Obladi

Sass, are you still reading? Please spill your guts here or start a new thread to do that. I appreciate that you're mentioning it when posting elsewhere, but think you could use a Full-blown Sassy-based Vent.

Same goes for you, bimini!

Hawkeye13

I see some very positive steps and responses here O.

Truly proud of your actions and boundary-setting with eldest. Not easy, but methinks good for both of you.

Could this woman maybe be a FTF “friend” at least for now so you can get out and meet for coffee, lunch, or something vaguely recreational? I know I really need someone like that in my life even if it isn’t deep confession but more just banter with dips in the more serious stuff we swim in here on SR.

We’re apes, and having people look at us, and listen and read / give us facial expressions and other proximity communicative pragmatics is actually part of our wellbeing programming.

Whatcha think?

Obladi

This woman called out sick tonight, which worries me given her man friend just got out of rehab. I hope to see her Friday. But yeah, I'd like to hang out with her.

Obladi

There was a new woman at IOP last night that talked about her inability to leave the obsession alone. She was desperate for ideas about how to do that. Another woman gave a long answer that was centered on how it happened to her rather than how the new woman could do it. Second woman experienced her bottom and found God. I think not helpful to new woman who continues to find new bottoms. Another guy talked about being more aware this time of when he begins to slip in his commitment to sobriety. Again, probably not helpful to new woman who doesn't have sobriety yet. But she does have a willingness to do something and that's a start. I feel for her. Addiction sucks, man.

I asked the guy who is going to pay attention to his own behaviors what he is going to do about it. Because my experience has been that once I started displaying those warning signs, I was already gone. (broster,) I changed that from current to past tense with deference to my AVRT education. And that leads me to the simple and forgone conclusion that any thought or feeling that supports the idea of future drinking is the addictive voice speaking on behalf of the beast. Which I knew, because it's oft-repeated and I get that. Where I think I've fallen short is in not absorbing the gravity of those beastly inclinations. I know the proper response upon recognition is casual dismissiveness, but out of laziness (AV) or denial (AV), I haven't had the proper perspective that this is life and death stuff.

Am I making sense? Hope so, cuz I gotta get myself to work!

Fusion

Yes, O, you’re completely making sense. The drive for alcohol (the Beast) will quite literally take a person down into a tragic alcoholic death, down into the ground. I realised this after I relapsed after two and a half years. It was as though I was possessed. What I did wrong, was fighting with it, arguing. When I should’ve, simply, ignored it. As I did when I saved my life, the first time.

Not making that mistake again. If the Beast’s Voice Piece, the AV, speaks up, it’s a deft mental ignoring, or if I’m feeling belligerent, a swift kick into the kerb.

dwtbd

a la 1984 , Tats aka Big Sister
"Belligerence is Peace" , so much what we think is counter-intuitive, until it isn't

Obladi

Eldest is late with this month's rent. She reports that she is applying for jobs in her field of interest and is thinking that it should be ok to get a distribution from her trust fund to tide her over because she's in school. As both her mom and the trustee, I am in the non-enviable position of responding to that claim. Well I guess maybe as the trustee and not the mom it may not be as difficult.

As her mom, I'm thinking "You should've been applying anywhere and everywhere for the last couple of months. Ok I get that these last couple of months have been hell, so ok. But you should be applying anywhere and everywhere now. If you get a job in your chosen field, great - but this is no time to be choosy."

As the trustee, I have an obligation to see that her educational needs are met as best as I can given the resources available.

So so so. Balancing being the mom and the trustee, I'm inclined to say the trust will pay (directly) for 2-3 months' rent provided that she maintain her good standing in class. This would cover her through the current course of education and allow her to get back on her feet. But it would still require that she find gainful employment so she can continue to buy food, put gas in her car, and pay utilities.

Ugh.

What do you guys think?

Fusion

Me? As the trustee of a trust fund, the mom hat should be taken off.

Obladi

It occurred to me the other evening that I don't have those regular intrusive thoughts I used to experience throughout the day. The thought of drinking still pops up, but not in the same way and with much less frequency. Used to be I'd get on the elevator at work after some frustrating conversation and think, "In x hours, I can drink." Or I'd be driving home considering whether to stop at the liquor store and if so, which one it would be. Or I'd be sitting on my couch on a Sunday deliberating for hours upon hours whether I'd drive up to the next county for booze because the stores in my county were closed.

