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Old 05-04-2015, 01:59 AM   #421 (permalink)

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I have been down lately. The thought of being free from the marriage is starting to seem real to me. At times, I had thought about divorce, but it just seemed like some abstract dream on the horizon. When I think about how much easier life will be on my own it gives me something to look forward to. It isn't like I am gearing up to start the process next week, but I see it coming within a few months. Given the situation I have to be very methodical about building my case. I have been taking notes of her excuse every day for not seeing her children, and I am going to record some phone calls when she starts talking about harming people. Otherwise, my children could end up with their mother without me, which would be an utter disaster. It would destroy me to see them go to foster care, but even that would be better than them ending up with their mother without me there. It reminds me of the story of two women claiming ownership of a baby in a king's court. Unfortunately, I don't think I am going to get King Solomon as my judge.

There is still some hope that things may get better with my wife. She has a new doctor that she really gets along with that it a good sign. I am going to approach the doctor, and give her some insight into what things have been like in my house. Maybe a miracle will happen and she will get on the right medication that will turn things around. For the sake of my family I would willingly forgive all and move on. I would even take the blame for everything if that is what it took. Unfortunately, none of that will work unless my wife is willing to cooperate. I don't even know if that would be enough, because I can't tell how much of this is involuntary due to a real mental illness versus a deeply ingrained personality / character flaw.

I have to admit that I looked down on people that got divorces for most of my life. I thought it was just an easy out for people that didn't want to put forth the effort to make a marriage work. I get it now. That being said, I feel a lot of guilt for looking down on people in the past. No one wants to get divorced, and I think the vast majority of people at least try to work it out. Sometimes it is the only way to make life bearable. If the other person in the marriage doesn't want to make things work then there is nothing you can do to make it work. I think you would have to have the patience of Gandhi or Jesus Christ to be able to tolerate a marriage that has really gone to the birds. Seriously, I don't even know if historical A-listers like that could deal with a wife set on making their life miserable.

Before I got married I read the oaths closely to make sure that I could live up to them, and I never believe that I would be able to break them. My priorities have changed now that I have children, and I think that is a good thing. Even though it is painful to break my oath (it is something that I do take very seriously), I realized that I was being selfish. Is my vanity of identifying as a person that 'never' breaks his word worth my children's happiness? I am just going to have to find a way to get over breaking my word. It isn't fair to sentence my children to a life of misery to keep my word.

On the drug front, I have been holding strong. I do know that I would not be able to stay sober for the long-term under current conditions. There are probably others that would disagree, and would point to a program that I could use to stay sober no matter what. I must say that I envy those that have the strength to confidently say that they can deal with whatever life throws at them. For me, I think the better road is to admit my limitations, and make the changes needed to keep things manageable. There will be plenty of curve balls that I don't see coming to challenge me. If there are things I can change to make it easier I am going to do so. I have heard others say that you can't set expectations on others, and that no one else can interfere with their sobriety. When I hear people say that I believe them, and I am happy for them. I know myself though, and I am not going to get there with this situation. Even if I could what would be the point? Do I really want bragging rights that I kept life miserable just so I could make sobriety adequately challenging?

I don't want to come across as blaming my wife for my addiction. That was my mindset for a long, long time, and it didn't get me anywhere. It just kept me feeling sorry for myself, while sinking deeper and deeper into active addiction. The way I see it now is that she is responsible for introducing tremendous stress to my life, but I was responsible for choosing drugs to deal with that stress. Last summer when I was on the road I knew what was going to happen when I came back. Even then, part of me still blamed my wife for it. I was expecting her to change, and started pouting when things didn't go my way. Maybe my view on this will change over time, but I can accept full responsibility for my drug use. It took me a long time to get there though. I guess I couldn't come to terms with the fact that your truly had ****** up that bad. Actually, I am still pissed at myself for the mistakes I made (really pissed), but I think that will get better with time.
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Old 05-04-2015, 02:01 AM   #422 (permalink)
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I'm sorry for what you're going through, OP, but it's good to hear from you, man

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Old 05-04-2015, 06:18 AM   #423 (permalink)
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Opio you are amazing!

One thing I noticed about life is it has a way of changing a person's strong opinion's of things. Or at least it has mine. What I once thought was a certain way...like what you said about divorce and people who divorce. It's like life forces us to see things for what they really are. I've had lots of misconceptions about things that ended up being proved wrong. So you are not the only one who's had to change their ideas/opinions. Life has a way of knocking down our ego too. (For lack of a better way to say it.) I blamed my addiction on others in my life too, until I realized how wrong I was. Sure stress came from others...but the choice to pop pills was mine and mine alone.

Lots of good thinking going on opio. So true what you said about your kids and your need to "never break your oaths". Their lives and future mean so much more.

