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Old 08-20-2019, 11:10 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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I'll be honest, Briansy, if that experience doesn't motivate you to stay sober from now on, I don't know what will.

You are lucky to be alive after drinking so much. I sincerely hope you never do that again.
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Old 08-20-2019, 12:30 PM
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Originally Posted by sobersophie View Post
I'll be honest, Briansy, if that experience doesn't motivate you to stay sober from now on, I don't know what will.

You are lucky to be alive after drinking so much. I sincerely hope you never do that again.
Yesterday was a scare. I intend to use that experience.
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Old 08-20-2019, 12:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Briansy View Post
- Drank 50 units on Sunday - woke up after the Saturday session expecting I'd "get away with it" and be able to go on my planned morning hike to clear my head. No chance. My head was pounding, I thew up and then I went to get two bottles of wine.

- It took me two bottles to get back to an even vaguely normal state. But I was out of it and feeling horribly dehydrated and emotions were all over the place - mainly anger.

- I threw up again after the first two bottles before going to the shop again for another 2 more. Plus a sh!tty oven pizza and a twix.

- I put a number of loose instagram comments on people's accounts - supposed to be funny but will have sounded a bit manic. Talked crap to people on text including to one friend who I got very angry at. Effectively went off at him. I was properly in a rage at this point.

- I passed out probably at about 7 or 8 o'clock - but not before I went to the off licence mid-black out to buy another bottle and 6 cans of lager. Looks like I drank two cans and most of the bottle. Who knows what I did or said during that blackout. As I have a habit of deleting texts after sending.

- I woke up to a voice note from my friend who I had unleashed at. I deleted it as I couldn't bring myself to hear what he had to say. it was around 6AM Monday morning. It took me two hours to get out of bed. I had made up something the day before about working form home. I was violently ill and had ripped open my stomach the day before with all the vommiting and drinking on an empty stomach.

- I looked in the mirror, red face, horrible dark red acne breakout in my forehead, yellow, sunken eyes. I was in a panic. Feeling utterly wretched with nausea to add to the hot and cold flashes and profuse sweating.

- Had a shower and tried to gather myself and eat lunch. Managed a few bites and chucked away the rest.

- The rest of the day was spent in self-flagellation. Remorse, shame, beating myself up. And all the physical stuff to go with the mental anguish. I eventually took a double dose of sleeping meds and semi-knocked myself out. I went in to a sort of stupor for 9 hours which was not sleep - but hard to stay fully conscious with that amount of sleeping aids. I got up to get water about 20 times. Changed my sleeping clothes a couple of times cos of sweating.

- Woke up today full of fear for the day ahead. My business partner is in fine form which is a huge relief. I am "faking it" well. Lying, pretending to work, waiting for the day to end although it is a big improvement on how I felt yesterday. I know this physical and mental feeling will subside and I'll be back on something of an even keel by the end of the week. And the rawness of yesterday will fade.

- Every now and then my friend pops into my head - the guy I went off at. Think he's a bit of a toxic friend so not massively keen on engaging with him even though I am totally in the wrong. Will leave that one a few days - but I'll have to explain and tell the truth. Not sure if I trust him enough to do that.

- All of this because my brain convinces me I can "get away with it". That this stressed or anxious state I'm in can be released and "reset". That's the nonsense I need to get past.

Is this a bit too much?! Not sure if I am exposing myself a little here...
Thank you so much for this raw and honest post. It helps everyone.

Also: this is basically an exact play by play of my birthday weekend, 2017. I quit that Monday.

Just add far more humiliation with the messaging and texting, plus involving my husbandís coworkers; and youíve just described my last three day bender.

I see a good person in you, Briansy. You seem thoughtful and caring, and youíve got some beautiful ideas about what to do with your sober time. Let that good man out.

Put it down for good. I know you can. We believe in you.
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Old 08-21-2019, 01:52 AM
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Thanks all, for the support. Feeling much better today - will read that horrid account again to keep it fresh in my mind!
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Old 08-21-2019, 03:06 AM
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Brainsy - Great description of your drinking experience. Thank you. When you look at the whole picture perhaps you can recognize that you can't "get away with it" because the first drinking day just leads to the second one and the progression is explosive. Again thank you for your open honest share.
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Old 08-21-2019, 03:23 AM
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Briansy, I've been following this thread and hesitated to pipe up since you didn't like my last few comments on those others threads.

