Effed Up Royally
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Marcus - if I had a situation where I could go cold turkey then I agree that cold turkey would be best. The problem is that I have to take care of my children while withdrawaling. I am not strong enough to be able to go cold turkey and provide an acceptable level of care for them. With the short-term methadone taper I will still have plenty of pain, but I will be well enough to be able to physically function when I push myself. Also, I can't let my crazy wife find out either. She could count as a 3rd child that I have to take care of. Imagine the most obnoxious / rebellious teenager that was spoiled rotten since birth, and that would be the situation with the wife. She hasn't even noticed that I have been using because she has been locked in he room the whole time doing whatever crazy people do when they become recluses.
As far as everyone else's concern about the methadone, I only have a supply that will last one week (max). The horror stories about methadone are long-term usage. At least every single one I have read was. Again, I did the same thing in February and I used the methadone for 3 days. The withdrawal that came on once the methadone got out of my system was much milder than cold turkey. It still sucked though, and it lasted much longer. I don't want to leave everyone with the idea that I have illusions about a pain-free withdrawal. The Opi Piper gets paid no matter what. In my current situation, I have to use a payment plan because I must be available for my children. Also, I would not take the methadone if I had access to a steady supply on the street. If this plan goes down in flames it will be because I give up after the methadone runs out and go back to the H. I will admit that I like the methadone enough to get addicted to it in its own right, but I am not going to go to incredible lengths to try to get a steady supply. If I really wanted to use that bad I would just go back to the H.
I do appreciate everyone's concern, but this is my plan. There are always changes that we could make to our detox plans to make them better. Sometimes a completely different approach may be warranted to make things easier. My personal experience from February was that this plan worked very well for me in getting through the detox. I think it is more important to stick with whatever plan you have. If I stick with this plan it will work. If I don't stick with the plan then I am ******. That is pretty much the same story as with any detox plan. This is only going to get me through the detox anyway. That is like the first step of a marathon. I want to get off on the right foot, but there is a long, long race ahead of me if I am going to stay clean for good.
As far as everyone else's concern about the methadone, I only have a supply that will last one week (max). The horror stories about methadone are long-term usage. At least every single one I have read was. Again, I did the same thing in February and I used the methadone for 3 days. The withdrawal that came on once the methadone got out of my system was much milder than cold turkey. It still sucked though, and it lasted much longer. I don't want to leave everyone with the idea that I have illusions about a pain-free withdrawal. The Opi Piper gets paid no matter what. In my current situation, I have to use a payment plan because I must be available for my children. Also, I would not take the methadone if I had access to a steady supply on the street. If this plan goes down in flames it will be because I give up after the methadone runs out and go back to the H. I will admit that I like the methadone enough to get addicted to it in its own right, but I am not going to go to incredible lengths to try to get a steady supply. If I really wanted to use that bad I would just go back to the H.
I do appreciate everyone's concern, but this is my plan. There are always changes that we could make to our detox plans to make them better. Sometimes a completely different approach may be warranted to make things easier. My personal experience from February was that this plan worked very well for me in getting through the detox. I think it is more important to stick with whatever plan you have. If I stick with this plan it will work. If I don't stick with the plan then I am ******. That is pretty much the same story as with any detox plan. This is only going to get me through the detox anyway. That is like the first step of a marathon. I want to get off on the right foot, but there is a long, long race ahead of me if I am going to stay clean for good.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Totally respect your opinion OPI and honestly was not trying to tell you what to do. I had a very different situation with a wife that knew all about my use and would go to the end of the earth to help me stop (which isn't very healthy either). I was able to go hole up in a hotel room for 3 days to kick the worst of it. I can't even begin to imagine trying to take care of kids especially a very little one while detoxing off H. Actually not sure if would even be possible so you have to do what you think is right. I don't want you to come on here and try to be honest and then get steamrolled by everyone, but also we can't just say hey that sounds like a great plan and not point out potential flaws either.
Please just realize if you continue to struggle taking into account your two kids you might just have to either talk to your wife about it or think about a divorce altogether because a life of active addiction around kids just isn't fair to them. That is all I will say. I sure hope you can come out clean on the other side. Praying for you!!!
