Effed Up Royally
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Originally Posted by OpioPhobe 
If I was a cat I would be on my 9th life right now. As everyone has probably assumed by now the 'detox' didn't happen. What can I say? My heart just wasn't into it. Sure, part of me wanted to quit, but I didn't have anything close to a burning desire to quit. With everyday being almost exactly the same dull day as the one before, it is hard to reach a point where I could say "today is the day damn it!"
Today was the kick in the ass I needed, and I am still shaking thinking about it. There were times that I had close calls with ODs, and I must say that the only one that really scared me was my one coke OD. That was a terrifying experience in the ER to watch my heart beats on the monitor running about 190. It was even more terrifying when it started showing the palpitations and then all sorts of other things on the screen that your heart isn't supposed to do. There is something strange about feeling your heart do something 'weird' and then you look up and say 'damn...that doesn't look right." With the opi near misses I just never felt that level of terror. To be perfectly candid, I think I secretly felt some kind of reverence for an opi OD. If you are going to go then it is right up there with the way to go out.
I didn't OD today, but I got a bad cut. As luck would have it I got a higher gauge rig than I am used to working with, and as I drew up the H something looked a little off. The liquid didn't really pull through the filter that well, but I was able to get a full rig after the third pull. Then bam - the rig clogged. This was a brand new rig so I figured something was off. As the liquid cooled down the murkiness quickly turned to what looked like a mixture of sand / cement. I pulled the plunger out and the rig was basically one huge clog of cement. Maybe the higher gauge needle wouldn't have made any difference, but I would have been in rough shape if that rig hadn't clogged. It would have been a miserable death too I suspect, or even worse. The idea of having a massive stroke and waking up as a vegetable is the kind of thing that really gets to me. I can understand rolling the dice into the abyss of death, but the thought of being a vegetable is a terror beyond comprehension. This definitely shook me up way more than any of the close calls did.
After it happened I called my "guy" over and showed him the rig with the ******** still in it. I told him that this is how people get killed, and that I was done with the ****. He didn't really understand what I was talking about because he only sniffs it. His response was something like "well what is it supposed to look like?" I then told him the story I saw online about a dealer that sold some H that had Hep C in it. How someone would get Hep C into a batch of H is beyond me anyway. Do they just cut themselves and bleed out into the brick or something? Anyway, one of the online guy's customers showed up a few weeks later and told him that he got Hep C from one of his balloons. He put a .357 to the online guy's head and made him share a Hep C filled rig with him. That is the ultimate revenge on a dealer I suppose. I am a nice guy and wouldn't do anything like that, but I think my dealer got the gist of the story.
Is this one of those moments of swearing everything off that I forget about first thing tomorrow? I really hope not, but I feel more motivated that I have in a long, long time. I have had a lot of those swearing off moments, but today I feel like it is backed up with a resolve to follow through. There are serious issues that I have to resolve with my family structure going forward. I have seen the writing on the wall for a while now, but I just couldn't find the courage to do what I think needs to be done to resolve the situation. This last run was really just a way for me to pretend that everything was OK in the real world when it wasn't. It was my desperate way of putting of what seems to be inevitable. I have to face those issues sober, and it is going to be a tough, tough road. Damn...one day at a time I guess. It is the only road I have left at this point though. As much as I spout off about rolling the dice into the abyss I am not ready for that yet.
At this point my plan is to use the remaining methadone to get through the detox. I might go down in flames, but this time I am going to give it everything I got. If I fail at that then I will go back to a sub doctor. If I fail at that then I will go to the methadone clinic. If I fail at that then I guess I will have to just pack my **** and run away to rehab. If all of the above fail then I don't know what to say. I guess I am ******.
I'll check in daily going forward. It definitely helps my motivation when I get on SR. When I was screwing up it was too much for me to get on. I guess I was ashamed, and didn't really feel like I belonged. If I am not going to put forth more than a half-assed effort then what was the point?
Marcus - do you have a crystal ball or what? You mentioned that with H it is life or death at some point earlier on the thread, and you weren't BSing. So far you have been right about the DIY methadone too. It hasn't been working out too well. I am not sure any method would have saved me this last go around. A half-assed effort is doomed to fail no matter what. Oh, if you do have a crystal ball you can always PM me with stock tips.
