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Fantabulous Secular Connections Check-in Part VII

Old 01-15-2010, 07:37 AM
  # 181 (permalink)  
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Leg is doing great. Gonna get the big plate taken out soon. The bone is growing strong which is good. Thanx for axin !
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Old 01-15-2010, 09:59 AM
  # 182 (permalink)  
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I am still around too.
All I ever get is older and around
but
From the rocking of the cradle to the rollin of the hearse
The going up aint worth the coming down.

Kris Kristofferson song with is changed to aint.

This is the end result of a C-A-B.
Thought I should throw in something recovery related.
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Old 01-15-2010, 01:34 PM
  # 183 (permalink)  
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I check out this thread every now and then and thought I would just finally stop in and see if I could join all of you. Its peaceful in here!
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Old 01-15-2010, 03:54 PM
  # 184 (permalink)  
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Hi 4ever!

glad you stoped in to say hi

We tend to go in spurts...sometimes we are going a million miles a minite, but currently we are in a lull

care to share about yourself? Or start a new thread here with a question or a share...

We love meeting new people

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Old 01-15-2010, 07:54 PM
  # 185 (permalink)  
Not all better, getting better
 
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Originally Posted by 4ever View Post
I check out this thread every now and then and thought I would just finally stop in and see if I could join all of you. Its peaceful in here!
Welcome to the Secular Forum. Yes, it is peaceful in this corner of SR. Rarely to we have threads that desolve into arguments, rather than conversations, and that is nice. I sometimes wish there would be "more going on" here, but I suppose I'm part of the problem as I could also post more. I think there are a lot more people who read posts here than add to the conversation. Anyway,
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Old 01-16-2010, 01:44 PM
  # 186 (permalink)  
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Welcome to the secular side, forever. The dogma free corner.

:ghug3 Ananda, I hope your stomach gets better.

Still sober.
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Old 01-16-2010, 02:16 PM
  # 187 (permalink)  
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Haven't had time to catch up on the whole thread but I'm still here, and still sober. And best of all my laptop is on its way back to me. Hurry up, FedEx!! I hate having to borrow other people's computers, though over the last 10 days I've managed to remember most of my passwords, finally.
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Old 01-16-2010, 02:36 PM
  # 188 (permalink)  
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Not doing good

I'm struggling right now. Overall things are going decently in my life. Finally got a good job, paying off my bills, physically closer to my son, better than 8 months off the pot, and doing much better with the booze. I guess I'm just having a rough day.

I'm off work today. Somtimes I wish I could work 7 days a week. At work I'm focused and making money. When I'm off I end up getting into my own head, not a healthy place to be. I really crave some kind of a relationship. I've been seperated from my wife (now ex) for over 5 years now. I havne't even been on a date with anyone since. A lot of it is insecurity. I'm 41 and don't think I've ever asked anyone "out on a date". My ex and I were together since we were 19, before that there were a couple of "hook ups" and one high school girlfriends. I just don't know what to do. I can think of very few reasons anyone would want to be with me, and even less ideas of trying to find the few that might. I don't want to do the whole "bar thing" for obvious reasons. Everyone I know through work is already in a relationship, or far too young. I'm not a church or 12 step person. I'm really not sure how to go about meeting someone.

I really miss that feeling of caring for someone and having them care for you. I feel like I'm never going to find it again, and if that is the case, I'm not sure I really want to keep plugging away. I'm still trying to deveolp a relationship with my son, who's almost nine now. He was only 3 when I left, so we really don't know each other that well either. He's about all that keeps me going some days. Thinking of him kept me from killing myself several times, but I eventually decided that he'd really be better off without me and made a real attempt. That's been about 4 years now, but once you've crossed that line, it's too easy to think about crossing it again, and "doing it right" this time.

I'm not suicidal, but am feeling pretty down. I used to think getting out of my financial mess would make me feel better, but now I make good money and I still feel like ****. Probably getting into a relationship would be the same thing, but I'd just like to have someone care about me again, to love me, even when I'm having a hard time loving myself. All probably unhealthy, "bad" talk, but it's how I'm feeling right now. So **** it.
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Old 01-16-2010, 04:51 PM
  # 189 (permalink)  
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sobriety is all about relationships imo

what i know is that I lived very happily and contentedly for 15 years without a signigicant other type relationship..or whatevery you call it..you know what I mean. In fact the 7 years of it that I was sober were the best years of my life..

However I am now 17 years without that kind of relationship, no dating, no kissing, no nothing...and the last 2 years I have been discontent with that situation.

But....I do know that if I just settle down and get myself in order, I can be happy and have a good life without that "special someone"...