Please just realize if you continue to struggle taking into account your two kids you might just have to either talk to your wife about it or think about a divorce altogether because a life of active addiction around kids just isn't fair to them. That is all I will say. I sure hope you can come out clean on the other side. Praying for you!!!
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Opi!
I only shared my experience and what I've learned along the way!
You do what you need to do to get off the DOC! That's my only concern!
You have a lot on your plate as far as family is concerned. It's sure not going to be easy for ya! But like I've told you in the past! Get yourself clean and focus on your children. Your wife has chosen to live hers in the way she is now!
TOD
I only shared my experience and what I've learned along the way!
You do what you need to do to get off the DOC! That's my only concern!
You have a lot on your plate as far as family is concerned. It's sure not going to be easy for ya! But like I've told you in the past! Get yourself clean and focus on your children. Your wife has chosen to live hers in the way she is now!
TOD
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
I am still keepin on at this point. Earlier today I felt quite a bit worst than I was expecting. In the past, with the methadone it would take away 100% of the withdrawal. It was scary to think about how severe the withdrawal would have been without the methadone. I would have been climbing the walls if I had gone cold turkey. However, I would have gotten it over with a lot sooner too.
When the methadone runs out I may have to quit smoking cigs in order to give myself cover for the residual withdrawal (lest the Reichsführer herself - aka the wifey - finds out). I have been half-ass planning to quit for a while anyway so I might as well get it over with.
Marcus - no offense taken man. Sometimes my posts come across as being defensive when I don't intend them to be. I do value your opinion, and I appreciate getting your thoughts on it even if we don't always agree. If I have a plan formulated that I am willing to go with then I should be able to defend it. If I can't do that then the plan doesn't hold water to begin with.
Danikay - I here you on the benzos. It is easy to justify using a little bit of Xanax to get some sleep during withdrawal. I learned my lesson with the benozs, and those experiences are detailed in the earlier parts of this thread. I was lucky to get off of that train when I did. There is no reason that I would need to take those anyway given the fact that I am using the methadone for the short-term taper.
When the methadone runs out I may have to quit smoking cigs in order to give myself cover for the residual withdrawal (lest the Reichsführer herself - aka the wifey - finds out). I have been half-ass planning to quit for a while anyway so I might as well get it over with.
Marcus - no offense taken man. Sometimes my posts come across as being defensive when I don't intend them to be. I do value your opinion, and I appreciate getting your thoughts on it even if we don't always agree. If I have a plan formulated that I am willing to go with then I should be able to defend it. If I can't do that then the plan doesn't hold water to begin with.
Danikay - I here you on the benzos. It is easy to justify using a little bit of Xanax to get some sleep during withdrawal. I learned my lesson with the benozs, and those experiences are detailed in the earlier parts of this thread. I was lucky to get off of that train when I did. There is no reason that I would need to take those anyway given the fact that I am using the methadone for the short-term taper.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 750
I'm new here, and just wanna say you seem like an intelligent, decent dude. I just read this thread and could identify and relate so much. Seems like your past advice really inspired and impacted many here. You got a lot of folks rooting for ya. Get back up on the saddle man, you can do this!!
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
Woot!
I absolutely hate posting in "public" but gotta let ya know I'm also
happy you are sharing, doing what you gotta do
I never can say it as good as the other fabulous folks already have.
So I don't. ;-P
You've touched many people here in your time on SR. There's a whole
cheer-leading squad going on and frankly I am grateful to be one of those
peeps. I often write books on here and then delete...so I'm forever
happy when others consistently come here and say the words I can't
type.
Keep on 'a truckin'
Lethe <---Mom of a 12 year old <--- need I say more?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Wake Up Call
If I was a cat I would be on my 9th life right now. As everyone has probably assumed by now the 'detox' didn't happen. What can I say? My heart just wasn't into it. Sure, part of me wanted to quit, but I didn't have anything close to a burning desire to quit. With everyday being almost exactly the same dull day as the one before, it is hard to reach a point where I could say "today is the day damn it!"
