Effed Up Royally
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
Third time is a charm (why wait for the fourth time)! Believe it.
My best thoughts are now holding you in the light. I send you all the kindness and hope that I have.
Once you make a decision all the universe conspires to make it happen...
Good luck
My best thoughts are now holding you in the light. I send you all the kindness and hope that I have.
Once you make a decision all the universe conspires to make it happen...
Good luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Lost - I am glad my advice helped out. When I was detoxing this time last year I had a night where things got a little psychedelic, and I was hit with a tremendous bout of sleep paralysis. At one point during that night I saw a bright light and then none other than Layne Staley was there talking to me. He told me "welcome to the other side brother". It was an extraordinarily powerful experience actually, and your avatar reminds me of it every time that I see it.
Four - I appreciate the good vibes, and I'll take everything I can get at this point.
I hit up another AA meeting today. It was a larger one for the area, but I was able to get some benefit from it. I am going to make it early to the next one I attend so that I can try to meet folks before the meeting starts. So far, it has been slower than I expected meeting members that I click with. The meetings I have been going to have been an older crowd. They have a lot of clean time, and I think I can learn a lot from them at the meetings. However, I don't see them as the guys that I can call at 3:00AM when I am going through the ringer.
I don't have a quit date set yet as I am still waiting to get my meds lined up. However, with each passing day I get more and more restless. I just want to get done with it already. If I get the methadone tomorrow then I will immediately switch over. There are a lot of emotions that I am going through now that are similar to the times that I was successful with the detoxes. Specifically, each day using becomes more and more depressing. I know that I can't keep going on like this, and I am getting sick and tired of it. With my last detox attempts that failed I noticed that I didn't get the internal lift that I had on the successful ones. On the successful attempts I knew I was going to go through the ringer, but I had an inner sense of relief that it was at least going to be over. With the recent detox failures I just didn't get that. They were just a feeling of fear of failure, and longing to go back to the relative security of using. Well, my security blanket of using has some serious holes in it, and I think it needs some gasoline and a match.
Four - I appreciate the good vibes, and I'll take everything I can get at this point.
I hit up another AA meeting today. It was a larger one for the area, but I was able to get some benefit from it. I am going to make it early to the next one I attend so that I can try to meet folks before the meeting starts. So far, it has been slower than I expected meeting members that I click with. The meetings I have been going to have been an older crowd. They have a lot of clean time, and I think I can learn a lot from them at the meetings. However, I don't see them as the guys that I can call at 3:00AM when I am going through the ringer.
I don't have a quit date set yet as I am still waiting to get my meds lined up. However, with each passing day I get more and more restless. I just want to get done with it already. If I get the methadone tomorrow then I will immediately switch over. There are a lot of emotions that I am going through now that are similar to the times that I was successful with the detoxes. Specifically, each day using becomes more and more depressing. I know that I can't keep going on like this, and I am getting sick and tired of it. With my last detox attempts that failed I noticed that I didn't get the internal lift that I had on the successful ones. On the successful attempts I knew I was going to go through the ringer, but I had an inner sense of relief that it was at least going to be over. With the recent detox failures I just didn't get that. They were just a feeling of fear of failure, and longing to go back to the relative security of using. Well, my security blanket of using has some serious holes in it, and I think it needs some gasoline and a match.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Thailand
Posts: 824
Good luck opio mate try and stay strong bro. I know what you mean about not coming on here when using - I just went on the missing list when I used with regards to here - but keep the faith mate everyone on here rooting for you pal
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Still in a holding pattern. If I don't get squared away over the weekend then I am going to schedule an appointment with a sub doctor on Tuesday. I really hope it doesn't come down to that though. The thought of going to another sub doctor is such a turn off. Every single one that I have gone to in the past was a judgmental dick that looked down on me like I was a piece of trash. I'll just have to deal with it if that turns out to be the case. I shouldn't let those sorts of things bother me as much as they do, but it was a big negative in the past. Even if I schedule something on Tuesday it will likely be a while before I could see anyone. I just need to get a date on the calendar, because this uncertainty is causing me a lot of anxiety.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: HK
Posts: 331
wow!!! That's amazing that Layne came to you... Maybe it was a warning in disguise?
