LDT

Hey guys.....just reading through your thread and had to ditto Amanda's sentiments on Turkey. I lived there as a young girl and the history is incredible! I say go,for it, Jeni!

MidnightBlue

Hi, my badass pals.

Jeni - So glad that your vacations were so great! Sounds like paradise. You deserved a good refreshing rest after all this great sobriety work you've done. So great that you kicked your AV and walked away from the tobacco kiosk.

And I hear you about coming back to reality with its old issues. It's always such a contrast to vacations when we leave all our worries somewhere at passporst control zone of the airport.

I have also have huge family issues - with my brother, still unresolved. I think on moment at a time. We are definetely stronger now, whatever AV tries to tell us. And life is surely cool!

As for eating - baby steps) Good high-quality dark chocolate is still fine with healthy nutition)

And I absolutely second everything that Ananda and LTD (great to see you here!) said about Turkey. I've been there 6 or 7 times. maybe. THere are a lot of interesting historical sites.


Bloss, Cleo - how are you doing?


As for me - I ate my last cookie, ice-cream, cake 20 days ago and don't have cravings about that. I feel muuuuch better since I stopped exposing my body to crazy sugar intakes. Well, if I can't eat one cookie and stop, then... I am pretty fine without them at all.

I have just about 2 kilos to loose to my target weight)


With another layer of addiction somehow peeled off, other issues became more prominent. I notice a lot of things I failed to pay attention before, just because I didn't listen neither to my body, nor to my feelings, but just dumbed them.


My boxing classed appeared to be much more challenge that just new sport to master and intense workout. Males in my class still "look down their nose" at me, and about a week ago one smartass even approached to me with an unsolicited advice "You should take more classes, you are throwing everything but a proper jab". I actually accepted it calmly, but my mood was spoiled. And I nad no wish to go to the next class. I was sitting in the changing room and thinking "Why in the hell do you need this?".

Then it struck me - it's just like life. It's a test to me. It's a perfect chance to learn how to be free from other people's appreciation, and just do what I want to, hot to be a real badass. I wrote in my amendments to the Big Plan that I would push myself out of comfort zone, even if I was feeling so anxious like throwing up. So, that was the case. For some moment I suddenly felt myself so pathetic, ridiculous, weak and unimportant. And, surely the Beast was right here to pretend to be my friend: "Come, come, baby. Why do you need this? Screw boxing, go home and have some sweets". Screw you, jerk. Then I got myself together and entered the class. Actually the trainer told me when I was working on punch mits with him: "My, you are in a good shape").

Then, boxing requires a lot of practicing in front of a mirror to master a proper stance and movements. And it's like hell to me. You know that I hate looking at the mirror at myself. So, when I just started and the trainer told me "Look at yourself, watch what you are doing", it was a torture. I turned the head away, looked down, escaped facing my reflection in the mirror my any means possible. No wonder it was damn hard to learn when I don't see what I am doing.

And another one. When you are practicing sparring you face your opponent, look straightforward and meet his eyes. And it's also damn hard for me. Since I hate looking at myself, I believe other people don't enjoy looking at me either. And for some stupid illogical reason I behave the same way as with the mirror - avoid looking, turning my head away, etc. But that's impossible in sparring. So, at some point I did start to look at the partner.

So, I am facing a lot of out of comfort staff here. And, I think, that's great - awesome practice how to behave in real life.

Another class tonight. Another overcome)


Best wishes to all!

See you later)

Cleopatra1

hiyalls,,hope you are all tickitty boo!!
midnite ,,i lv yr determination gal,,can u slice a bit orf and post it to me ??PLS??
ive been ever so good on the choccie front tho,,,not had any for over 3 wks,,didnt crave ,,but then i had such an awful day on wednesday,,i too have family issues going on mb,,its crippling innit??
i wont go into it,,but its totally broke my heart xxx
anyhoo,,,hubby brought me a bar of my fav,,bless him,,but i didnt eat it there n then,,i put it in the fridge ,,for the wknd ,,lol
then last nite,,as i cried myself to sleep ,,i hopped downstairs and ate it wiv a glass of milk,,oh my,,that was the best ever,,but i got to thinking that ,,,oh dear ,,here we go again,,my feckin av,,is now a lil devil on my shoulder dressed in a gorgeous deep purple,,that has its own copyrite on the shade ,,,!!!!