Today was the kick in the ass I needed, and I am still shaking thinking about it. There were times that I had close calls with ODs, and I must say that the only one that really scared me was my one coke OD. That was a terrifying experience in the ER to watch my heart beats on the monitor running about 190. It was even more terrifying when it started showing the palpitations and then all sorts of other things on the screen that your heart isn't supposed to do. There is something strange about feeling your heart do something 'weird' and then you look up and say 'damn...that doesn't look right." With the opi near misses I just never felt that level of terror. To be perfectly candid, I think I secretly felt some kind of reverence for an opi OD. If you are going to go then it is right up there with the way to go out.
I didn't OD today, but I got a bad cut. As luck would have it I got a higher gauge rig than I am used to working with, and as I drew up the H something looked a little off. The liquid didn't really pull through the filter that well, but I was able to get a full rig after the third pull. Then bam - the rig clogged. This was a brand new rig so I figured something was off. As the liquid cooled down the murkiness quickly turned to what looked like a mixture of sand / cement. I pulled the plunger out and the rig was basically one huge clog of cement. Maybe the higher gauge needle wouldn't have made any difference, but I would have been in rough shape if that rig hadn't clogged. It would have been a miserable death too I suspect, or even worse. The idea of having a massive stroke and waking up as a vegetable is the kind of thing that really gets to me. I can understand rolling the dice into the abyss of death, but the thought of being a vegetable is a terror beyond comprehension. This definitely shook me up way more than any of the close calls did.
After it happened I called my "guy" over and showed him the rig with the ******** still in it. I told him that this is how people get killed, and that I was done with the ****. He didn't really understand what I was talking about because he only sniffs it. His response was something like "well what is it supposed to look like?" I then told him the story I saw online about a dealer that sold some H that had Hep C in it. How someone would get Hep C into a batch of H is beyond me anyway. Do they just cut themselves and bleed out into the brick or something? Anyway, one of the online guy's customers showed up a few weeks later and told him that he got Hep C from one of his balloons. He put a .357 to the online guy's head and made him share a Hep C filled rig with him. That is the ultimate revenge on a dealer I suppose. I am a nice guy and wouldn't do anything like that, but I think my dealer got the gist of the story.
Is this one of those moments of swearing everything off that I forget about first thing tomorrow? I really hope not, but I feel more motivated that I have in a long, long time. I have had a lot of those swearing off moments, but today I feel like it is backed up with a resolve to follow through. There are serious issues that I have to resolve with my family structure going forward. I have seen the writing on the wall for a while now, but I just couldn't find the courage to do what I think needs to be done to resolve the situation. This last run was really just a way for me to pretend that everything was OK in the real world when it wasn't. It was my desperate way of putting of what seems to be inevitable. I have to face those issues sober, and it is going to be a tough, tough road. Damn...one day at a time I guess. It is the only road I have left at this point though. As much as I spout off about rolling the dice into the abyss I am not ready for that yet.
At this point my plan is to use the remaining methadone to get through the detox. I might go down in flames, but this time I am going to give it everything I got. If I fail at that then I will go back to a sub doctor. If I fail at that then I will go to the methadone clinic. If I fail at that then I guess I will have to just pack my **** and run away to rehab. If all of the above fail then I don't know what to say. I guess I am ******.
I'll check in daily going forward. It definitely helps my motivation when I get on SR. When I was screwing up it was too much for me to get on. I guess I was ashamed, and didn't really feel like I belonged. If I am not going to put forth more than a half-assed effort then what was the point?
Marcus - do you have a crystal ball or what? You mentioned that with H it is life or death at some point earlier on the thread, and you weren't BSing. So far you have been right about the DIY methadone too. It hasn't been working out too well. I am not sure any method would have saved me this last go around. A half-assed effort is doomed to fail no matter what. Oh, if you do have a crystal ball you can always PM me with stock tips.
