entropy1964

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen

O how goes it? Didn't see a check in today? Hope that means you are just busy and sick of checking in. It happens.

And thanks for all the well wishes. I could whine and complain but I think I've done that enough! Home recouping with my cute puppy and angry kitty. Puppy is sad...no walks. But hopefully tomorrow.

Dropsie

Flips,

How did it go? Glad you are home!

x

Obladi

There is no limit to whining and complaining, here, Flips! There is no additional fee or penalty so go on with your pitiful self.

Yeah, I am getting a bit tired of the drill, but I didn't check in this morning because I got my times all mixed up and thought I was going to be late for my therapy appointment. Instead I was 40 minutes early so took a very pleasant walk to a neighborhood bakery.

Everything is fine. Exactly how it should be, right? It is what it is and all that.

Hawkeye13

Good to see all of you

dwtbd

Nothing like being there for a pleasant walk to a neighborhood bakery, nothing like it

entropy1964

Well I'm glad I haven't used all my whiny points...but everything went fine. I'm pretty sure they dropped me in the OR tho because my neck feels like I went to a 3 day death metal festival. But other than that I'm fine this morning. Gonna take the puppy for a long walk today as my start back to normal activity. I'm not supposed to lift anything which isn't a problem because I rarely do

Had the most vivid dreams about my Mom last night....which never happens. She was as she is right now, but she had some kind of 'come back' and we were driving...she was driving me. And then all the sudden she forgot how to drive and I got her to pull over. We got out of the car and she started having a heart attack or something. It was terrifying and in color and vivid. Yucky. Then I was at a wedding or something, with a date, and I was younger but not, and he was really drunk. So weird. Dreaming sucks. Why can't we choose our dreams? Imagine what that could do for mental health. Of course we would never want to wake up so there's that. Yeah, ok bad idea.

Hope the bakery had something yummy. And I've been eating crap for 3 days. That stops now. And I'm my daughters ATM and I'm tired of it. So there's that. haha. Have a great day peeps.

Obladi

(((broster)))

Flips, I'm glad things went well and hope your neck pains have worked themselves out. When I was a young child, I was able to get myself back to my same favorite dream on a fairly regular basis. It was really neat. I've tried to do the same in adulthood, but it hasn't worked again thus far. I think maybe if I concentrated hard enough and let go enough, it could happen again.

Feeling pretty blah still. This is to be expected as I've been here before. It'll be ok; I just need to ride it out. And ride I will.

Redmayne

You should never regret growing older, it's a privilege denied to many.

Obladi

Good morning!
Had a really good night's sleep. I'm not due in to work until 10am, so I woke up naturally with no alarm. Ahhhhh

Like broster, my therapist gently reminded me to notice the little patches of color in my grey landscape. As we were talking, he realized that he'd made an assumption that these good moments were a replacement for the drinking. He said "That's not true - you really did lose something." Just having him acknowledge that truth was reaffirming. It feels like the expectation is that I'll put on a brave face and pollyanna my way through this. Fake it til you make it and all that. Well, ignoring the shadows has not served me well in the past, so I'm deliberately noticing them. It's hard because I hardly have the words to adequately express how I'm feeling and I'm very self-conscious about it. I have this fear that I'm being overly self-indulgent...

The counselor at IOP asked me last night what the best moment of my day was. I told him it was sleeping until 9:15. Now I think the "right" answer was that I woke up sober. I'm not sorry about that at all, and I'm grateful for it, but it's not bringing me the joy that other people express. Not drinking is simply the right thing to do, it's not something I congratulate myself for.

This all sounds kind of gloomy, but I'm alright. I just don't want to pretend, to perform to what I perceive as others' expectations. This is just how it is right now.

How's everyone else?

Obladi

Anxiety attack started up tonight at the same time IOP did. I've really no idea why. It's subsiding now...

The counselor at IOP who knows me from before asked me to talk in group about AVRT concepts. So I gave them a three minute overview. That was pretty neat and also hit home with at least a few people. One guy clarified, "So the beast doesn't have any power?" I said, "Right - it can't do anything. You're the one with the power." He slapped his knee and broke into a huge grin. Like he was so pleased he couldn't speak! Neat.

My boss told me today that one of the folks on our team had given her notice. She wanted me to help plan resources but prefaced the discussion with, "Please don't think I'm saying you need to come back full time because of this - I want you to take care of yourself. You do you." That was really nice and also funny because I've never used that phrase on her. It immediately brought you to mind, Tatsy.

