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Fantabulous Secular Connections Check-in Part VII

Old 03-16-2010, 09:52 AM
  # 361 (permalink)  
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tyler,

I've got 6 zerox boxes full of old papers to sort. I did a brief glance while getting the papers consolidated into those 6 boxes this past week, and just seeing the tip of the iceberg left me a little raw..especially the stuff from my dad's funeral....

I don't actually want to throw them away though...even though they can be painful, they document where I came from ... not just the pain but the joy as well...I can't afford to lie myself about my past anymore..color it only one way...cause that causes me to malfunction in today....

I'm a sum of all my parts....both the joy and the tears. It may hurt to look, and i certainly don't wanna dwell on it...but once i sort it, those 6 boxes will go back in storage to be reviewed in another 10 years....when i ad another box or two of my life to the pile...

Besides..I cherish my fathers diary that i found in his old papers...it showed me a side i didn't know..perhaps someday someone will want to see a little peice of me ....the good the bad and the ugly...
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Old 03-17-2010, 09:34 PM
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Feeling better tonite. Still riding the emotional rollercoaster. Doc is messing with my meds trying to find something that works, that proably hasn't helped. Hopefully it will in the long run. Started on a "mood stabilizer" last week. I've thought that was something that would be bennificial for a long time, but this is the first shot as it. At least today was a good day. Take care.
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Old 03-17-2010, 09:56 PM
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tyler...give the mood stablelizer a nice long chance to work....I added that to my regiem about 6 months ago...it seems to help take the edges off my mood swings, but it doesn't eliminate them.

it just means that i slowly slow down and stablize instead of crashing head first into the pavement....
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Old 03-18-2010, 05:03 AM
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Thanks, that's pretty much what the Doc said. Of course I'm such a patient person....LOL, but I am getting better with it. "Taking the edge off" would be great. I don't want to just be a zombie walking around not feeling anything, if I wanted that I'd just go back to smoking pot all the time!! Part of it is just getting used to "feeling" anything again, but the ups and downs are just too extreme, though I gotta admit the up's are kinda fun, except the dread of knowing a down is on the way. Kinda like our economy...except everyone seemed to think the high would last forever!! Take care.
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Old 03-18-2010, 06:14 AM
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jeez Tyler..everything you just said is me!!!!!

As far as being zommbied...well...do give yourself an adjustment period. The first 3 weeks i almost gave up cause i would drift off in mid-stream...and i was scared i'de loose all my "bounce" LOL....the Dr. laughed.."you! never!"

We did at one point temporarily half my dose and 2 months later I became manicly unfocused and increased back up to the full dose...which is working fine this time.

If you start to struggle...please feel free to post or write me about it...it's worth the work to get these things right
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Old 03-18-2010, 06:34 PM
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Thanks ananda. Today was a decent day. I'm off for 3 days this weekend and am going down to visit with my son. He's 9. We're going to try to build and lauch a model rocket...without blowing ourselves up!! Good thing I'm not still getting high!!! Life always seems better when I get to be with him, but it gets harder and harder to leave each time.

Currently he's about a 2 hr drive away, which is much better than the 20 hrs it was this time last year. Eventually I plan to move back down the coast to live in the same town. I still harbor hopes of getting back together with his mom, hard to say, we both love each other, but a lot of stuff has happened. We've been apart for over 7 years now and neither of us has even been on a "real" date, let alone any kind of relationship. Anyway, it bums me out to think about that whole situation, so I'm not going to do that now. I think I'll go rock out to some Guitar Hero. Now there is some mindless entertainment!!! Take care.
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Old 03-19-2010, 09:17 PM
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Got to spend the afternoon with my son today. We had fun, bought a rocket to launch tomorrow, gave him his metorites that we ordered off of Ebay last time he visited.

Gonna go fly kites at the beach tomorrow as well as try to launch the rocket. Overall a good day, though I became a bit moody as the evening wore on. Considered going to the bar attached to the hotel for a couple of drinks, but decided that wasn't a very good idea. Gonna go to bed now. Take care.
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Old 03-20-2010, 05:39 AM
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Hey. I've really been trying to maintain a more positive outlook, exercise, sleep regular hours, and make sure I have a halfway decent diet. Mostly instead of constantly being so negative I've been having panic attacks for an hour or so every night, and crying at just about everything.

