Checking in
 

Hello all. I promised to check in when cravings got to the point of being uncomfortable so here I go. I have been toying with the idea of going to get a couple of bottles of wine and zoning out in my apartment tonight. I have somewhat changed my mindset from getting a few weeks under my belt and then another few weeks to taking it down to days - and today that means one day! The truth is I have been up and down like a yo-yo, but the ups have been so nice. And they very often follow a tough day. I know if I make it through today that I will wake up tomorrow and use that new Gortex rain suit I just bought on a long hike and feel great. And I will keep the run going. It's all about keeping the run going and getting more and more sober time and training the brain not to respond that exact same way every time. Eventually I know that brain will stop "expecting" it and "asking" for me to go seek it. Thankfully it's 6.50PM here so close to dinner time. Gonna order myself some nice food and get an early night.

I can now see that there is no part of drinking that makes my life better but those urges from the mid-brain are just gonna come and that's the way it is. It's not an actual endorsement of drinking just my brain doing what I have trained it to do. Well, this is me untraining it.

Any and all support welcome!!

Don't toy with the idea too long. Such thoughts have a way of taking root and intruding upon our thinking.

My relapses always started well before I actually purchased the alcohol.

Goretex suit sounds great! How about a power hike instead of a bottle ?

Yes, the thoughts started creeping in early afternoon - but I couldn't bring myself to do the easy thing and not let myself get to that next stage - another day, week, month, not resetting the clock.

Just had a large lamb doner kebab, fries and onion rings. Delicious. Healthy eating went out the window for tonight. Looking forward to walking it off in the AM. Loving my new Goretex. It's for golf but will work well for hiking. Hope I don't need it tomorrow.

Excellent idea....if I were near you I'd let you buy me dinner!

Well, woke up satisfied after a solid 8 hours sleep. Didn't love the gorging last night but there are worse things I could have done clearly.

Good work on channeling your cravings, Briansy. Afternoons are still strange for me. It’s just a big craving time in general, I know there are natural dips in afternoon for everyone but if you read around you notice most people have cravings in the afternoon. I have them for sugar at that time also.

I’ve done sort of a going with the flow thing where I only eat in the afternoon, between one and six, because it seems to just be the time where I need something, anything....it can keep the alcohol thoughts from coming as well.

Hiking is amazing, I love it, it’s all we did in Hawaii. If you have goretex on are you in Australia???? It’s hotter than hades here in the US. :). Your food sounds British/ Australian also!

Keep fighting the good fight, I will too!

Stick with the hike instead of the bottle. My cravings are insatiable, constant battle to keep them down

Yes, the food is definitely a British staple (saturated fat drenched skewered kebab meat is keto heaven, no?!), I'm based in London but am from Ireland originally. I bought the Goretex for golf but I have been doing a lot of hiking lately so it may come in handy for that. I am ridiculously picky about purchases like that I know I'll have in years. Tried it on again this morning and am pleased to say I nailed it! I had a very expensive set stolen on a recent trip but I never loved it and am glad it's gone!

Hiking and being out in the outdoors is the best. There are so many beautiful spots within a reasonable drive from where I live in London that I've only just discovered. I spend a lot of time on my own anyway so having an activity that takes up most of the day that isn't drinking is optimal. Golf has bee my big pastime but I am taking a bit of a break at the moment - always good to mix things up. Hawaii sounds amazing. Sounds like my heaven. Loads of great golf and hiking. I'm not a beach person but am going to get a Personal trainer. Maybe if I get ripped I'll change my view! Won't change my pale Irish skin though ..

Well, I'm afraid my resolve didn't last.

I wonder where the tough love merchants were when I asked for a bit of support?

Hi Briansy. At which point, and why, did you decide to drink.

Well, you didn't ask for a smack upside the head!

Do you have any left? If so, hie thee to the loo and send it where it belongs. You know there are only two directions to go here - one is back to hell and the other is on the road to healthiness.

O

What kind of support would have kept you from drinking, Briansy? And is that lack of support really the reason you drank?

It's all fine to own your sobriety when things go well. You have to own your failures too. Don't put it on us. No one here is powerful enough to make you drink.

Or keep you sober, for that matter.

Well that's a bummer. I hope you will stop today....this doesn't have to be a total disaster.

I'm not a tough love kinda person. Never have been. Never will be. And I'm not a very good cheerleader either.

I also know that no one on the internet can stop me from drinking if my mind is made up to do so. Face to face support has helped me tho. AA meetings are great drink deterrents. Maybe have a few of those on the ready in the future?

I’m not really good at the tough love thing anymore....maybe because I have my own cravings, lately.

All I can say is, if you go long enough in sobriety where sobriety is normal to your brain, it will seem bizarre to drink, and like something out of the ordinary. It will feel shocking, sort of like deciding you’re going to go all day without clothes, just because.

I have cravings that I don’t indulge mainly because I have gone a long, long time without indulging them, and it’s just not what I do, now.

Commit to a longer period and stop giving yourself excuses and reasons to drink, just shut that down. Long enough where sobriety forms a habit.

Get back on it...staying off course will only lead to worse and worse outcomes, as you know.

What's your plan for today? I'm a firm believer that a relapse starts well before those first thoughts or that day, many I hear say it can be, usually is 90 or more days out. What were you doing a few months ago, and what did you change? I recall you not like some of the things I said, that they weren't "getting it" or supportive" at all.....maybe writing down things you did find helpful - and those you didn't - and what you did or didn't do with them to make connections to drinking now.

Brian, are you trying to go it alone? Are you going it alone with just the internet for support?

I know of a couple of rare examples where people quit on their on, but for the rest of us, including me, we had to find alcoholics who don't drink and ask for help.

I suspect you've quit a hundred times and drank again every time. Go find some help and see if you can make this one different.

You were warned and you yourself acknowledged that relapse starts long before the first drink.

We can’t not drink for you.

Own you alone exercising your free will made the choice to pick up again, quit blame-shifting, improve your sobriety plan and get back on the horse and do it.

Tough enough?

Briansy,

Treat it as a blip and it will be, treat it as failure and it will be.

I vote for a blip, put your Gortex and your big boy pants on and go for a good walk and put yesterday where it is -- in the past!

Well that was horrible - the last time I drank I guess I "got away with it" but most certainly did not get away with it this time. That was a joyless and miserable 36 hours. I hope the memory of this feeling can remain raw. Feeling ashamed and physically in bits. Another day 1. I still feel progress is being made. But it has to stick this time before something really bad happens.