Effed Up Royally
 

I have been away from SR a while, and I ****** up royally over that time. A big part of me didn't want to confess my 'sins' and just fade off into the sunset. However, I didn't think it would be fair to be dishonest to the friends I made over the past several months.

It all started with a clean up of my house. I ran across a bottle of amphetamines, which was never a problem for me in the past. I thought that taking one wouldn't hurt because it would help me get caught up on the cleaning around my house (all of the **** I had been putting off since February). It was an old script in my name anyway, and this was a drug I had taken before without any problems. Blah, blah, blah...BS, BS, BS is what it really was. As soon as I took the first pill I knew it was going to be a ****** up ride. It took about two weeks to get up to 6 - 10 pills per day. I got a lot of cleaning done over those weeks.

Then the anxiety started getting to me. I resisted for a while and then I figured a Xanax would straighten me out. That turned into daily Xanax use for a couple weeks now, which was a cardinal sin for me. Never taking a benzo more than one day in a row was my 'unbreakable' rule. I figured booze might be better instead of the Xanax, but it just became an add on instead of a replacement. It hasn't been that long that I have been boozing and taking the benzos together so I doubt I have a physical dependence yet (slight finger shakes at ~24 hours out), but I definitely have a psychological dependence already. The fact I am getting finger shakes may be because I boozed so hard when I was younger and partying a lot. Now when I party I am the only one invited. I was honestly surprised to see that slip up on me so quickly, because it never happened before even after months of continuous use when I was younger.

If there was ever an addict on the planet that was an opi 'purist' it was me. I remember eating a fat juicy cheeseburger 20 mins after taking percs because that was the 'optimal' time to get the synergies. Before this experience I never really got alcohol or benzos. Sure, alcohol was fun if I was going out to party or something like that. The idea of being perpetually drunk was sickening, but I would have sold my soul to be permanently high on opis. In fact, I was such an opi purist that I would detest the thought of even having a single beer lest I 'taint' my perfect opi high. Benzos were even lower on the fun scale for me than alcohol. I figured it would be next to impossible for me to get addicted to them, because I honestly never got that 'feeling' from them. That 'feeling' I had been searching for my entire life was what I thought I found with opis.

Part of me wants to go back to shooting dope just to get rid of this misery. No offense to the alkies out there, but that always seemed like the bottom of the line for me. Maybe it is because of the fact that being drunk just didn't really do it for me. At least when I was shooting dope there were moments when I felt 'well/pretty good' (morning shot especially). Boozing is just ****** 24/7, but I am still doing it anyway - go figure. When I wake up in the morning I want to start pounding beers for breakfast. The fact of the matter was that no matter how many times other addicts to me that other drugs were just as dangerous as my DOC I just couldn't believe it. Seeing is believing though, and I hope that is one positive I can take from this.

I have an appointment in a couple weeks to see a doc about getting on ADs. About a week ago I procured some Wellbutrin and have been taking that. I actually think I started feeling it taking effect this morning. Yes - I have been taken ADs without a doctor's supervision, but I was also taking IV drugs bought off the street before this so I'm going to roll the dice on that one. We'll see what the doc has to say. It is a new doc so I'll be fine confessing all to him so long as he can get me to some semblance of stability. I could really care less about getting 'flagged' at this point.

As far as next steps go from here...I am really at a loss. I would go to rehab in a second if I could. My wife is incapable of caring for my children by herself though.

I am going to look up some local NA meetings, which helped in the past.

I really don't know what else to say. I knew better...I knew I was ******* up, but I did it anyway. If there is any shred of positivity in my recent nose dive it has been that I haven't picked up that needle again. Damn...it is calling though.

I'm sorry you're struggling OpioPhobe but I'm really glad you came back. I for one would have wondered what happened to you.

lol I've heard alcoholics talk of needle addicts as the end of the line/the bottom rung too...truth is (IMO) we're all in this together...

Addiction will get you anyway it can...if your familiar Option A is unavailable it'll happily scurry on over to Option B C... or Z....and it'll wait for option A to come round too.

I'm glad you're back and posting. You're a long way from being beaten yet OP.
I think NA is a good idea too :)

you can do this - we got your back :)

D

Oh opio I have been thinking about you for so long! But I must say I never thought about this. You seemed super strong.....but you know what? We are addicts and it doesn't take much for us to get addicted to something. I never spoke much about this on here...but I did the same damn thing! In between this last time and the time before that I started drinking heavily. It started with a bottle of beer and before you know it I was drinking a 5th of vodka every day! That's how quickly alcohol grabbed a hold of me.....and I don't really like it! I'll take a perc or Vic over alcohol any day! But it grabbed me just like it did you! The point is we are addicts.....so DOC means nothing! We could get addicted to coffee. I might be at this point!