so,,ive made a plan,,today i will not eat any,,and i will not change my mind xx

i think i mite looke into boxing classes mb,,i really think it would be such a great way to stay in shape,,or rather ,,get in shape atm,,,and wow,,i bet its fantabulous to get yr frustrations out eh??

so,,happy friday everyone,,jen,,bloss,ldt ,,amanda???
and of course ,,mb you baddass boxing queen ,,xxx

hugs xx cleo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

MidnightBlue

Hi, Cleo)

You can have not just a slice but a lot of my determination - I am sending it to you right now!

Oh, family issues, this sucking-energy-out black hole. Don't beat yourself up over one chocolate bar, but it's a great idea to make a plan. Actually sweets is just a habit which can be successfully kicked out and replace by something more pleasant and useful)

Boxing? It's really great way to get in shape - it makes all the groups of muscles work, great cardio, and awesome to beat pshychological issues as well.

So, welcome to badass boxing club!

Have a great weekend)

Ananda

Midnight Blue … I struggle a lot with the whole what others think or say thing. It’s been really hard to step back and say..oh..interesting, they have an opinion (LOL) or mmm…so I can read their mind…I have to remember “so what”…

In the absence of any positive words, I assume the negative about myself, or at least that has been a pattern in the past and is a pattern that has returned to be worked through again this go around.

There is always someone who is willing to walk all the way across the room just to tell you what is wrong with you. I just have to remember that they don’t know. There isn’t really anything “wrong” with any of us. Some things we do “better” (in a way that people like) and some things we don’t do so well (people don’t like it). It sure helps when I can laugh about it.

Actually my name is Ananda..but it’s ok, I get called lots of things LOL … What do you call a herd of turkeys?

Turkey Brigade


:

"oh oh oh oh..Turkey bound"

Nands

MidnightBlue

Hey, Ananda)

Thank you for the great post. I totally relate to this "others think or say". "so what" - I should write it somewhere and keep close when I start fidgeting about this.

Love the turkey brigade!

Maybe, call them "badass turkey brigade"?))))

Cleopatra1

ty mb,,you are such a luvveee,,and ananda,,im sorry,,i put a m in not a n....
ok,,so ive found a local boxing club,,well its kick boxing too,,but rite nr where i live,,,so im gonna sign up ,,,thanx mb,,,will let u know how i get on,,xx
nands,,lving the turkey joke,!!!! soz i got yr name wrong,,,, and i like wot u said,,its so true,,,i need to take a step back ,,and take a deep breath ,,,and say ty for whom i do have in my life that is precious to me,,,find a lil corner in my hea d,,to put the ,,, douches xx

xx cleo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

LifeRecovery

There is a great quote that I have learned on this recovery journey that has meant a lot to me.

"What someone else thinks of me is none of my business."

Great job at working on that.

Jeni26

Wow, MB what a post! You are really pushing yourself way out of your comfort zone right now. I'm in awe. I can totally understand you when you say how important other people's opinions are of you. I was like that ALL the time, but just lately am less so. Maybe that's a sign of real progress?

We've got 4 women who work in the office at school...3 of them are lovely (1 particularly so, she and I really hit it off. You know when you just connect with someone so well that a look can pass between you that can reduce you to a fit of giggles? Well, that's me and her. We finish each others sentences and laugh at the most ridiculous stuff. I swear its her that keeps my head above water when things get really stressful). Well, anyway, the other woman, who's actually in charge of the office is a complete b*tch. I used to be SO wary of her. When I walked in with a cheery 'good morning', she used to mutter under her breath or ignore me completely. I swear I got completely hung up on this. I decided she thought I was incompetent, hated me, that I really shouldn't be working there...I made the whole thing about me. It gave me sleepless nights, I would hesitate to ask her anything, avoid her.

After a while of being sober and getting my act together I worked out that it was ALL to do with her own issues, nothing to do with me at all. I made myself deal with her on a professional level when I needed to. I made a point of standing and waiting for a reply when she ignored a question, and I stood up to her once or twice when she said something about work that I didn't agree with.

