Jeni26

Wow MB... Beautifully written. I was right there with you in that Art exhibition and on the subway ride home. I could feel the nostalgia as it came over you...and that hankering for what felt comfy. And I understand that self sabotage that crept in when your day was about as close to perfect as it could get.

If I can perhaps relay to you something that has happened to me recently. Last Wednesday morning as I'm about to go to work I get a text from my sister. My Dad is in hospital, he was rushed in during the early hours of the morning. I think the expectation was that I would drop everything and go see him. My brain is sort of trained in how to deal with family crisis and it shuts down... I guess I dissociate. I have to explain here that he is the person who beat the crap out of us as we were growing up and taunted me until i didn't have a shred of self confidence left. I carried on and went to work. I had a stressful day as days often are for me. On the way home I started thinking of my family. I was tearful anyway for work related reasons and I started imagining the way my family could have been, should have been. By the time I got home I had pretty much convinced myself that I was the worst daughter in the world and should get in touch immediately. Why wasn't I capable of feeling love for my own parents? What sort of monster was I? Ok...some self-torture, thoughts of how I could punish myself. A year ago I would have been struggling with all my addictions calling out to me....but it's ok. I've got my stay sober program firmly in place, my nicotine beast knows when to shut up now. It whispered but ya know it almost made me smile at its pathetic attempt.

The thing is, my brain had replaced the reality of my family life with some cross between the Waltons and Little House on the Prairie! I guess at that time it was trying to create something less horrific than the way it really was.

Reality check time...I phoned at lunchtime on Saturday. My brother answered. This is the brother who in my thoughts was still that little boy who for many years was my best friend. We looked out for each other and were so very close. He is now a 46 year old active alcoholic and drug addict, still living at home with my parents. Reality. He is drunk and abusive..he has become my Father. Even hearing his voice made my stress levels go through the roof. He is angry at my Mum for ....don't know...no reason. She is his enabler and lives with him and my Dad. She is an anxious codie who I can't possibly help but i want to shake her until she sees how dysfunctional the whole scene is. He rants on the phone to me..I listen but make no comment. I tell him I love him and hang up.

Little house on the Prairie has vanished. I don't go and see my Dad. I cannot manage that and keep all the rest of my life intact. My life is me and H and our kids.

I've rambled now and lost my point. I think it was that the bits of my life that are good...well I cling onto them. I'm so grateful to have stopped that cycle with any future generation. My kids won't phone me or their Dad and get drunken verbal abuse. They aren't scared of us.

Time for us to draw a line under our pasts MB. We are not children. We do not need those things in our lives that cause us harm. Nostalgia for what?? My memories were fake. We can also move forward while we examine our pasts if that's what we need to do. I'm still in therapy and I'm guessing I will be for some time yet. Some sessions are difficult but I'm not going back to past behaviours. I just won't smoke whatever is thrown at me. I can look forward and back and my mind can make up all sorts of family dynamics, I can feel guilty, hurt, betrayed, unloved. Whatever. But I just...don't...smoke. I won't drink either even if my brain tells me it would be a great idea.

You can beat this thing MB. I know it. Good days..even perfect days (I had a few of them in Crete)...sad days, frustrating days, angry days. We are going to get them, that's for sure.

But they can't make you binge eat. Have faith in my faith. I know you can do this.

Jen x

P.s I haven't been binge eating but I have been eating total rubbish, and that has to stop for me!! I'm on a healthy eating kick now (says she for about the millionth time!). Love you MB xxx

LifeRecovery

All-

Inspirational posts that you both wrote.

I just want to add that just this week in therapy I started to work on my newly termed "sick logic" talk (that is cyclical, spiral thinking).

It is such a hook for me.

Thanks to you both for showing me I am not by myself in this dysfunction and that there is hope for this too (as there has been for everything else).

MidnightBlue

Hi again, pals)

Jeni - Thank you so much for sharing your story, it gives me such a warm and healing feeling to know that I am not alone in this)

You are so right - it's time to draw the line and stop clinging to fake memories. I am a grown up person who will never binge over anything in my life again. Not any more. Just not any more. Because, how in the hell can I do it again when your faith in me is so strong?

I just admire you - you had such a tough day at work added with family issues and still didn't let manipulate you the AV is damn scared of you.

