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Effed Up Royally

Old 12-08-2014, 03:06 PM
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Glad to see you back Opio

The guilt is awful, isn't it? I haven't even used but have been thinking about it so much and so seriously that I have an overwhelming guilt just about that - like I feel like I used so I can only imagine.

As I said before, you gave me so much wonderful advice when I first joined here....I hope you are able to turn that back on yourself. Yet we are funny creatures aren't we....usually better at giving than taking

Please keep us posted....there has been something missing here while you were away
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Old 12-08-2014, 03:16 PM
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Good to see you back Opio

D
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Old 12-09-2014, 01:15 AM
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Opi! A thought only lasts for seven minutes! One hour at a time is way easier to manage than one day at a time too!

Do you have a picture of yourself from a time when you weren't using that you really like? Get that picture out and put it somewhere where you can look at it all the time. Let it be the reminder of who you want to be again! I have mine!

I don't have to tell you with each passing day things get better! You've been there before!

TOD
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Old 12-09-2014, 04:02 AM
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Hey opio, it's so good to see you back.

I have to admit, reading your post yesterday has just completely scared the s**t out of me. If we can take a step back just for one moment and see how close we have rolled with death, it is truly frightening. especially when there are kids involved.

I have never come close to Od'ing (I don't think- truth is how the f**k can I be sure), but the thought that I put drugs over my children (because that is what I did by using), literally makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I really hope you can use what happened yesterday. How are you feeling about it now?

Did i say it was good to have you back?!
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Old 12-09-2014, 07:39 AM
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TOD - haha...the only pictures of me when I wasn't using are from so long ago...high school probably. I will have to take some new photos at some point down the road from now.

Eyes / Dee / Chasing - good to hear from you guys.

I have been holding up so far. Yesterday was honestly tougher than I was expecting. I have less methadone that what I thought I did. Things are going to get real at some point in the next few days. I'll write more later. Today is going to be busy getting everything done that I can while I am not sick. Sometimes it feels like preparing for a hurricane or something.
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Old 12-09-2014, 03:22 PM
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Well, today has been one of those blah days. I am a little nervous about the upcoming withdrawal, but it is what it is. The Piper doesn't negotiate, and doesn't give a damn about sob stories. He will be coming to collect payment soon.

Cravings have been up and down throughout the day. There were a couple points where it started ramping up, but I was able to distract myself. The methadone is clearly holding things at bay for now.
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Old 12-10-2014, 05:47 AM
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If there was a single day I could live... a single breath I could take
I'd trade all the others away.
The blood's on the wall, so you'd might as well just admit it
And bleach out the stains, commit to forgetting it.
You're better off empty and blank, than left with a single pathetic trace of this
Smother another failure, lay this to rest.Console yourself, you're better alone
Destroy yourself, see who gives a ****
Absorb yourself, you're better alone. Destroy yourself.
I'll chain you to the truth, for the truth shall set you free
I'll turn the screws of vengeance and bury you with honesty
I'll make all your dreams come to life, then slay them as quickly as they came
Smother another failure, lay this to rest.Console yourself, you're better alone
Destroy yourself, see who gives a *bleep*
Absorb yourself, you're better alone
Destroy yourself, see who gives a *bleep*.
Failure.
If there was a day I could live, if there was a single breath I could take
I'd trade all the others away.

Go gettum, Opio!
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Old 12-10-2014, 05:55 AM
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No WAY Tired. Did you just quote Lamb Of GOD? Kick as* dude! Have you ever watched the Ruin video? Good stuff.

