Hi NC,
I'm kinda new here, so sometimes I don't feel "qualified" to respond to people who are struggling with their addictions. However I do know what it feels like to constantly let myself down by listening to that little voice in the head...It makes you feel so low, so helpless.
That little voice is not who you are, you are so much more than that! The less we identify with the thoughts in our head, the stronger we become. Little by little that voice grows weaker and we become stronger. Don't give up.......I know you can do this!