A friend came over mid-panic attack a couple days ago and suggested I go see a doctor. She thought some Xanax or similar might help, just short term. But I mentioned this stuff to my doctor once before and he didn't take me seriously; he babbled about eating vegetables and exercising and sent me on my way.
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Old 03-20-2010, 07:55 AM
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Doctors are very hesitant to perscribe Benzo's to people with a history of addiction. Talk to your doctor about your symptoms and that you are seriously trying his suggestions from before, but still having the same issues. There are many other meds, without addicitive properties out there he could try. Take care.
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Old 03-20-2010, 05:49 PM
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Thanks, Tyler.

I didn't specifically ask for meds; in fact I'd rather not be on them (especially something like Xanax... my friend suggested it because she used to take it, not because either of us think I should necessarily be on it). I went to a different doctor and she checked levels of some other meds I'm on and ran a few other tests, but it was all normal. My regular doctor just kinda wrote it off but I have tried his suggestions anyway.
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Old 03-20-2010, 10:03 PM
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Went to the beach today and flew kites. Beautiful day!! Helped move some stuff out of my ex's house, a couple of TV's that we took to be donated. I set up the LCD TV I brought down for her and my son (I bought a new one!!). I forgot the remotes for everything, gonna have to mail them down on Monday. I've got a speaker system coming in the mail too, but it didn't arive in time for this trip. She doesn't care about the sound as much as I do anyway. She went out with some friends and I stayed with my son. We worked on the rocket. I'm not sure why I thought building a rocket was going to be easy, I'm not a rocket scientist or anything!! Just now getting back to the hotel.

I was pondering our relationship. Obviously we get along well, and do still love each other, but like most addicts I've done a lot of bad stuff and hurt her greatly over the years. We've been apart for more than 7 years now, divorced for over 5. I'm the one who insisted on the divorce. It was a few weeks after my suicide attempt, I had been scouped up by my parents and dragged back to Illinois. I had huge debts, both from using and medical bills I racked up while in the hospital. At the time I really didn't think I would live through the year. I totally planned on trying to kill myself again, if I could figure out a way to make sure it worked and my folks wouldn't find my body. Obviously I was completely out of mind, still using 24/7. The reason I wanted the divorce, and for the record, she was against it, was I couldn't bear the thought of dragging her and my son further down into my abyss. It was like I was hanging out a airplane door with her holding my hand, but if she kept holding it she would fall too. I just let go. I always held out a tiny glimmer of hope that if somehow I managed to find my way, that we could be together again, as a family. I think I need to let that go.

I've been clean almost a year now, not abusing alcohol for over 6 months. She know where I stand on the issue and when I first go clean asked for "space". I've brought it up a couple of times since then, but have really gotten no real feedback from her. Recently I went back and read some of the old email exchanges we had soon after we split up. I don't even know who the person who wrote them was, it's certainly not me now. However, the fact is, it is me. I did say those things, no matter how crazy I was at the time. I have to own those things and deal with the fallout. I think part of that fallout is losing the chance to be with her. It's possible it could still happen, but I don't think it is something that I should prusue anymore. Neither of us has dated, much less been in any kind of relationship since we split up, and I don't think either of us is really champing at the bit to get into one. I do miss it, but have not the slightest idea of how to go about finding someone, and I'm not really sure I want to put in the effort anyway.

As much as I hate it, the fact is I've been pretty insane for the past 10 years or more. The drugs and booze certainly contributed to it, but even after being clean for some time now, I still am mentally unstable. The doc is trying various concoctions to try to find something that will help, but I'm starting to resign myself to the fact that this may just be what I have to deal with. I can understand why she wouldn't want that kind of additional drama in her life. She works in the mental health/substance abuse field, and certainly doesn't need to deal with more of that when she comes home. She did that for years.

I like the fact that we can have a positive relationship, especially for my son. It's hard for me though because I always want more. I think I need to try to be satisfied with that and just move one.