Hawkeye13

Hi all

Just checking in. I’m doing well besides procrastinating work stuff.

How you recovering Flips? How is everyone else?

entropy1964

I'm good Hawk. Thanks for asking!

Dropsie

I am also good, nice w/e at home and then heading to NYC for the week.

Then I am really looking froward to a few weeks at home before another three crazy travel weeks.

I am turning 60 in November, which was freaking me out a bit, but have decided that accept I must.

XXX from rainy Belgium

Fusion

Drops, you do you! What’s an age, just a number, so 60 can be the new 40 or 50, you get to decide. Having said that, many folks don’t achieve any of those decades. Darn it, I’m sounding maudlin now, wasn’t my intention. Let’s celebrate your birthday on November!

2ndhandrose

hahaha, I turned 60 in February, I'm still bragging about it!

I consider it quite an accomplishment to have made it this far

congratulations in advance, Dropsie!

FindingMyNext

Hi everyone! I'm just checking in to say I read from SR (and this thread) every night and feel like I'm checking in with friends. Thanks for all the updates and positivity, and for the raw honesty (lookin' at you, O!). I'm at Day 841 and this place keeps me accountable and feeling like I'm not ever alone... we're all navigating life's crap, but the only thing to do is keep going, right? Without alcohol.

Rooting for (and with!) you all!

Obladi

Hey,

Thanks for all the check-ins.

That chest-pressure anxiety stuck with me all day and night yesterday. I woke this morning with a horrible headache and thought, "I'll take this over the anxiety any day. "

Best I can figure, this is all beast activity reated to the looming two-month mark. It's not winning because I'm not fighting. It can try to scare me but that's too bad. I'm just going to have to sit through it. Nothing else matters at the moment.

Well. Aside from maybe cookies.

fini

"It's not winning because I'm not fighting."
this is always such an interesting thing....it seemed to me so counter-intuitive for so long. that whole set-up of "fight with everything you've got" and then the "don't engage in battle".
true for many areas.

Obladi

Beginner's meeting last night. We read a chapter describing the different types of AA meetings. Good, because there were some very new folks in the room. Time came to share and every person spoke about doing 90 meetings in the first 90 days, how they absolutely love meetings and always get something out of them, and so on. My time came to share when there was like one minute left, so I passed. I maybe woulda said that I may be the personification of self will run riot, but these informal rules feel like a lot of pressure to me. When I decide to go a day without a meeting, I feel something akin to the guilt I used to feel skipping mass I don't always get something out of a meeting. Well, at least not always something positive. I feel rebellious just typing that, and it kind of ticks me off. Like I'm having a polite but stubborn argument in my head with that guy who was exhorting me to read the Chapter to the Agnostics a few times.

I should've spoken up. What I was going to say was, "I may be something a heretic, but I find answers to this problem of mine in any number of approaches, and I don't think 90 in 90 is the only answer. I'm really glad for those of you for whom it does, but I'm also resisting the urge to feel like I'm "less than" because that obligation and guilt stuff doesn't work for me." Honestly, I wouldn't have thought of that last sentence, but that's the crux of what I was feeling. And I feel like that's okay. Nobody in that room was being bombastic; I wasn't feeling threatened at all. I was just resisting that feeling of righteous Not Wrong-ness.

Sponsor invited me to go to eat after the meeting, but I just wanted to go home and climb into bed. So I did that and barely felt bad about that. (Convincing myself that I'm a grown woman and it's fine to say no...)

That all sounds very angsty, but it's not the way I'm feeling. I'm feeling like I need to be willing and open, I need to do hard things, and I need to be true to myself. Swimming zigzag in a river of salmon. It might be harder, but I'll get to my destination.

Haven't had a drink today, so I'm already there.

Physically: Sweaty! It's only 67* but it's so muggy. Blech.
Mentally: Good, feel like I've got it together - nothing nagging at the edges of my "need to remember" consciousness.
Emotionally: Stressed, but feeling better for having said so - to you, to the nice woman who asked the other day, to Daniel. This "sitting with it" ain't all bad even though it is uncomfortable. Sort of like a sauna.

Hawkeye13

Sounds like you are finding places to stand up for yourself. You know, sometimes we have to set boundaries internally so we don’t get railroaded into unwanted action or inaction by sneaky emotional impulses like guilt, fear, or fear overlaid by anger.

You are doing good. Speak your peace at the next meeting if opportunity presents.