AVRT to cope with emotional binge eating
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, pals)
LifeRecovery - thank you for the tips! Though it's hard for me to avoid some training stuff - I've been thinking about new boxing gloves)
Jeni - Thank you, my friend. I am more or less ok. Anxious, but I am trying to keep my emotions under control. AV has been trying to take advantage of this and hanging around, but I there's nothing for him here. Just back from another boxing class - luckily no 3 kg balls landing on my face, but let my steam out punching the heavy bag)
Have a good day/sweet dreams, pals)
See you later.
LifeRecovery - thank you for the tips! Though it's hard for me to avoid some training stuff - I've been thinking about new boxing gloves)
Jeni - Thank you, my friend. I am more or less ok. Anxious, but I am trying to keep my emotions under control. AV has been trying to take advantage of this and hanging around, but I there's nothing for him here. Just back from another boxing class - luckily no 3 kg balls landing on my face, but let my steam out punching the heavy bag)
Have a good day/sweet dreams, pals)
See you later.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Oh training stuff was okay, but my reward could not be another class, or signing up for a race etc....because for a bit I abused exercise. Stuff was okay.
I actually have a book on rewards with out food....I will look for it tonight.
I actually have a book on rewards with out food....I will look for it tonight.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, pals.
It's morning and I am severely attacked by the Beast. It's almost got me, it thrust its teeth into my arm and holds me. It all started from me feeling helpless and "doomed for miserable life" again. I hate it. Why is that all my present and recent, and even beyond recent progress still can't fight all this crap imposed on me as a child?!!!!!!!!
All these voices telling me that I am aiming way too high, that I should "know my place and lay low", that I am crazy, that I am an ungrateful monster, would you shut up!!!!!!!
Sometimes it seems to me that I got this new vision, and new perspective, but next day it slips away and all this nasty dark "usual" life turns to me its ass again. I am so tired of it. I feel like I am ready to blow up every cell of my existence just to get rid of this f**** poisoning thinking.
Sorry, pals. Just needed to let it out. I feel bad, awful, exhaused with constant inner battle.
It's morning and I am severely attacked by the Beast. It's almost got me, it thrust its teeth into my arm and holds me. It all started from me feeling helpless and "doomed for miserable life" again. I hate it. Why is that all my present and recent, and even beyond recent progress still can't fight all this crap imposed on me as a child?!!!!!!!!
All these voices telling me that I am aiming way too high, that I should "know my place and lay low", that I am crazy, that I am an ungrateful monster, would you shut up!!!!!!!
Sometimes it seems to me that I got this new vision, and new perspective, but next day it slips away and all this nasty dark "usual" life turns to me its ass again. I am so tired of it. I feel like I am ready to blow up every cell of my existence just to get rid of this f**** poisoning thinking.
Sorry, pals. Just needed to let it out. I feel bad, awful, exhaused with constant inner battle.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Midnight Blue-
I am sorry you are in such a hard place right now.
I am glad you posted.
No words of advice except to say from the outside the fact that you admitted what was happening, the fact that you feel cruddy, and you are asking for support, even if it feels bad, feels like a sign of recovery.
I read somewhere that for every person that has a major life transformation, they get stuck at some point....painfully, it feels like there is no other way out, stuck. They (therapists) feel that it is part of the transformation process...and the actual act of being stuck is what helps us to move onto the next step. That does not mean if feels good.
The book I mentioned in my previous post was 50 ways to soothe yourself without food by Susan Albers.
Warm, kind thoughts to you today.
I am sorry you are in such a hard place right now.
I am glad you posted.
No words of advice except to say from the outside the fact that you admitted what was happening, the fact that you feel cruddy, and you are asking for support, even if it feels bad, feels like a sign of recovery.
I read somewhere that for every person that has a major life transformation, they get stuck at some point....painfully, it feels like there is no other way out, stuck. They (therapists) feel that it is part of the transformation process...and the actual act of being stuck is what helps us to move onto the next step. That does not mean if feels good.
The book I mentioned in my previous post was 50 ways to soothe yourself without food by Susan Albers.
Warm, kind thoughts to you today.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Oh MB, I'm sorry you're struggling like this.
I totally get that voice that whispers. Sometimes it shouts so loud we get intimidated. Try and identify whose voice it really is...not yours I know. Who has made you feel like this before? It is from your past. It is not you and doesn't have any power over you. Write down what it is saying to you. A list....I don't deserve this, I can't do this....etc etc
Make yourself look at it. Don't be afraid. They are just words on a page. Change the wording...I do deserve this, I can do this, I WILL do this.
You can write your own story MB, you have beautiful words. You are a beautiful person.
