Effed Up Royally
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Well, it is really just a warm up. I am only taking the subs for a couple days and then letting the chips fall where they may. It will be time to go through the ringer again, but I at least have a couple days to catch my breath. The hardest part is yet to come, but it does feel good to have some of the withdrawal out of my system.
****** news on the home front. My wife got cut off from her doctor. There is no way that she will be able to get in to see another doctor before her meds run out. I really hope I can get her in inpatient if that is the case. This came as a complete surprise to me. She missed so many appointments the doctor just got pissed and dropped her. I even tried to speak with the doctor last time I was there to express some concerns I had. She could have taken 5 minutes to talk to me, and tell me what they were contemplating. Even without all of the facts in front of me I am sure they warned her on multiple occasions. That being said, it is ridiculous that they don't at least see her until she has a new doctor. I mean, she is going to end up in the psych ward or else she will off herself if they just cut her off of everything. Naturally, all of this **** is going to fall back on me. I can't have a repeat of last year. There were a few nights in particular where I was close to calling the police. She was suicidal and potentially homicidal. I intentionally kept the children away from her over that period of a week or so. Actually, some of my old posts captured the turmoil at the time.
Maybe it will work out for the best. I am going to drop by the doctor's office and ask them what the **** they are thinking.
TOD - you cursed me with all your talk about **** falling apart when you are looking to detox! Look at what you caused to happen to me. Just kidding of course...sometimes sarcasm is lost in translation with the written word.
****** news on the home front. My wife got cut off from her doctor. There is no way that she will be able to get in to see another doctor before her meds run out. I really hope I can get her in inpatient if that is the case. This came as a complete surprise to me. She missed so many appointments the doctor just got pissed and dropped her. I even tried to speak with the doctor last time I was there to express some concerns I had. She could have taken 5 minutes to talk to me, and tell me what they were contemplating. Even without all of the facts in front of me I am sure they warned her on multiple occasions. That being said, it is ridiculous that they don't at least see her until she has a new doctor. I mean, she is going to end up in the psych ward or else she will off herself if they just cut her off of everything. Naturally, all of this **** is going to fall back on me. I can't have a repeat of last year. There were a few nights in particular where I was close to calling the police. She was suicidal and potentially homicidal. I intentionally kept the children away from her over that period of a week or so. Actually, some of my old posts captured the turmoil at the time.
Maybe it will work out for the best. I am going to drop by the doctor's office and ask them what the **** they are thinking.
TOD - you cursed me with all your talk about **** falling apart when you are looking to detox! Look at what you caused to happen to me. Just kidding of course...sometimes sarcasm is lost in translation with the written word.
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Sorry to see you have a lot going on with your wife. 
Are you sure you want to write off sub for maintenance? All you need to do is go to suboxone.com and search for a doctor in your area. I know how you feel about doctors in general, but hey you never know....you might find one that clicks with you and can halfway trust? With all that going on with your wife it would buy you a little more time? I promise I dont work for them.....but I have to credit sub for setting me on course....and for making it so much easier! I want that for you Opio.
Are you sure you want to write off sub for maintenance? All you need to do is go to suboxone.com and search for a doctor in your area. I know how you feel about doctors in general, but hey you never know....you might find one that clicks with you and can halfway trust? With all that going on with your wife it would buy you a little more time? I promise I dont work for them.....but I have to credit sub for setting me on course....and for making it so much easier! I want that for you Opio.
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
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Originally Posted by OpioPhobe 
TOD - you cursed me with all your talk about **** falling apart when you are looking to detox! Look at what you caused to happen to me. Just kidding of course...sometimes sarcasm is lost in translation with the written word.
Being off that crap will help you to stay in more control of yourself while dealing with this crazy stuff surrounding your wife!
I totally agree with CleaninLI in reference to maybe staying on the subs longer to get thru this with your wife's concerns!
TOD
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I have considered it, but I really don't have any interest in dealing with a suboxone withdrawal. Kicking heroin is hard enough, and if I go the suboxone route I have concerns that I will be stuck their forever. Things are stressful now, but they will always be stressful. In fact, there is no guarantee that they won't be considerably worse when I would be looking to get off the subs. It seems that things have been in a downhill spiral ever since I decided to quit back in 2012. There have been some upturns, but overall it hasn't gone well. Maybe I am just not cut out for marriage / kids.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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Originally Posted by OpioPhobe
I have considered it, but I really don't have any interest in dealing with a suboxone withdrawal. Kicking heroin is hard enough, and if I go the suboxone route I have concerns that I will be stuck their forever. Things are stressful now, but they will always be stressful. In fact, there is no guarantee that they won't be considerably worse when I would be looking to get off the subs. It seems that things have been in a downhill spiral ever since I decided to quit back in 2012. There have been some upturns, but overall it hasn't gone well. Maybe I am just not cut out for marriage / kids.
