Oh Well Part 2
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
Originally Posted by Obladi 
I have some trouble with the "restore us to sanity" bit because like the "lives had become unmanageable," both phrases implicitly say I've got something in my past to retrieve.
I am super impressed with how organized and on top of everything you are! Lol, when I was newly sober I could barely function! I'm glad you are doing well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
I think we all had a moment when we were "sane" before the world and our parents (often with any malace) changed that. In my case, I think I was sane until my father had his first nervous breakdown after my birth when I was about 7. I would LOVE to be restored to that!
Keepa go!
Keepa go!
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hey, Drops. I agree with you, but that time was so long ago that I hadn't counted it. You make me think twice - maybe I should!
Hi Gal, let me give it a shot...
I think I've believed since a tender age that my life was unmanageable. I didn't know things, didn't comprehend the world, couldn't make things right. Even when I felt like I was managing my life in adulthood, pretty much everything felt imposed or like an act or as if I'd gotten swept along. It's hard to describe, but I think in retrospect that perhaps my life has pretty much been unmanageable because I was trying to control things that were beyond my control. This isn't an attribute that was introduced by excessive drinking, but drinking sure turned out to be a fine panacea.
Unmanageability and insanity are intertwined for me. Not literal insanity, of course, but maladaptive thoughts feed less-than-sane behaviors. Like trying to figure out what I'd missed that everyone else knew about interacting with other people. Like staying a long time with men who were not good to or for me. Like always thinking that I was "less than," and alternately trying to counter that with bravado or succumb to it with self-pity. My reaction to unmanageability was behavior that in retrospect was insane in the colloquial sense. All of this culminated in 'insane' drinking. So to think I'm going to be "restored" to sanity or manageability is reaching for something I never really felt I had. But that's ok; I'm content with believing that I can get to a point where I accept that pretty much everything is innately unmanageable and that my insanity is the natural result of being a garden-variety human.
I'm not sure if that makes things any more clear? I feel like I could write a brilliant essay on this, but the clock is forcing me to get ready for work, so this will have to suffice for now.
Physically: Rested!
Mentally: Prepared for this day.
Emotionally: Peaceful
Hi Gal, let me give it a shot...
I think I've believed since a tender age that my life was unmanageable. I didn't know things, didn't comprehend the world, couldn't make things right. Even when I felt like I was managing my life in adulthood, pretty much everything felt imposed or like an act or as if I'd gotten swept along. It's hard to describe, but I think in retrospect that perhaps my life has pretty much been unmanageable because I was trying to control things that were beyond my control. This isn't an attribute that was introduced by excessive drinking, but drinking sure turned out to be a fine panacea.
Unmanageability and insanity are intertwined for me. Not literal insanity, of course, but maladaptive thoughts feed less-than-sane behaviors. Like trying to figure out what I'd missed that everyone else knew about interacting with other people. Like staying a long time with men who were not good to or for me. Like always thinking that I was "less than," and alternately trying to counter that with bravado or succumb to it with self-pity. My reaction to unmanageability was behavior that in retrospect was insane in the colloquial sense. All of this culminated in 'insane' drinking. So to think I'm going to be "restored" to sanity or manageability is reaching for something I never really felt I had. But that's ok; I'm content with believing that I can get to a point where I accept that pretty much everything is innately unmanageable and that my insanity is the natural result of being a garden-variety human.
I'm not sure if that makes things any more clear? I feel like I could write a brilliant essay on this, but the clock is forcing me to get ready for work, so this will have to suffice for now.
Physically: Rested!
Mentally: Prepared for this day.
Emotionally: Peaceful
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I relate O. I've never had a manageable sense of life....certainly not in childhood. And while I have moments of it now, I think its really just emotional maturity. So I know how to respond and react now. Although I don't always succeed...so I'm learning.
My emotional immaturity also led me to a feeling of less-than-ness, which would be countered with bravado (or fake more than -ness) because I was afraid of seeming 'weak'. Weakness in my family meant you were going to get hurt. Ego maniac with an inferiority complex.
All fear based. And based on a lot of years of observation, of both myself and others (the world), sanity or normalcy seem to be pretty broad concepts. Humans are a very flawed and seemingly insane species.
And I'm just one of the billions.....
