Is everyone meant to recover?
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
I mentioned to my sponsor that I think that some people don't have a choice of whether or not to use, even if they're working or have worked a twelve-step program. Aware of my recent struggles, my sponsor replied, "I have two concerns. The first is that you’re trying to justify your way into another run. If you can get it to make enough sense in your head, absolve yourself of any real responsibility, then it’s okay. Besides, you have a whole list of “yets” to burn through." Of course, I would have loved to just disregard the comment, but my sponsor forwarned me in March about a relapse that I had in May. I didn't see what she could see. I was as sure of my thinking then as I am now. I'm hoping that by addressing this in my blog, I will come to see what my sponsor sees in my reasoning.
I don't make it common knowledge on the forum that I'm back on Suboxone. But, I couldn't stay off the oxys without it. The obsession was so unbearable that I started hurting myself to distract. Regardless of what I tried, I eventually ended up using again (the last time was after 12 days clean). It's my hope that the Suboxone will buy me the time that I need to work on my recovery so that I can eventually withstand the mental stuff and get free of ALL opiates. However, there is a part of me that fears that without DRT, the obsession will get the better part of me. Apparently, that opinion is growing stronger because it's gone from being something that in the back of my mind I feared might be true to a fairly strong opinion, one which I have mentioned on SR. My sponsor was quick to indicate that because my comments are "self-referential" it sounds to her as though I'm looking to make another run. Maybe I don't feel like I've suffered enough, she said. As I said earlier, I would have loved to simply disregard her comment, but that would be foolish. My sponsor has proven herself to be wise.
If only my position didn't make so much sense to me! Knowing my sponsor's insight, I wouldn't change my opinion, I would obliterate it. But, it does make sense, perfect sense. No twelve-step program claims 100% sober results. The above quote indicates the reasons for failure: not following 100% of the program 100% of the time, not being able to be honest, etc. Are those the only reasons? Isn't it possible that some people are just not able to be helped? Addiction is a disease, after all. When a disease is incurable but is able to be brought into remission, does everyone have the benefit of going into remission? If an incurable disease has a medicine that can put it into check, are there not some people for whom the medicine for that particular disease does not work? It's a great mystery why God allows some people to find relief from a disease when He doesn't ordain the same remedy for another. (Obviously, the second step is one that trips me up).
As far as I know, I don't suffer from any grave emotional or mental disorder. I've been told (and I believe) that I'm honest. I know that I'm trying to work the program, and I'm doing it to the best of my ability. So, why do I find that the part of me that fears the program doesn't work for everyone hasn't lessened during this time but has, ironically, become stronger? I'm doing what I'm told to do. Other than for this issue, I've been trying not to get my own muddled thinking involved. But, it seems to me that if I'm subconsciously beginning to justify a relapse in spite of working the program to the best of my ability, possibly my thinking is accurate and it's not my addiction looking to make another run. It seems so reasonable and clear to me!
Before last night, I had a week or so of intermittent insomnia and an increase in craving. Although it wasn't an easy time, at least I had the consolation that I was making progress. At that point in time, my sponsor assured me that it wasn't a reflection of what I was or wasn't doing. It was simply the nature of the beast, my addiction digging its claws in, not wanting to lose. Now, however, I don't have that consolation.
I really want to be ticked off about this whole thing, but I know that won't do me any good. I'm praying about it, though not as much as I should. Perhaps, now that it's down on "paper," I can stop thinking about it and more easily let it go. Maybe now that it's out, I will be able to do more praying than complaining. I can't afford to waste my energy. I'm moving onto the second step and, as I noted earlier, it's not an easy step for me. I repeatedly trip on it. Who knows? Maybe my struggles with the second step will be my next blog entry. Of course I believe that God can return me to a state of sanity. That's an easy thing for me to believe. It's just that I'm not convinced that He will. After all, God allows some people to find relief from a disease when He doesn't ordain the same remedy for another...
Oh, sh!t... I'm right back where I started this, aren't I?
I mentioned to my sponsor that I think that some people don't have a choice of whether or not to use, even if they're working or have worked a twelve-step program. Aware of my recent struggles, my sponsor replied, "I have two concerns. The first is that you’re trying to justify your way into another run. If you can get it to make enough sense in your head, absolve yourself of any real responsibility, then it’s okay. Besides, you have a whole list of “yets” to burn through." Of course, I would have loved to just disregard the comment, but my sponsor forwarned me in March about a relapse that I had in May. I didn't see what she could see. I was as sure of my thinking then as I am now. I'm hoping that by addressing this in my blog, I will come to see what my sponsor sees in my reasoning.