Providence or luck or the universe or my guardian angel or my conscience must've been on my side in leading me to think then about how to be prepared for the expected but surprise beast dealings. While I recognize clearly that my continued choice to not drink is completely mine, I think reading Non's post might have been a tasty treat for the beast had I not already been thinking about this stuff.

I'm working from home today for the just the second time since detox. It's really nice (and a little odd) to be doing so without obsessing over past or potential future drinking.

I'll take it.

Obladi

I think I did take off the mom hat?

Maybe not entirely, because the trustee said last night, "Ok, get back to me with what you need." It's mom that's thinking three months' rent would be a good distribution. But if she asked her mom what she thought she should ask the trustee for, I think that's what her mom would advise.

It's complicated.

Fusion

I know it’s complicated for you, O. But I understood you are both her mom and the trust fund trustee? In which case, technically, you should be acting (making decisions regarding the use of the funds) as an independent trustee, and not her mom. That is, discarding entirely the mom hat, and allowing the trustee to make the decision, perhaps?

That’s all I meant, because your original post mentioned your stance as a mom, which shouldn’t enter the decision making process, because ordinarily, a mom could possibly be viewed as attempting to over-step and influence a trustee.

Therefore I believe you should act as though you are an independent trustee. Maybe it’s just me and my legal background in the U.K.

Obladi

No worries.

The thing is that I am the trustee because I'm her mom and because my former employer who set up the trust granted me the discretionary power to define what is and isn't an educational expense. That is the purpose for which the trust was established, although it does allow for medical expenses as well.

I think I'm good with my decision.

Cosima11

Those are some tough calls with eldest O. I guess I'd say give her the chance with school, that's totally reasonable as both her mom and the trustee.. Having a housing crisis in the middle of a semester is not conducive to staying on track academically.

But truthfully I'd also say she probably knew if push came to shove she'd be able to extract more money from the trust, and this may have contributed to the lack of urgency with which she's searched for a job.

I think making it clear (which it sounds like you're already doing) that the safety she has will only be there to help if she's actively helping herself is the right way to go.

Obladi

Yup, Cosima. All of what you say is true. I did take care of this and next month's rent yesterday at her behalf. Wrote checks to her landlord and mailed them directly. Eldest had no argument about any of that, which reassures me she is on the right track. Had she questioned why I wouldn't just give her the money, it would've been a different story. This morning she reported that she's on her 6th day without alcohol. A quiet strain of hope rises...

I "graduated" IOP last night. As is customary, I was invited to reflect on my experience there and give advice to the group. Bottom line - I'm taking this more seriously than ever before (although I thought I was sincere previously), staying sober is in some ways more difficult than anyone can tell you it is, and I'm more worried about maintaining sobriety than I was when I first walked through those doors three years ago.

Apparently, that's some sort of progress.

The woman who missed group on Tuesday was there last night and we exchanged numbers. I told her which weekly group I'd be in and she said, "Oh good, I'll pick that one too then." It's nice to be liked.

Obladi

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

This is a good one. I could and have gotten all caught up in brain chatter:

How is being entirely ready different from being entirely willing? I can be entirely ready to being entirely willing to be ready. Is it really "God" doing the removing if I'm the one who has to do the work? Who/what is this "God" anyway? Perhaps I need to come up with a name for this "God" before I proceed. Hey, some of my defects are also my assets. Hey, some people don't even get past Step 4 for a year or more - maybe I'm moving too fast, maybe this is proof of my self-centered ego and competitiveness. Hold up! We've strayed pretty far from the simple statement that I will never drink again and I will never change my mind.

Sheesh. Clearly, my biggest defect is laziness. I can in turns sit or lay on my couch and ruminate and procrastinate and numb myself with endless video streaming until the day I die. "Well," I say, "at least I'm not drinking." As if that's not good enough.

You know what? Screw it. I got out of the house yesterday. Spent time with eldest. Went to a meeting. I'm going to be on time to work today and I'm going to work hard. I'll go see my therapist. I have plans to go to another meeting and dinner tonight. None of these things were even remotely possible 70 days ago.

Yeah, it whispers almost inaudibly, go on just getting along. See where that gets you.

Shuuuuuut Uppppp, already!

Hawkeye13

I’m lazy too O.

I also justify my procrastination with “at least I’m not drinking”.

I want more from myself beyond complacent isolation and last-minute mediocrity.

I know it links to rediscovering and nurturing the dormant and nearly-hopeless creative Self lying in the dark room at the back of my mind with curtains pulled staring out into the darkness motionless.

She only got out, was shook from her stupor and into motion by a binge.