My emotional immaturity also led me to a feeling of less-than-ness, which would be countered with bravado (or fake more than -ness) because I was afraid of seeming 'weak'. Weakness in my family meant you were going to get hurt. Ego maniac with an inferiority complex.
All fear based. And based on a lot of years of observation, of both myself and others (the world), sanity or normalcy seem to be pretty broad concepts. Humans are a very flawed and seemingly insane species.
And I'm just one of the billions.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,427
drops, I'm with you. I started putting my mom to "bed" when she would pass out around age 5-6 and honestly I have never really felt safe or that life was really under any of my control most of my life.
I am doing better these days. More mature, more OK with discomfort, more OK with who I am and that I'm trying.
I still like people, but not so sure I want to be around them like Mickey Rourke in Barfly said. . .
I am doing better these days. More mature, more OK with discomfort, more OK with who I am and that I'm trying.
I still like people, but not so sure I want to be around them like Mickey Rourke in Barfly said. . .
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I'm so glad you guys survived to tell the tale. It's hard stuff, that insecurity founded in traumatic and painful life circumstances. Flips, of course there are billions of others, but that doesn't make your experiences any less earth-shaking. I'm not just glad for you all; I'm inspired by and proud of you!
IOP last night after 7.5 hours of work. There were two other new guys there - one is very young and fresh out of rehab. He thinks he'd be much better served by working 5 days/week with his sponsor and doesn't really see the need to be at IOP. I get that. He isn't relating much to what other people have to say and I understand that too - the rest of us are all probably all at least 40 years old and this is his first go-round. May it be the last! The other new guy is completely stymied by the task of changing up his life to stay away from his drug of choice. He's made a career out of arranging his life around his habit and can't seem to even begin to picture it being different. I get that too. Fingers and toes crossed on that one. Anyhow, I mostly just spent my three hours there without much engagement. I dunno - a lot of the talk was focused on significant others and children and you know that's not where my focus is right now. The best part of the night was 5 minutes of meditation at the end.
Short work day today, just 4.5 hours. I'll be working with my trainer at 4. Hopefully the stiffness in my thigh will be mostly resolved by then.
Physically: Really feeling the extra pounds lately. I guess that's to be expected since ditching the anesthetic.
Mentally: Sharper. I've noticed that folks on my team are asking me for help with things and I'm able to come up with responses with little effort that use the whole of my experience. Not so much technical things - they are all better at that than I am - but logic and reasoning things. It's pretty cool.
Emotionally: Dreamed this morning about purchasing and hiding liquor, wondering whether I was actually going to drink through the antabuse. So I think I'm leery - not a bad place to be approaching that (formerly magical) 2-month milestone.
IOP last night after 7.5 hours of work. There were two other new guys there - one is very young and fresh out of rehab. He thinks he'd be much better served by working 5 days/week with his sponsor and doesn't really see the need to be at IOP. I get that. He isn't relating much to what other people have to say and I understand that too - the rest of us are all probably all at least 40 years old and this is his first go-round. May it be the last! The other new guy is completely stymied by the task of changing up his life to stay away from his drug of choice. He's made a career out of arranging his life around his habit and can't seem to even begin to picture it being different. I get that too. Fingers and toes crossed on that one. Anyhow, I mostly just spent my three hours there without much engagement. I dunno - a lot of the talk was focused on significant others and children and you know that's not where my focus is right now. The best part of the night was 5 minutes of meditation at the end.
Short work day today, just 4.5 hours. I'll be working with my trainer at 4. Hopefully the stiffness in my thigh will be mostly resolved by then.
Physically: Really feeling the extra pounds lately. I guess that's to be expected since ditching the anesthetic.
Mentally: Sharper. I've noticed that folks on my team are asking me for help with things and I'm able to come up with responses with little effort that use the whole of my experience. Not so much technical things - they are all better at that than I am - but logic and reasoning things. It's pretty cool.
Emotionally: Dreamed this morning about purchasing and hiding liquor, wondering whether I was actually going to drink through the antabuse. So I think I'm leery - not a bad place to be approaching that (formerly magical) 2-month milestone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Yeah, trauma. Blah. So tired of all of it.
Well the ongoing parent drama. We (my brothers less the one that lives there...apparently he was too busy trimming his nails or something) had a call last night and it appears, again, we are all on the same page to move them into a home. The room we want for them is now available, everyone has gone through their own individual shock about having to put both in memory care, so hopefully we are actually going to move forward. Jesus. This could be 'over' soon...end of October. Over in the sense that they will be safe and cared for by professionals.