Today was the kick in the ass I needed, and I am still shaking thinking about it. There were times that I had close calls with ODs, and I must say that the only one that really scared me was my one coke OD. That was a terrifying experience in the ER to watch my heart beats on the monitor running about 190. It was even more terrifying when it started showing the palpitations and then all sorts of other things on the screen that your heart isn't supposed to do. There is something strange about feeling your heart do something 'weird' and then you look up and say 'damn...that doesn't look right." With the opi near misses I just never felt that level of terror. To be perfectly candid, I think I secretly felt some kind of reverence for an opi OD. If you are going to go then it is right up there with the way to go out.
I didn't OD today, but I got a bad cut. As luck would have it I got a higher gauge rig than I am used to working with, and as I drew up the H something looked a little off. The liquid didn't really pull through the filter that well, but I was able to get a full rig after the third pull. Then bam - the rig clogged. This was a brand new rig so I figured something was off. As the liquid cooled down the murkiness quickly turned to what looked like a mixture of sand / cement. I pulled the plunger out and the rig was basically one huge clog of cement. Maybe the higher gauge needle wouldn't have made any difference, but I would have been in rough shape if that rig hadn't clogged. It would have been a miserable death too I suspect, or even worse. The idea of having a massive stroke and waking up as a vegetable is the kind of thing that really gets to me. I can understand rolling the dice into the abyss of death, but the thought of being a vegetable is a terror beyond comprehension. This definitely shook me up way more than any of the close calls did.
After it happened I called my "guy" over and showed him the rig with the ******** still in it. I told him that this is how people get killed, and that I was done with the ****. He didn't really understand what I was talking about because he only sniffs it. His response was something like "well what is it supposed to look like?" I then told him the story I saw online about a dealer that sold some H that had Hep C in it. How someone would get Hep C into a batch of H is beyond me anyway. Do they just cut themselves and bleed out into the brick or something? Anyway, one of the online guy's customers showed up a few weeks later and told him that he got Hep C from one of his balloons. He put a .357 to the online guy's head and made him share a Hep C filled rig with him. That is the ultimate revenge on a dealer I suppose. I am a nice guy and wouldn't do anything like that, but I think my dealer got the gist of the story.
Is this one of those moments of swearing everything off that I forget about first thing tomorrow? I really hope not, but I feel more motivated that I have in a long, long time. I have had a lot of those swearing off moments, but today I feel like it is backed up with a resolve to follow through. There are serious issues that I have to resolve with my family structure going forward. I have seen the writing on the wall for a while now, but I just couldn't find the courage to do what I think needs to be done to resolve the situation. This last run was really just a way for me to pretend that everything was OK in the real world when it wasn't. It was my desperate way of putting of what seems to be inevitable. I have to face those issues sober, and it is going to be a tough, tough road. Damn...one day at a time I guess. It is the only road I have left at this point though. As much as I spout off about rolling the dice into the abyss I am not ready for that yet.
At this point my plan is to use the remaining methadone to get through the detox. I might go down in flames, but this time I am going to give it everything I got. If I fail at that then I will go back to a sub doctor. If I fail at that then I will go to the methadone clinic. If I fail at that then I guess I will have to just pack my **** and run away to rehab. If all of the above fail then I don't know what to say. I guess I am ******.
I'll check in daily going forward. It definitely helps my motivation when I get on SR. When I was screwing up it was too much for me to get on. I guess I was ashamed, and didn't really feel like I belonged. If I am not going to put forth more than a half-assed effort then what was the point?
Marcus - do you have a crystal ball or what? You mentioned that with H it is life or death at some point earlier on the thread, and you weren't BSing. So far you have been right about the DIY methadone too. It hasn't been working out too well. I am not sure any method would have saved me this last go around. A half-assed effort is doomed to fail no matter what. Oh, if you do have a crystal ball you can always PM me with stock tips.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
All -
I return hat in hand with my tail firmly between my legs. Things have not been going well since my last post. The detox failed miserably, and now I am in deeper than ever before.
I am sorry that I dropped of the radar for so long without checking in with someone on SR. A big part of that was just not knowing what to say. It is very strange for me to post while still using. In a way, it seems offensive to just drop in while still using. Maybe I was concerned that it would come across as being supportive of using? When I was on the other side of the fence the last thing I would have wanted to hear was "hey guys...still using...see ya later." It isn't something that I am taking lightly. This go around has been train wreck. It is wearing on me heavily.