But the main thing is you are back! You haven't given up! You didn't waste another year. Trust me......we know what it's like.....we do. You are not alone! No one is going to club you.....well I might club you for not checking in sooner! Just kidding.

We love you opio! You are a real asset to this board! Did you see I asked about you today on our thread? Maybe I'm psychic and don't know it! Ha!

Big huge hug to you! ((((((((((((Opiaphobe)))))))))

WELCOME BACK!!!!!!!!

I took drugs to increase my ability to drink alcohol.

Without alcohol, the "effect" of those drugs left me perplexed as to what the attraction was.

Same.... But different.

Doesn't matter what it is we use or prefer, we all do it for the same reason.

It shuts up that committee meeting in our heads, the internal mental struggle.
We feel a connection to the world, it's not such an insane place anyone, our troubles melt away.

All is well.... Until the next day or till the substance / booze wears off.

What lengths are you prepared to go to this time?

Sincerely and truly had enough with every fibre of your being?

Hi opio, I was just thinking about you too and very glad to see you're back. I can relate to everything you just said. When I got off of 30 vicodins a day 4 years ago, I just switched my addiction to beer. I thought I would never get addicted to beers , ever. Like you, nothing was as "wonderful" as my opiates. I couldn't understand the appeal.
However, we're addicts and we tend to take most substances to the extreme, and I even abuse coffee! I drink way too much and I admit I am completely addicted to it.
Does your wife know that you've had a set back?
I'm hoping you can get some help with this ASAP. I would really hate to see you pick up that needle ...
Don't beat yourself up about this either, we're addicts and most of us relapse. What's important is you've recognized what you've done and you're here asking for help.

I have a question though, what was happening in your head when you decided to use the amphetamines? Were you really fatigued or did you want to feel high? I think that's probably the bigger question and if you wanted to get high, what triggered it?

I know for me, my cravings are very intense when I start thinking of anything stressful because I was so used to popping a pill to solve my woes. Little did I realize I was just creating an even bigger problem than the credit card bills or my nosey in laws. Nothing is as stressful as fighting that monster voice every single day and telling it to basically STFU.

Thinking of you...

Hi Opio. I have been wondering where you have been. You were there for me so much during my early days of getting clean. I will never forget that. I'm sorry this happened to you. I think you are a strong person and I know you are strong enough to beat this. You taught me so much so I know you have the tools. Time to put them to work. You can do this. I never could drink. Lord knows I tried to. Alcohol puts me in pain. Pain in my stomach after one drink that is is unbearable. I think I was saved from a big big problem because of that. With the amount of acetaminophen I took in the Vic's, alcohol surely would have killed my liver.

Welcome back! Your honesty means so much. You can do this. Get to meetings, dump the drugs, get through the dts. You can do this

Opio see how much we all support you? So come back and see us! You have touched all of our lives opio, with your good sense, courage, thoughtfulness and insight....etc...we want to be here for you....like you have been here for us! :)

Thanks everyone. I do appreciate the support very much. It is good to here something positive from my SR friends.

Also, just to clarify, when I said "bottom of the line" with booze I was thinking about the fact that it is so accessible. The thought of having my DOC in my face everywhere I went was (is) terrifying. I didn't mean that in any sort of derogatory way about alkies.

Ashamed - to be honest I was using the amphetamines in the past because my opi habit got to the point that I was getting sedated throughout the day. Also, I would keep some around in case I sniffed too many OCs. There were a few times where that happened and I would sniff the amphetamines to keep me conscious. I had used them for a long time and never felt any pull from them nor did I get a 'high' from them - I just wasn't drooling on myself from the opis. If I had thought that I would have gotten 'high' from them I would have taken them all a long time ago anyway. There aren't any bottles of OCs / bundles of H hidden behind any bookshelves.

So I ran across an old bottle when going through a much needed cleaning of the house. When I took it I figured it would make me more awake, but I wasn't expecting to get high from it. I even took the first one orally. Like I was saying...if I had known I was going to get high from them they wouldn't have been lying around. Well, I became super Mr. Clean for the day. The next day I figured why not sniff one and get even more stuff done. It was all downhill from there.

In all honesty though, if I had known that they were going to get me as high as they did, I would have taken it anyway.