And Blah Blah Blah on the not cut out for kids and marriage! Go feed that bologne to the Farmers animals! You know better!
TOD
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Clean - sorry for the short, borderline obnoxious response last night. I know that in one of my PMs I had mentioned that I was considering it so it wasn't appropriate for me to be so dismissive. For whatever reason I was feeling down last night. Today has been more of the same. Maybe the mental downturn was just delayed?
I am livid at the doctors up here. The one doctor ****** my wife over, and now I have to bear the brunt of the consequences. A different doctor I was seeing called CPS on me when I discussed my using with him. I came to that bastard for help, and I ended up getting severe problems in return. He mentioned that his license would be at stake, which first off is ********. Second, he has some real nerve to talk about his license when I am talking about my children. What did he expect me to think "oh, well that make everything fine. I would hate for your precious license to be in jeopardy." I may get my counsel involved in the matter, but the last thing I need is to waste more time on that *******. The disclosure agreement I signed with him said that he can divulge information to proper government authorities if requested by such authorities. It doesn't say **** about him taking action on his own to throw me under the bus.
The thing is that I knew better than to trust the doctors and to be honest with them. I will never make the same mistake again, and it is the last time I ever tell a doctor anything about my past. To think that I took such a risk in order to have some shrink that I could talk to. I am furious with myself for letting my guard down. There is a reason that 'addicts' lie, and it is to avoid persecution by assholes bent on ******* us over! The whole thing was a complete ******* waste of time anyway. All I did was talk to the guy. What good is talking going to do me? I need a game plan with action items, not someone to talk about my problems with. I already know what the problems are, and rehashing them just makes it all the more stressful. Well, I learned my lesson on this one, and I will never let my guard down again.
I am livid at the doctors up here. The one doctor ****** my wife over, and now I have to bear the brunt of the consequences. A different doctor I was seeing called CPS on me when I discussed my using with him. I came to that bastard for help, and I ended up getting severe problems in return. He mentioned that his license would be at stake, which first off is ********. Second, he has some real nerve to talk about his license when I am talking about my children. What did he expect me to think "oh, well that make everything fine. I would hate for your precious license to be in jeopardy." I may get my counsel involved in the matter, but the last thing I need is to waste more time on that *******. The disclosure agreement I signed with him said that he can divulge information to proper government authorities if requested by such authorities. It doesn't say **** about him taking action on his own to throw me under the bus.
The thing is that I knew better than to trust the doctors and to be honest with them. I will never make the same mistake again, and it is the last time I ever tell a doctor anything about my past. To think that I took such a risk in order to have some shrink that I could talk to. I am furious with myself for letting my guard down. There is a reason that 'addicts' lie, and it is to avoid persecution by assholes bent on ******* us over! The whole thing was a complete ******* waste of time anyway. All I did was talk to the guy. What good is talking going to do me? I need a game plan with action items, not someone to talk about my problems with. I already know what the problems are, and rehashing them just makes it all the more stressful. Well, I learned my lesson on this one, and I will never let my guard down again.
Last edited by OpioPhobe; 02-25-2015 at 03:10 PM. Reason: typo
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******* hell where in the world do you go to the doctors? Sounds like a fascist regime.
Re your other point maybe you aren't cut out for marriage I know I'm not I'm still a lunatic even without drugs. You can still be an ace dad though.
Re your other point maybe you aren't cut out for marriage I know I'm not I'm still a lunatic even without drugs. You can still be an ace dad though.
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RedManc - lol...you just made my day with the fascist regime comment. I haven't smiled much less laughed up to this point. Yes, I should make up a fake NSDAP membership card and send it to them under the guise of 'honorary' membership.
I definitely take my duties as being a father more seriously at this point. It is tough to be a good spouse if your other half isn't at least partially responsive / reasonable.
You know, I was just thinking about it, and a doctor could make a mint these days if they did things right. I almost want to go to medical school to take advantage of opportunities I see. All a doctor would have to do is to make house calls for wealthy clients on a cash only basis. That would let you run things at almost no overhead cost. You wouldn't have an office to pay rent on, no wages for staff, no costs of computer programs to deal with insurers, no denied payments, etc. You would only need a cell phone, and you would need to be available 24/7. I bet you could easily get a $200 minimum for making a house call. Think about times when you were really sick and needed to see the doctor. Who wants to deal with driving to the office, waiting once you get there, etc. etc. You would also avoid getting sick from the other people at the doctor's office. All you do is make a call, and then stay in bed until the doctor gets there. Also, the client gets the added benefit of discretion.
