distance in mind, while working towards the middle and living with what's right in front of us." Or something like that.
The balance of "one day at a time" and "permanently" is something each one of us has to find.
Briansy, one thing you have mentioned over and over is that you haven't given sobriety a chance to work - ie, longer than 30, 40, such days (I might be off on the count but the point is the same). It really does take more than a minute to get the hang of a new life, let alone begin to find increasing happiness, joy, productivity and more.
It's completely up to you. I'm not sure any of us have ever "wanted" to do AA and I sure didn't, to put it mildly. But as many say, it was my last resort.
And because I decided it might work I committed to it, and it saved my life.
I think perhaps the biggest things we are saying are:
You cannot beat this
Commit to a plan and program of recovery and do it.
Keeping your head down won't dodge the bullet.
"At first we need to look at what is right in front of us; then, we can grow to consider the middle distance. Eventually, we can see with the long distance in mind, while working towards the middle and living with what's right in front of us." Or something like that.
The balance of "one day at a time" and "permanently" is something each one of us has to find.
Briansy, one thing you have mentioned over and over is that you haven't given sobriety a chance to work - ie, longer than 30, 40, such days (I might be off on the count but the point is the same). It really does take more than a minute to get the hang of a new life, let alone begin to find increasing happiness, joy, productivity and more.
It's completely up to you. I'm not sure any of us have ever "wanted" to do AA and I sure didn't, to put it mildly. But as many say, it was my last resort.
And because I decided it might work I committed to it, and it saved my life.
I think perhaps the biggest things we are saying are:
You cannot beat this
Commit to a plan and program of recovery and do it.
Keeping your head down won't dodge the bullet.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I'm so sorry you're going through this, Briansy. It's such a demoralizing, exhausting, brutal battle. And so confounding because you know what needs to be done! I get it, boy do I ever get it.
Pretty much all of the things I did to stay stopped this last time were things I didn't want to do. Starting with - I didn't want to quit, not really. But there was no other sane choice, you know? My head just about exploded the day I realized that wanting to drink and not drinking were not mutually exclusive - and that's ok.
The thing about milestones is true for me too. The most time of continuous sobriety I managed to put together in the last decade or so was somewhere shy of 60 days. So this time, I was bound and determined (though not at all confident) that I was going to make it past two months. Then, like Forrest Gump running across the country, I decided to just keep going.
Join me?
O
Pretty much all of the things I did to stay stopped this last time were things I didn't want to do. Starting with - I didn't want to quit, not really. But there was no other sane choice, you know? My head just about exploded the day I realized that wanting to drink and not drinking were not mutually exclusive - and that's ok.
The thing about milestones is true for me too. The most time of continuous sobriety I managed to put together in the last decade or so was somewhere shy of 60 days. So this time, I was bound and determined (though not at all confident) that I was going to make it past two months. Then, like Forrest Gump running across the country, I decided to just keep going.
Join me?
O
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