The wifey knows...I drink right in front of her. It is kind of ironic because she didn't care that much. I have been way more impaired throughout the day than I was on opis. The booze makes me very irritable and mean throughout the day. I'm not naturally a mean person so that part really bothers me. Heroin is just such a filthy drug in her mind that the differences in my behavior are pretty much irrelevant to her. Booze is OK to her, but opis (esp. Heroin) are bad. She was pissed about me drinking some special bottle of wine that she had. I didn't look at the label that closely (it was in French), but then I realized it must have been older because the cork crumbled when I tried to open it. It was a '94 model. I told her that it sucked and that I had had better bottles of Boone's Farm.

I am looking up meetings in the area and I know of one tomorrow afternoon that I could go to. I am going to get someone to watch the kids at meeting time. Luckily my wife has gotten her own **** together enough to be able to watch the children now. Maybe she would do that for me. I will have to make something up though so she doesn't know where I am going. The last time I told her that I had come from an NA meeting (back in 2012) she asked me "did you have fun hanging out with all your junkie friends". My only hesitation at all is that I have successfully broken all of my contacts for H already. To get it now I would have to cop off the street. I might try to go to an AA meeting instead.

I could have written your posts. I also considered myself a purist. But I wasn't like "those heroin users". I had a sterile supply of syringes and fentanyl....and a 2-3 mg/day habit (stuff comes in mcgs...)

So anyway, once I lost my job (and my supply), I turned to alcohol and amphetamines. And so it goes. My hubs didn't care that I was swilling vodka, as long as I wasn't shooting drugs (the hilarity of it all now that I think back).

There is little good NA in my town, and deals where happening in the parking lot, so I felt I couldn't go there. I went to AA. My sponsor is a recovered crackhead. I have worked the 12 steps (in my opinion the steps are like Baskin Robbins...there are 31 flavors but vanilla is the base that lends itself to the others....the Big Book). I also had a desire to stop drinking, so I rated membership! And alcohol is a drug.

So anyway. Even with little kids and a husband working full time, I managed to make my meetings. Hubby resented my meetings (like your wife sounds like she does) but he came around. He even got his white chip 18 months later and hasn't looked back. Life is pretty amazing now. But time takes time in the relationship department. I had to focus on me first. Otherwise I was not going to be a wife/parent/worker/friend.

Glad you are here.

Ive missed you too Opio. Im sorry to hear what happened, but I know you will turn this around. Its good you came back to SR, and I hope you know so many of us here care about you. Do what you need to do to get sorted out ok. You made me laugh a little talking about the old bottle of wine you drank and how it was awful ! But seriously I have faith in you, and I know you will learn from this and only be stronger as a result. ((hugs )) to you my friend.

Hi Opio, welcome back, you know we won't judge you here.

I hope this isn't judged as medical advice but please stay away from the benzo and booze combination, it's just so dangerous and has claimed so many people. Even if you develop a tolerance you can still go into respiratory depression.

Try and give yourself a chance to be sober mate, make the decision to keep drugs out of your life. If I found a bottle of codeine I would immediately flush it before even giving myself a chance to consider opening it. I believe you csn have the same kind of outlook, and I think it's necessary for those of us with addictive personalities.

You're always welcome here mate, please do use us for support.

Opio How are you?

Mama – thanks for asking.

Things have been improving as far as usage goes, but it isn’t a fun ride right now. Coming off the amphetamines was a lot worse than I was expecting. It spun me into a deep depression and also triggered a real feeling of ‘craziness’. I cut the amps down to 1 pill per day, which is an improvement from 6 to 10 pills. Part of the problem has been that I am a newbie at coming off the amps and the uncertainty isn’t helping.

I cut the booze down to about a 6 pack yesterday, which was a solid improvement. The booze was really contributing to the depression / psychosis I think, because I am feeling more ‘stable’ today. I cut the Xanax down to 2mg, which was also an improvement. The Xanax is the one thing that seems to help the most with the mental instability, which frightens me. I still feel like garbage, but it isn’t unbearable or anything.

I stopped the Wellbutrin this morning. It was screwing up my sleep I believe, and I think it was also throwing me into a pseudo nicotine withdrawal. Quitting smoking doesn’t even make the top ten priority list at this point. There will be no way to know for sure, and it’s not like I am a doctor. In fact, the thought of me being an MD reminds me of one of those Holiday Inn commercials except my line would be that I stayed in a Holiday Inn parking lot dumpster last night. That sums up my qualifications.

LostinHK – you are absolutely correct about the benzos and booze – if anything I should choose one and let the other one go. I wrote a note to the family the other night in case things didn’t work out. It wasn’t like I was doing it intentionally, but risk of overdose is one of those things that comes with the territory.