Xxxx
I totally get that voice that whispers. Sometimes it shouts so loud we get intimidated. Try and identify whose voice it really is...not yours I know. Who has made you feel like this before? It is from your past. It is not you and doesn't have any power over you. Write down what it is saying to you. A list....I don't deserve this, I can't do this....etc etc
Make yourself look at it. Don't be afraid. They are just words on a page. Change the wording...I do deserve this, I can do this, I WILL do this.
You can write your own story MB, you have beautiful words. You are a beautiful person.
Xxxx
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Thank you, Jeni and LifeRecovery for kind and very useful words)
But I must admit I stumbled.
Though it's been somewhat different this time.
I've been doing good. I was sure I left it behind - didn't crave sweets, enjoyed my sugar-free nutrition.
But my mind seems to lag behind my physics. I feel great, but old patterns scream: "Wait, wait, this new life is not for you, you are not ready".
I can tell when it began this time - not today, actually. Today it just burst out. It started somewhat a week ago. I know, you are probably sick by now from my 6-pack abs, but what can I do - I like my belly this way). And I got them back). But a week ago I was drying my hair at the gym, looked at myself at the mirror and suddenly realized that 6-pack. not 6-pack, I will never be a "perfect asset" that my Mom and my brother (yes, him too) wanted to see and use me when I was young and way too dependent and vulnerable. There's always will be something "not perfect" in me - legs, cheeks, pardon my french - "boobs".
I got back from the gym depressed and lost - am I doing what I am doing for myself, or still trying to be a "perfect-worth-of-invested in-me-money- asset" for my wicked family?
I even felt somewhat resistant to it and to healthy eating "Love me imperfect".
Since then I've been swinging - today the beast "finished me off". Smart fight, jerk.
The last drop was when I found myself in places I was some years ago and just almost physically plunged into that emotional state of unhappiness and despair. When I got home it wasn't me - it was my emotional phantom which craved sweets.
Why it was different? I didn't beat myself up. I don't mean that it's "no big deal" - it's a big deal, a big deal that I am still defeated my stinking thinking. But I am not making the situation worse my beating myself and calling names.
Ok, it's a lesson. I was pointed out where my weak spots are - I have to work through them. And I will. Hell, I will.
Then, I've realized that I am doing it for myself now, not for someone who want a "good asset". My body doesn't like this, I feel bad. I distinctly feel that I don't like it - I felt great without it. I don't need shabby escape of sweets to balance and comfort myself - I can do without it.
I skipped a boxing class because it wasn't a good idea to run, jump and punch stuffed with sweets up to mu brains) I realized I am missing it) Missing fun I am having there, missing guys, trainers. I am not doing it to prove anything to anyone - I just simply like it. Because real me unfolds there- doing what I like and learning from other people.
Earlier in my life I was not allowed to do anything that doesn't generate any kind of return. I mean - if I did something, it never was for fun - always to add more scores to me as an assets. So, I ended up hating everything what I did - because, WTF, I am not an asset.
And I will never be "perfect" whatever on the Earth it means. And WTF.
I actually couldn't eat half of my "usual binge" - my body rejects it.
I've made conclusions, time for error correction. Time to silent that voice that keeps me down.
Tomorrow I'll change my sugar-free date. And, after all - I set up my own record - a month without sweets. Records are set to be beaten. And I'll beat this one)
Thank you, pals, for great support.
Turning another page in my recovery book.
See you later)
But I must admit I stumbled.
Though it's been somewhat different this time.
I've been doing good. I was sure I left it behind - didn't crave sweets, enjoyed my sugar-free nutrition.
But my mind seems to lag behind my physics. I feel great, but old patterns scream: "Wait, wait, this new life is not for you, you are not ready".
I can tell when it began this time - not today, actually. Today it just burst out. It started somewhat a week ago. I know, you are probably sick by now from my 6-pack abs, but what can I do - I like my belly this way). And I got them back). But a week ago I was drying my hair at the gym, looked at myself at the mirror and suddenly realized that 6-pack. not 6-pack, I will never be a "perfect asset" that my Mom and my brother (yes, him too) wanted to see and use me when I was young and way too dependent and vulnerable. There's always will be something "not perfect" in me - legs, cheeks, pardon my french - "boobs".
I got back from the gym depressed and lost - am I doing what I am doing for myself, or still trying to be a "perfect-worth-of-invested in-me-money- asset" for my wicked family?
I even felt somewhat resistant to it and to healthy eating "Love me imperfect".
Since then I've been swinging - today the beast "finished me off". Smart fight, jerk.