When I relapsed I made the error of assuming that I would go back to where I was at the end of the last period of using. While that was true early on during the process, I failed to realize just how much worst it would get. It wasn't about going back to where I was before...it is about getting worst than I was before. It always gets worse.
I am going to be making another run at detox very soon. There is no way that I am going to be able to continue down my current path much longer. Maybe it was inevitable that things needed to get much worse for me to have a shot at getting through detox. It becomes easier to make it through that hell when you know that continuing to use is a hell in itself.
I just started going back to AA meetings this week. It is weird being there while I am still using, but I am just hoping something sticks. Also, I am hoping to get some sober friends that I can call on for support when things get tough. I know that I have to change something up from the last go around. Otherwise I will fall into the same trap that I did this time.
I browsed through some of the other posts and it is good to see that others are still doing well. I am happy for you. I mean that sincerely...not in a jealous dick kind of way. Don't **** up and throw it all away like I did.
I return hat in hand with my tail firmly between my legs. Things have not been going well since my last post. The detox failed miserably, and now I am in deeper than ever before.
I am sorry that I dropped of the radar for so long without checking in with someone on SR. A big part of that was just not knowing what to say. It is very strange for me to post while still using. In a way, it seems offensive to just drop in while still using. Maybe I was concerned that it would come across as being supportive of using? When I was on the other side of the fence the last thing I would have wanted to hear was "hey guys...still using...see ya later." It isn't something that I am taking lightly. This go around has been train wreck. It is wearing on me heavily.
When I relapsed I made the error of assuming that I would go back to where I was at the end of the last period of using. While that was true early on during the process, I failed to realize just how much worst it would get. It wasn't about going back to where I was before...it is about getting worst than I was before. It always gets worse.
I am going to be making another run at detox very soon. There is no way that I am going to be able to continue down my current path much longer. Maybe it was inevitable that things needed to get much worse for me to have a shot at getting through detox. It becomes easier to make it through that hell when you know that continuing to use is a hell in itself.
I just started going back to AA meetings this week. It is weird being there while I am still using, but I am just hoping something sticks. Also, I am hoping to get some sober friends that I can call on for support when things get tough. I know that I have to change something up from the last go around. Otherwise I will fall into the same trap that I did this time.
I browsed through some of the other posts and it is good to see that others are still doing well. I am happy for you. I mean that sincerely...not in a jealous dick kind of way. Don't **** up and throw it all away like I did.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Good to hear from you my friend. Unfortunately most of us didn't come here because life was going so good and we were having a blast using. Trust me dope is hard to quit. I struggled for years and years and years. Got some sober time then started getting in my own way. I would think well if I just drink and don't do ANY drugs I can pull it together. I am older and wiser now!! That usually lasted a month or two and I was back to morning drinking or scoring dope every day.
For me (again just for me) I just can not survive out there without the support of AA. I know I don't preach it a lot because I think people need to find what works for them, but if you are truly struggling and can't stay sober on your own and your life just keeps getting worse it might be time to grab on for dear life. That same routine I had of using has been replaced with recovery. Normally I hit the 6:30 am meeting before work so I can be home with the family at night. Tonight is my wanderers group at one of the guy's houses. Best meeting of the week usually. Then another men's step or daily reflections meeting on Saturday and Sunday.
This site is another tool, but for people as sick as you and me (sorry but you sound like you are there man) we need more. Where else can you be feeling anxious and having using thoughts and find face to face support within 20 minutes of your house that starts in the next hour or two.
Yep kicking is going to suck, but the worst of it is over before you know it (I know it does not feel that way when you are in it). If you can't do inpatient detox I would try to at least get yourself out of the house and away from the wife and kids. Again just a suggestion. I detoxed in many a hotel room back in my day. Don't mess with the methadone or suboxone if you don't absolutely have to. Your body will recover - just takes a little time. Try not to project or dwell on the past. Stay in the moment. Stay in today. It can be done. I hear the dope is getting stronger out there - you don't want your wife and baby to find you in bed DEAD with a needle sticking out of your arm. I am not saying that jokingly either - this is a life and death situation whether you want to admit it or not. Today I choose life!!! Take Care!!!