As far as next steps go I am waiting to get to a point of a semblance of mental stability before venturing out in public to a meeting. I have isolated myself at the moment out of concern for harming someone else around me. If I ran over somebody on the way to a meeting then I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

It is amazing how I did a 180 almost overnight. One thing that was bothering me since I quit the H in February was that I never went through a “grieving period”. I thought I had already been through it enough to be beyond that. Damn – it has nailed me over the past couple days. When I think back on my life there were very few times that I was truly ‘happy’. In the beginning with the opis was honestly the happiest time of my life. I feel ****** admitting that, but it is true. There were a few events in my life that compared (first time in love / sex, etc.), but those natural events were transient. The opis let me live life the way that I always dreamed it could be. It wasn’t like I went around drooling on myself all the time. I could go to work and kick ass. It allowed me to be the person I always wanted to be – happy, impervious to stress, and with an optimistic, can-do attitude no matter what life threw at me.

I thought that none of this mattered at this point in my life. It really comes down to whether I can find some life that has a semblance of meaning – one that is livable. The desire for that ‘bliss’ I once had would have to be reserved for hopes in an afterlife.

I first quit in February 2012 and more things got ****** up in my life then the 30 years prior to it. This go around was still be an downhill slide, but less steep than the last go around. The way I would sum things up was that my pre-20s sucked, 20s were awesome, and 30s have sucked so hard I don’t even have words for it. It just seems like I hit a peak and it is all downhill from here.

Sorry to be such a Debbie downer. I expected to need to eat a **** sandwich every once in a while, but if it is going to be a **** sandwich every ******* day for the rest of my life I am starting to not see the point of all this ****. Maybe they are just an acquired taste…

Opio, you left a note for your family? Don't you have children. I'm sorry my friend but you need to snap out of this. Don't you know what it would do to one of them to find you DEAD? Do you want your children to find your body? Opio YOU taught me so much about addict voice. YOU helped me learn how to defeat it. You know what's going on here. Now use the tools you have to beat it. If you can't, them go get the help you need to get out of this. Life is hard. It sucks sometimes but it can also be good and beautiful and you can do good things with it. You have a gift for helping others that are struggling. You helped me. I would rather eat **** sandwiches every day if it means my kids don't have to find my body! You can make your life whatever you want it to be. Is this what you want it to be?

Opi I sit somedays and wonder what this is life is about. Sometimes I feel like I'm just existing. Everyday the same mundane tasks. Making beds, washing dishes, sweeping, laundry, getting my son started in his homeschool classes. Taking care of the pets. I think is there something more? I think there is and I'm trying to find it but in the meantime I have people here who need me. You do to. Opio you don't want to die like that. You are worth so much more. You are smart and kind and you have a lot to offer to people and your SELF!!!

Opi I'm not trying to be hard on you. I'm just so fond of you it breaks my heart to see you struggle. I hate this demon and what it does to us! You have so much to offer. Just decide what you want and go get it opi. You can do it.

Well, like I said I wasn't suicidal or planning to do anything intentionally.

I just realize that it is a risk that I am taking. I took that risk every time I shot dope too. It wouldn't be fair for my children to only hear about their father from third parties. I thought it would be wrong to not explain things to them in my own words. If something were to happen to me then I would rather them at least have given them something written by mean that explained the situation to them. Almost every single person on here has risked their lives taking drugs. That is just what comes with the territory. Again, I don't want to check out early, but if something were to happen then I want them to hear my side of things.

If I could leave for a rehab right now I would do it! Hell - it would be like a ******* vacation from this place! I still do not have faith that my wife would be able to take care of my children in my absence though. Until I have that reassurance I am not going anywhere.

Is there anyone who could help take care of them?

There isn't anyone that can watch them. My wife's obnoxious attitude has literally run off every friend that I had. Some of those friendships took decades to cultivate and she destroyed them in minutes with her overbearing, entitled attitude. My wife's mother is a basket case who tried to commit suicide when she was very young. There is no way that my kids are staying with her. My parents are a long way away, and I will never confess my sins to my parents - that will NEVER happen.

As of this moment, my wife has been taking some responsibility with them and doing a good job. However, there is no way in hell I would trust her to take care of them for 30 days or so.

To be perfectly candid, the only reason I would go to rehab would be to get away for a while. I literally worked an average of 90 hours / week for all of my 20s and never took any time for myself. My vacations were spent taking care of my wife during surgeries. It was a really ******* stressful existence.

Even though I am struggling right now I don't have any life threatening withdrawal issues staring me in the face. I'll be fine.

To be honest, I think every parent should write a note to their children. Not a 'suicide' note per se, but it's not like we are immortal. I could be walking down the street tomorrow and get run over by a bus. There are things that I would like my children to hear directly from me, in my own words, about my love for them. I don't want it to be filtered by someone else.