Layne died with empty satchels and needles all around his body. I'm sure that not how you wanna go out, and neither do I...
I've been trying to get my girl to watch Trainspotting just so she can have at least a little understanding of what i went through... the first time I suggested that movie was around the time that you messaged me with a lot of advice, and my god it helped so much... It's time to take your own advice buddy and beat this thing once and for all.
We will always be here to support you through, and from the advice you gave me I know that you know what it takes to give it up once and for all. It's 9 months down the track for me and I've never looked back when it comes to pills... I really think that you're an incredibly intelligent human being with a lot to offer this world, don't let opiates take that away from you.
As I said, I'm here for you as you were for me... If there is anything I can do just let me know. All I can say is... my god man it gets better, a whole lot better. Even though I'm having my struggles with weed and alcohol, it's so much better than dealing with opiates.
More power to you my friend.
Layne died with empty satchels and needles all around his body. I'm sure that not how you wanna go out, and neither do I...
I've been trying to get my girl to watch Trainspotting just so she can have at least a little understanding of what i went through... the first time I suggested that movie was around the time that you messaged me with a lot of advice, and my god it helped so much... It's time to take your own advice buddy and beat this thing once and for all.
We will always be here to support you through, and from the advice you gave me I know that you know what it takes to give it up once and for all. It's 9 months down the track for me and I've never looked back when it comes to pills... I really think that you're an incredibly intelligent human being with a lot to offer this world, don't let opiates take that away from you.
As I said, I'm here for you as you were for me... If there is anything I can do just let me know. All I can say is... my god man it gets better, a whole lot better. Even though I'm having my struggles with weed and alcohol, it's so much better than dealing with opiates.
More power to you my friend.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Lost - Ya, I remember thinking that it was pretty cool that Layne was my welcoming committee. At the time I honestly didn't know if I was dead, dreaming or whatever. I know his story well, and he was / is one of my favorite singers. Some of his interviews were raw the way that he talked about how the drugs worked for a long time and then they turned on him. It was sad the condition that he was in when he did pass.
Trainspotting...what an awesome movie. It does glorify the drugs more than I would like, but the scenes where he is kicking are great. The dark humor throughout is right up my alley though. I was rolling on the floor when he asked the girl's parents if they were her flat mates. Requiem For a Dream is another one that captures the darkness of addiction. I am not sure that one is really date night material though.
Thanks for the kind words. I will need all the support I can get during this kick.
So, I finally got some subs to assist with the detox. They didn't come in until I had already made my daily H purchase so today is shot. I have 6 of the 8 mg strips, which doesn't give me a ton of runway. That should be enough to get me over the hump though. I just found out that it is spring break for school this week so fate would have it that now is the best opportunity to get through this. My original plan was to reach out to my doctor to try to get some clonidine and start some ADs, but I am not sure their offices are open tomorrow. If they aren't open then I am just going to have to go with what I have. I am going to hold out as long as possible before taking the subs, because the last couple times I had a terrible time switching over to them. It may have been precipitated withdrawal or they may just not have been enough to hold back the withdrawal. Whatever...it is better than nothing so I am going to have to deal with whatever comes my way.
Trainspotting...what an awesome movie. It does glorify the drugs more than I would like, but the scenes where he is kicking are great. The dark humor throughout is right up my alley though. I was rolling on the floor when he asked the girl's parents if they were her flat mates. Requiem For a Dream is another one that captures the darkness of addiction. I am not sure that one is really date night material though.
Thanks for the kind words. I will need all the support I can get during this kick.
