Ok well I've gone another week without hitting on that guy, lets call him "Bob" but I think it's just so obvious to him now.... Now I can make eye contact with him but when I do my heart just starts beating really fast and I get flustered. One thing that gave it away was he asked a question about his homework, and I actually had his mistakes memorized so I told him what he did wrong without even looking at his assignment. Of course I didn't intentionally do this. (I don't "intentionally" grade his homework first either. It just kinda happens.) Then I sent him a long e-mail about how to practice ear training, like for no reason. Yes, I shouldn't have done that, but I felt I had to write to him even if it was strictly professional. He thanked me and said I was one of his best TAs.
Also, he's one of the last to leave everyday and we were standing so close today.. God I wanted to embrace him right there but of course I didn't. It was just so hard!!! I wanted to run my fingers over his cheeks and taste his lips, feel his hands against mine. (I'm like maybe 80% sure he's attracted to me, although I don't think he would do anything either, although a sick part of me wants him to make a move.) I'm so paranoid because I think one of the other students caught me checking Bob out, then looked at me like uh-huh...you perv. Of course there's no proof. I'm just trying so hard not to make it obvious. I make sure I only talk to Bob about the class and that's it.
That said, I don't think what I feel for him are "true" felings. Its a combination of lust, being extremely lonely, seeing him everyday, obesssion, and of course the possibility that he might be attracted to me too. Just march april may left, and then I'm sure whatever "feelings" I have for him will subside. I hope it ends because I was crying over this last night. Please help.. I feel like I may end up eventually binging on pills or alcohol just to forget about how stupid and pathetic I am.