I know you are still beating yourself up for this latest relapse. But I think there are lessons you've learned and just maybe this experience has cemented your recovery in a way it wasn't before? Just my thoughts on it.

As always, glad you've checked in.
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Old 05-12-2015, 02:50 AM   #424 (permalink)

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I am still chugging along, but I have a long road ahead of me. There are a few lawyers that I picked out, but I haven't met with them yet. I know that I am just delaying the inevitable, but I guess I am scared. It is going to be a horrible process on me and my children. I know my wife, and it is going to make the War of the Roses look like the Brady Bunch when things are all said and done. Part of me still hopes that things will get better, but that prospect dims more everyday.

I do want to see what my options are about taking the children to live with me during the process. It is going to be damaging to them to be around during the process, and they have already had enough heaped on them that they absolutely didn't deserve. I can already tell that she is preparing for it by keeping accounts hidden from me. She is probably going to send off for Johnny Cochran at $1,500 / hour ($300 / hour for the medium) or his equivalent in family law. The one thing I have going for me is that I don't care about the money to the degree she does. I am not some pipe dreamer though that goes around saying money doesn't mean anything. If you can't keep a roof over your head or food on the table then you have a serious problem. It doesn't provide much above and beyond that though.

In fact, it might be better for my children to grow up away from a wealthy household. There are some folks I have met in life that came from wealthy families that were great people. However, some of the most spoiled, obnoxious people I have come across came out of that environment though. Maybe I just hit a run of bad luck or something, but I really don't want my children to turn out that way. Having grown up in a relatively humble household I was shocked to see how terrible people can be corrupted by money. My wife's family basically split up because of warring factions over inheritance. It really was sad to see people hate their sister, mother, and father all over their inheritance. I thought I had seen people hate each other before, but this was on a whole different level. They have been hating each other for decades now, and I think they would murder one another if they could get away with it. I think they could have made more money than what they are arguing over if they would have applied all that time and energy towards working instead of loathing each other.

Anyway, I got a little off topic, but that was weighing on my mind lately. Even though the road ahead of me is long I do have a sense of relief at knowing that a resolution is possible. I am trying to remain steady and to not allow myself to blame the drug use on the domestic situation. There will be problems in life even once I get through this, but I do believe they will be more manageable. I don't want to get overconfident, and start thinking that I will be 'cured' once this is out of the way. Drugs will always be a danger hovering in the shadows. That being said, long-term sobriety seems realistic to me if I can address this massive source of stress in my life. I think the bottom line is that I can't build a life that is livable without drugs if this issue isn't addressed. Sure, I could get on ADs, go to NA meetings daily, get a therapist, etc., but I would eventually crack. If it was something that I couldn't do anything about it would be one thing, but I can take action to resolve it. And even if I didn't what would be the point? I would still be miserable, which was the whole point of quitting in the first place.
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Old 05-12-2015, 07:27 AM   #425 (permalink)
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Don't forget the burden of addiction Opio, I'm clean 5 months now and look back in dread to how unmanageable and chaotic life was an Heroin addict, I'm sure you don't but I think we all have to face that one - life without drugs and the fact it isn't going to be a carnival atmosphere everyday, when I just a drunk in my 20s and fully fledged E head & coke fiend Thursday till Sunday if I ever gave up the drink, parachuted down, got on the Valium to help sleep etc I'd stay sober till the first day I woke up not feeling great, I'd be all indignant - I give up booze and feel like THIS? That was me back on the drink again. Hardest thing I find is facing up to life is still a massive pain in the arse/stress/head wrecker when you're straight - just like we romanticise our addiction at times when in the depths of a cycle on insanity using we romanticise being clean. You a strong guy, love ur kids, Cleary v smart but you seem to be projecting ahead too much, if it Carries on like this etc etc - I appreciate you are under serious pressure at the moment but there no need to live beyond the moment re your addiction. Obviously other events have long term implications but I think it important you try and keep managing your addiction and the domestic front as seperate as possible. Sorry if I sound crass or patronising id never disrespect you mate - got massive respect for what uve done. Stay strong. U only have to stay clean now. A years time or whatever is a year away. Face it then. Keep the faith bro
What ever happens happens, as long as I'm clean I'll cope.
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Old 05-13-2015, 06:19 PM   #426 (permalink)
RIP Maria
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Hello Opio!

As hard as it seems! Keep your faith in staying clean above all else! This alone will keep your head in the right place!

Would it be possible to get your own place and take the kids with you? Before any legal stuff is started. And BTW? Whoever files first? Usually has the upper hand in what happens! So if your wife is already showing signs of filing? Remember what I told you!

"You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person."
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heroin , life , relapse , withdrawal

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