So, I finally got some subs to assist with the detox. They didn't come in until I had already made my daily H purchase so today is shot. I have 6 of the 8 mg strips, which doesn't give me a ton of runway. That should be enough to get me over the hump though. I just found out that it is spring break for school this week so fate would have it that now is the best opportunity to get through this. My original plan was to reach out to my doctor to try to get some clonidine and start some ADs, but I am not sure their offices are open tomorrow. If they aren't open then I am just going to have to go with what I have. I am going to hold out as long as possible before taking the subs, because the last couple times I had a terrible time switching over to them. It may have been precipitated withdrawal or they may just not have been enough to hold back the withdrawal. Whatever...it is better than nothing so I am going to have to deal with whatever comes my way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: HK
Posts: 331
Good luck mate, stay strong and you'll get through it. I know you already know but still - careful with the subs, they can be just as nasty to try and kick. Don't go over the recommended dose.
Keep us updated mate, it helped me a lot just to keep posting on here.
Keep us updated mate, it helped me a lot just to keep posting on here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Ok opio I'm glad to see you are getting ready to switch over soon! I know it's scary. I was too. But you did this before...and you made it thru....you can and will do this again! You are a very strong guy! You've been thru a lot of things! You are a fighter and you always get thru! We will be here with you every step of the way too ok?
((((Opiophobe)))
((((Opiophobe)))
Night owl
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Opio, coming out of woodwork to tell you I am with you too! I know you can do this! What you write, there's a feeling and a sense there that you really want this this time. Maybe it's your fear too. Sometimes that fear is what we need to make it real for us, you know? That fear can be grounding, can be a lifeline back to what we truly want, who we truly are.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I agree with four that sometimes once we really make that decision the Universe conspires to help us make it so. You have the strength and the ability and you have a ton of love and support coming to you from SR!
Peace and blessings to you!
You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I agree with four that sometimes once we really make that decision the Universe conspires to help us make it so. You have the strength and the ability and you have a ton of love and support coming to you from SR!
Peace and blessings to you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Lyoness - I am flattered that I was able to lure you out of the woodwork! Thanks for the kind words.
I wish I had better news, but today I woke up sick. Not dopesick, but just regular sick. It was probably due to the ridiculously cold weather couple with endless shoveling. Anyway, I didn't switch over today. I am pissed at myself and wonder if it is just an excuse, but I do have a fever, etc. It is pretty clear that I am actually sick and not just making it up in my head. I did take a reduced dose today. Of course, reducing / tapering isn't going to work, but I figured that taking a reduced dose is better than the alternative. I am hoping that this doesn't turn out to be the flu that I have. If it is something that blows over quickly then I will still be able to switch over right away. Part of me thought about just ignoring the fact that I was sick, but the process is hard enough on the body without starting out sick. I am getting as much rest as I can today, and hoping that I get over this quickly.
I have to say that I was surprised to get sick. For whatever reason I have rarely gotten sick while on opiates. Maybe I was sick, but I just didn't feel it due to the pain killing effects.
I'll keep everyone updated on my condition.
I wish I had better news, but today I woke up sick. Not dopesick, but just regular sick. It was probably due to the ridiculously cold weather couple with endless shoveling. Anyway, I didn't switch over today. I am pissed at myself and wonder if it is just an excuse, but I do have a fever, etc. It is pretty clear that I am actually sick and not just making it up in my head. I did take a reduced dose today. Of course, reducing / tapering isn't going to work, but I figured that taking a reduced dose is better than the alternative. I am hoping that this doesn't turn out to be the flu that I have. If it is something that blows over quickly then I will still be able to switch over right away. Part of me thought about just ignoring the fact that I was sick, but the process is hard enough on the body without starting out sick. I am getting as much rest as I can today, and hoping that I get over this quickly.
I have to say that I was surprised to get sick. For whatever reason I have rarely gotten sick while on opiates. Maybe I was sick, but I just didn't feel it due to the pain killing effects.
I'll keep everyone updated on my condition.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 377
Hey Opio, I am so happy to hear from you and see you back on here again. I, and I'm sure many others, were really worried. It's hard when someone you care about goes AWOL and you realise that anything could happen. Really proud of you for sticking your head back out of the sand.
I would have said hi sooner but I'm away at the moment, and Internet connectivity is intermittent.