Alot of my dissatisfaction with being single in the past was due to other people telling me all my life I had to have that to be happy....at least this time the urge is coming from inside rather than outside....

plus....right now might not be the best time to start a relationship of that nature, though I can tell you right now I wouldn't walk away from the opportunity
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Old 01-17-2010, 05:29 AM
  # 190 (permalink)  
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Hi I am still around (I am one of those who are guilty of reading but not posting).

I am feeling pretty good about life at the moment after coming throught the other side of a nasty cold, it made me feel so old and feeble but it has made me take my health, or lack of it, more seriously.

I too have been single for a long time, more as a result of being a hermit than an alcoholic, and I have recently realised how much I had been pining for that special someone.

Well that is stopping right now I have to face up to the fact that I might spend the rest of my life alone, I might not, of course, but constantly wanting what you don't have and basing your future happiness upon it, is a receipe for disaster (and relapse).

Like Ananda I wouldn't walk away from an opportunity but learning to take pleasure in my day to day life is paramount for my sanity at the moment.

Besides now that I am feeling good about myself I doubt there is a man out there who is good enough for me
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Old 01-17-2010, 07:56 AM
  # 191 (permalink)  
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To those hoping to meet someone special I just want to relate a story so don't freak out on me for it.
One of my good friends lost his wife to cancer in his mid 40's and like many married young (18) and had limited dating experience. He didn't want to do the bar thing and had little other social networking activities like church or whatever.
I remember him telling me he was going to try internet dating and me thinking but not saying Wow what a loser. If that is your thoughts on that it is quite common. He thought the same way but said " I have to try something I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life."
He said it was awkward at first but he ended up meeting someone, after a few less than satisfying tries, and has been married to a nice woman for over 5 years.
My sister-in-law is in the same boat at 60 and although she hasn't met anyone yet she is trying and hopeful.
I am not advocating it and if I am in that position I don't know if I would go out of my comfort zone and try it. All I am saying is it may be something that you may want to consider. Even if you don't meet "the One' you may make some new friends and expand your social circles.

As for me, my wife does not allow me to date.
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Old 01-17-2010, 09:11 AM
  # 192 (permalink)  
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Hi Fubar

One of my sisters met her partner online and they have been together for almost 10 years and have 3 adorable children together, so I know from experience that it can work.

You may have hit upon my problem, I am not really willing to leave my comfort zone, it may be lonely to be alone but it is also comfortable and easy.

Plus I am not entirely sure how I would cope with someone else using my remote control lol
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Old 01-17-2010, 11:16 AM
  # 193 (permalink)  
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Wouldn't know about the remote thing. We are a two TV family.
A family that watches TV separately stays together.
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Old 01-17-2010, 01:42 PM
  # 194 (permalink)  
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Welcome 4ever. Its good to have you here.
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Old 01-17-2010, 03:13 PM
  # 195 (permalink)  
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I'm glad I'm not alone in.. well, being alone. I've had a number of dysfunctional relationships (booze and drugs seem to get in the way of decent relationships). Everything in this town is centered around the bars, or at least that's my perception... maybe there's just a little part of me that misses hitting the bars. On the other hand, I've never felt comfortable in crowded bars, I was an early bird (no, I never asked for the worm). Had to avoid the rush and all the cute little sorority girls in their skimpy, slutty clothing. Whenever I'd go to the bars when the sorority girls were out I'd end up feeling old and fat; it was much more comfortable to hit the bars with the old, fat people in the early afternoon. That's me, unending amounts of self confidence.

Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship just yet. There's a guy that seems to want one but frankly I fell for the last guy's crap and not only was he lying about liking-- nay, LOVING-- me, he was manipulative enough that I ended up hooked on meth. I made my own choices but if he hadn't been around I never would have even been exposed to it. And to his credit, last time I saw him (all cleaned up and off drugs himself) he even said so and apologized. But that was such a horrible experience that I don't know if I want to get into another relationship. I fell for a line of crap once and I'm not excited to fall for someone else's crap.

On the upside, I'm back on top of my bills for the first time in about 3 months and that feels really good, and I even can get some tires put on my car this week (which is good since I've been filling one of them with air every few days for 2 months now). I have my own place again, I've ditched 3 people this week that I decided just weren't worth the effort of having around (though this isn't over. Two of them are in classes with me). We used to do drugs together. One of them spent an hour Wednesday evening telling me how horrible I am, he texted an apology to me last night but I've long felt like he just wants me to "help" with his homework (i.e., do it for him) and I'm not interested. Later this week I'm getting a new phone and phone number, so no more of their bs because they can't contact me once I have a new phone number.