Enough rambling, off to bed. Gota rocket to lauch tomorrow!! As well as bikes to ride. Thanks for listening. Take care.
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Old 03-21-2010, 09:35 PM
  # 372 (permalink)  
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Well the rocket launch was a success. On the way over to launch it my son told me that he "was going to put the rocket on display in his room, and if it blew up he'd put the pieces on display." It was nice to hear. We also got to ride bikes today. Overall, a pretty good day.
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Old 03-21-2010, 09:53 PM
  # 373 (permalink)  
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Awesome, Tyler! I play with rocket fuel at work, but just to dissolve things (well, and light a few random bits of things on fire in fun ways on lunch breaks... I work with pyros and evil geniuses. It's awesome).

I should be hitting 10 months soon. I don't keep track exactly but it's awesome to think it's getting close to a year now.
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Old 03-22-2010, 09:53 PM
  # 374 (permalink)  
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using dreams

Been having a lot of using dreams lately. Just about every night for the past week or so. Very realistic stuff where you wake up thinking that they are real and you're back in the vortex of addiction again.

Nothing I can really put my finger on, other than the fact that my doctor recently changed my meds....again. The dreams aren't really bothering me that much, but they do plant that seed of "maybe there is some way I can make this work again." I know I can't. I have performed the experiment hundereds of times and always came back with the same results. For me, it seems, it is scientifically impossible. I just hate having those seeds planted. Guess I'l just have to spray some Round Up on them. (If you've lived in the Midwest you'll get the reference!!) Other than that, all seems to be well. Take care.
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Old 03-22-2010, 10:06 PM
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just FYI tyler...the serequil made me have some very vivid nightmares...including alot of talking and yelling out in my sleep at first...it did pass after a few weeks.....
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Old 03-23-2010, 10:57 AM
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I've been having dreams, too. I rarely remember my dreams, maybe 2 or 3 a year at the most but I've remembered some really vivid ones nearly every night in the last couple weeks. I don't like it because I never remember pleasant dreams; I remember the dreams that make me uneasy the next day.

Uncle Sigmund says my brain is telling me to deal with things I've shoved away from my conscious mind... which is where I intend to keep them.

Meanwhile I thought Round Up was just a fact of life. Do you mean to tell me there are areas of the country where Round Up is not in use? What's next? Soon you will tell me cattle can't be kept in residential areas.

*singing in my best folksy voice* Livin' ain't so hard past the cattle guard, out here where the coyotes call the tune...
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Old 03-23-2010, 09:03 PM
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I had something happen to me at work to day that really pi$$ed me off. My store won an award for being the top store in our region. In addition to the cool crystal trophy we get to spend a weekend together at a beach house a few hours up the coast from here.

I have a lot of issues with social anxiety. I think it is really part of the root cause of much of my substance abuse. Now it probably seems kinda wierd that the two career paths I have chosen are radio broadcasting and sales!!

I had few issues with broadcasting because it was just me (or me and a few others in the case of the morning show I worked on) in a room together. The fact that thousands of people were listening to our conversations never bothered me as it kinda never seemed "real". Where I did have an issue was when I had to do a broadcast remote where I had to be onstage (at a bar or opening a concert). Retail remotes, which were more of a one on one situation did not bother me, but the others really did. Given the job and the venue (bars, concerts) I would usually have a few drinks, usually on the house, and do my best. But after awhile it really started getting to me and I would turn down these types of appearances even though they paid hundereds of dollars for a couple hours work.

So I got out of broadcasting and into sales. I got fired from my radio job (pretty much happens to everyone in the business at one point or another) but I was ready to get out anyway. I just kinda fell into sales. I was quickly offered an outside sales position selling office equipment. From day one the cold calling killed me. I toughed it out for about 4 months (generally by staying high all the time) before having a complete nervous breakdown and having to quit. It was all I could do for months just to wake up. I took a customer service position, but the pay was lousy as was the company. Still I worked there for 2 years. At that point I was offered a postion back at the office equipment company that just paid too well to turn down. Dont' know why I thought things would be different, but they weren't. Had to quit without notice for the same reasons again. Went through it a third time with a different company before I finally realized (after a suicide attempt) that I just could not continue with this kind of work.

The problem was I really had no other experience in any other field and didn't know what to do. I started working in retail sales and found it to actually be quite to my liking. My only problem was when I had to cold call customers on the phone, which I basically avoided doing for the most part. I turned out to be quite good at the job, though the company I worked for at the time was miserable.

