shockozulu

Eroica, we go through phases here in secular. Sometimes crazy busy, sometimes quiet.

Goat, thanks for the heads up, if the doctor doesn't give me something tomorrow for my stomach I'll pick it up.

I'm still down with the ear infection, and by down I mean the only time I'm not laying down on the heating pad is when I'm peeing or eating. Well, dinner's almost over so catch you all later!

gneiss

Can't sleep. It's 2:00 and I'm wide awake. This is not insignificant since I've been turning into a pumpkin around 10:00 lately and I've been waking up around 4:30. Tonight for the first time in a long while I've wanted to drink. Not just a whim to go out and lose it for an evening. I don't recall having a night like this before. I don't just want an evening of oblivion; rather I've been mulling over the long-term consequences of simply letting it take over again. My more reasonable self told me to push that part of my brain into a sinkhole somewhere and leave it until it can behave itself. But the point remains that drinking and drugging let me not deal with stuff I don't want to deal with. On some level I still don't want to put on my big girl pants and deal with the world as an adult. I'm tired of crying over stuff I can't change, stuff that's in the past, stuff I'll never get an apology or explanation or even a straight story. Hell, I probably wouldn't believe it if I did get the real story because I don't trust anyone, so what does it matter? Why rehash it?

I wish I had a reset button.

windysan

I'm still here. yay for me.

gneiss

Morning makes things better. I'm still here.

Goat

I'm glad morning made it better... I hope the night doesn't make it worse again tonight!

-Goat

tyler

I know, for me, nights are the hardest time. It seems like the darkness unleashes my "demons" for some reason. The worst is when I can't sleep, I start thinking all kinds for crazy stuff. It used to be every night, but now it's only occassionally. Glad to hear you are feeling better this morning.

When I can't sleep, I now try to do anything to keep my mind from wandering to those dark places. Sometimes I will even get up, walk around, anything to shake those thoughts. Usually when I find myself going there I will "force" myself to think about something else, something more positive. One of my favorites it to think about what I'd do if I had unlimited money. All the people I could help, all the nice stuff I'd buy, the places I'd go visit. Its a bit narcisic, but at least it's a positive obsession!!

Hope you sleep better tonight. Take care.

Zencat

Im experiencing some strong cravings for...

...

Ananda

I drank for obliviation for a lot of years.....and I know this feeling well...it's the one that scares me the most....cause if I don't give a fck....it's hard to be sober....but I do believe that just white knuckling it through any way you can is better than drinking....just don't wanna live my life there all the time .

I'm glad the morning is a little better hon (hug) right here with you in my heart (hug)

Freepath

Gneiss,

I think that everyone here relates to the escape that intoxication provides. The problem with drinking or using due to stuff that you feel like crying over is that life ultimately becomes less happy and you become less inclined to have any control.

Most of the hurtful, sad stuff in my life can be traced directly back to addiction.

Just realize that you can come here for friendship and to vent anytime.

gneiss

Thanks everyone. Sorry I took so long to get back. My laptop is still out for repair and typing this in on my phone is a bit cumbersome.

Nights are the worst. I rarely have a problem during the day, but night comes and all the things that the daylight scared away creep out of the shadows. Also being tired makes it harder to deal with stuff. I'm not adjusting well to being alone either. It's taking longer than I thought it would.

Last night one of my profs invited all the grad students and other random people over to celebrate Australia day - he lived there for a while and it's as good excuse as any to socialize. There was wine and beer available but I had pop.

I have had trouble feeling like people like me, or even remember me. But last night several people talked to me and they certainly remembered me. One even invited me over to dinner. It's getting better, I'm making friends again. The right kind of friends this time.

Tonight I had an old drug buddy start some crap. He threatened me, "remember who I am, who I know, and what I know about you. All those drugs. I could ruin you." it's pathetic. I guess he could go tell he police about my drug use but he has no evidence so I'm not worried. It doesn't even make sense, he calls my friends and talks smack about me, says he didn't do it, and now threatens me like that. I texted him that if he's going to do that I have nothing to say to him. And after I told him that he sent me about 10 texts and tried to call 5 or 6 times in a row. It's almost like he wants attention and when I told him I'm done talking to him he immediately left a bunch of apologetic voicemails and messages.

People make me wanto strangle them sometimes.

Goat

Ha! That sounds like how high school kids behave when your dad gets a new car... They're jealous and they want what you have I think having old drug buddies that are jealous of the sobriety you have is not a bad thing.

I've been doing a lot of reading and typing on SR using my phone lately too. My "farmer with a fiberlink" internet service has been pretty wonky.

-Goat

gneiss

My laptop is back! Yay!!!!! It has a new hard drive and a new keyboard and I just installed Windows 7 on it. Life is good again. I immediately feel less cut off from the universe. Now to reinstall all my stuff!