Today was the kick in the ass I needed, and I am still shaking thinking about it. There were times that I had close calls with ODs, and I must say that the only one that really scared me was my one coke OD. That was a terrifying experience in the ER to watch my heart beats on the monitor running about 190. It was even more terrifying when it started showing the palpitations and then all sorts of other things on the screen that your heart isn't supposed to do. There is something strange about feeling your heart do something 'weird' and then you look up and say 'damn...that doesn't look right." With the opi near misses I just never felt that level of terror. To be perfectly candid, I think I secretly felt some kind of reverence for an opi OD. If you are going to go then it is right up there with the way to go out.
I didn't OD today, but I got a bad cut. As luck would have it I got a higher gauge rig than I am used to working with, and as I drew up the H something looked a little off. The liquid didn't really pull through the filter that well, but I was able to get a full rig after the third pull. Then bam - the rig clogged. This was a brand new rig so I figured something was off. As the liquid cooled down the murkiness quickly turned to what looked like a mixture of sand / cement. I pulled the plunger out and the rig was basically one huge clog of cement. Maybe the higher gauge needle wouldn't have made any difference, but I would have been in rough shape if that rig hadn't clogged. It would have been a miserable death too I suspect, or even worse. The idea of having a massive stroke and waking up as a vegetable is the kind of thing that really gets to me. I can understand rolling the dice into the abyss of death, but the thought of being a vegetable is a terror beyond comprehension. This definitely shook me up way more than any of the close calls did.
After it happened I called my "guy" over and showed him the rig with the ******** still in it. I told him that this is how people get killed, and that I was done with the ****. He didn't really understand what I was talking about because he only sniffs it. His response was something like "well what is it supposed to look like?" I then told him the story I saw online about a dealer that sold some H that had Hep C in it. How someone would get Hep C into a batch of H is beyond me anyway. Do they just cut themselves and bleed out into the brick or something? Anyway, one of the online guy's customers showed up a few weeks later and told him that he got Hep C from one of his balloons. He put a .357 to the online guy's head and made him share a Hep C filled rig with him. That is the ultimate revenge on a dealer I suppose. I am a nice guy and wouldn't do anything like that, but I think my dealer got the gist of the story.
Is this one of those moments of swearing everything off that I forget about first thing tomorrow? I really hope not, but I feel more motivated that I have in a long, long time. I have had a lot of those swearing off moments, but today I feel like it is backed up with a resolve to follow through. There are serious issues that I have to resolve with my family structure going forward. I have seen the writing on the wall for a while now, but I just couldn't find the courage to do what I think needs to be done to resolve the situation. This last run was really just a way for me to pretend that everything was OK in the real world when it wasn't. It was my desperate way of putting of what seems to be inevitable. I have to face those issues sober, and it is going to be a tough, tough road. Damn...one day at a time I guess. It is the only road I have left at this point though. As much as I spout off about rolling the dice into the abyss I am not ready for that yet.
At this point my plan is to use the remaining methadone to get through the detox. I might go down in flames, but this time I am going to give it everything I got. If I fail at that then I will go back to a sub doctor. If I fail at that then I will go to the methadone clinic. If I fail at that then I guess I will have to just pack my **** and run away to rehab. If all of the above fail then I don't know what to say. I guess I am ******.
I'll check in daily going forward. It definitely helps my motivation when I get on SR. When I was screwing up it was too much for me to get on. I guess I was ashamed, and didn't really feel like I belonged. If I am not going to put forth more than a half-assed effort then what was the point?
Marcus - do you have a crystal ball or what? You mentioned that with H it is life or death at some point earlier on the thread, and you weren't BSing. So far you have been right about the DIY methadone too. It hasn't been working out too well. I am not sure any method would have saved me this last go around. A half-assed effort is doomed to fail no matter what. Oh, if you do have a crystal ball you can always PM me with stock tips.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Also, I wanted to reiterate that I was sorry to everyone that tried to help me with some tough love along the way. I was being a little whiny bitch. Instead of being a smartass I should have been listening, and taking advice.
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Opi! You just might have saved your life with that new needle! Good job on not trusting the stuff!
No need to beat yourself up! I've been back and forth on the popping pills and not popping pills myself. If it was possible to tell ourselves: "Okay! I'm done! Time to stop and do it?" SR really wouldn't be needed! Now would it?
Do what you need to do to stay off the stuff!