Hang in there Opio! Remember you have a whole life ahead of you. You just need to get this one thing done. Call it the flu or whatever you want. The worst of the worst is over in 3-4 days and you are on the other side of the fence. What is 3 or 4 days? I know I am simplifying it quite a bit, but when it comes down to it - it is the truth. Your truth - My Truth - Our Truth.
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Old 12-10-2014, 06:01 AM
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Haha, I listen to LoG just about every day. I'll check out the video. As the Palaces Burn is just top notch.
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Old 12-10-2014, 06:18 AM
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One more thing Opio that seemed to work for me when heading into another withdrawal (which unfortunately I had to do a couple dozen times). I had to go into it with a bit of a chip on my shoulder. Basically saying F U dope - you CAN NOT and WILL NOT take me down. Bring it on basically. Like Gnarly said I think - Getting SICK to GET WELL. If you let doubt creep in OR go into it saying okay I am just going to see if I can do this, but if things get rough I am going to keep a couple bags close by OR I will save this last bit of methadone to take if and when I need it. Of course you will slam those bags and be calling for more shortly thereafter. Cut off your access. Take a deep breath and KICK that H squarely in the NUTS!!! Own it - don't let it own you.
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Old 12-10-2014, 09:53 AM
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Originally Posted by TiredEnough View Post

Go gettum, Opio!
Just wanted to agree with this sentiment. ((Hugs)) Opio. Sorry about the piper, but he wont toot his horn forever. #persevere
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Old 12-10-2014, 01:02 PM
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Marcus - haha...if I screw up it won't be because I had extra bags / methadone lying around during withdrawal. Leaving extra stuff around wasn't ever a problem for me. I just took my last dose of methadone so it is going to be a waiting game for a little while. The last go around it took six days before the methadone wore completely off, and I started getting sick for real.

Tired - I throw on some LoG in your honor today.

I am trying to get myself pumped up, but I'll admit that I am afraid of what lies ahead. Once I get some time behind me I am hoping that I will have something to hold on to. I feel like the kid who is about to catch a beating on the parking lot across from school, and the clock is reading 2:59PM. Well, I guess I better get ready to swing first and keep swinging.
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Old 12-10-2014, 01:44 PM
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You've done this before Opio - it's rough but doable.

There's support here...and IMO you have more than enough motivation already man - your kids need their dad

D
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Old 12-10-2014, 02:46 PM
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You're right Dee. I have my work ahead of me, but I will make it the same as I have before.

I am already starting to feel stronger, and I am coming to the realization that it is game time. Maybe it was the fact that I took the last of the methadone, and the security blanket is gone. I am going to get to bed early tonight and get as much rest as I can. Sleep will be in short supply soon.

Also, I am starting to work on a music video playlist. The ironic thing about the music I choose during withdrawal is that I won't ever be able to listen to it again. I tend to play the same things repeatedly during the long nights, and every time that I head it afterwards reminds me of withdrawal. So I can't use any of my A list music. It has to be B list, but tolerable. Maybe I'll get some of the Rocky soundtracks. If that doesn't get me going then I don't know what will.
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Old 12-10-2014, 02:48 PM
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Beethoven's ninth, bro. It cures anything.
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Old 12-10-2014, 02:50 PM
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Tired - no way man! I am not going to go the way of A Clockwork Orange!
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Old 12-10-2014, 02:52 PM
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Haha, that was the worst part of Alex's ordeal. Great point.
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Old 12-11-2014, 06:00 PM
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Today has be so-so thus far. My methadone dosing was less this time versus what I used back in February so I'll probably get sicker sooner this time. Some sweats / creepy crawling skin, but definitely not full on sick yet. That is about all I have at this point. Still hanging in there. I don't feel like writing much today.
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Old 12-11-2014, 10:58 PM
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Hey Opio,

hang in there mate, just wanted to say I'm wishing you peace & ease through your WD's.

Marcus mentioned something similar I think, but what helps me through the worst, is to psych myself up to the WD's - ie, "bloody come on WD's, is this all you've got!? I deserve this and I want it to hurt", attitude. I hope that doesn't sound too sadistic, but it's gotten me through a few hard WD's.

Also if you have access to a push bike, to pedal outside with some music helps me to no end.
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Old 12-12-2014, 03:19 PM
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I know you! You can do this xxxx
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