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Old 01-05-2019, 10:07 PM   #1 (permalink)
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
nytepassion's Avatar

Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 871

The Battle Isn't Yours To Fight

You can't make me clean though I know it is what you want for me to be, but until I want it. I won't be. You can't love me clean because until I learn to love myself. I won't be. I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction.

I can learn from my own experience. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my own choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.

I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.

You see although I look and sound like your loved one. Me, the person is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction.

The main focus of a addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of "helping" me, the person ... falls prey to the addict giving more power to the addiction to shackel down the person in me a little more each time.

I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.

The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free. Free to fall in order to find the strength to get back up and fight back to break free.

How can or will I ever be able to get clean.

The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF

By allowing me to reach rock bottom you move over and allow me to find the my own way back. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I learn to love myself. The more I learn to love myself the more I will do to better myself.

I am aware that when I use I am playing russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.

Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance ...

Please for the sake of the person in me, move out of the way and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom. Pray for me that when I do hit that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.

Recovering Addict
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin
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Old 01-07-2019, 01:26 PM   #2 (permalink)

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Thank you so much for posting this. I see my son (and myself) in the words you have written. I stepped back so much lately, and as his mom, it feels cold and unloving. But I believe what you have written. I believe that it is only through my refusing to interfere that he will do business with God and deal with his addiction.

God be with you.
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Old 01-07-2019, 03:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
No Dogma Please
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
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Speaking from the other side of the fence, that is ABSOLUTELY true.

Getting sober is, by it's nature, extremely selfish. Loved ones are not involved in the process, nor much thought of during it if its successful.

The only real way to support an addict is to give them a ton of space to fall down and smash themselves and possibly get back up....which also requires some space.
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Old 01-07-2019, 04:04 PM   #4 (permalink)

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Posts: 506
Thank you Thank you so very much for this post.
You have described my son...I am looking at him, and I see him, and I hear what he says, but I have no idea who this person is. I am speaking to his put it so very well.
We have almost no contact. When it feels right to me, I reach out. Invited him for Christmas Eve with the family, he didn't respond, didn't show up, sent along some gifts I mentioned a long time ago I'd like. Taking his love anyway I can get it, but holding him accountable at the same time for his bad behavior. He doesn't live with me, so I don't know what I don't see, and that's fine with me. When I do see or speak to him, it's been a while, I never know what to expect, and my expectations are pretty low now, so I am not really disappointed. I have cried at times, but every day I am basically happy and living my life joyfully. When I do reach out, I feel like I am shining a little light into the rabbit hole he is in, just to remind some part of him that I am here. Makes me feel better. I pray for his soft and swift bottom.
I really appreciate your post. I am hopeful he will one day decide to find recovery.
Thank you.
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Old 01-11-2019, 07:34 AM   #5 (permalink)

Join Date: Feb 2018
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This is me and my son also. I have learned to step back, to preserve my sanity. Most of the time, I live my life happily , but it is tinged with a sadness about my son. When that sadness creeps in, I swiftly kick it to the kerb. I don't want to spend my life wondering and worrying about him. Life is too precious, and I want to make happy memories for the rest of it.
i have no control over my sons actions, and what will be will be. I continue to remind myself of that every day.
Much Love
Bute x
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Old 01-20-2019, 04:30 PM   #6 (permalink)

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Thanks for posting this. I am in recovery myself but my brother is in the insanity at the moment and I just want to save him! Your post could have been written by me and yet I was struggling to see it in terms of my brother. I needed my rock bottom so I was desperate enough to get help. He needs the same. Thank you. It was very moving too.
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addict , addiction , let go let god

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