I don't know much about H withdrawal but I know that you came through it before, and were here for a lot of people, always giving the right advice and support when we needed it. So we're here for you bro.
I know you've got a tough time ahead but you can do this, we all believe in you. Maybe have a read back through some of your old threads, and hear the positivity and focus in your voice, and know it is there within you.
Love going out to you Opio
I would have said hi sooner but I'm away at the moment, and Internet connectivity is intermittent.
I don't know much about H withdrawal but I know that you came through it before, and were here for a lot of people, always giving the right advice and support when we needed it. So we're here for you bro.
I know you've got a tough time ahead but you can do this, we all believe in you. Maybe have a read back through some of your old threads, and hear the positivity and focus in your voice, and know it is there within you.
Love going out to you Opio
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
I am finally starting to feel better today. My fever broke this morning. I am not sure if I had a mild flu or what, but it knocked me down for a few days. It was interesting because I compared it to being dopesick, and a lot of the physical symptoms are similar. None of the RLS / nervous energy though, and that tends to be the worst part. Alright, I am going to have to switch to the subs now. I am dreading it to be honest, but I'll get through it. The one thing that scares me is precipitated withdrawal so I know that I am going to have to wait a full 24 hours. I'll check it tomorrow to let folks know how it is going.
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Awwww Opio! You've done this before! Take a deep breath and put your boots on! You can wade thru this again. Just stay focused and focus on the other side of the chit!
I hate it when I'm at the point of w/d's! I just try to get everything I'm going to need to help me get thru it! I'm lucky to have my husband help me out around the place while I'm going thru them too! Plus being retired I don't have to go to work. The w/d's still suck no matter what we are enduring around us though.
You know you've done this before? You know you can do it again! Get your mind set on and go for it!
TOD
I hate it when I'm at the point of w/d's! I just try to get everything I'm going to need to help me get thru it! I'm lucky to have my husband help me out around the place while I'm going thru them too! Plus being retired I don't have to go to work. The w/d's still suck no matter what we are enduring around us though.
You know you've done this before? You know you can do it again! Get your mind set on and go for it!
TOD
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Well, I just took half a strip (at 18 hours in). The withdrawal was coming on quicker than I expected. I am concerned about taking it too soon, which is why I took half a strip instead of a whole. There have been times when I took it 24 hours in and got precipitated withdrawal, but other times I took it 12 - 18 hours in and I was OK. It seems like severity of withdrawal is more important than the actual time elapsed. At least in my experience.
The other day when I was reading a research report on the suboxone strips it mentioned that precipitated withdrawal has caused some fatalities. I am not sure if they were referencing naloxone only or suboxone, but I know that precipitated withdrawal is like regular withdrawal on steroids.
I was sitting with a fellow addict who took a suboxone strip IV a little over 24 hours in withdrawal. He was in bad shape and had tried taking a strip under his tongue on two different occasions prior to taking it IV. On bother occasions he was vomiting so much that he lost the strip in the process. When he took the IV sub I was with him and he kept waiting for something to happen. His veins are all shot so he had to shoot it in his hand. It must have been a full 45 seconds that passed and nothing was happening. We started wondering if something got messed up during the cooking process. Then he says "well, something is definitely happening". I asked "is it good or bad". He responds "I don't know". Then he jumped up off the couch and started screaming and floundering around. I thought he was having a stroke or something. He runs to the toiler and starts puking. Then he was thrashing around the floor and all over the apartment. It took about 10 minutes for that to pass, and then the sub kicked in. I don't know what happened to this day, but I know that IVing those things can cause some crazy reactions.
Man, in the time it took me to write this post a wave of withdrawal just hit. I am pouring sweat. I'll keep everyone posted.
The other day when I was reading a research report on the suboxone strips it mentioned that precipitated withdrawal has caused some fatalities. I am not sure if they were referencing naloxone only or suboxone, but I know that precipitated withdrawal is like regular withdrawal on steroids.