Awkward moments as conference began. Brother that was scary to me as a child was on the line, just the 2 of us. We don't talk. Of course, we don't talk about not talking so we have to pretend we don't hate each other. So I'm making small talk, which he is a known hater of, but ya know its what humans do. I asked him about his daughter, who is a doll, and he says , with zero emotion, I don't know how she is I haven't talked to her in 3 years. Well, no surprise there really but really? That poor girl. I remember years ago, on a hell like family trip to Hawaii, she asked me 'tell me something about my dad. Anything. I just don't know him at all'. And I'm thinking, while feeling very sorry for her because I know exactly how she feels, well he's a sociopath. But all I could say was, I don't know. The only thing I know about my dad is he's a crazy alcoholic. And he was born back east so I have basic facts about his childhood. Like his birthday. Anyway, the guy is nuts. He didn't ask me about my daughter, not surprising, but weird. I remember when he met her, when she was like 8, he introduced himself and shook her hand. Yeah. Gonna give her your business card ya freak? She was like, yikes Mom that guy is scary. Tell me about it. Ugh. On the outside, it was fine, but internally, ugh. But that's the deal. On the outside everything is fine, but on the inside my family is rotten. I think I'm rotten too. Especially in 'relation' with them.
I can't wait for the day that I never have to interface with any of them again. And the fact that I even call connecting with them 'interfacing' is very telling. They are my brothers...and I interface with them. Jesus.
And 'this' all ending means my parents are dead. And wishing your parents dead is crazy. I don't wish them dead. I just want it all to be over. I want to never be connected with anything that bears my maiden name.
Yikes. Sorry for all that. So sometime in October I'll be heading back to Cali....going back to Cali Cali Cali....haha. Remember LL Cool J? Anyway, yeah. My theme song. Then some day I'll never have to go again. If there was a God this would have already happened.
Blahhhhhhh.
Have a good day. Sorry about the rant.
Well the ongoing parent drama. We (my brothers less the one that lives there...apparently he was too busy trimming his nails or something) had a call last night and it appears, again, we are all on the same page to move them into a home. The room we want for them is now available, everyone has gone through their own individual shock about having to put both in memory care, so hopefully we are actually going to move forward. Jesus. This could be 'over' soon...end of October. Over in the sense that they will be safe and cared for by professionals.
Awkward moments as conference began. Brother that was scary to me as a child was on the line, just the 2 of us. We don't talk. Of course, we don't talk about not talking so we have to pretend we don't hate each other. So I'm making small talk, which he is a known hater of, but ya know its what humans do. I asked him about his daughter, who is a doll, and he says , with zero emotion, I don't know how she is I haven't talked to her in 3 years. Well, no surprise there really but really? That poor girl. I remember years ago, on a hell like family trip to Hawaii, she asked me 'tell me something about my dad. Anything. I just don't know him at all'. And I'm thinking, while feeling very sorry for her because I know exactly how she feels, well he's a sociopath. But all I could say was, I don't know. The only thing I know about my dad is he's a crazy alcoholic. And he was born back east so I have basic facts about his childhood. Like his birthday. Anyway, the guy is nuts. He didn't ask me about my daughter, not surprising, but weird. I remember when he met her, when she was like 8, he introduced himself and shook her hand. Yeah. Gonna give her your business card ya freak? She was like, yikes Mom that guy is scary. Tell me about it. Ugh. On the outside, it was fine, but internally, ugh. But that's the deal. On the outside everything is fine, but on the inside my family is rotten. I think I'm rotten too. Especially in 'relation' with them.
I can't wait for the day that I never have to interface with any of them again. And the fact that I even call connecting with them 'interfacing' is very telling. They are my brothers...and I interface with them. Jesus.
And 'this' all ending means my parents are dead. And wishing your parents dead is crazy. I don't wish them dead. I just want it all to be over. I want to never be connected with anything that bears my maiden name.
Yikes. Sorry for all that. So sometime in October I'll be heading back to Cali....going back to Cali Cali Cali....haha. Remember LL Cool J? Anyway, yeah. My theme song. Then some day I'll never have to go again. If there was a God this would have already happened.
Blahhhhhhh.