I don't make it common knowledge on the forum that I'm back on Suboxone. But, I couldn't stay off the oxys without it. The obsession was so unbearable that I started hurting myself to distract. Regardless of what I tried, I eventually ended up using again (the last time was after 12 days clean). It's my hope that the Suboxone will buy me the time that I need to work on my recovery so that I can eventually withstand the mental stuff and get free of ALL opiates. However, there is a part of me that fears that without DRT, the obsession will get the better part of me. Apparently, that opinion is growing stronger because it's gone from being something that in the back of my mind I feared might be true to a fairly strong opinion, one which I have mentioned on SR. My sponsor was quick to indicate that because my comments are "self-referential" it sounds to her as though I'm looking to make another run. Maybe I don't feel like I've suffered enough, she said. As I said earlier, I would have loved to simply disregard her comment, but that would be foolish. My sponsor has proven herself to be wise.
If only my position didn't make so much sense to me! Knowing my sponsor's insight, I wouldn't change my opinion, I would obliterate it. But, it does make sense, perfect sense. No twelve-step program claims 100% sober results. The above quote indicates the reasons for failure: not following 100% of the program 100% of the time, not being able to be honest, etc. Are those the only reasons? Isn't it possible that some people are just not able to be helped? Addiction is a disease, after all. When a disease is incurable but is able to be brought into remission, does everyone have the benefit of going into remission? If an incurable disease has a medicine that can put it into check, are there not some people for whom the medicine for that particular disease does not work? It's a great mystery why God allows some people to find relief from a disease when He doesn't ordain the same remedy for another. (Obviously, the second step is one that trips me up).
As far as I know, I don't suffer from any grave emotional or mental disorder. I've been told (and I believe) that I'm honest. I know that I'm trying to work the program, and I'm doing it to the best of my ability. So, why do I find that the part of me that fears the program doesn't work for everyone hasn't lessened during this time but has, ironically, become stronger? I'm doing what I'm told to do. Other than for this issue, I've been trying not to get my own muddled thinking involved. But, it seems to me that if I'm subconsciously beginning to justify a relapse in spite of working the program to the best of my ability, possibly my thinking is accurate and it's not my addiction looking to make another run. It seems so reasonable and clear to me!
Before last night, I had a week or so of intermittent insomnia and an increase in craving. Although it wasn't an easy time, at least I had the consolation that I was making progress. At that point in time, my sponsor assured me that it wasn't a reflection of what I was or wasn't doing. It was simply the nature of the beast, my addiction digging its claws in, not wanting to lose. Now, however, I don't have that consolation.
I really want to be ticked off about this whole thing, but I know that won't do me any good. I'm praying about it, though not as much as I should. Perhaps, now that it's down on "paper," I can stop thinking about it and more easily let it go. Maybe now that it's out, I will be able to do more praying than complaining. I can't afford to waste my energy. I'm moving onto the second step and, as I noted earlier, it's not an easy step for me. I repeatedly trip on it. Who knows? Maybe my struggles with the second step will be my next blog entry. Of course I believe that God can return me to a state of sanity. That's an easy thing for me to believe. It's just that I'm not convinced that He will. After all, God allows some people to find relief from a disease when He doesn't ordain the same remedy for another...
Oh, sh!t... I'm right back where I started this, aren't I?
Total Comments 8
Comments
-
Thank you for writing this, christin.
When we begin to reprogram, make changes, the old part will buck it's head, try to take over, keep its claim, stake its claim. This is true with most any changes a person tries to make from addiction to simply learning how to sustain meaningful relationships.
Once the new introduces itself, the old says, "no f'ing way, buddy!" It seems even more prominent. But then, with time and practice, the new takes hold. The new wins.
I believe in a "thinning of the herd" kind of thing when it comes to this sh!t. That is how I have been able to deal with or reconcile all the deaths I have seen from it.
I also believe in you.Posted 09-10-2009 at 03:04 PM by readyforhelp
- Did that come out right? I believe in you.
I believe you can do it. I believe you can.Posted 09-10-2009 at 03:12 PM by readyforhelp -
Thanks for writing this, readyforhelp.Quote:Originally Posted by readyforhelp
Once the new introduces itself, the old...seems even more prominent. But then, with time and practice, the new takes hold. The new wins.
But, thanks especially for writing this:
Quote:I believe in you.Posted 09-10-2009 at 07:25 PM by christin1225 -
Meant to recover?
No.
Can recover?
Yes.
If everyone was meant to recover, there would be no deaths from it. Those who don't want to die... recover. That's you, and me, and everyone on this board, at meetings, in IOP, in rehab...
You are meant to recover.Posted 09-11-2009 at 08:29 PM by SpeedyJason - Listen, if anyone can write what you just wrote, you are meant to succeed! Your thoughts are cohesive and lucid. Your self reflection is thorough. You obviously are a very intelligent person with a solid heart. You have focus. Don't overthink, just do! Good luck!Posted 09-12-2009 at 09:10 AM by shugabooga
-
It's great that you blog, Christin, and I'm glad to have found what you've written. I do notice when you're posting more or less than usual, and I'm always hoping to hear how you're doing.