For me (again just for me) I just can not survive out there without the support of AA. I know I don't preach it a lot because I think people need to find what works for them, but if you are truly struggling and can't stay sober on your own and your life just keeps getting worse it might be time to grab on for dear life. That same routine I had of using has been replaced with recovery. Normally I hit the 6:30 am meeting before work so I can be home with the family at night. Tonight is my wanderers group at one of the guy's houses. Best meeting of the week usually. Then another men's step or daily reflections meeting on Saturday and Sunday.
This site is another tool, but for people as sick as you and me (sorry but you sound like you are there man) we need more. Where else can you be feeling anxious and having using thoughts and find face to face support within 20 minutes of your house that starts in the next hour or two.
Yep kicking is going to suck, but the worst of it is over before you know it (I know it does not feel that way when you are in it). If you can't do inpatient detox I would try to at least get yourself out of the house and away from the wife and kids. Again just a suggestion. I detoxed in many a hotel room back in my day. Don't mess with the methadone or suboxone if you don't absolutely have to. Your body will recover - just takes a little time. Try not to project or dwell on the past. Stay in the moment. Stay in today. It can be done. I hear the dope is getting stronger out there - you don't want your wife and baby to find you in bed DEAD with a needle sticking out of your arm. I am not saying that jokingly either - this is a life and death situation whether you want to admit it or not. Today I choose life!!! Take Care!!!
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
Marcus -
I just started going back to AA meetings this week. It is weird being there while I am still using, but I am just hoping something sticks. Also, I am hoping to get some sober friends that I can call on for support when things get tough. I know that I have to change something up from the last go around. Otherwise I will fall into the same trap that I did this time. edit - Sorry Marcus. I read things wrong. Just ignore me.... More coffee is required I think. 
Originally Posted by OpioPhobe
I just started going back to AA meetings this week. It is weird being there while I am still using, but I am just hoping something sticks. Also, I am hoping to get some sober friends that I can call on for support when things get tough. I know that I have to change something up from the last go around. Otherwise I will fall into the same trap that I did this time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by Marcus
Good to hear from you my friend. Unfortunately most of us didn't come here because life was going so good and we were having a blast using. Trust me dope is hard to quit. I struggled for years and years and years. Got some sober time then started getting in my own way. I would think well if I just drink and don't do ANY drugs I can pull it together. I am older and wiser now!! That usually lasted a month or two and I was back to morning drinking or scoring dope every day.
For me (again just for me) I just can not survive out there without the support of AA. I know I don't preach it a lot because I think people need to find what works for them, but if you are truly struggling and can't stay sober on your own and your life just keeps getting worse it might be time to grab on for dear life. That same routine I had of using has been replaced with recovery. Normally I hit the 6:30 am meeting before work so I can be home with the family at night. Tonight is my wanderers group at one of the guy's houses. Best meeting of the week usually. Then another men's step or daily reflections meeting on Saturday and Sunday.
This site is another tool, but for people as sick as you and me (sorry but you sound like you are there man) we need more. Where else can you be feeling anxious and having using thoughts and find face to face support within 20 minutes of your house that starts in the next hour or two.
Yep kicking is going to suck, but the worst of it is over before you know it (I know it does not feel that way when you are in it). If you can't do inpatient detox I would try to at least get yourself out of the house and away from the wife and kids. Again just a suggestion. I detoxed in many a hotel room back in my day. Don't mess with the methadone or suboxone if you don't absolutely have to. Your body will recover - just takes a little time. Try not to project or dwell on the past. Stay in the moment. Stay in today. It can be done. I hear the dope is getting stronger out there - you don't want your wife and baby to find you in bed DEAD with a needle sticking out of your arm. I am not saying that jokingly either - this is a life and death situation whether you want to admit it or not. Today I choose life!!! Take Care!!!
For me (again just for me) I just can not survive out there without the support of AA. I know I don't preach it a lot because I think people need to find what works for them, but if you are truly struggling and can't stay sober on your own and your life just keeps getting worse it might be time to grab on for dear life. That same routine I had of using has been replaced with recovery. Normally I hit the 6:30 am meeting before work so I can be home with the family at night. Tonight is my wanderers group at one of the guy's houses. Best meeting of the week usually. Then another men's step or daily reflections meeting on Saturday and Sunday.
This site is another tool, but for people as sick as you and me (sorry but you sound like you are there man) we need more. Where else can you be feeling anxious and having using thoughts and find face to face support within 20 minutes of your house that starts in the next hour or two.