Quickly- it's great that you wrote out and faced the literal stuff you did and drank.
I hear a bit of the "test" mentality that a couple of us mentioned to you before. Keeping negative reminders or continuing a prevent/pass-fail/etc mindset is looking back - not deciding what you will do now.

You have to be sober more than you want to drink, and a piece of paper describing insane behavior or near death doesn't always have the power we want it to.

You were big into Annie Grace and such - what can you apply from that study NOW? What else will you do? My point is that we have to be proactive- ie a plan for not drinking, from now on- not "retro" active by burning holes in paper stories of how we nearly lost it all.

If you do find that holding onto the story and reading it helps you - even if you don't try AA- the stories of real people in the BB might be of great value to you as they will undoubtedly ring true in plenty of ways.

Best to you.
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Old 08-22-2019, 10:30 AM
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Hey Briansy, hope you're doing okay and recovering from the weekend.

How are things going?
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Old 08-22-2019, 12:35 PM
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Originally Posted by dpac414 View Post
Hey Briansy, hope you're doing okay and recovering from the weekend.

How are things going?
Thanks for checking in dpac! I just finished a 10 mile walk home from work. Had a nice dinner and am enjoying some golf on TV. The first 3 days were very tough - especially day 1 which was hell. But today was pretty good. Read Annie Grace again and also "Alcohol lied to me" which is a variation on Annie's theme and also v similar to Allen Carr.

Not gonna let myself forget Sunday and Monday.

How are you doing? All going as hoped?
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Old 08-22-2019, 04:31 PM
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I think you did the right thing posting you were struggling. I remember when I had two months I was struggling with cravings also. What I said to myself I will never have two months again if I drink after a week later it got a lot easier . Just post when you feel like your in danger. I only saying this as a suggestion see if you could find some other people in recovery that you could call for support. You did the right thing and it worked good job.
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Old 08-22-2019, 06:18 PM
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Yeah I'm good. Just got back from a boxing class and I c r u s h e d it. Feel on top of the world and like the world's strongest woman, hah.

Glad to hear you're recouping well. Just stay close to us, if you can.
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Old 08-23-2019, 01:33 PM
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Well, got through the week and now have 2 weeks off work. Met a friend for a meal and a walk in a beautiful part of Surrey tonight. Good to get out of my own head. Looking forward to heading back to Ireland tomorrow and getting some clean air, exercise and hopefully lots of lovely rest. Might even read a non-self help book!
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Old 08-23-2019, 06:26 PM
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Great to hear it, Briansy. I agree about the importance of getting out of our own heads. Especially in early recovery, when we tend to overthink everything.
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Old 08-24-2019, 06:15 AM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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I love lawyer/dectective/mystery/thriller books.
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Old 09-06-2019, 05:49 AM
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Well, day 19 which is enough time to have reached an even keel. I've been at home in Ireland for the last 2 weeks and so in a "safe zone" where drinking wasn't an option, not that I wanted to do it anyway. But the drinking dreams have stopped and I have only been thinking about it to the extent that it's an ever present part of life in the world we live in. Although far less present than I would have given it credit for when I was drinking!

I have a wedding tomorrow which doesn't concern me but what I really need to be on my guard for is next week, when I am back to work after my break at home, back to my apartment which I live in alone and noone to report to or able to see what I'm up to. I have absolutely no desire to drink and my last day of drinking is still reasonably vivid in my mind (as I have kept it that way), but it would be silly not to acknowledge that I am entering a precarious period where I need to remain vigilant!

Anyway, all good otherwise. Feeling good, sleeping well and feeling rested. I need to get back focusing on doing some proper work next week and keep on full throttle until the Christmas break. I will then have 3 weeks to relax and hopefully feel good about the productivity achieved in that time. As opposed to stressed out of my brain as I've not made the kind of money for my company that I need to be to keep things ticking along nicely.
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Old 09-06-2019, 07:50 AM
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Since you asked for pre-emptive tough love in a backhanded, after the fact way last time, here's some:

Being not worried, seemingly cavalier, about a wedding seems foolish and risky to me. In short, I'll say what I always do: DONT GO. If you insist - CHOOSE- to go, make a plan. See the many comments on this for ideas if you need them.