Life is looking up again. Gotta go.
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Old 01-17-2010, 06:07 PM
  # 196 (permalink)  
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gneis! you sound like you are really getting it together

I'm suspecting self esteme will take a long time to get....like maybe years???? I mean I really am old and fat :rotfxko

so after 51 years of flawed thinking about myself and others...I suspect it will take some time to change.
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Old 01-17-2010, 07:10 PM
  # 197 (permalink)  
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Alone

Here's the delimia I face. I am 41 and currently live with my parrents. I have lived with them for the last 5 years. I moved in with them after my suicide attempt and was only released from the ward on the condtion that I stay with them, though that was only temporary, I can do as I choose at this point.

To be honest, things get f**ked up pretty quick when I'm alone. I have either lived with familiy (growing up & now), roommates (college) and with my wife (now ex) for the next 15 years. I had a pretty bad "breakdown" after our 10th wedding aniversary and ended up moving back in with my folks temporarly. I moved back 3 months later, but got my own place, as we decided it was best to seperate. (Most of this had to do with my drug use) Within 2 months, I was checking into inpatient rehab. When I got out, I moved back in with my folks for a few months, and then repeated the same cycle, only this time it ended up with me being carted out of my appartment by EMS after an intentional pill overdose. I've been with my folks ever since.

Overall I'm doing better now. Good job, getting bills paid off, staying off the pot, seeing more of my son, and would like to finally get out on my own again. However it really scares me. Even when my folks go out of town, I go a little crazy. I'll get depressed, start back with the negative thinking, sometime drink again, feel lonely and unloved with no idea of how to make this change. That's what happened this weekend. I didn't even drink that much yesterday, 2 rum and cokes, didn't even make me buzzed, but it was the first I had drank since Thanksgiving, even though I really hadn't made any kind of decision to drink, per se. Still feeling like crap today. Not hung over or anything, just down, lonely and kinda hatin' on myself.

I haven't been able to see my theripist regularly lately. I'm seeing her on Thursday and hope to discuss this with her. I'm also seeing my Psychitirst tomorrow, though I think my meds are doing a pretty decent job. Overall I feel pretty good, as long as I'm busy. Most day's I work a 9 hour shift and have an hour commute each way. I often work OT as well. So most days are pretty filled. It's when I have time off that I realize how empty my life is. I really miss having someone to share it with. I'm not someone who makes friends easily, and don't really want a friendship as much as I want a relationship. Someone who I can help support and in turn, helps to support me. I haven't the slightest idea of how to find that, or even if I'm ready.

I've dipped my toe into the internet dating pool, but have never really comitted with a picture. Nobody gets responses without a picture, and I truly hate pictures of myself. Low self-esteem strikes again. It's stupid that it bother's me, it's not like I even have to go back to the web site if I don't want to. I've never really dated anyway. My wife and I were together pretty much from the day we met for 15 more years. I still hold some hopes of getting back with her, which also holds me back I guess, but I really should let that go. Cripes, we've been divorced for almost 5 years, seperated for close to 7. F**cking let it go already!!! (I had to look at the papers to even realize it has been that long.

*uck it, I'm just depressing myself even more. I think I'll just go to bed. At least I don't hate myself when I'm asleep. Haven't even been drinking tonite. I wish I were hammered, I just don't have the energy to even do that. Sorry to be such a downer.
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Old 01-18-2010, 03:26 AM
  # 198 (permalink)  
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Sorry if my posts were a little flippant Tyler, believe me I know how horrible your situation must be.

Low self esteem and self hatred are a way of life with me and I totally would never put a photo of myself on a dating site, it may sound like a small thing but it's an example of how strange an image we have of ourselves.

Over Christmas I had a bit of an OMG moment when I realised how demented I was acting when I wouldn't let my 6 year old niece take a picture of me with her new camera, she was really bewildered by my attitude.

I decided there and then to be extra careful not to put myself down for my appearance any more, especially in front of a young girl who does not need those kind of messages from her family.

I have been using smarts tools for my drinking and they working well for me (not perfectly I admit but that is down to my unwillingness to use them when I know I should) and I think it might be time to apply them to other aspects of my life.

Time to break the cycle.

On another tack, have you been to see a Dr to check if you need meds or need them changing? It sounds to me like depression may be a factor here.
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Old 01-18-2010, 05:07 AM
  # 199 (permalink)  
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yep Ally...the tools we find to stay sober end up being the tools we use to reshape our lives
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Old 01-18-2010, 05:55 AM
  # 200 (permalink)  
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I don't know if this will help Tyler but when I was younger I had periods of image issues and I went to the gym to improve my physical self and higher self esteem came with it. I don't know if this would help you but going to the gym and working out also is a good way to release feel good endorphins and add purpose and positive routine to your day.
I have become a bit of a gym nut so if this doesn't help feel free to ignore it.
I know it is not for everyone.
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