Not doing good
I'm struggling right now. Overall things are going decently in my life. Finally got a good job, paying off my bills, physically closer to my son, better than 8 months off the pot, and doing much better with the booze. I guess I'm just having a rough day.
I'm off work today. Somtimes I wish I could work 7 days a week. At work I'm focused and making money. When I'm off I end up getting into my own head, not a healthy place to be. I really crave some kind of a relationship. I've been seperated from my wife (now ex) for over 5 years now. I havne't even been on a date with anyone since. A lot of it is insecurity. I'm 41 and don't think I've ever asked anyone "out on a date". My ex and I were together since we were 19, before that there were a couple of "hook ups" and one high school girlfriends. I just don't know what to do. I can think of very few reasons anyone would want to be with me, and even less ideas of trying to find the few that might. I don't want to do the whole "bar thing" for obvious reasons. Everyone I know through work is already in a relationship, or far too young. I'm not a church or 12 step person. I'm really not sure how to go about meeting someone.
I really miss that feeling of caring for someone and having them care for you. I feel like I'm never going to find it again, and if that is the case, I'm not sure I really want to keep plugging away. I'm still trying to deveolp a relationship with my son, who's almost nine now. He was only 3 when I left, so we really don't know each other that well either. He's about all that keeps me going some days. Thinking of him kept me from killing myself several times, but I eventually decided that he'd really be better off without me and made a real attempt. That's been about 4 years now, but once you've crossed that line, it's too easy to think about crossing it again, and "doing it right" this time.
I'm not suicidal, but am feeling pretty down. I used to think getting out of my financial mess would make me feel better, but now I make good money and I still feel like ****. Probably getting into a relationship would be the same thing, but I'd just like to have someone care about me again, to love me, even when I'm having a hard time loving myself. All probably unhealthy, "bad" talk, but it's how I'm feeling right now. So **** it.