If you really wanted to hit a home run the doctor could do at home detoxs for a flat rate. I bet you could get $10k per detox if it was the right clients. You would need an assistant, and would need someone staying with the client 24/7 for the first few days anyway. Again, the client gets the benefit of discretion.
I don't see that happening soon, but the current state of the health care system in the States is an utter farce. It is better if you are in Manhattan, but around here the doctors are a complete joke. You could find somebody passed out on a city bus that stank of urine, give him a prescription pad, and I don't think you would be any worse off.
I definitely take my duties as being a father more seriously at this point. It is tough to be a good spouse if your other half isn't at least partially responsive / reasonable.
You know, I was just thinking about it, and a doctor could make a mint these days if they did things right. I almost want to go to medical school to take advantage of opportunities I see. All a doctor would have to do is to make house calls for wealthy clients on a cash only basis. That would let you run things at almost no overhead cost. You wouldn't have an office to pay rent on, no wages for staff, no costs of computer programs to deal with insurers, no denied payments, etc. You would only need a cell phone, and you would need to be available 24/7. I bet you could easily get a $200 minimum for making a house call. Think about times when you were really sick and needed to see the doctor. Who wants to deal with driving to the office, waiting once you get there, etc. etc. You would also avoid getting sick from the other people at the doctor's office. All you do is make a call, and then stay in bed until the doctor gets there. Also, the client gets the added benefit of discretion.
If you really wanted to hit a home run the doctor could do at home detoxs for a flat rate. I bet you could get $10k per detox if it was the right clients. You would need an assistant, and would need someone staying with the client 24/7 for the first few days anyway. Again, the client gets the benefit of discretion.
I don't see that happening soon, but the current state of the health care system in the States is an utter farce. It is better if you are in Manhattan, but around here the doctors are a complete joke. You could find somebody passed out on a city bus that stank of urine, give him a prescription pad, and I don't think you would be any worse off.
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By the way, I did restock my subs and I have been sticking to 2 per day. After reflecting on it some more I do think I need a little bit more breathing room. My prior methadone detox failed, and I didn't give myself any breathing room with that one. Tomorrow I am going to cut it down to 1 sub per day, and see how that goes. Given the longer life of the subs, I might jump next Tuesday. That would have the sickness starting on Friday, which works best for my current schedule. Alternatively, I could try cutting down to half a sub the following week. I guess I am going to give myself the flexibility to make the decision depending on how I am feeling. In the grand scheme of things, extending the sub use for a few days or even a couple weeks will not make or break me. At this point, I am not keen on going long-term with the subs. Even in the longer term scenario I would have kept the sub use under 3 weeks.
In the past, I have never had trouble dropping off of the subs / methadone when I planned to so I am not overly worried about getting trapped into a long-term use. For example, I don't expect the 3 weeks to turn into 4 weeks, etc. For one thing, I don't have a consistent supply to go long-term. With my most recent doctor experience, I am all the more opposed to going to another sub doctor.
In the past, I have never had trouble dropping off of the subs / methadone when I planned to so I am not overly worried about getting trapped into a long-term use. For example, I don't expect the 3 weeks to turn into 4 weeks, etc. For one thing, I don't have a consistent supply to go long-term. With my most recent doctor experience, I am all the more opposed to going to another sub doctor.
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That's ok Opio. No worries! :-) I didn't even think of what you said as negative. I just meant that I respect your desision. You know how I feel about free will and choice...right? I'm just happy that we have choices. But the initial reason I suggested remaining on sub for awhile is because I've come to realize recovery isn't just about getting off the drugs, it's about straightening out our lives in a way that is conducive (supports) long term recovery and that can take a bit more time. But everyone's journey is their own Opio...and I respect that.
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Originally Posted by RedManc7
******* hell where in the world do you go to the doctors? Sounds like a fascist regime.
Youve had some bad luck with Drs Opio, but they arent all that way. Mr Blue has a good addiction doc.
Re your other point maybe you aren't cut out for marriage I know I'm not I'm still a lunatic even without drugs. You can still be an ace dad though.
Im thinking of you Opio, always sending my best thoughts and wishes to you.
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Blue - it is good to know that decent addiction doctors exist somewhere. I do have to say that the pediatrician that we have for the children is top notch. So, there are some good doctors up here in certain fields anyway.
I dropped down to 1 sub today. Anxiety and restlessness have popped up a bit. I am going to get some snow shoveling in tonight to work some of that off. That is one positive of have all the snow I guess. Any time I want some aerobic exercise I can go outside and shovel away. Then I can go in for a hot bath to relax afterwards. On top of it I get the satisfaction of a job well done. Of course, that generally lasts less than a day because more snow shows up. Overall, things have gone well with the drop down to 1. The anxiety is honestly pretty mild. I expect to feel it a little bit more tomorrow. So far so good.
