gneiss

I'm so tired today, can't wait to go home and take a nap!

Strangely I've always been shy and easily flustered but when it comes down to one-on-one interactions with people, even ones I've been powerfully attracted to, I do just fine. If you are unable to control your emotions in a situation there are times when you need to at least learn to check your behavior. Learn to keep it in and not broadcast what you're thinking. My dad always told me "you could do it if your feet were on fire." Meaning if there's something more important is just a matter of setting your mind in order in terms of what you need to do. Good luck, E! It gets easier, everything is temporary.

windysan

happy mardi gras y'all

gneiss

It's not Tuesday. :P

shockozulu

Anyone else watching the Winter Games? Maybe its my past in figure skating but I can't get enough of the sleds, skiing and (of course) Figure skating and hockey.

shockozulu

Hope you are having a good one Windy. Any interesting stories to tell us this year?

gneiss

Hey now it's Tuesday! Happy Mardi Gras.

Alera, I love the Olympics. Having fun watching the games this year.

I had a moment of realization that I probably should have had a long time ago. I get so upset about stuff and take things personally at night; nights are always the worst. I think it's just when I'm tired. When these little hiccups happen-- people ticking me off or me getting stressed out-- during the day they aren't so much of a problem. I think I just need a different schedule, little more chill-out time in the evening perhaps. My sleep schedule's been really weird lately, too. That doesn't help.

Phone woke me up and now I can't get back to sleep. Argh.

shockozulu

Sorry about the phone. I just hate that.

gneiss, just replied to your other thread. I'm awake too. Kitten woke me up when I was three quarters asleep. Ever been at that point where you are so tired from lack of sleep you can't sleep? That's me tonight!

Hope you have better luck sleeping tonight than I have.

gneiss

Thanks, Alera. I snoozed off not too long after I posted. I'm still tired though, I had only been asleep for an hour or so when the phone rang. Watching snowboard cross did the trick... late-night Olympic re-runs.

I think I might take it easy today, my class is canceled and I'm thinking about dropping it anyway. Still though, until I make up my mind for sure I have to do the homework.

tyler

Nighttime is always danger time for me too. I've never really been able to put a finger on what it is. It is the time I feel a little "squirley" and want to drink/use, even when the thought hasn't crossed my mind all day.

I've always had trouble getting to sleep at night. I can lie down and take a nap in the daytime and be asleep in 5 min, but at night, even if I'm exausted, it always takes me between a half hour to an hour or more to fall asleep, and that is taking my perscribed meds. (1mg xanax, 150mg triazodone) My mind races, I'm prone to "beating myself up" for any number of reasons (I have lots to choose from!!) I've tried relaxation exercises, medatation, changing what I do before I go to bed, but it always seems the same. I've just kinda accepted that it is just how I am.

I'm also much more prone to depressive thinking at night. I've had a number of indications and suggestions from theripists, etc. that I show many signs of repressed childhood trauma. I have my thoughts about what might of happened, but haven't been able to allow myself to open up that can of worms, even though I think it would be helpful in the long run. For the time being, I continue to keep those thoughts stuffed down inside, and I'm doing OK. Maybe I just need to take one thing at a time. Who knows? Take care.

traderjane

Hi guys ... this looks like an interesting thread so I thought I'd join in!

LOVE the Olympics. If it were up to me, I'd watch all night every night. My 3 kids make it nearly impossible to do that... but I'm trying to watch what I can.

I went to a SMART recovery meeting, my first one, last night. It was good. Just what I need. I only have a few days sober under my belt, so I think I need the face to face support each week.

My thoughts of wanting to drink usually occur around 4:00 or 5:00 in the afternoon --- happy hour. If I can get over the hump, which I have been able to do for the past few days, I'm in good shape.

I'm an awesome sleeper and have very wild and vivid dreams. When I was drinking, I could not sleep and was up most of the night. I couldn't dream. And if I did, they were bad dreams. I'm so happy to be sleeping and dreaming again!

gneiss

Hey TraderJane. Haven't seen you on SC before, so welcome. And if you have been on SC and I missed it... welcome anyway, I guess

I'm really exhausted tonight. I'm having trouble staying asleep again, had an early class this morning and a late class that I just got out of about an hour ago. It's always so hard for me to wind down after class. I might just do my homework.

So I'm trying to have a little more positive attitude toward things. I hung out last night with a friend who recently got out of rehab. I figured this would be a good person to chill with, right? Wrong! "So... uh.... you remember that guy? What was his name? That black guy you used to hang with? Do you still talk to him at all?" Well, since I quit doing coke I don't hang out with my dealer anymore. Good to know why he wanted to hang out though. I'm a little disappointed, but I haven't spoken to him for 6 months and I didn't really miss him so... *shrug*

A good friend-- one who helped me more than anyone else get clean-- is in the hospital with a horrible infection that may have moved into his brain. He's not in good shape at all and I'm totally stressing out about that.

Deep breath. This sucks. I really wanted to see things more positively, just try thinking better for a couple days and my life is conspiring against me. Trying to keep it all in perspective.

shockozulu

Going through a really hard time right now. The Men's Figure Skating is making me miss a teenager (later a man) I trained with. He died of an cocaine overdose a year ago. I had no idea these emotions would come back.

Before he was abusing drugs, he was one of those guys that was a lot of fun to be with. That's part of the problem. Its hard to understand why such a fun guy is the one that had to die.

Once the womens and ice dancing start up here in Vancouver I'll be enjoying the skating again.

gneiss

Hugs, Alera.