Yep kicking is going to suck, but the worst of it is over before you know it (I know it does not feel that way when you are in it). If you can't do inpatient detox I would try to at least get yourself out of the house and away from the wife and kids. Again just a suggestion. I detoxed in many a hotel room back in my day. Don't mess with the methadone or suboxone if you don't absolutely have to. Your body will recover - just takes a little time. Try not to project or dwell on the past. Stay in the moment. Stay in today. It can be done. I hear the dope is getting stronger out there - you don't want your wife and baby to find you in bed DEAD with a needle sticking out of your arm. I am not saying that jokingly either - this is a life and death situation whether you want to admit it or not. Today I choose life!!! Take Care!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Sorry Lethe I guess I missed something? Anyway my point being I think it is great he is getting back to meetings. I sure need them. Yes all you need is the desire to stop to attend meetings, but eventually the sobriety part is quite important too.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
glad to see this post from you Opio.
Don't even get me started on "to post or not to post" thing.
Yeah, plenty of people post here while using and ya know...I used
to have stronger thoughts on that. <---Read that as WRONG THOUGHTS.
As the person is still a human being with heaps of experience, strength and hope. Sorry but that isn't only for "recovered" people. If I were to dismiss all the ESH, I doubt I'd be clean (well over a year! woohoo!
)
My first buddy on here was using. Didn't matter to me....I was just needing some feedback and a shoulder.
Anywho...take care man. We lurve ya!
Don't even get me started on "to post or not to post" thing.
Yeah, plenty of people post here while using and ya know...I used
to have stronger thoughts on that. <---Read that as WRONG THOUGHTS.
As the person is still a human being with heaps of experience, strength and hope. Sorry but that isn't only for "recovered" people. If I were to dismiss all the ESH, I doubt I'd be clean (well over a year! woohoo!
)My first buddy on here was using. Didn't matter to me....I was just needing some feedback and a shoulder.
Anywho...take care man. We lurve ya!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Opio,
I was afraid to post here while using and it may have kept me from getting the support I needed because it was a whole year after I registered here that I finally got into recovery. That was a waste of a year!
It looks like there are plenty who want you to post!
(((Opio))) Welcome back Dear Friend! I missed you!
I was afraid to post here while using and it may have kept me from getting the support I needed because it was a whole year after I registered here that I finally got into recovery. That was a waste of a year!
It looks like there are plenty who want you to post!
(((Opio))) Welcome back Dear Friend! I missed you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
Opio. Glad you are here. I can relate to your struggles with posting while still out there/on the fence etc.
And I did the same thing. I was observing my recovery and my failures out loud on this forum. And people cared and hoped and gave me ideas and inspiration and told me to keep posting.
You are loved exactly as you are. For me to judge a struggling addict who is putting it on the line and trying and risking embarrassment would be terrible and hypercritical. No amount of clean time should make me get up on a horse and look down at someone who is trying.
I'm so very proud of you
And I think your gonna get it soon.
And I did the same thing. I was observing my recovery and my failures out loud on this forum. And people cared and hoped and gave me ideas and inspiration and told me to keep posting.
You are loved exactly as you are. For me to judge a struggling addict who is putting it on the line and trying and risking embarrassment would be terrible and hypercritical. No amount of clean time should make me get up on a horse and look down at someone who is trying.
I'm so very proud of you
And I think your gonna get it soon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
It made my day to hear from everyone. I appreciate the support and it is good to know that people care.
Today I made another AA meeting, and it was so-so. I have found that some meetings are much better than others. It was definitely good for me to get out of the house anyway. I am just going to keep trying different ones until I have a solid schedule for the week. Also, I am going to drop in to a few NA meetings to see if I can find something there. The one I went to in the area previously was a real turnoff versus AA, but I am sure there are some solid ones out there if I look hard enough. Anyway, I am not going to get too hung up on AA vs NA. I just need something that will help.
Today was a little better, but I have just really been down this week. The drugs are a huge part of it obviously, but it is broader problem. I just sense that I lost my direction in life, and I am having trouble finding it again. One thing at a time though, and one day at a time. Until I get sober I am not going to even be able to start putting the pieces of the puzzle back together.