The last drop was when I found myself in places I was some years ago and just almost physically plunged into that emotional state of unhappiness and despair. When I got home it wasn't me - it was my emotional phantom which craved sweets.
Why it was different? I didn't beat myself up. I don't mean that it's "no big deal" - it's a big deal, a big deal that I am still defeated my stinking thinking. But I am not making the situation worse my beating myself and calling names.
Ok, it's a lesson. I was pointed out where my weak spots are - I have to work through them. And I will. Hell, I will.
Then, I've realized that I am doing it for myself now, not for someone who want a "good asset". My body doesn't like this, I feel bad. I distinctly feel that I don't like it - I felt great without it. I don't need shabby escape of sweets to balance and comfort myself - I can do without it.
I skipped a boxing class because it wasn't a good idea to run, jump and punch stuffed with sweets up to mu brains) I realized I am missing it) Missing fun I am having there, missing guys, trainers. I am not doing it to prove anything to anyone - I just simply like it. Because real me unfolds there- doing what I like and learning from other people.
Earlier in my life I was not allowed to do anything that doesn't generate any kind of return. I mean - if I did something, it never was for fun - always to add more scores to me as an assets. So, I ended up hating everything what I did - because, WTF, I am not an asset.
And I will never be "perfect" whatever on the Earth it means. And WTF.
I actually couldn't eat half of my "usual binge" - my body rejects it.
I've made conclusions, time for error correction. Time to silent that voice that keeps me down.
Tomorrow I'll change my sugar-free date. And, after all - I set up my own record - a month without sweets. Records are set to be beaten. And I'll beat this one)
Thank you, pals, for great support.
Turning another page in my recovery book.
See you later)
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
OK, some update here.
Today I woke up all in a sweat from yesterday's huge sugar intake, face and belly bloated. Mood was terrible because of the same reason.
Later on, following drop in sugar, my body craved for more. So I dug out tossed chocolate candies out of the trash bin, and ate them.
No comments.
If it's not addiction, I don't know what it is.
Absolutely clear pattern here - I have this "sugar" hangover the next day.
Spend all day in a terrible mood, was absolutely out of energy at the boxing class.
Ok, stubborn as I am, I think I got my final proof that I can't moderate it either.
Ok. No reflections this time.
Just.. I' ve been doing less meditation these days, and kind of lost this connection with my authentic self, and...
That's it for today.
Today I woke up all in a sweat from yesterday's huge sugar intake, face and belly bloated. Mood was terrible because of the same reason.
Later on, following drop in sugar, my body craved for more. So I dug out tossed chocolate candies out of the trash bin, and ate them.
No comments.
If it's not addiction, I don't know what it is.
Absolutely clear pattern here - I have this "sugar" hangover the next day.
Spend all day in a terrible mood, was absolutely out of energy at the boxing class.
Ok, stubborn as I am, I think I got my final proof that I can't moderate it either.
Ok. No reflections this time.
Just.. I' ve been doing less meditation these days, and kind of lost this connection with my authentic self, and...
That's it for today.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I can totally relate to the need for perfection. I have been guilty of that too. I always have goals of what I need to achieve, especially at work. Although that's not bad in itself, what I put on my never-ending lists are not even achievable. Then comes the inevitable beating myself up phase..and the focus on the negatives, followed by the beast who is licking his lips in anticipation of a spectacular fail and then....a craving for cigarettes. It's so bloody predictable.
I do it in all areas of life, but work remains my biggest stress and trigger for the AV.
I'm making steps forward with this though. I am learning to manage my workload better. It is impossible to achieve everything so I can let go of the guilt when I don't. I prioritise. I speak up to my boss when there is a particularly difficult problem to resolve rather than taking it on myself, I am more honest I guess. And I've stopped worrying, for the most part, what other people think of me. If my motives are right, then my conscience is clear.
I think sometimes if we're too goal driven, we forget to enjoy the journey. Our brains go too fast and are focused on the end result. If we achieve, there will always be that next thing on the list to aim for, and if we fail...well there's that beast just waiting....
How about taking the weekend to do stuff just for you. Do things because they feel good, not because they will help you lose weight, get fitter, take that next rung up the ladder.
Take good care of you my lovely friend. You really do deserve it xxxxxx
I do it in all areas of life, but work remains my biggest stress and trigger for the AV.
I'm making steps forward with this though. I am learning to manage my workload better. It is impossible to achieve everything so I can let go of the guilt when I don't. I prioritise. I speak up to my boss when there is a particularly difficult problem to resolve rather than taking it on myself, I am more honest I guess. And I've stopped worrying, for the most part, what other people think of me. If my motives are right, then my conscience is clear.