Do you really want some honesty here even though it might sound like harsh? Okay...
First, let me start by saying God BLESS AA. I am so grateful for its existence, and I believe in it like crazy.
Here's the deal though. To my memory, I've never once heard you talk about craving, drinking or relapsing on alcohol. It's always about pills, drugs. Now, I don't know if you've dealt with active alcoholism in the past or not, and I don't know what kinds of additional experiences your sponsor might be able to bring to the table, but the picture as it is now doesn't seem comprehensive to me. Let's look at the first step, admitting powerlessness over alcohol. Are you only powerless over (just) alcohol? Or are you really powerless over your addiction? A small turn of phrase, a significant difference in approach.
AA is home to miracle after miracle for alcoholics. As we know, there are also many members of AA who have had major problems with all kinds of other drugs too. If it were really, really working for you -- say in helping you to get and stay sober/clean long term -- I'd say great, wonderful, keep it going. I think it's important to remember that there were serious reasons for the creation of NA as a separate fellowship. It wasn't just that nonalcoholic addicts infringed on AA's singleness of purpose -- it was that addicts needed a program that was properly tailored to them.
I'm not sure why you've chosen one fellowship over another, and I will admit that I might be getting all of this wrong in your case -- if I have indeed gotten any or all of this wrong, I'm happy to resign all of the aforementioned ideas -- but I've been following your story for 6 months, and I thought I'd leave 2 cents here for you to take or leave at your discretion.
Best wishes and big hugs, no matter what, where or when.
P.S. No, a thousand times over, I do not think that you fall into the category of people who are "fundamentally incapable" of achieving recovery. That's a different category altogether. I might be wrong here too, but the first possible examples of this that came to my mind when I first read this included people with a certain level of brain damage, some extreme psychopaths, some extreme sociopaths, some extreme narcissists, people experiencing a very serious break from reality (say through advanced schizophrenia or psychosis), etc. If you're one of those, you're doing one helluva job bringing all of that insight and healthy emotion to the table, you know what I mean? You're a good egg Christin. I know you can do this -- I really, really do.Posted 10-04-2009 at 01:28 PM by SteppingItUp -
Thanks for caring, SteppingItUp
Thanks for your comments. I will clarify that I haven't chosen AA over NA. I benefit greatly from both fellowships. However, my home group is in the NA fellowship.
My original schedule (sneaking in recovery meetings so that my family wouldn't find out that I was an addict) precluded me from attending most NA meetings (as it will soon do again once IOP begins). My first recovery meeting was an NA meeting and I definitely identify more in an NA setting. However, my morning AA meeting has been instrumental in my recovery and, therefore, even though I became able to attend more NA meetings, I retained the morning AA meeting in my schedule. This has been beneficial for several reasons, including the fact that my sponsor's primary fellowship is with AA.
Because of my sponsor's affiliation, I am working the steps from an AA perspective, using the Big Book (although I regularly read from my Basic Text and use the NA steps workbook as well). I chose my sponsor not because of her affiliation but because I am convinced that God has put her into my life.
As far as my history with alcohol goes, I have had issues with binge-type drinking in the past. I struggle with identifying myself as alcoholic, however, because I was able to stop drinking when sufficient reason presented itself, something that I was not able to do with my addiction to oxy. Currently, I'm trying to learn to identify with the disease instead of with the symptoms -- drug addict vs alcoholic. As we know, we all suffer from the disease of addiction. Still... well, as I said, I'm working on learning that one.
I'm not sure if that adequately addresses the concerns that you've mentioned. I can't express how much I appreciate that you've followed my recovery (or lack thereof at times) for six months. Coming back from a week+ vacation, I wondered if there were more than just one or two who missed me in my absence. This being my first day back from vacation, I've been struggling. Therefore, I've tried to stay close to SR today, trying to keep my head in the game. Your post to my blog has warmed my heart and, so, you've helped in that regard.
Posted 10-04-2009 at 02:23 PM by christin1225 - That made some things a lot clearer to me, so thank you!
That's right, you must have felt so much more free about where and when you could attend meetings once you had shared what you had been going through with your loved ones. Really, that story still moves me. You are so lucky to have such supportive people by your side. I love it.
It was also just beautiful of you to say that you feel that God has put your sponsor in your life. Beautiful!
I thank I understand what you're saying about drinking - binge drinking was my MO too. My denial ran so thickly through the earliest years of my substance abuse that I'm still trying to sort through the vines and bushes to get a better idea of what was really going on, alcoholism or just classic addict behaviors.
Vacations - YAY! I know it can feel weird transitioning back into life upon return (I think I'm still readjusting from my month away at the beach in August), but they can be so healing and centering. I love being able to come home and see things from a fresh perspective. I hope you had a wonderful time!! Welcome home.
Yes, stick close by...it's easier to hug you that way!
Posted 10-04-2009 at 09:41 PM by SteppingItUp