It does work, this pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone. She has since confided in me lots about her personal life which is just about as sad a story as I've heard. She's a lonely lady and now I feel kinda sorry for her.

I stopped making the whole thing about my own insecurities and paranoia and life just got a whole lot easier.

Cleo, my lovely, I'm so sorry you're having family problems and feeling so sad. I wish I could help. Just hang on in there, families are tough sometimes. I know that. Remember you've got us all to lean on. As for the sweet AV, I made a little promise to myself, if I could eat properly all week, then every Friday I will allow myself a piece of chocolate. I haven't eaten any for 2 weeks, but today I bought myself one. A treat. And I don't care...maybe you can be a bit lenient with yourself too today?xxx

Ananda, I hope your Mum's visit goes well. It's so easy to slip into old familiar ways of behaving when we don't feel strong in ourselves. And you are right, laughter helps so much. Thanks.

Gotta rush, take care everyone x

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals)

How' s everyone doing?

It's been quite a buse week for me.

Today the Beast almost got me, it has good chances I should say. I've felt extremely low, and, besides, I think my body's been a little bit exhausted being on strict nutrition plus intensive workouts, so I've decided to indulge myself in some dried fruit and some other stuff today. So, AV started its song that I definetely can afford some junk food as well. Well, it didn't succeed though.

It's really hard to get rid of old beliefs and old patterns. Now, when I am fighting all that is standing in my way, I often feel lost. Like all my life I've been restricted by walls built by my fears, and I've got used to it. And nothing I am destroying it but don't know the new world I am entering. If that makes sense.

I am doing meditation every day, and I've started to feel better, like I am discovering connection with my true self, but this connection is still so subtle, and when I lose it I re-start seeking external approval, and that tears me apart again.

Most of the time I feel like I am in some sort of emotional tornado now. I hope that this tornado will peel off all that's alien to me and finally I will reconnect to my authentic self.

My boxing continues to test my "badassness" and pushes me hard of the comfort zone.

Last Friday was fine, I even almost made pals with that smartass. Actually, trainer have us a lot of footwork to practice, and this smartass couldnt' get it. Gee))) Anyway.
Yesterday we were doing some exercise when we are throwing a stuffed ball (3 kg) to each other - kind of of improving reaction and other things. So, the trainer said "Stop" and I relaxed, but the other guy threw the ball at me, and the ball landed right on my face. My, it hurt like hell. I screamed bloody murder and, out of sudden...cursed. I mean I cursed a really nasty word, outloud!

And I feel so ashamed now. I can't help but dwelling on the thought that the other guys in the class and the trainer think now that I am just a hysterical, and bad-mannered, gal... I am freaking out because I am freaking out again about what other people think of me. Errrrrrrr..

Sorry, pals for whimpering about my stupid boxing again. But it's actually not about boxing, it's the way I generally perceive things. And I have to do something about that. Boxing is like touchstone here, it's some concentrated interaction with other people, and I am pretty lame about that.


It drives me crazy that some little things like that can set me absolutely off balance...

Thanks for letting me to rant)

My bigs hugs to all))

I think I am declaring September to be a month of discovering myself - to know myself will serve as a start for a new life and to move on at last.

See you all)

raku

That's a great quote !

Jeni26

Hi MB.

Methinks you're being the teeniest hard on yourself there...some guy throws a 3 kg ball in your face after he was told to stop?? And you're the one beating yourself up about your (understandable) reaction to that?? I think that other guy should be bending over backwards to say sorry to you. What a jerk.

MB, you are such a lovely thoughtful person. That's the real you. I understand completely the need for outside validation of that, and I'm thinking that confidence and self-esteem takes time to build.

Please try and remember the huge steps forward you have made this past year. Giving up drinking, kicking that binge eating AV out, taking up boxing. This journey of self-discovery will last for the rest of our lives. No need to rush.

From where I'm standing, you are doing great.

Proud to be your badass pal xxx

MidnightBlue

Hi, Jeni)

Thank you for such a nice post. It's really weird that way I perceive things - somehow I am always the one to blame. I think if I threw that ball in someone's face, I would just bury myself alive)

You are right - the journey of self-discovery is a lifetime adventure.

Thank you so much for you insight - it made me feel so much better.

How are you doing? How's your family matters?

Big hug to you.