Marcus - I'll be straight up and say that I can't go through a cold turkey kick right now. I just don't have it in me at the moment. Inpatient would be ideal, but I have to be available to make sure my kids are taken care of (sick or not). After writing this I realize that a hotel is even out of the question. I am just going to have to deal with it, and take care of my responsibilities. I did it before and I'll be able to do it again. Tomorrow I am hoping to have some methadone. If not, then I should be able to get some suboxone. Either way, I can't keep waiting. Being in a holding pattern is a big problem, and is contributing to me being down.
Also, I am going to get in to my doctor to hopefully get some clonidine. I haven't used clonidine before, and I hear mixed reviews. It is the kicking / twitching / nervous energy feeling that I tend to dread the most. From what I have heard the clonidine helps most with that part of it. Also, I am going to bite the bullet and ask for some ADs while I am in there. That has been on my mind for a while, and it is time for me to give them a day in court.
If there is any positive out of my current situation it is that I really do want to be done with the opis forever. Even at the time of my relapse I looked at them as a last resort, and knew I was going to get my ass handed to me. If I can get to a point where life is manageable I am very hopeful. That is a world of difference from where I was back in 2012 when I quit the first time. It was terrifying to think of life without opis then.
Anyway, I am looking forward to getting to the other side. Today I thought back to the second NA meeting I ever went to, and I met a guy who told me about going through withdrawal three times before it stuck. At the time it was the first time I was making it through withdrawal (after almost 10 years of using), and I remember being shocked at how anyone could ever go back after making it through. It seemed unfathomable to me at the time. To go through it three times seemed even crazier. I said to myself that he must be a real nutjob or an idiot, and that I better steer clear of him. Now here I am about to go through it the third time. I am happy to know that I am not as judgmental as I once was. Maybe this addiction was God's way of teaching me humility. I still have work to do in that department, but I have come a long way. The third time is a charm, right?
Today I made another AA meeting, and it was so-so. I have found that some meetings are much better than others. It was definitely good for me to get out of the house anyway. I am just going to keep trying different ones until I have a solid schedule for the week. Also, I am going to drop in to a few NA meetings to see if I can find something there. The one I went to in the area previously was a real turnoff versus AA, but I am sure there are some solid ones out there if I look hard enough. Anyway, I am not going to get too hung up on AA vs NA. I just need something that will help.
Today was a little better, but I have just really been down this week. The drugs are a huge part of it obviously, but it is broader problem. I just sense that I lost my direction in life, and I am having trouble finding it again. One thing at a time though, and one day at a time. Until I get sober I am not going to even be able to start putting the pieces of the puzzle back together.
Marcus - I'll be straight up and say that I can't go through a cold turkey kick right now. I just don't have it in me at the moment. Inpatient would be ideal, but I have to be available to make sure my kids are taken care of (sick or not). After writing this I realize that a hotel is even out of the question. I am just going to have to deal with it, and take care of my responsibilities. I did it before and I'll be able to do it again. Tomorrow I am hoping to have some methadone. If not, then I should be able to get some suboxone. Either way, I can't keep waiting. Being in a holding pattern is a big problem, and is contributing to me being down.
Also, I am going to get in to my doctor to hopefully get some clonidine. I haven't used clonidine before, and I hear mixed reviews. It is the kicking / twitching / nervous energy feeling that I tend to dread the most. From what I have heard the clonidine helps most with that part of it. Also, I am going to bite the bullet and ask for some ADs while I am in there. That has been on my mind for a while, and it is time for me to give them a day in court.
If there is any positive out of my current situation it is that I really do want to be done with the opis forever. Even at the time of my relapse I looked at them as a last resort, and knew I was going to get my ass handed to me. If I can get to a point where life is manageable I am very hopeful. That is a world of difference from where I was back in 2012 when I quit the first time. It was terrifying to think of life without opis then.
Anyway, I am looking forward to getting to the other side. Today I thought back to the second NA meeting I ever went to, and I met a guy who told me about going through withdrawal three times before it stuck. At the time it was the first time I was making it through withdrawal (after almost 10 years of using), and I remember being shocked at how anyone could ever go back after making it through. It seemed unfathomable to me at the time. To go through it three times seemed even crazier. I said to myself that he must be a real nutjob or an idiot, and that I better steer clear of him. Now here I am about to go through it the third time. I am happy to know that I am not as judgmental as I once was. Maybe this addiction was God's way of teaching me humility. I still have work to do in that department, but I have come a long way. The third time is a charm, right?
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