Have a good day. Sorry about the rant.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
i get it, Flips. the not-actively-wishing-them-dead but the dire need to have it be "over".
and then i would berate myself for my lack of patience and compassion, when the fact was that i was burned out with it all.
(interfacing with your brother...oh yay; one of mine wanted to give two of my other siblings a "performance bonus" for the work they did as executors, and thought my concept of a gift(i gave them a few days away at a fancy place) was not acceptable)
relieved to read you and others are on the same page now re care home. its own set of heartaches, for sure.
and then i would berate myself for my lack of patience and compassion, when the fact was that i was burned out with it all.
(interfacing with your brother...oh yay; one of mine wanted to give two of my other siblings a "performance bonus" for the work they did as executors, and thought my concept of a gift(i gave them a few days away at a fancy place) was not acceptable)
relieved to read you and others are on the same page now re care home. its own set of heartaches, for sure.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Oh that's fine, Flips! I've been getting a little tired of looking at my own luggage all the time.
This calls for a check-in from all cast members!
How's everybody doing? Hawk, broster, Dropsie, Rose, Aellyce, Cow, Snazz, fini, Gal, Cos, and lillie too. Who did I forget? Name your current challenge, success, favorite fruit or least favorite vegetable. I will compile it all into an Ageless Ode.
This calls for a check-in from all cast members!
How's everybody doing? Hawk, broster, Dropsie, Rose, Aellyce, Cow, Snazz, fini, Gal, Cos, and lillie too. Who did I forget? Name your current challenge, success, favorite fruit or least favorite vegetable. I will compile it all into an Ageless Ode.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hi O,
hm..my biggest challenge these days is seriously looking for a new place to live.
i have lived in current place 30 years and am mighty sick of it, plus starting to have issues with stairs.
looking at places on the internet is easy and kinda fun, but i have not motivated myself to get off my butt and actually GO AND SEE in real life.
partly, i have an excuse, as it will involve a ferry, travel, staying overnight, taking the dog, blahblahblah.
well aware it is a nice life if this is the problem.
hm..my biggest challenge these days is seriously looking for a new place to live.
i have lived in current place 30 years and am mighty sick of it, plus starting to have issues with stairs.
looking at places on the internet is easy and kinda fun, but i have not motivated myself to get off my butt and actually GO AND SEE in real life.
partly, i have an excuse, as it will involve a ferry, travel, staying overnight, taking the dog, blahblahblah.
well aware it is a nice life if this is the problem.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Flips, I'm hoping that perhaps this will be your last trip to deal with the parents moving thang. I know how hard this is on you and fully understand your desire to be done with it. I think there are lots and lots of people who only "interface" with their siblings. With many of my sibs, I do much less than that. Fortunately, my mother is in reasonably good health and is pretty fiercely independent. She will decide when she needs go to assisted living, and it's likely that only my youngest sister, uncle and I will be involved with that. Family dynamics, what a trip.
Tats, you didn't say how it goes aside from your AV being affronted at being left out. Good recognition technique, there. If it makes you feel any better, I also left Sass out in my roll call (but didn't mean to!).
fini, what sort of living arrangement are you looking for? Maybe you could plan for a sort of vacation/looking excursion that would include fun for you and the pup? I love a good ferry ride - sounds fun to me!
I think I already said that I filed paperwork to extend partial disability until the end of November, though I don't think it will really be that long. I'm wondering if my boss was notified because I got an email from her late yesterday afternoon asking for a work status report. Or maybe she emailed because I said on the way out at 1pm yesterday that I was going to the gym? Maybe she thinks I'm milking the system? I'm not doing enough? Or maybe she just noticed that I haven't done a status report since returning to work (and I'm supposed to do it weekly). Maybe my director is thinking my boss doesn't "need" me.
Maybe I'm just paranoid, given that she just gave me an "exceeds expectations" annual review. It's probably that, but I will ask her today if there is anything she is concerned about. Oy vey.
I'm saying to myself, "I work hard. I'm doing a good job. I provide value. I am really striving for a good work-life balance and it's ok to work 30 hours while I'm in treatment and meetings for 15 hours/week." But still I have that little nagging "not enough" feeling.
Ack.