I think sometimes if we're too goal driven, we forget to enjoy the journey. Our brains go too fast and are focused on the end result. If we achieve, there will always be that next thing on the list to aim for, and if we fail...well there's that beast just waiting....
How about taking the weekend to do stuff just for you. Do things because they feel good, not because they will help you lose weight, get fitter, take that next rung up the ladder.
Take good care of you my lovely friend. You really do deserve it xxxxxx
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, pals)
Thank you so much for encouragement and insightful posts.
Feeling better today, thought have sugar cravings. I thought I got rid of them. The Beast is licking its lips, whispering to me that I am fine, I've had an intense workout today, I deserve some retreat, I am too hard on myself. Aha.
BTW, I am celebrating 11 months sobriety milestone today. My major battle where I left no single chance to the Beast, but still it tries to take advantage of it - like I've been doing so good in my sobriety, so I deserve some "comfy food". What a jerk!
Jeni, the idea to have a perfection-free weekend sounds great. The only issue here is that I am absolutely out of habit by now doing anything that just feels good, no matter if it adds to my score or not. I believe it needs practicing, like other things. I'm sure it will open more of authentic badass midnight.
Have a great sober weekend, pals)
Thank you so much for encouragement and insightful posts.
Feeling better today, thought have sugar cravings. I thought I got rid of them. The Beast is licking its lips, whispering to me that I am fine, I've had an intense workout today, I deserve some retreat, I am too hard on myself. Aha.
BTW, I am celebrating 11 months sobriety milestone today. My major battle where I left no single chance to the Beast, but still it tries to take advantage of it - like I've been doing so good in my sobriety, so I deserve some "comfy food". What a jerk!
Jeni, the idea to have a perfection-free weekend sounds great. The only issue here is that I am absolutely out of habit by now doing anything that just feels good, no matter if it adds to my score or not. I believe it needs practicing, like other things. I'm sure it will open more of authentic badass midnight.
Have a great sober weekend, pals)
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Jeni, 4 months! WOW!! Awesome!
You are a true real undefeated badass and such an inspiration to me!
P.S. Little update for today - I almost bought myself cookies tonight, was just staring at them and even chose some, took them from te shelf... but... but put them back.. because, for crying out loud - I am badass or what?
You are a true real undefeated badass and such an inspiration to me!
P.S. Little update for today - I almost bought myself cookies tonight, was just staring at them and even chose some, took them from te shelf... but... but put them back.. because, for crying out loud - I am badass or what?
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, pals.
Barely made it by the skin of my teeth today.
The Beast was twisting my arms because I felt...great. It's bean ages since I felt that good, so I (or AV?) desperately wanted to push this feeling to the extreme. Like I was absolutely sure that tomorrow the hell itself will be raining on me again, so I have to use every tiny chance to "drink in" this upbeat feeling of elevated mood.
I was circling the room, craving for hot bread, cheese, chocolate souffle, cookies...
I was watching... boxing fight) Surprised?))) Mayweather vs. Canelo. Who new that I would enjoy this that much.
I feel now like I really miss emotions, miss being "wild", spontaneous, but do not know how to do it so I can really enjoy it, not just rebel for the fact of rebellion doing stupid things just to break the mould.
Anyway, I am a winner today) Where's my champion's belt?
Have a good day/night, pals.
Barely made it by the skin of my teeth today.
The Beast was twisting my arms because I felt...great. It's bean ages since I felt that good, so I (or AV?) desperately wanted to push this feeling to the extreme. Like I was absolutely sure that tomorrow the hell itself will be raining on me again, so I have to use every tiny chance to "drink in" this upbeat feeling of elevated mood.
I was circling the room, craving for hot bread, cheese, chocolate souffle, cookies...
I was watching... boxing fight) Surprised?))) Mayweather vs. Canelo. Who new that I would enjoy this that much.
I feel now like I really miss emotions, miss being "wild", spontaneous, but do not know how to do it so I can really enjoy it, not just rebel for the fact of rebellion doing stupid things just to break the mould.
Anyway, I am a winner today) Where's my champion's belt?
Have a good day/night, pals.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Thanks, Jeni)
I feel uber sh*** today - cold and fever, but had to got outside to make some grocery and medicine shopping. Literally dragged myself from shelves with sweets, but still ended up with not sweets/cookies and other crap.
Hope I will getter soon.
Have a good day, pals)
I feel uber sh*** today - cold and fever, but had to got outside to make some grocery and medicine shopping. Literally dragged myself from shelves with sweets, but still ended up with not sweets/cookies and other crap.
Hope I will getter soon.
Have a good day, pals)
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