Obladi

I didn't say anything about a drink.
Did I???

And no, I don't think I can train my ego. I can only be aware of its gymnastics and how some of those were learned through good-intentioned religious teachings that I absorbed in my formative years.

Fusion

19.10.19 (cool number): O said: “It did occur to me this morning that I've been demonstrating classic signs of an impending return to drinking. Crappy mood, day-long tension and headaches, brief or nonexistent posts.“

Obladi

Ah. See corrected verb tense in post #449.

Fusion

😎🤐

Dropsie

What I realize lately is that at soem point in my life, I must have really felt unheard. Someone can disagree with me, no problem, but when I feel they have not listened to me, I go nuts. People are interesting, even ourselves.

Tats, funny you mentioned that about 19.10.19 being a cool number, as I have a big birthday on 19.11.19, or US style, 111919, either way its a cool number, maybe I should quit sweating it.

X

Stayingsassy

Here’s a thing, I’ve been showing impending signs of returning to drinking too, for about a year now. All of it: sh;t-tastic mood, romanticizing, counting all the ways life was better then, diminishing, missing the “old” personality....But I haven’t done it.

Signs are signs, action is something else.

Fusion

Drops, how cool is your big birthday date of19.11.19!

Fusion

Just wondering how you are, O. Have you returned to work full time? Have you completed your sixth and seventh steps (I remember they almost merge into one, due to quick succession). What do you believe will prove of lasting benefit to you, once you remove the anti-abuse drug; or is it possible to imbibe it forever? It sounded quite toxic when I read about it, though.

Obladi

Hey Tats, I'm alright. Not great, but ok. Today was better - the headache was only slight and I didn't cry even once. I've asked my therapist for a release to return full time, but he wants to "process" that, so we have an appointment next week Tuesday. I did complete 6 and 7. But not, because it seems these will probably be a continuous process and that's ok.

I'm not sure what you mean by your last question - can you clarify?

Drops, I certainly carry that "not being heard" thing with me. I get all bent out of shape when I feel like that, particularly on conference calls when I feel like everyone is speaking over me! I often find myself saying, "Can you hear me talking?" Then feel kind of a little bit like a dope because they can - but really, it's just infuriating!

Sass I haven't returned to drinking either, nor do I plan to. Showing signs doesn't mean I'll return the the old behavior - it just means stuff I used to anesthetize with ethanol is seeing the light of day. Which isn't the most fun I've ever had, but so be it.

entropy1964

Hi Peeps

Happy Thursday. Oh gawd life is haaarrrrdddd sometimes. I still want a rent a mommy. Haha.

I can't recall if I mentioned I broke my ribs. Yeah, two days after my surgery or, wait, no, well something like that or whatever. I've been eating such a huge **** sandwich I'm not even sure. But holy crap, don't break your ribs people. Just don't do it....no matter how much fun it looks like. Lol. I am turning a bit of a corner, sleeping a little, able to relax a little so better. But my gosh I have never experienced pain like this. Ever. And good luck getting a pain pill....you have to be dying. Here's your Motrin. Really? I mean, I 'get' what's going on. but its so fricken stupid. I also get that for every argument one way, there are 10 others. But when you are desperate, in tears, with a legitimate injury, and still nada, that aint right. I mean, because I can't drink, should no one else? Prohibition didn't work right? It created organized crime on a large scale. When the bootleggers had no booze to sell, they sold heroin. Yep. So here we are....the opiode crisis. Oh the families destroyed by opiates. Yeah. Uhuh. How about I sue the vodka companies? Yadda yadda, whatever. I get, its one perspective. But holy crap, there is only so much Motrin and Tylenol one can take. So, yeah, its been rough. But I'm getting better. Able to sit for an hour and maybe not be totally obsessed with the pain. I'm able to sleep a little.

Holy moly I leave for cali in less than 2 weeks for the big move of the parents. How am I going to do this?

Sigh. I'll be ok.

O I'm sorry I haven't been able to keep up. Just typing this is nerve wracking. Oh and anxiety and pain? Not good bed fellows.

I think of you all a lot and am sorry to be so checked out. I'm sure I won't be checked back in for some time. My poor dogie...so neglected. Pretty sure I'm just watching him gain weight. And he's so bored. He just stares at me all the time. I'm like ''''STOP""". Haha,

I need one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" thingies.