I've always been uncomfortable in social settings, for as long as I remember. But as I've gotten older it seems to have gotten worse, not better, in spite of all the meds and therapy. At the present I pretty much go to work, come home, eat, watch some TV or play some Xbox, go to bed and do it again the next day. To be honest, I'm not really that uncomfortable with that situation, though I know it is not especially healthy. I am frequently asked if I want to go out with my co-workers and almost always decline for a variety of reasons. If I do go it is pretty much guaranteed I'll drink, which I'm trying not to do anymore.

So anyway, back to today and this trip. To be honest, I've really been trying to look for a way out of going all together that would not make me look bad. I know that when I go I will most likely have a good time and it will be fine, but that doesn't change how I FEEL now.

So my boss was going over arangements of who was going to ride up with who and I told her that I wanted to drive myself. This helps me somewhat as I know that I have an escape if I need it. I know I won't use it and it is completely irrational, but once again, it is how I FEEL, how I cope. I told her I didn't expect the company to pay for my mileage or anything, but I was just more comfortable driving myself. She proceded to tell this was supposed to be a "team" weekend and everyone was driving her crazy with their little requests and I wasn't acting like I wanted to be on the team. A part of me celebrated a little because I thought, "fine if that's how it is, I just won't go at all, it's my weekend off anyway." However, I know it is a team event and I am a TEAM player, it was just my way of dealing with the situation.

The long and the short of it is that I ended up having to go into detail about EXACTLY why I needed to drive myself, and got exactly the same questioning/doubting reaction I expected to get, which was why I didn't want to go into it in the first place. I keep my personal life to myself and work is my work. I always schedule my theripist and doctor appointments on my days off so it won't cause issues at work, and with the exception of being very protective of my few weekends off (the only time I get to visit with my son) will do just about anything I am aksed to do. So I'm put into this embarassing situation, having to explain something, that I really dont' understand myself, to justify my actions. Now it would have been different if I was asking for the company to pay my milage, but I specifically said I didn't need that. It just really pi$$ed me off that I was put into the position that I was put into. I wanted to just tell her to F off and mind her own business, but know that would not be appropreate. So I ended up going into all of my personal business with her and agreeing to have others ride with me, even though I'm not really comfortable with that either (I don't really know why) and becoming very resentful about the whole thing.

The company I work really encourages communication between employees and management. We are told to speak freely with any level of management up to and including the CEO of the company, and it is a large company. As long as it is brought up tactfully we should never fear repercutions. They truly stand by that. So next time I work with this manager, I am going to take her aside and explain to her how and why she put me in such an uncomfortable position. I know she did not mean to do this. She is fairly young and most likely has never had to deal with this kind of issue and hopefully it will be a good learning experience for her.

While obviously I am still upset about this (given the lenght of this post!!) as far as I'm concerned it is water under the bridge, or at least it will be after I have this conversation with her. Just needed to vent as it really bothered me all day long, and I guess continues to. Hopefully now I will be better able to let it go, as I know it was not intended to be as it turned out.

Well, if you managed to make your way through all of that, thanks for listening. Life goes on, tomorrow is another day, hopefully a better one. Take care.
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Old 03-23-2010, 09:05 PM
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Originally Posted by ananda View Post
just FYI tyler...the serequil made me have some very vivid nightmares...including alot of talking and yelling out in my sleep at first...it did pass after a few weeks.....
Yea, I had a lot of using dreams after I first quit, but these kinda took me by suprise. Looking back, they do seem to corospond with the med change, so hopefully it will just work itself out. Take care.
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Old 03-24-2010, 08:05 AM
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Danger Time

Well my folks are going out of town for a few days, always a danger time for me and the binge drinking. Something about the cats away. Kinda sad to still think that way at age 41!! Oh well, it is what it is. Not having any particular urges at the moment, but it's still early. I'm off this weekend, so Friday and Saturday could be hard. Probably be hanging out here more than usual. Hope everyone is well. Take care.
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Old 03-24-2010, 07:42 PM
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tyler

your brain really seems to be functioning well..your thought processes....it's great to read your posts....

You feel, you use logic that accomodates your feelings and make decisions and take action....

Thanks for inspiring me today (hug)
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