TOD
No need to beat yourself up! I've been back and forth on the popping pills and not popping pills myself. If it was possible to tell ourselves: "Okay! I'm done! Time to stop and do it?" SR really wouldn't be needed! Now would it?
Do what you need to do to stay off the stuff!
TOD
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
Hi opi....no apologies needed! I understand the feeling guilty part but hey we all get it.
So what can you do now? I don't have much help there cause I haven't dealt with withdrawal problems from my addictions. Well just raft it seems so important to get off everything as soon as you can and then go jump in and over the fence and hang in no matter what. That ole addict voice may rise to the occasion soon and be asking you out for a date.
So follow your wonderful heart and do what ya gotta do. And tell us all about it. Your worth it. Your loved
:-)
So what can you do now? I don't have much help there cause I haven't dealt with withdrawal problems from my addictions. Well just raft it seems so important to get off everything as soon as you can and then go jump in and over the fence and hang in no matter what. That ole addict voice may rise to the occasion soon and be asking you out for a date.
So follow your wonderful heart and do what ya gotta do. And tell us all about it. Your worth it. Your loved
:-)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
That is the problem with getting dope off the street - such poor quality control! Sounds like bad cut or something, but who knows what the hell is in there. You hear about that scramble people are using - they put morphine or fentanyl or whatever opiate they can get their hands on and benzos and a little H and a bunch of other cut to make more off it.
I think back to my using days and it blows my mind that I would buy a bag of powder off some dude in an alley on the West Side of Chicago and without a second thought load that sh*t up and shoot it into my vein. Once I found a normal connect and started buying raw thought it was somehow better yeah right, but a person must have a bit of a death wish to do that. It would be bad enough if I were a single junkie living on the streets, but no I had a wife and 3 small kids! What kind of P.O.S does that? It is just another reminder of the pull of dope and how I can NEVER EVER go near that stuff again. I truly do believe it would be a death sentence for me. Maybe not an instant death, but it would happen eventually.
Unfortunately scares like that only last so long. I remember I got a nasty abscess on my arm that got infected. Finally had to go to the hospital. Spent 4 days in the hospital getting pumped full of antibiotics. They had to put a drain in my arm to drain out the fluid. That whole time in the hospital I said this is it - I gotta quit this stuff - I just can't do this again. I got out of the hospital and started thinking maybe just grab a couple bags to take the edge off. Next thing you know I am heading to the city and figure might has well get a jab since I am going through the trouble. Back on the carousel.
Hopefully you can use this event to jump start you. You have to start somewhere and trying to quit something that you do not want to quit is next to impossible. Keep posting even if you are struggling and it most likely will be a struggle for a while, but you CAN do this. I went to the edge and somehow found my way back and you can too.
I think back to my using days and it blows my mind that I would buy a bag of powder off some dude in an alley on the West Side of Chicago and without a second thought load that sh*t up and shoot it into my vein. Once I found a normal connect and started buying raw thought it was somehow better yeah right, but a person must have a bit of a death wish to do that. It would be bad enough if I were a single junkie living on the streets, but no I had a wife and 3 small kids! What kind of P.O.S does that? It is just another reminder of the pull of dope and how I can NEVER EVER go near that stuff again. I truly do believe it would be a death sentence for me. Maybe not an instant death, but it would happen eventually.
Unfortunately scares like that only last so long. I remember I got a nasty abscess on my arm that got infected. Finally had to go to the hospital. Spent 4 days in the hospital getting pumped full of antibiotics. They had to put a drain in my arm to drain out the fluid. That whole time in the hospital I said this is it - I gotta quit this stuff - I just can't do this again. I got out of the hospital and started thinking maybe just grab a couple bags to take the edge off. Next thing you know I am heading to the city and figure might has well get a jab since I am going through the trouble. Back on the carousel.
Hopefully you can use this event to jump start you. You have to start somewhere and trying to quit something that you do not want to quit is next to impossible. Keep posting even if you are struggling and it most likely will be a struggle for a while, but you CAN do this. I went to the edge and somehow found my way back and you can too.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
The scare lasted last night, and this morning I was already scheming in my head.