I'm snowed in, once again. We have an ice storm going. I'm furious. I was supposed to have an exam tomorrow and it won't be a bad one at all so I was looking forward to a less-than-stressful hour, get it over and go have a good weekend. Not so. The university is closed tomorrow due to the weather and my professor just emailed a take-home exam. So I decided the only logical way to deal with that is a Harry Potter marathon. Ahh yes, that's me, all work, no work ethic.

Still sober. Working on 8 months now. Awesome.

shockozulu

gneiss, glad to hear about your clean time! Congrats.

Would you let me know how you like Windows 7 ? I don't know many people that have it and am curious about it.

tyler

I have 7 on my new computer and am very happy with it. I haven't really messed with any of the "cool" features or anything, but it seems to be stable and much quicker loading than Vista or XP. Of course it could also be the new computer that is just faster and is so far uncluttered with extra stuff. Either way, in my job I come in contact with quite a few folks who have new computers (I sell cell phones and wireless aircards). I have yet to hear anything bad from anyone about 7. It was certainly different with Vista, people were howling from the get go about that. 7 actually has lower speed and memory requirements than Vista did. Seems pretty solid so far.

BTW, lovin' the new computer. Rockin a Quad-core with 6 gigs of RAM and a 24" monitor....with spinners!!! LOL

allport

Am I the only person in the world who hasn't had a problem with Vista?

Congratulations Gneiss, I am so glad you are getting some time behind you and I love hearing about your progress.

HuskyPup

Hey all, have been away for a while, my home computer has a virus I have no luck in removing, looks like time to attempt to wipe the HD, or save up for a 'new' used PC. Ouch. Who cooks up these evil viruses???

Me, I'm doing OK, life has been a bit bumpy, have had some success not drinking, but it is hard socially. I tend to go stir crazy at night, after getting home from work, and not having the net at home has made me feel pretty isolated. Just not many people to hang out with when you get off at midnight...I've fought with this schedule for three years, and have yet to feel good about finding a way around the odd sense of lonlines it seems to engender.

Well, still trying, will pop in at work and read back more, hope all are well, hi to the new faces,

Goat, I like your user name!

Eroica, I love your idea about trying as many different cheeses as possible, a very worthy goal. I've found I love goat cheese, and even various blue cheeses, which I would not have thought at one time.

Gneiss, sounds like things are going well. I'm also thinking of going back to grad school, part time. I was thinking of an MLS (masters in library science), but I worry the demand might just keep drying up, so have been looking into a masters in social work, as I think people will continue to go neurotic and crazy, thus insuring a steady demand.

Will be back to say more to Tyler, windy, Alera, Ananda and everyone else here soon,

H. Pup

gneiss

Thanks everyone. Feeling good. Husky, grad school rocks! I completely support a stint in grad school if you can make it work. The Real World is so overrated.

So, Windows 7. I know it was very trendy to gripe about Vista but I never really had a problem with it, aside from the speed issues (I had 3x the minimum required RAM and it still froze all the time). 7 fixes it. It's smoking fast. There's some cool stuff on it to play with, too. Everything I didn't like about Vista is gone. So basically it's better, faster, and has more features than Vista.

I have an early class tomorrow, better get to sleep.

Goat

Not me, I swear. Though I did once resign from a job when I was asked by the president of the company to attack their main competitor's web site.

Heh, thanks I am a huge fan of goat cheese, too.

One of these days I plan to fence another area in my yard and get some goats. Access to goat milk and the ability to make goat cheese form it are strong motivators for me. Plus goats are an irresistible (for me) juxtaposition of cute and evil.

Of course liking goats and using "goat" for my username have nothing to do with each other. It happens that my countenance is somewhere between the big billy goat gruff and the troll under the bridge.

-Goat

Ananda

I've always wanted goats and sheep...I love goat cheese....wish i lived on a farm....

looking for a roommate Goat???? Perhaps the 3 of us could get a place together I'll be the stay at home caretaker and you two can bring in the money

gneiss

MMMMM, goat cheese. I know a goat farmer locally. My parents buy goat milk from him every week, mom makes her own homemade goat cheese. Frankly, it's bomb. I love it. In the spring I usually go out to the farm and play with the babies... and the guard dogs! Worst guard dogs ever out there! lol Goats are awesome except for their eyes. Creepy. *Shiver*

I keep having little down times, but overall things are getting better. I really started to feel like no one liked me for a while. It was so hard to make friends and I'd ignored a lot of people I used to be friends with. I can't blame the people I ignored for being cautious, I basically chose beer and drugs over hanging out with them. But it's all coming back. I've been invited to homework groups and dinner with friends, etc. It'll work out. It's easier without my roommate around, too. He's more outgoing so when we'd go to a party he'd take over and I'd get pushed out of the conversation and I lacked the confidence to go find someone else to hang out with. I really didn't realize how much of a toll the drugs took on my self confidence until the last couple of weeks. I quit 8 months ago! And people think I'm intelligent... ahh, if only they knew! lol