My trainer had me do mainly upper body exercises yesterday. It was hard, but I made it through. She also had me walk on an incline on what she calls the "deadmill." It's a treadmill that has a tension setting and the band moves only based on the walker's power. The good news is that seemed to work out the kinks I had left in my thigh. I really didn't want to go, toyed with canceling, but I'm glad I did. My homework is two 20-30 minute walks before Saturday. I can do that!
Work 12-430 today, then IOP. I'm really hoping that guy who was worried he couldn't make it through Wed sober is there. It's funny but cool how we can form (identify) these seemingly random connections. Reminds me that I encountered a mama deer and her two young ones the other day, and we just stood calmly looking at each other while her children continued to graze. To me, these are small but not inconsequential pieces of evidence that the universe is all interconnected in some kind of way.
Physically: Good, rested. Nothing hurts. I've been hovering around 21 pounds lost since March and think it might finally be sticking.
Mentally: Mainly focused, but still giving too much time/attention to mindless streaming.
Emotionally: Still dealing with insecurity/anxiety (obviously), but depression is at bay.
Tats, you didn't say how it goes aside from your AV being affronted at being left out. Good recognition technique, there.
If it makes you feel any better, I also left Sass out in my roll call (but didn't mean to!).fini, what sort of living arrangement are you looking for? Maybe you could plan for a sort of vacation/looking excursion that would include fun for you and the pup? I love a good ferry ride - sounds fun to me!
I think I already said that I filed paperwork to extend partial disability until the end of November, though I don't think it will really be that long. I'm wondering if my boss was notified because I got an email from her late yesterday afternoon asking for a work status report. Or maybe she emailed because I said on the way out at 1pm yesterday that I was going to the gym? Maybe she thinks I'm milking the system? I'm not doing enough? Or maybe she just noticed that I haven't done a status report since returning to work (and I'm supposed to do it weekly). Maybe my director is thinking my boss doesn't "need" me.
Maybe I'm just paranoid, given that she just gave me an "exceeds expectations" annual review. It's probably that, but I will ask her today if there is anything she is concerned about. Oy vey.
I'm saying to myself, "I work hard. I'm doing a good job. I provide value. I am really striving for a good work-life balance and it's ok to work 30 hours while I'm in treatment and meetings for 15 hours/week." But still I have that little nagging "not enough" feeling.
Ack.
My trainer had me do mainly upper body exercises yesterday. It was hard, but I made it through. She also had me walk on an incline on what she calls the "deadmill." It's a treadmill that has a tension setting and the band moves only based on the walker's power. The good news is that seemed to work out the kinks I had left in my thigh. I really didn't want to go, toyed with canceling, but I'm glad I did. My homework is two 20-30 minute walks before Saturday. I can do that!
Work 12-430 today, then IOP. I'm really hoping that guy who was worried he couldn't make it through Wed sober is there. It's funny but cool how we can form (identify) these seemingly random connections. Reminds me that I encountered a mama deer and her two young ones the other day, and we just stood calmly looking at each other while her children continued to graze. To me, these are small but not inconsequential pieces of evidence that the universe is all interconnected in some kind of way.
Physically: Good, rested. Nothing hurts.
I've been hovering around 21 pounds lost since March and think it might finally be sticking.Mentally: Mainly focused, but still giving too much time/attention to mindless streaming.
Emotionally: Still dealing with insecurity/anxiety (obviously), but depression is at bay.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
yeah, i love ferry rides, too. and yes i could plan a mini vacation/excursion trip like that....my challenge, which i am failing at, is that i am NOT planning it, not getting myself to do it.
i want to move but don't.
i'd have to start all over again with making new connections.
blahblahblah.
you have a lot of "maybes" in your conjectures about the boss...maybe asking will help get rid of those uncertainties.
i want to move but don't.
i'd have to start all over again with making new connections.
blahblahblah.
you have a lot of "maybes" in your conjectures about the boss...maybe asking will help get rid of those uncertainties.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
I was jesting, O. But my AV, nope, it did kick in and suggest a drink. What an insecure loser my AV is. Me? Transformation in progress, yet it’s so difficult, and the AV constantly suggests a drink, to numb my thoughts of inadequacy. Yuck.
Wow, what an accolade from your boss, O!
Wow, what an accolade from your boss, O!
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
O, I think I heard my name called
I am doing well for the most part. I keep my sobriety front and center, hence my daily visits to SR, my arthritis is mostly under control, except for the persistant fatigue
, from the medication or the disease, I am not sure which. But, it could be so much worse and I am grateful it's not!