AV - "Well you could just sniff it instead of shooting it..."
Me - "Yeah, right! Who sniffs after they have shot it?"
AV - "Well you could get a different connect with better quality..."
Me - "This was supposed to be better quality dumbass!"
AV - "Well..."
At that point I just stopped arguing with myself. I realized that the random thought generator was back in full force, and that my AV would always come up with a more clever solution to the problems with using. The issue is that those solutions always end up with me continuing to use. I am hanging strong today. You guys are right. I have to start somewhere, and one day is infinitely better than none.
Tired - I would have shot it, but it was literally like cement in the rig. I pulled the plunger out and tried pouring it back in the spoon. It was stuck in there like glue. I even took a fresh rig with water and squirted it into the clogged rig, and it didn't budge! It was like squirting water into packed clay or something. Then I tried heating the water up before squirting it in the rig. Even that didn't work. I have shot cloudy shots before that I shouldn't have, but this was on a different level.
Marcus - you are right about the being scared part. It isn't going to keep me away for any length of time. I am hopeful that it gave me the motivation to finally say "today is the day" though. I deleted all the numbers in my phone, which will add to the barriers to entry. Also, I used to think that shooting H was somehow safer than shooting pills. I figured I would have an amateur try to make something to shoot rather than have a professional make something that was clearly not meant to be shot. Yeah...there goes that AV logic again.
Four - I am glad to see that you are hanging with it bud. For what its worth, I have a lot of respect for the fact that you kept coming on here even when you were still using. You showed that a big part of you wanted to quit. At the time I didn't appreciate it like I do now. Even in this virtual world it is painful to come on here, and admit that I fell flat on my face. As far as the withdrawal goes - it will suck bad. It always does no matter how you skin the cat. I'll survive it. There are moments during withdrawal that aren't that bad though. They are fleeting, but there would times when I would get a rush of euphoria from knowing that I was going to get through it. Then I would get dunked back into the icy waters of purgatory. At least I felt alive, which is something that a lot of folks can't say about their days - using or not. But ya...I'll be crying to mama before all is said and done.
AV - "Well you could just sniff it instead of shooting it..."
Me - "Yeah, right! Who sniffs after they have shot it?"
AV - "Well you could get a different connect with better quality..."
Me - "This was supposed to be better quality dumbass!"
AV - "Well..."
At that point I just stopped arguing with myself. I realized that the random thought generator was back in full force, and that my AV would always come up with a more clever solution to the problems with using. The issue is that those solutions always end up with me continuing to use. I am hanging strong today. You guys are right. I have to start somewhere, and one day is infinitely better than none.
Tired - I would have shot it, but it was literally like cement in the rig. I pulled the plunger out and tried pouring it back in the spoon. It was stuck in there like glue. I even took a fresh rig with water and squirted it into the clogged rig, and it didn't budge! It was like squirting water into packed clay or something. Then I tried heating the water up before squirting it in the rig. Even that didn't work. I have shot cloudy shots before that I shouldn't have, but this was on a different level.
Marcus - you are right about the being scared part. It isn't going to keep me away for any length of time. I am hopeful that it gave me the motivation to finally say "today is the day" though. I deleted all the numbers in my phone, which will add to the barriers to entry. Also, I used to think that shooting H was somehow safer than shooting pills. I figured I would have an amateur try to make something to shoot rather than have a professional make something that was clearly not meant to be shot. Yeah...there goes that AV logic again.
Four - I am glad to see that you are hanging with it bud. For what its worth, I have a lot of respect for the fact that you kept coming on here even when you were still using. You showed that a big part of you wanted to quit. At the time I didn't appreciate it like I do now. Even in this virtual world it is painful to come on here, and admit that I fell flat on my face. As far as the withdrawal goes - it will suck bad. It always does no matter how you skin the cat. I'll survive it. There are moments during withdrawal that aren't that bad though. They are fleeting, but there would times when I would get a rush of euphoria from knowing that I was going to get through it. Then I would get dunked back into the icy waters of purgatory. At least I felt alive, which is something that a lot of folks can't say about their days - using or not. But ya...I'll be crying to mama before all is said and done.
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