LifeRecovery - Of course, you are not alone. Glad you liked our posts)

I messed up today. actually finished messing up 5 minutes ago. Flushed down the toilet the rest of ice-cream and cookies (I wonder, how much money I wasted like this by far?). Ok, what is gone is gone. This time I haven't trashed it - when sugar cravings come in play I can't believe myself and have no wish to find myself tomorrow standing in front of trash bin and digging out a chocolate bar).

This time I though have to remember one "tiny" detail when following my Big Plan - my body. It's surely great to think, analyze, etc., but my body deserves some respect here. It helps me with all the movements and activities, it works out 6 days a week , doing heavy weightlifting and intensive boxing, and along with this being constantly abused my under-sleeping, ridiculous sugar intake and binge eating.

I've just noticed, that somehow time's been flying so fast, that I've slipped into bingeing again almost a month ago! WOW! I'm even scared to step on scales - and the mirror is just ruthless... And sugar cravings became absolutely crazy...

I need to hook my body and mind off sugar. So I am going "cold turkey" for next 4 days.

No worries here! I am not going to starve and live on salad leaves alone. Just no sugar, no simple carbs, and some other sugary items. Good proteins, beans, veggies - I'll be fine).

I just have to kick out this addiction. It's become obsessive. It occupies my mind, again messes up with my projects, etc. I want it out of my life!

Wish me luck)

P.S. Just to wrap up this post on a "badass" note. You know, from time to time some girls come to my boxing class, anyway they never come back again. Yesterday my boxing trainer told me: "Listen, I won't pair you up with a girl again. You are so damn strong, you scare them hell out of the class".

I just hope I will do the same trick with my sugar/bingeing this time - scare this f*** out!

Jeni26

I just hope? Who's that talking? Not you...

You can do it. You WILL do it. Believe in yourself. And chucking all that ice cream?!? How badass.

LifeRecovery-sick logic. I haven't heard that phrase but I'm thinking I do that too. Sometimes when I'm talking to my therapist I know what she's going to say before she says it. I hear the words coming out of my mouth and know its BS from my past. Recognising it is the first step towards changing it. At least I think so...

Guys..dont forget that life is a journey. Don't forget to look out of the window and see the beauty as we travel along. There is no destination to reach where we will be magically 'fixed' and untroubled again. There is so much to be truly grateful for. MB you have your health, your sobriety and your love and compassion for others. I worry sometimes that I/we become so focused on some unattainable goal that we forget to have fun, to laugh, to enjoy..lets not miss the great stuff even in the tough times. Xxx

MidnightBlue

Thank you Jeni! So true!

P.S. I've just seen this pic on NatGeo. You know - whatever high waves of life (or cravings) are, I/we will surf them and go on top!

Jeni26

Ha! I can see you there MB, paddling away! Keep strong. X

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals.

So, I've started my sugar detoxing today.

The Beast is all whining and whimpering, and my, does it feel pretty much like Day 1 when I quit wine.

I am in terrible mood, fell irritate and very anxious. The Beast wants me to crawl under the blanket and eat away my anxiety with sweets. I told it to go to hell and just took a nap. It's smirking at me again: "What? You mean never-ever cheesecakes or wonderful delicious chocolate cakes? Come one!". Or, shut up.

I feel like I've been in a time machine and got in the October of the last year, when I was reading SR in the first days of sobriety, and my body and mind were bursting with anxiety.

There were a couple of moments today when I felt so depressed that the Beast even dared to make hints about some wine to wash down anxiety. Aha.

Well, hope tomorrow will be better.

See you)

Jeni26

Love to you. Stay strong x

GerandTwine

When I was a small child, I would try to copy my dad who could wiggle his ears. I would contort my facial muscles all around, but nothing would happen. Then, when I was in seventh grade, I decided to learn how to wiggle them. I would spend the time walking to school practicing. Well, it came faster than I thought it would. It wasn't my eyebrow muscles, my jaw muscles or my cheek muscles. It was right behind my ears where I concentrated and began to get movement after a few weeks of conscious thought. Ever since, I can wiggle my ears.

I can still move my jaw, raise my eyebrows, and force a smile, like I did as a small child trying to copy my dad, but those exercises still prove futile to move my ears. But now I can just decide to, and I wiggle my ears and get on to what's next.