I lost a beloved friend to endometrial cancer earlier this year so I am still grieving her loss. She was a beautiful person, full of love for God and for everyone in her path. I only knew her for not quite 2 years and had I not stopped drinking we never would have crossed paths.
I am happy to read your updates, O, and I champion you on every day!
I am doing well for the most part. I keep my sobriety front and center, hence my daily visits to SR, my arthritis is mostly under control, except for the persistant fatigue
, from the medication or the disease, I am not sure which. But, it could be so much worse and I am grateful it's not!I lost a beloved friend to endometrial cancer earlier this year so I am still grieving her loss. She was a beautiful person, full of love for God and for everyone in her path. I only knew her for not quite 2 years and had I not stopped drinking we never would have crossed paths.
I am happy to read your updates, O, and I champion you on every day!
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I'm so sorry for your loss, Rose, but also so happy that you were in a place to have such a wonderful friend. Persistent fatigue could be due to so many things; I trust you and your doctor will work it out. I'm glad that the arthritis is under control; that must be a relief. Thanks for your championing from the sidelines - it's good just to know you're here doing your own sober thing.
fini, I knew it was a lot of "maybes," that's why I went on about it. That was crap my brain threw at me in a split second but it took me a few minutes of writing to figure out the right thing to do was ask! So I did, first thing, asked my boss if there was anything to be concerned about that she'd asked for a report. She said matter-of-factly, "Well, you haven't filled out a status report for three weeks." I laughed, and said, "I know." Ah, me.
Maybe if you can't get to planning an excursion, maybe you could make a plan to plan it? Just a suggestion from a fellow procrastinator. What gets you motivated?
Yup, yup, Tats. I get it, as you can see. It's so good to see you in charge again.
The guy who was worried about getting through Wednesday without using was there last night. I shook his hand and told him I was glad he made it. He said, "You told me there were no excuses." I responded, "I did not! I said that all of my reasons for drinking were excuses." He said, "You did. But I heard it and it really resonated with me." During the third hour, we listened to a couple of speakers who basically recounted their drugalogues and talked about how NA had saved them. Don't get me wrong, I was happy for them, but nothing they said really provoked any new insight for me. I said as much to the guy as we were walking to the parking structure, and he said "Same. I get a lot more from the group than I did from that."
I'm feeling a lot more kind than I was when wrapped up in addiction. What a splendid reward.
Physically: Clean.
Mentally: Balanced.
Emotionally: Safe
fini, I knew it was a lot of "maybes," that's why I went on about it. That was crap my brain threw at me in a split second but it took me a few minutes of writing to figure out the right thing to do was ask! So I did, first thing, asked my boss if there was anything to be concerned about that she'd asked for a report. She said matter-of-factly, "Well, you haven't filled out a status report for three weeks." I laughed, and said, "I know." Ah, me.
Maybe if you can't get to planning an excursion, maybe you could make a plan to plan it? Just a suggestion from a fellow procrastinator. What gets you motivated?
Yup, yup, Tats. I get it, as you can see.
It's so good to see you in charge again. The guy who was worried about getting through Wednesday without using was there last night. I shook his hand and told him I was glad he made it. He said, "You told me there were no excuses." I responded, "I did not! I said that all of my reasons for drinking were excuses." He said, "You did. But I heard it and it really resonated with me." During the third hour, we listened to a couple of speakers who basically recounted their drugalogues and talked about how NA had saved them. Don't get me wrong, I was happy for them, but nothing they said really provoked any new insight for me. I said as much to the guy as we were walking to the parking structure, and he said "Same. I get a lot more from the group than I did from that."
I'm feeling a lot more kind than I was when wrapped up in addiction. What a splendid reward.
Physically: Clean.
Mentally: Balanced.
Emotionally: Safe
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,427
Checking in as suggested O
At the lake since yesterday. I found out I should be getting a promotion and new title so will be top level in my job as this line is new and I applied in the first wave. Obviously, I would never have made it had I not gotten sober in 2012. I have relapsed, but never for long and each time improved my sobriety plan.
Never quit quitting, right?
That feels very good and I am happy to get some formal recognition by my admin after many years of no track forwards. Ironically, just in time to retire, but I will get this year and next. I helped create the line so it will be a bit of a legacy to leave behind for others which feels good too.