"Safe zones" and such can be good....and also imply or be an underlying assumption that anyone or anything other than us can keep us choosing not to drink.

Put the word choice in place of any quibbling words.

It ain't about making money, or filling time or holes or .... you need a plan and a program and it sure doesn't seem like Annie Grace is fitting the bill.

Take or leave what I'm saying, but know that I see you as a smart person who is continuing to deflect and deceive yourself about being done with this insanity we all have, and getting on the road to a very different life.
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Old 09-06-2019, 03:14 PM
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Jeez August, tough love indeed!
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Old 09-06-2019, 05:18 PM
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Briansy, congratulations on Day 19. That's amazing progress, and I'm glad that the "geographic cure" has worked for you.

Many-a-person has met their downfall through attending a wedding or other festive affair with booze flowing, so I understand August's concern. (And also, you did belatedly lament that you didn't get the tough love you thought you needed previously.) If you are 110% positive that a drop will not pass your lips due to the "safe zone, no option" place you mention, then I trust you on that (I'm not the tough love type.) However, you may want to have an escape plan in place just in case the unthinkable option arises?

You're right that getting back to your regular life is a precarious venture. Aside from working hard and remaining vigilant, what other plans have you made to maintain your new sobriety? What needs to change in your life to give you the best chance possible?

O
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Old 09-06-2019, 06:59 PM
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Agree with both August and O.

What are are you going to do when you get back to your old routine and life? To be completely honest, I couldnít spend a lot of time alone in my apartment, because thatís where I drank. I couldnít play video games, watch tv, cook dinner, etc because they were triggering. So I made plans around it. I kept myself out of those situations - and unfortunately out of my *home* - until I had worked on recovery enough to slowly add things back in. I still donít really cook for myself because itís a trigger. So however long I have to eat frozen or takeout meals, so be it. Itís better than drinking. These are the lengths I had to go to in order to stay sober. In the grand scheme of everything, it wasnít much.

This stuff has to go hand in hand with a program of recovery. Because if you donít work at that, itís the like the bell jar. No matter where you go, youíre still in your own sour air.

I know you have it in you. You had made a list after your last relapse. Add to it. Bolster it with more than you think you need. Take any and all advice given by the many people here whoíve been through it all. Work on yourself. You can do it, I know it. As always, Iím rooting for you.
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Old 09-07-2019, 01:25 AM
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You're going to have to trust me on the wedding stuff. I know where the danger lies for me and it's not weddings with the group of people I'm going with. Being in social situations with my long time, supportive friends is massively beneficial to me as it helps me realise that just because I'm not drinking alcohol, doesn't mean I have to be "missing out" on good times. There are other types of social situations that I'm not going anywhere near, however. And I will say that I am really glad that this is my last wedding in quite some time. Being in massive groups of people REALLY isn't my thing!

One massive thing that has changed is I haven't gambled since my last drink and have no intention to ever again. I identified it as a big block to my sobriety but kept going back to it as that, in and of itself is tough to kick. There's a 70 minute film called pleasure unwoven which gives a detailed description of why carrying on with other addictions which hit the same pleasure centres in the brain make it virtually impossible to quit. But, O and DPac, yes, our triggers sound similar. Festering in the apartment must be avoided at all costs. There are plenty means by which I can do this but this activity really went hand in hand with sports gambling for me in a big way, so I'm hoping the removal of that element will play a role. The reading I've been doing has been really helpful I must say. So much good stuff, some of which eventually sticks with enough repeated effort.



As most of you guys know, though, hindsight is 20-20 and the best lessons are always learned from bitter experience. Now does that mean I'll need another few relapses to really cement this stuff? No. Over the last 2 years, the penny has slowly dropped for me. There is much more to learn, but I think I am in a position where I can learn these whilst not dangling on the edge of a cliff where one tiny push will send me over.
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Old 09-07-2019, 01:46 AM
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O, the "Geographical cure" reference reminds me of the MANY AA shares relating to "Geographicals". So many slogans! Whilst, at this moment in time, it has been helpful to be in a house where it is established I don't drink and around people who are delighted to see me not drink, I am certainly not attributing this with undue weight in why I've gotten back to an even keel.
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