I dropped down to 1 sub today. Anxiety and restlessness have popped up a bit. I am going to get some snow shoveling in tonight to work some of that off. That is one positive of have all the snow I guess. Any time I want some aerobic exercise I can go outside and shovel away. Then I can go in for a hot bath to relax afterwards. On top of it I get the satisfaction of a job well done. Of course, that generally lasts less than a day because more snow shows up. Overall, things have gone well with the drop down to 1. The anxiety is honestly pretty mild. I expect to feel it a little bit more tomorrow. So far so good.
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Where did you go DUDE? Don't disappear again OPI! Hopefully you have just been busy, but if you are backsliding don't try to do it on your own. Trust me dope is NOT the solution - it will not make your problems go away.
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I am alive and well everyone...apologies for the radio silence. Things have been extraordinarily busy on the home front. On the drug front I honestly haven't had time to sit back and reflect on it that much. I have stayed at 1 sub per day, and I have been doing fine with it. Sure, the anxiety from the drop pops up here and there, but overall things went well with the switch and subsequent taper on the subs. Sleep hasn't been a significant problem. It has been more restless than normal, but I can't complain. I am grateful for every night that I can actually get to sleep at this point. That will not be the case in the nights coming up soon.
The one draw-back with being that busy has been the inability to focus on my game plan going forward. I currently plan to stay on 1 per day through Tuesday, and then either drop to nothing or drop to half a strip. If I drop to nothing that would entail withdrawal not really kicking in until Friday (~72 hours). The issue is that things on the home front have really come to a head. I understand that I have put off things repeatedly, but this is a different level of stress. I am refraining from going into detail, because my metro area is large, but it isn't THAT large. My wife is OK, but she was forced out of the house by a government authority. She will likely be returning home at some point this week. That is about all that I can provide at the moment, but I will fill in details once this blows over. Please take my word for it for now even though I can't provide all of the details I would like to on the public forum. This is a different animal than status quo, which sucked bad on its own.
If she is indeed coming home over the next couple days then I plan on going through with the drop to nothing this week (i.e. last 1 strip dose on Tuesday, nothing on Wednesday). If she isn't, then I will just cut it down to 1/2 strip starting on Wednesday (i.e. last 1 strip dose on Tuesday).
That is all I have for now. Right now, it is all about daily dose and the passage of time. All of the real meat to sobriety isn't accessible to me until I get through the ensuing **** storm.
The one draw-back with being that busy has been the inability to focus on my game plan going forward. I currently plan to stay on 1 per day through Tuesday, and then either drop to nothing or drop to half a strip. If I drop to nothing that would entail withdrawal not really kicking in until Friday (~72 hours). The issue is that things on the home front have really come to a head. I understand that I have put off things repeatedly, but this is a different level of stress. I am refraining from going into detail, because my metro area is large, but it isn't THAT large. My wife is OK, but she was forced out of the house by a government authority. She will likely be returning home at some point this week. That is about all that I can provide at the moment, but I will fill in details once this blows over. Please take my word for it for now even though I can't provide all of the details I would like to on the public forum. This is a different animal than status quo, which sucked bad on its own.
If she is indeed coming home over the next couple days then I plan on going through with the drop to nothing this week (i.e. last 1 strip dose on Tuesday, nothing on Wednesday). If she isn't, then I will just cut it down to 1/2 strip starting on Wednesday (i.e. last 1 strip dose on Tuesday).
That is all I have for now. Right now, it is all about daily dose and the passage of time. All of the real meat to sobriety isn't accessible to me until I get through the ensuing **** storm.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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Hi Opio!
Good to see you! I had already figured your silence was due to your wife!
Great job on sticking with the subs and not throwing all the days away you've had off your DOC!
My friend in NY text he got 10" of new snow last night! Did you get it too? We have nasty stuff coming Wednesday. Freezing rain and snow! Another trash day gone to the bad weather! ARGH! It's going to start piling up in my barn again! The things we take for granite!
Well wishes being thrown your direction!
TOD
Good to see you! I had already figured your silence was due to your wife!
Great job on sticking with the subs and not throwing all the days away you've had off your DOC!
My friend in NY text he got 10" of new snow last night! Did you get it too? We have nasty stuff coming Wednesday. Freezing rain and snow! Another trash day gone to the bad weather! ARGH! It's going to start piling up in my barn again! The things we take for granite!
Well wishes being thrown your direction!
TOD
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