I had a craving last week mostly from habit and being in this recreational area with ability to sleep in if I had wanted. But it was relatively easy to overcome when I noticed and identified it directly.
Keto is helping many things as I talked about on Sassy’s thread. My knee joints are much better these past few days as they were really painful the past few weeks. I think I was detoxing oxalate which looks a lot like gout.
I am eating pretty freely and not hurrying the weight loss, but it continues an overall downward trend of about a pound a week. Some weeks are stall or I even gain a bit, but after that I lose more quickly and more weight.
The mental peace is the best thing. I am not anxious about eating or being driven by cravings. I’m starting to drop a meal a day just because I don’t want food because body has plenty to draw on.
I think my self-esteem is still driven somewhat by body image. So as this pattern of eating becomes more default normal, like sobriety does for me at about 3 months, I feel better about myself because I am turning a behavior change into a habit.
I’ve put sugar and carb addiction into a similar category to alcohol addiction. All are damaging to my physical vehicle even if my mind fixates on them. Given time and adaptation, I can associate positive actions with food like I have with not drinking.
A craving for a drink means permission to get to a yoga class or take a hike in Nature. At night, I watch something for fun, take a shower, make tea or go to bed early for extra sleep. I support myself in feeling vulnerable.
I’m trying to do the same with sugar and carbs. I can feed my heart and mind in other, richer ways than emotional eating. Physically my heat tolerance and stamina are already better, as are my breathing and sleep cycles.
It has been totally worth the months it has taken to really truly get off the sugar relapses and actually fat-adapted. I still have more adaptive benefits to work towards, but as Alpha Omega suggested in her Keto thread, not drinking is simply much easier while eating low carb with no sugar, since sugar and carbs metabolize like alcohol, hence it had become a kindred craving for me.
I feel very good and am working with more focus and and I begin to believe for real that I can finally heal on all fronts if I am willing to walk the walk.
At the lake since yesterday. I found out I should be getting a promotion and new title so will be top level in my job as this line is new and I applied in the first wave. Obviously, I would never have made it had I not gotten sober in 2012. I have relapsed, but never for long and each time improved my sobriety plan.
Never quit quitting, right?
That feels very good and I am happy to get some formal recognition by my admin after many years of no track forwards. Ironically, just in time to retire, but I will get this year and next. I helped create the line so it will be a bit of a legacy to leave behind for others which feels good too.
I had a craving last week mostly from habit and being in this recreational area with ability to sleep in if I had wanted. But it was relatively easy to overcome when I noticed and identified it directly.
Keto is helping many things as I talked about on Sassy’s thread. My knee joints are much better these past few days as they were really painful the past few weeks. I think I was detoxing oxalate which looks a lot like gout.
I am eating pretty freely and not hurrying the weight loss, but it continues an overall downward trend of about a pound a week. Some weeks are stall or I even gain a bit, but after that I lose more quickly and more weight.
The mental peace is the best thing. I am not anxious about eating or being driven by cravings. I’m starting to drop a meal a day just because I don’t want food because body has plenty to draw on.
I think my self-esteem is still driven somewhat by body image. So as this pattern of eating becomes more default normal, like sobriety does for me at about 3 months, I feel better about myself because I am turning a behavior change into a habit.
I’ve put sugar and carb addiction into a similar category to alcohol addiction. All are damaging to my physical vehicle even if my mind fixates on them. Given time and adaptation, I can associate positive actions with food like I have with not drinking.
A craving for a drink means permission to get to a yoga class or take a hike in Nature. At night, I watch something for fun, take a shower, make tea or go to bed early for extra sleep. I support myself in feeling vulnerable.
I’m trying to do the same with sugar and carbs. I can feed my heart and mind in other, richer ways than emotional eating. Physically my heat tolerance and stamina are already better, as are my breathing and sleep cycles.
It has been totally worth the months it has taken to really truly get off the sugar relapses and actually fat-adapted. I still have more adaptive benefits to work towards, but as Alpha Omega suggested in her Keto thread, not drinking is simply much easier while eating low carb with no sugar, since sugar and carbs metabolize like alcohol, hence it had become a kindred craving for me.
I feel very good and am working with more focus and and I begin to believe for real that I can finally heal on all fronts if I am willing to walk the walk.
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