OK. A couple bits of good news. #1, my friend is doing a bit better. They found an anti-biotic that seems to work (the first 5 or 6 didn't... resistant bacteria). So at least that's a bit less stress.

And... ta-da! I got my first exam score back for the semester. 97.65%. I love me not on dope. I'm so much more awesome. LOL

So I was in class when the Olympics originally aired earlier and I'm watching the rerun now. Shaun White, a snowboarder, flubbed his run on a qualifier for half-pipe snowboard (no worries, his score was high enough he didn't need it to be in the final). Other people made little flubs and the announcers didn't think it was strange. Shaun White made one and immediately they discussed that it may be deteriorating snow conditions due to the weather. No one else got an excuse. LOL that sort of stuff annoys me.

Live

Long time insomniac here
I have gone back to the drawing board with it...on my better evenings I drink chamomile tea, soak in a warm bath and.... don't laugh...but I think one of the most helpful things is giving myself a foot reflexology massage (I used to be able to put myself back to sleep with one when I woke up during the night)
Like you, Tyler, I was on xanax and trazadone for several years..I don't want to take either of those anymore. But I do miss the immediate put me under effect of the xanax...tho' it is short lived without the trazadone.
I used to be able to read myself to sleep too..now I get interested and stay awake longer. ppfffffftt.
guess I will go choose one of the library books I brought home in a few...

traderjane

Hi everyone! The Olympics last night were awesome. Loved seeing Lindsey Vonn win the gold and Shaun White do his stuff!!! Very cool! I have finally got my kids interested in watching, so that makes it a little easier for me to watch myself. My youngest, a 6year old boy, wants to watch the men's figure skating. He thought that snowboarding was awesome!!!

Speaking of sleeping and dreams, last night I slept very well and deeply and had my first "drinking" dream since I gave it up 6 days ago. It was very vivid. I was out somewhere, gave into the temptation, started drinking, and was actually disappointed with myself in the dream. You can imagine how relieved I was to wake up and realize it was just a dream. I have heard many people here on SR having similar experiences about dreaming. I guess it's just the mind's way of working things out...

I have a SMART meeting coming up on Monday night and I had to hire a babysitter in order to go because my ex is out of town on business and my au pair on vacation in London. It would have been easy to say "Screw it" but I am so serious about this now and feel at this early stage I need to go to that meeting every week to establish a bond with those people there. When I tried to go to AA last fall, I went to different meetings with never the same people and felt kind of lost. I want to feel like a part of a recovery group now.

Have a good day everyone!!!

Laura

shockozulu

Still really sad. Just can't get my old training mate out of my head. Just breaks my heart to remember how filled with life he was. You'd think after two years I'd be over this, but for some reason I'm not. Don't know if I'm just that angry at his addiction, if I need to let go of my past in the sport or what...but its really painful for me right now. I'd appreciate good thoughts.

gneiss, so glad to hear they found an antibiotic for your friend that is working!

Eroica

congrats jane on 6 days!

I feel so bad when an olympic hopeful crashes and burns. There's something so depressing about watching someone work so hard at something and for one reason or another lose. But that's life, right? At least they're talented, healthy, and famous even if they don't win Gold.

gneiss

Everything seemed to come together today. I was walking into the store, totally stressing because I had to buy some stuff but I'm way low on cash. And as I crossed the parking lot there on the ground in front of me was a $20 bill. That sort of thing never happens to me.

I got an apology from someone who really did me wrong the other day. A real apology, the kind you get after someone has had a few days to stew in their misery, and realize how completely wrong they were. I haven't answered the phone and basically let him think I didn't want to talk to him again, even though I actually really did. I never used to play games like that but it's how he understands things and it works.

The Olympics are so much fun! It's a whole festival of "OMG Look what could happen if I got off the couch!" I actually sort of laugh every time a speed skater wipes out. Skiers and luge, for example, are going way too fast so when they wipe out it's scary. But when a spandex-clad man slides into foam padding... that's entertainment. LOL

shockozulu

Christopher Bowman had a great quote about his experience in the 1988 Olympics when he came in fourth. gneiss, so glad to hear you had a good day!

Eroica

Ok well I've gone another week without hitting on that guy, lets call him "Bob" but I think it's just so obvious to him now.... Now I can make eye contact with him but when I do my heart just starts beating really fast and I get flustered. One thing that gave it away was he asked a question about his homework, and I actually had his mistakes memorized so I told him what he did wrong without even looking at his assignment. Of course I didn't intentionally do this. (I don't "intentionally" grade his homework first either. It just kinda happens.) Then I sent him a long e-mail about how to practice ear training, like for no reason. Yes, I shouldn't have done that, but I felt I had to write to him even if it was strictly professional. He thanked me and said I was one of his best TAs.

Also, he's one of the last to leave everyday and we were standing so close today.. God I wanted to embrace him right there but of course I didn't. It was just so hard!!! I wanted to run my fingers over his cheeks and taste his lips, feel his hands against mine. (I'm like maybe 80% sure he's attracted to me, although I don't think he would do anything either, although a sick part of me wants him to make a move.) I'm so paranoid because I think one of the other students caught me checking Bob out, then looked at me like uh-huh...you perv. Of course there's no proof. I'm just trying so hard not to make it obvious. I make sure I only talk to Bob about the class and that's it.

That said, I don't think what I feel for him are "true" felings. Its a combination of lust, being extremely lonely, seeing him everyday, obesssion, and of course the possibility that he might be attracted to me too. Just march april may left, and then I'm sure whatever "feelings" I have for him will subside. I hope it ends because I was crying over this last night. Please help.. I feel like I may end up eventually binging on pills or alcohol just to forget about how stupid and pathetic I am.