As an adult, I struggled for a long time with how to make a plan to quit drinking stick for good. I decided to learn AVRT as Jack Trimpey was developing it. It made all the sense in the world. For decades I have been able to recognize my Beast of booze and buzz just as easily as I can wiggle my ears.

In the first half of 2012, I was working on using AVRT to never again eat man-made sweets, and I re-learned something very important about AVRT that had slipped my mind from when I quit booze and drugs.

1) AVRT doesn't work without a Big Plan
2) Having a Big Plan forces me to separate from my Beast and its AV.

You see, I was trying to use AVRT on man-made sweets without a Big Plan and it didn't work. Well, I finally resolved all that in a thread here on SR in May and June of last year when I made that Big Plan in the middle of a post. Ever since, I perfectly recognize that sugar Beast every single time the idea comes up - "Can I eat that?" "No." Just like "Can I wiggle my ears?" "Yes." It's that simple. Then I get on with what's next.

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals.

Day 2 of my sugar detox. Beast is whining. I don't listen. Business as usual.

Boxing is good. New therapist was good as well - glad I decided to make appointment. I told her about the major problem that stands in my way - about me and my brother and what happened. So we are going to focus on this, work it through and leave behind. I fell positive and full of hope.

Jeni - like you said - it's time to draw the line. I want to work through this issue, split the property and never see my brother again. Even though it may take some time, I am strong enough to cope with it. And I will do. And the beast can shut f**k up.

GT - Thank you for your inspiring post. I'll try to find the thread where you made you BP about sweets. I actually made my Big Plan, but maybe missing something.

Feel tired and sleepy, so I think I'll call it a day.

See you, pals)

GerandTwine

I made my Big Plan against man-made sweets in post #336 of part IV of the AVRT threads (on pg. 17) originally started by TerminallyUnique. I was discussing the relationship between the BP and the rest of AVRT with Dalek.

While I hardly ever think of that moment any more, I will never forget it. For me making the Big Plan (I've done it for 4 things) is moment of ultimately profound mind presence that can't help but IMPRINT permanently on my memory; like when I saw my son born, my wife say "I do." and my dad die.

Jeni26

Hey MB...how are you doing?

I know seccies don't count the days but....I've not smoked for 5 months now!!!
Never thought this was possible. I had to go to a funeral yesterday of a beautiful little girl from our school who died of leukaemia. Hard day, understandably highly emotional, and there was the beast on my shoulder again. It just won't happen, my smoking days are over. Interesting to note, I don't even consider drinking any more, but the nicotine beast still lurks. I guess it's just a matter of time before it realises it is well and truly beaten.

Hope you're ok. Thinking of you x

MidnightBlue

Hi, all)

Jeni - what a hard day you had yesterday. And the beast - always here to attack when we are emotionally vulnerable.

Congrats on 5 months non-smoking! That's just simply and absolutely great!

I had a severe anxiety attack yesterday in the evening. I was about just to run to buy some cakes or whatever to ease and "eat away" this. Then I just got to bed, watched some moovie and finally fell asleep. Though overate nuts and feel terrible today.

Actaully I've never realizied how high my level of anxiety is. This time I have to face it and deal with it, rather that run from it...

But to tell the truth, I fell so weak now...

But, I have your faith, Jeni...

And it's day four,final day of my sugar detox. I'll see what to do next.

See you later)

MidnightBlue

Quick update.

Though it was hell hard and yesterday I had a very narrow escape from giving in, I am closing Day 4 UNDEFEATED!

Surely, the beast is whispering and smirking: "Oh, do you really believe that you will keep up the progress?". Oh, shut up, jerk. One fight at a day. And today I've won. And even made it to the boxing class)

See you, pals.

GerandTwine

Hi MnB,

When you said you may be missing something from your Big Plan (which you spelled out in your original post) I went to reread it and it looks great. But you obviously didn't actually do it, at least not before four days ago.

If you reread your plan for a Big Plan from five months ago, I believe you would find it a relief to institute it right now.

By getting a good RT, you can identify your AV, and when IT gets antsy and whiny ignore it and get on with the next thing in your life.

