Here's the delimia I face. I am 41 and currently live with my parrents. I have lived with them for the last 5 years. I moved in with them after my suicide attempt and was only released from the ward on the condtion that I stay with them, though that was only temporary, I can do as I choose at this point.
To be honest, things get f**ked up pretty quick when I'm alone. I have either lived with familiy (growing up & now), roommates (college) and with my wife (now ex) for the next 15 years. I had a pretty bad "breakdown" after our 10th wedding aniversary and ended up moving back in with my folks temporarly. I moved back 3 months later, but got my own place, as we decided it was best to seperate. (Most of this had to do with my drug use) Within 2 months, I was checking into inpatient rehab. When I got out, I moved back in with my folks for a few months, and then repeated the same cycle, only this time it ended up with me being carted out of my appartment by EMS after an intentional pill overdose. I've been with my folks ever since.
Overall I'm doing better now. Good job, getting bills paid off, staying off the pot, seeing more of my son, and would like to finally get out on my own again. However it really scares me. Even when my folks go out of town, I go a little crazy. I'll get depressed, start back with the negative thinking, sometime drink again, feel lonely and unloved with no idea of how to make this change. That's what happened this weekend. I didn't even drink that much yesterday, 2 rum and cokes, didn't even make me buzzed, but it was the first I had drank since Thanksgiving, even though I really hadn't made any kind of decision to drink, per se. Still feeling like crap today. Not hung over or anything, just down, lonely and kinda hatin' on myself.
I haven't been able to see my theripist regularly lately. I'm seeing her on Thursday and hope to discuss this with her. I'm also seeing my Psychitirst tomorrow, though I think my meds are doing a pretty decent job. Overall I feel pretty good, as long as I'm busy. Most day's I work a 9 hour shift and have an hour commute each way. I often work OT as well. So most days are pretty filled. It's when I have time off that I realize how empty my life is. I really miss having someone to share it with. I'm not someone who makes friends easily, and don't really want a friendship as much as I want a relationship. Someone who I can help support and in turn, helps to support me. I haven't the slightest idea of how to find that, or even if I'm ready.
I've dipped my toe into the internet dating pool, but have never really comitted with a picture. Nobody gets responses without a picture, and I truly hate pictures of myself. Low self-esteem strikes again. It's stupid that it bother's me, it's not like I even have to go back to the web site if I don't want to. I've never really dated anyway. My wife and I were together pretty much from the day we met for 15 more years. I still hold some hopes of getting back with her, which also holds me back I guess, but I really should let that go. Cripes, we've been divorced for almost 5 years, seperated for close to 7. F**cking let it go already!!! (I had to look at the papers to even realize it has been that long.
*uck it, I'm just depressing myself even more. I think I'll just go to bed. At least I don't hate myself when I'm asleep. Haven't even been drinking tonite. I wish I were hammered, I just don't have the energy to even do that. Sorry to be such a downer.