Have a great sober weekend.

See you)

Jeni26

I'm good thanks. Beast has packed his suitcase and skidaddled....no point him hanging around. I'm happy with the non-smoking, non-drinking, healthy eating me. I've started a course in mindfulness meditation which I am loving. Work is going well, it's still as stressful but I'm more confident and have gained a whole new perspective on it all. I'm doing my best and recognising that's all I can do...stops me beating myself up on a regular basis. Therapy is actually moving forward...still hard but there's progress. Family? Well....still a tough one. Therapy is helping me accept what is mine to own there. I'm giving up that childish dream of having some sort of happy-ever-after. There isn't going to be one.

I'm happy. Calm. Focused. I'm going to actually allow myself to believe this is going to last now. I mean, stuff happens, life knocks us about sometimes. But I don't have to live in the past, and I don't need to worry any more about the 'what ifs' for the future.

Right now is good. And that will do me.

Have faith MB, really believe you deserve it, because we ALL do xxx

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals.

Jeni - you sound so confident! Glad that the beast left you. Mindful meditation - I love it too!

My Beast is still here, though it is not so loud and agressive as it used to be, but it's waiting for a chance to bite, like a snake. On weekend I was very tired and it started to talk me into buying some sweets. Well, even when I indulge myself in something now it its now even close to my old binges.

My real estate- family issues popped up again, and it threw me again on the black side of the mood. I think it's just the case when I feel so anxious like throwing up. I am hell scared again. I know, I have to walk through fear.

I feel really bad now. Time to remind myself that I am a badass, I think.

See you all all later)

Jeni26

MB-oh my friend, I totally understand that feeling of anxiety...it's so hard to get through.

Go for a walk, and take a moment to yourself. Take deep breaths and practice your meditation.

You are so totally badass. Being strong doesn't mean that we don't feel like this sometimes. I'm having a bit of a wobble today too. For me it means that I don't stay in bed any more and pull the duvet over my head, I don't reach for a cigarette, instead I get dressed and step out into the day. Good or bad, it will pass, and I will do the very best I can.

This situation will resolve itself for you. Arm yourself with the best legal advice you can. Get support from those who understand the system. Trust in yourself that you can do this no matter how hard. Believe that you deserve what is fair. I know this brings back old memories and emotions for you, but I know you can get through it. And you can do it without listening to that AV too xxx

MidnightBlue

Thank you so much, Jeni!

I am just about to leave home and face the day. And, yes, I am not hiding under duvet, and not reaching for "comforting food". I am trying to separate my emotions from it as much as possible, not easy though.

Going through this business will mean that I will get rid of all the manipulations my family put on me in the past, and that I am not a "helpless orphan" any more. I have to face it, I have to get my own life back at last.

I hope you'll have a good day, my badass pal) So grateful you are here)

See you later.

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals)

I've just realized that it's been a month since my last binge, and I haven't had a single cookie or ice-cream since then). I think I deserve some reward but have no idea what kind of reward since my rewards usually comprised some food.

Oh, and I've made another thing today which is out of my comfort zone - I've submitted one of my poems for a competition. I honestly don't care if I win or not, the point is - I've exposed myself to being judged.

I've had a great boxing class today. The whole day seems to be fine, and it's beautiful weather outside. But.. This f**** family business throws ugly shadows on this all-sunny day and sprinkles its poison... Ahhhhhh.... Why is that one pervert jerk, even thought it's my brother, keeps poisoning my life?

I know... I have to gather my guts and get through it... My family has hurt me enough. I do deserve my own life. I do. Why is that so hard for me to really believe it with all my heart? I keep repeating it, but feel like I don't believe it...

Ok, enough for rant.. I am smart and strong.. I will win.

See you later)

LifeRecovery

I had to make a list of things that were soothing, and comforting for me, that did not involved food.

I also then had to promise myself I wuold do them. For me they could not involve exercise either (for a bit).

Some examples:
I got to get a new CD or music
I got to get a pedicure
I got to go to a movie
I got to purchase a new plant

It did not have to be a big thing, but it was so hard to reward myself w/out food....that it took some significant time. Honestly I had a lot of anxiety come up about it at first. As with anything though it got easier over time

Jeni26

MB-How are you doing? X