I'm up there in years, and guess what, life is short, and I'm so glad I was able to exit the recovery group movement for so many of the prime decades in my life. It seems to me you are spinning your wheels without the traction of AVRT. Struggling over and over and over about a consuming addiction is something that, if you really DO AVRT, will end permanently.

I was barely overweight when I binged on sugar. When I quit I lost twenty pounds in two months and it's stayed that way. I can also outperform 90% of everyone else in the group fitness classes I attend at the gym.

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals.

I am still here, still not eating any processed sugars, gradually started adding fruit and dried fruit in my nutrition; still not bingeing.

Anyway, I still suffer from anxiety, which has been added my some hopelessness and finally today I've slipped in complete anhedonia. I just want to stay in bed all the time, even without sweets, without any delicious food. Just take a break from the thoughts and... from the life?

GT - thank you for your insight. I've read your thread on BP on sugars - quite a food for thought, and what a great work you did, I should say. In my case, I still can't find that "click" that will shift my thinking forever. At least that's what I feel.

Still exercising, boxing... was hit by another 3 kg ball... kept quiet this time...

Anhedonia as usual...

See you later.

LifeRecovery

Midnight-

I am so sorry, it is hard when I feel that way, especially when I am in those feelings.

My therapist told me when I was starting to feel again, that it was "worse" because of how I had been bottling up those feelings for so long....they felt bigger, because it was not just "in the moment," feelings, but years and years of the feelings I had not allowed myself to feel.

That did not make it any better in the moment.

After a couple of periods of this in my life I was able to observe that she was right....and as hard as it was to feel it, it was harder to pretend it was not there.

I am glad you are taking care of you.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Liferecovery)

Yes, these feelings has been growing for a long time...

As I've mentioned I've started sessions with a new therapist, and as part of therapy I am writing letters to my brother and mother. I believe considering what I am writing I should be prepared to feel like this for another month or so.

But the good thing I've started to "sit with my feelings". Not to rush from them, but "living them through".

See you)

Jeni26

MB-I know it's hard when anxiety strikes. I have suffered a lot with that in the past..particularly when letting go of an addiction.

When I gave up drinking, I had the most awful panic attacks...taking away that crutch just scared the cr*p out of me. I felt it again with the smoking. For the first few weeks I felt like punching walls and raging against the world. Actually that's exactly what I did!

It isn't easy I know. Be gentle on yourself. PM me if you want...I'm totally rushed off my feet at the moment with work and other stuff. My Dad is in hospital and I've got a ton of emotional crap from my family being dumped on me. Coping but not managing to be on SR quite as much. PMs will come straight through to my phone and I WILL get back to you.

My faith is as strong as ever MB...you are one tough cookie you know that? You are very close to being sober for one year now...you are a survivor who has kicked drinking out of her life. It would be so easy to remain in the shadows and hide behind our addictions when we have been hurt in the ways we have...

YOU HAVE KICKED BOOZE AND BINGE EATING!!

You are as strong and badass as they come. I admire you so much. Yes it hurts...but you are doing it despite that.

Cool xxx

Jeni26

How are you doing today my friend?

Ok...I'm at last ready to make a big plan to address some of the stuff I eat...I have skipped around and dodged this for long enough.

I'm not sure where to start with it though. I don't want to cut out sugar completely but I eat too many sweets, chocolate, biscuits and cake. I have always been a chocoholic but the biscuits is a new vice (since quitting smoking), and I used to actually dislike cake and ice cream. But not now!

Now, I did this amazingly well with smoking. I just stopped and I won't ever change my mind with that. I took on board the separation of my voice with the beasts and I learned to recognise it and move on.

Should be easy to transfer that skill to another addiction then shouldn't it?

I've read the principles of TAPS..time, amount, place, stuff from 'Taming the Feast Beast'. I just need to take that deep breath and do it. I know there isn't the same sort of motivation to do this which has been my stumbling block. It isn't about to kill me this addiction, I don't connect it to my emotional state particularly...but I want to be healthier. I want to treat my body with more respect. Sweet stuff makes me sluggish mentally and physically, it affects my moods a bit, I think.

I just want to give myself the best chance I can to do and be the best I can. Not sure that made sense!

Anyway...tomorrow. That's the day..my big plan will be made. The beast is already whining. Sigh.