Peace!

fini

oh Flips, so sorry to know you are in such dire pain.
big move of the parents might need to happen without you .....?

Fusion

Hey, O, I’m guessing you know what I meant by that question. If not, if it’s the case that you cannot take anti-abuse forever, what plans or strategies do you have in place, when anti-abuse is withdrawn, to prevent you from drinking?

I’m glad you’re feeling well, and, as always, rooting for you 🤗.

Obladi

Tatsy, I sincerely did not understand your question; thanks for clarifying. One can take antabuse indefinitely, as long as liver functions don't tank. I don't have any plans to take the medication forever, though. I imagine you know from your research there are no pharmacological affects unless I actually drink. So my plan after I stop taking it is to continue doing what I am doing - not drink!

Obladi

Flips, thanks for the update - we miss you too. I'm so sorry about your ribs and the pain - this is something you of all people didn't need to endure.

I'll be looking forward to hearing from you as you are able to join us.

Fusion

Flips, I’m so sorry you’re in pain. Broken ribs? Oh yes, 8ve suffered them. My,own fault, though, whilst under the influence years ago, in the middle of a summers day (ahem) I decided that an oak tree bough looked appealing as a seat, albeit a tad too high. So, I tried to **** my leg over it, to climb up, and instead, as I clambered up, I fell from that height, backwards and landed on the oak tree’s exposed roots and broke my ribs. Incredibly painful. Thinking of you 🤗.

fini

“So my plan after I stop taking it is to continue doing what I am doing - not drink!”

that always sounds good, of course, and for many it “works” just like that, but your experience in the past hasn’t been one of those, O.
i figured the question was more about what kinds of things you see as being helpful to you to keep the not-drinking happening.
but it wasn’t my question and i notice i hesitate to ask ...and then get irritated with myself for the hesitation, since this is a recovery forum and it is a perfectly valid question.

Obladi

I hear you, fini and it's perfectly legit for you and Tatsy (and anyone else) to question me about it. There's no denying that I have a poor track record in this arena, and tossing off "I just won't drink" may be ridiculously flippant in light of that history.

But is it? What planning can I do, really, aside from that? It's not like someone is going to take me by the scruff of the neck and pour liquor down my throat. I can plan to continue what I'm doing aside from Not Drinking - read and post here, attend meetings, go to Continuing Care, see my therapist, take my anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication every day, work the steps, get my physical self to work and work hard, get a good night's sleep, exercise, read sobriety literature, thank the universe for another day sober and ask for another. What am I missing?

I'm feeling a little defensive about the way you framed the question, Tats. The antabuse is a tool in my shed, as are all of the other aforementioned implements. You could have just as easily asked how I intend to stay sober once I'm through working the steps or when I retire or when work becomes so frustrating I can't deal with it anymore. Taking antabuse isn't keeping me sober any more than any of the other tactics I've employed.

From time to time, I do worry about the possibility that I may drink again, but I know that's just the beast what the beast does. I plan to continue Not Drinking Now and not get it twisted.

Obladi

Hawk, where you be?
I hope everything is well in your world.

fini

i don’t know if or that you’re missing anything, O.
in the post the question referred to, you solely mentioned planning not to drink.
your #477 is much more expansive.
antabuse, or more correctly the “idea of antabuse” has always fascinated me. it is a physical barrier that needs “the mind” to cooperate but really , ultimately, it is “the mind” that stops you from drinking, with or without the pill.

Stayingsassy

Here’s something that occurred to me, that maybe believing once the Antabuse is gone the drinking returns is a form of magical thinking.

It’s that all or nothing thinking, it’s that “these rules apply here and if you remove that rule then I get to do this but if you add this other rule I get to do that. Sort of like folks who return to drinking because they stopped AA. Once I stopped IOP early and said to myself “I’ll still be sober” but I drank pretty quickly because I removed my environmental “supervisor” the “mom who watches” or the “drug that stops the drinking...”. I was leery of AA this quit because I know I’m a homebody and would stop going...and what then? It happened with iop what if it happened with AA?

If O removes these rules from her quit, the barriers she has up against her drinking, and stays sober due to an internal locus of control an desire to stay quit, then I think she is more likely to succeed, not less. And O sorry for third person talk...Just addressing people who have posted about your issue with this.

You may be MORE likely to stay sober when it becomes crystal clear it’s YOU who wants sobriety.