Obladi

Think about writing the whole horrible thing down with more detail somewhere? Here or in a notepad, or whatever. What happened, what was it like to not get away with it, how did it feel along the way?

Glad you're back.

Briansy

That's a good idea, O. Not for today as I can barely put one foot in front of the other. I had five bottles of wine, I'm lucky I didn't end up in hospital.

I have a bad acne breakout on my forehead. Classic alcoholic look. Not in work today either. Just an all around wretched day today.

Briansy

Saturday evening. Why did I drink? I honestly couldn't even answer that. I think I thought I could get away with it. Utterly stupid. This hard-wiring in my brain is proving very difficult to undo.

I think my gambling is also having an affect. Saturday was my last bet. Let's see if staying away from that will get me across the line in remaining abstinent. I remain committed. Days like today are utter misery. It's a really bad one this time, which given how much I drank is not surprising.

Obladi

Oh, definitely get away from betting for good! Drinking and betting are often triggers for each other. I think it may be due to the thrill of the risk?

Don't wait too long to write it down - those visceral and emotional feelings fade fast.

O

Briansy

Yes they do. I hate that phenomenon.

I know for sure that betting is a trigger for me. Let's see how staying away will impact things.

Thanks for your input, O. This is a bloody tough day!

Grymt

I can't help feeling magical thinking is an issue. What I mean by that is expecting someone or something to intervene and save the day.

If so perhaps a way to overcome that is to focus on reality. One reality at the moment is you're feeling really bad. That's good. Be aware of that. When you feel better, be aware of that and as you feel the need to booze, or gamble, become aware of exactly what that feels like.

Then there are tried and true ways to face those real feelings in wholesome ways that lead to serenity, rather than again feeling crook, the trick is to actually use those methods and never expect anyone or anything else to come to the rescue.

I'm old now, many years sober, so it's easy for me. To get there I've had to learn patience and a realistic faith that the effort will pay off. Off hand I recommend making your own food, meditate, do yoga and/or exercise everyday and always seek to do things that are wholesome, avoid doing things that are not wholesome and nurture wholesome thoughts.

And always remember the KISS principle: 'Keep It Simple Stupid'. Simple recipes, simple actions and all the time practice being aware of what your true feelings are.

Briansy

Thank you Grymt

ColoradoRocky

Ah, yes, gambling an alcohol...a tough combination for sure. And expensive!

Sounds like you had a rough night and are suffering today.

Maybe it's time to find some people who know how to stay away from drinking.

Hevyn

Briansy - I hope you've had your last alcoholic adventure. You have proven, once again, there is nothing in it for us. It isn't fun, relaxing, joyful, or inspiring. Think of what it has stolen from you. There will never be a good outcome once it's in your system. You've learned this. Please get free of it.

Briansy

- Drank 50 units on Sunday - woke up after the Saturday session expecting I'd "get away with it" and be able to go on my planned morning hike to clear my head. No chance. My head was pounding, I thew up and then I went to get two bottles of wine.

- It took me two bottles to get back to an even vaguely normal state. But I was out of it and feeling horribly dehydrated and emotions were all over the place - mainly anger.

- I threw up again after the first two bottles before going to the shop again for another 2 more. Plus a sh!tty oven pizza and a twix.

- I put a number of loose instagram comments on people's accounts - supposed to be funny but will have sounded a bit manic. Talked crap to people on text including to one friend who I got very angry at. Effectively went off at him. I was properly in a rage at this point.

- I passed out probably at about 7 or 8 o'clock - but not before I went to the off licence mid-black out to buy another bottle and 6 cans of lager. Looks like I drank two cans and most of the bottle. Who knows what I did or said during that blackout. As I have a habit of deleting texts after sending.

- I woke up to a voice note from my friend who I had unleashed at. I deleted it as I couldn't bring myself to hear what he had to say. it was around 6AM Monday morning. It took me two hours to get out of bed. I had made up something the day before about working form home. I was violently ill and had ripped open my stomach the day before with all the vommiting and drinking on an empty stomach.

- I looked in the mirror, red face, horrible dark red acne breakout in my forehead, yellow, sunken eyes. I was in a panic. Feeling utterly wretched with nausea to add to the hot and cold flashes and profuse sweating.

- Had a shower and tried to gather myself and eat lunch. Managed a few bites and chucked away the rest.