I think maybe that sad Soul is my Beast, and she requires my tender support—not my censure , hate, and blame.

But where and how to begin my Life again?

Dropsie

Checking in with my friends -- how is things?

Stayingsassy

Haha, I just read that you thought I needed a sassy based vent, but I didn’t even read that before doing just that, last night.

There are times in sobriety when it doesn’t feel like it’s been years. It feels like I’m fighting it all over again.

But the truth is the same, and my problem is no different than the newcomer’s problem other than the blessing of a daily habit starting to get etched in stone.

If you and I started drinking again today, I’d wager we would be drinking the same amount, in the same way, skipping work, avoiding people, buying and drinking large quantities of booze to drink alone at home with no regard to time of day.

The years seem meaningless to me, other than getting enough time away to resist easier, and laying down tracks in the brain that don’t involve drinking.

The only point is to not drink today.

Obladi

Full of irritability over here, Drops. Almost constant headache. I'll aim to post more in the morning. How are you getting on?

Sass, I saw you did just that last night, and I'm glad for it. You're right about the landscape should either of us take up drinking again. Though I think of it from time to time, it's really unthinkable.

Job One remains to not drink no matter what.

Obladi

Nice to see you, my Flipsy friend. Looking forward to hearing from you as well when you're ready.

Home this morning to have new internet connected. (Whoops, just occurred to me I'll need to switch to mobile hotspot while that's happening. Oh the inconveniences of modern life.) It's one of those things I've been meaning to do for literally years because I know I've been paying too much, but nothing happened until I happened to be working from home last week and a salesguy happened to knock on my door and I happened to choose to answer it. Procrastination at its finest!

"Restore us to sanity" - ha! I've found myself restored to a place I've been before drinking and it's a vivid illustration of what drinking did for me. I'm living in this world that's alternately mostly dull nothingness or filled with stress, irritation and discontentment.

(Ensuing paragraph can easily be skipped by the hasty reader - it's pure rant: )
There's a project at work that I asked one of the analysts to divvy up amongst the team and I have not been able to get to my share because of a constant stream of tasks to manage coming across my plate. I've been completely up-front about not getting to this project and had every intention of doing so. My manager asked me yesterday if I'd done that work yet and I responded, "No, but Susie asked me for more work the other day, so I asked her to work on it." Manager was not pleased. "We decided to split the work up among the team and it's not fair to the team that you haven't done your share." (Internal diatribe launches: Ok, so first of all, I'm the one who decided it should be done that way; I could have and should have exempted myself. Secondly, I've got plenty work of "my own" to get done. Third, I am your project leader and am responsible for delegating work so that it gets done timely. Oh and also, this task is no more taxing/complex than anything else I have to take care of. Lastly, this analyst asked me for work! Seems that you think I'm shirking though you've assured me I'm not, so I guess the point of me doing this particular task is to make a point about "fairness." Fine.) So I said to manager, "Ok, I'll sift through my tasks to see what I can give to Susie so that I can work on this other task." (Fuming silently at being dealt some sort of schoolchild lesson in "fairness" and the amount of time it will take me to organize - instead of doing - the undone work so that I can delegate that instead of doing it so that I can do this other work. Irritated that her status of manager exempts her from doing this work - which is fine - but my role as project lead doesn't. Even though I'm working fewer hours and had a long discussion with her about removing myself from a number of other projects because I'm stretched too thin. She doesn't seem to understand that those other projects continue to take the same amount of time from me because although we talked about someone else doing them nothing else has actually happened because delegating those is beyond my control. (In fairness, she did ask me what she personally might be able to take off my plate temporarily and I declined her offer because I don't think it's right that she should be doing my job.)

And this is just one irritation in my new sober life. Small wonder my 4th step inventory highlights pride, control and ego.

In the good old days, I discovered that alcohol "restored me to sanity." Sure, I'd get irritated, but could always look forward to my escape into the bottle. And as time went by, I eventually didn't become irritated at all with any of this external nonsense. It was all folded into the grey nothingness of my life. (Did anyone ever read "The Phantom Tollbooth?" I always see that illustration of The Doldrums when I think of that place I inhabited.) So now. Now, I'm back to existence without drinking and I have to learn how to navigate all of this stuff I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to navigate before.

I'm well aware that these are early days and my nerves are raw, that removing alcohol didn't promise a solution for any other thing aside from addiction, that I was in a pretty desperate state before I stopped. Rationally, I get it. But it ain't easy. In fact, it's frickin hard.

Still, I won't drink.