I was sitting with a fellow addict who took a suboxone strip IV a little over 24 hours in withdrawal. He was in bad shape and had tried taking a strip under his tongue on two different occasions prior to taking it IV. On bother occasions he was vomiting so much that he lost the strip in the process. When he took the IV sub I was with him and he kept waiting for something to happen. His veins are all shot so he had to shoot it in his hand. It must have been a full 45 seconds that passed and nothing was happening. We started wondering if something got messed up during the cooking process. Then he says "well, something is definitely happening". I asked "is it good or bad". He responds "I don't know". Then he jumped up off the couch and started screaming and floundering around. I thought he was having a stroke or something. He runs to the toiler and starts puking. Then he was thrashing around the floor and all over the apartment. It took about 10 minutes for that to pass, and then the sub kicked in. I don't know what happened to this day, but I know that IVing those things can cause some crazy reactions.
Man, in the time it took me to write this post a wave of withdrawal just hit. I am pouring sweat. I'll keep everyone posted.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Well, today was a complete let down. After writing my prior post it went downhill quickly and abruptly. It was clear that I took it way too early. I shot over the 4 mg so I am back to square 1. Tonight I am going to finish things off sooner, and I am going to have to wait longer. I am thinking that I need to get to the 24 hour mark AND be quite sick. Also, I am going to start with 2 mg to test the waters. If it makes things better then I can ramp up from there. Anyway, I am bummed out, but it could have been worse I guess. If I had taken a full strip it would have that much worse. I forgot just how bad it gets when you take the subs too early.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
OK. I just took what is hopefully my last shot of H in my life. The half strip of sub was honestly barely noticeable - i.e. it didn't block ****. It is amazing how it made a dramatic difference earlier today, but now I can't even tell that I took it. So much for taking my H dose earlier.
I have my marching orders for tomorrow now. No matter how bad it gets I have to wait until 1AM ET before dosing. That will be good also because my broker doesn't operate late at night. I actually talked to him about that before and he said that he switch from coke to H, because with coke he had to be on call 24/7. So even if I want to throw in the towel as early as say 1:30AM then it would just be tough ****. Also, I am going to slip my ATM card under my wife's door. That is like throwing it into a black hole.
It's too bad I never got that straight jacket. Although I don't think I would have the guts for that given that my wife would be holding the key. Even if she didn't intentionally torture me she might do something like put me in the basement and forget to feed me. I was thinking about those straight jackets today, and I was wondering if they come with a flap or something in the back. How do you go to the bathroom when you are in one of those? Also, I wonder if they have the equivalent of the straight jacket for your legs. That would either really help with RLS (i.e. maybe being immobilized would get your to relax the same way a baby does when being swaddled) or it would be a nightmare (i.e. the sensation of really needing to move your legs but not being able to). For anyone new to my thread please excuse my macabre sense of humor. I am just joking about the straight jacket...well, half-joking.
I'll be on tomorrow during the day while the withdrawal is starting to ramp up.
I have my marching orders for tomorrow now. No matter how bad it gets I have to wait until 1AM ET before dosing. That will be good also because my broker doesn't operate late at night. I actually talked to him about that before and he said that he switch from coke to H, because with coke he had to be on call 24/7. So even if I want to throw in the towel as early as say 1:30AM then it would just be tough ****. Also, I am going to slip my ATM card under my wife's door. That is like throwing it into a black hole.
It's too bad I never got that straight jacket. Although I don't think I would have the guts for that given that my wife would be holding the key. Even if she didn't intentionally torture me she might do something like put me in the basement and forget to feed me. I was thinking about those straight jackets today, and I was wondering if they come with a flap or something in the back. How do you go to the bathroom when you are in one of those? Also, I wonder if they have the equivalent of the straight jacket for your legs. That would either really help with RLS (i.e. maybe being immobilized would get your to relax the same way a baby does when being swaddled) or it would be a nightmare (i.e. the sensation of really needing to move your legs but not being able to). For anyone new to my thread please excuse my macabre sense of humor. I am just joking about the straight jacket...well, half-joking.
I'll be on tomorrow during the day while the withdrawal is starting to ramp up.
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