- The rest of the day was spent in self-flagellation. Remorse, shame, beating myself up. And all the physical stuff to go with the mental anguish. I eventually took a double dose of sleeping meds and semi-knocked myself out. I went in to a sort of stupor for 9 hours which was not sleep - but hard to stay fully conscious with that amount of sleeping aids. I got up to get water about 20 times. Changed my sleeping clothes a couple of times cos of sweating.

- Woke up today full of fear for the day ahead. My business partner is in fine form which is a huge relief. I am "faking it" well. Lying, pretending to work, waiting for the day to end although it is a big improvement on how I felt yesterday. I know this physical and mental feeling will subside and I'll be back on something of an even keel by the end of the week. And the rawness of yesterday will fade.

- Every now and then my friend pops into my head - the guy I went off at. Think he's a bit of a toxic friend so not massively keen on engaging with him even though I am totally in the wrong. Will leave that one a few days - but I'll have to explain and tell the truth. Not sure if I trust him enough to do that.

- All of this because my brain convinces me I can "get away with it". That this stressed or anxious state I'm in can be released and "reset". That's the nonsense I need to get past.

Is this a bit too much?! Not sure if I am exposing myself a little here...

Obladi

Not too much at all. From my experience, exposing the ugly stuff to the light of day is necessary. Besides, now you have something you can print and keep in your wallet and refer to every time you start to think that drinking is an option.

Glad you made it to work today, horribleness aside. My guess is that tomorrow and the following day will be significantly less awful. And that's the time to really start to watch out - your lizard brain will start up again with its incessant need for booze. Don't feed it.

What are you doing (or going to do) in real life to support your sobriety?

O

Briansy

I have a fortuitous run coming up including two weeks off work and three weekends in a row at home with folks and other friends. Lots of reading and posting here, getting out in the fresh air, figuring out strategies for recognising cravings and playing the tape forward. I'll probably read back that post daily and do a daily gratitude list too which I'll text to a friend. I do also intend to get a book on mindfulness to see what all that's about. I don't know, O, I'm gonna do my best.

Zucc36

Maybe try finding a meeting you might like. You don't have to make any commitment, just travel around and find a group you get a good vibe with. There are a couple of people in my home group, that aren't heavily involved with Aa or the program. However, they just like having a place to go once a week with a group of people going through the same things they are.

Hawkeye13

These are all positive and helpful actions B.
I’m glad to see you are back on the wagon and doing the work.

It seems you are a faster learner than I was—I kept retesting drinking in the name of rational moderation. It never worked.

Enjoy your time off and folk n friends!

Briansy

Interestingly, the meetings in Ireland are very different. My main meeting in London(although I went most days) was a Big book study meeting and it just got too much with the strict interpretations and stuff. In Ireland it's more people just shooting the breeze. I found myself getting disillusioned with the politics aspect in London. A bit cliquey and stuff whereas noone really knows me when I go home to Ireland. I may just give it a go.

Briansy

Anyone got any book recommendations?

Obladi

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...endence-5.html (Books on Recovery, Spirituality & Codependence)

dpac414

Best of luck to you, Briansy.

Grymt

Hi Briansy, regarding a book on mindfulness. There are many.

Audio: This is a good introduction to mindfulness meditation:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JHERQ1Mt9_w

Dropsie

I also love the website called Hip Sobriety run my a terrifc woman named Holly, renamed Tempest.

I took the course way after I quite drinking and still got alot from it -- thinks its about 400 BPS now, but totally worth it.

Check it out, even of you don't want to do the course she has a wonderful postive take on sobriety - there is a lot of content there.

I liked Annie Grace's Naked Mind which talks about a lot of wholistic healing methods.

For me it was all about making the decision and never looking back. I made the decision a few times and got over confident etc, but once I realized that one sip was all it takes to start the crazy train, I stopped and never looked back.

Holly talks about Never Quiting the Decision. The thing with me is that I am stubborn, so once I decided with no option of undeciding in my heart (not only my head), I was done. And whenever the thought crossed my mind, the answer was, but I dont drink.

Simple, but not easy. But I drank to excess for almost 40 years, and I got it, so you can get this too my friend, really you can. But you have to take that decision in your soul.

I also recommend two crazy things, if you get a craving, try spinning around a few times, it really helped me. And if that does not work, before you drink, post on here of course or call a sober buddy, but I also would watch Bob Newhart's "Just Stop It" -- somehow the insanity of it all captured in that 4 minutes is enough to make me realize that following my same pattern is definitely not a good idea.

Good to have you back.

PS I would aplogize to your friend, but I would not confess to him or anyone at work, especially not as this is your last time....