Dee74

I think if you think it's a problem, then it is.
For what it's worth, I can certainly see elements of my own story in yours.

Welcome to SR - there's an amazing amount of support here. Read around and post as much as you like

D

anewpage

Wow, I'm overwhelmed with your posts. Thank you all so much!
As for the question about whether I have tried to abstain...
After a huge drinking binge on Monday (which ended in my screaming, sobbing, and feeling like I was going to die the next morning) I decided I was going to not drink the next day and see what happens. The next afternoon (at the time I would usually start drinking) I began to feel very agitated, couldn't sit down, my hands were shaking, clammy, and I was sweating a lot. But I didn't give up. Later that night I felt so nauseous but managed to get a good night's sleep. The next morning (Wed) I woke up feeling so proud of myself and thought, well, I'm ok now.
But by wednesday lunchtime I found myself standing in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka taking "just one shot". Of course it wasn't just one shot, and I ended up getting really drunk. I can't remember most of Wednesday evening/night.
Yesterday I got to 7pm before I drank but I didn't get drunk. Today, I don't know what I'm going to do. It's like I can't manage to have just one or two. What doesn't help is the fact that this week someone told me I'm "boring" and "quiet" when I'm sober. I was boring and quiet to them because I was trying to work myself through the withdrawal symptoms... can't win.

ImperfectlyMe

Keep at it realizing you can't just have one is a huge deal! I would quiet that voice I too heard! Until it was screaming stop!!!!!!

The beginning is very very hard but I promise it gets so good! Going to bed sober and waking up refreshed is so rewarding!

Good luck keep posting

anewpage

What made me feel dead inside earlier this week is when I realised that I had been too drunk the night before to remember my daughter's homework. She had to go to school the next day without it because I failed as a parent. That was heartbreaking for me to realise that my children deserve to have a better mother.

ImperfectlyMe

You hold that key to the mommy you want to be! I can't tell you how many times I did homework with my daughter while I was drunk!

This doesn't make you a bad mom, looking the other way does

You can so do this if you need any encouragement or support or just someone to vent to I'm here! Another fellow mommy who once was lost!

Black Bird

I am the same. Im my 30's with small children. Binge drinking on the weekends turned into drinking every night, the time got earlier and earlier until I needed that drink after my first cup of coffee in the morning until I fell asleep at night. I still questioned if I was an alcoholic. Only you know. Only you can say I have an addiction and I need to stop. When it finally hit me that I had a problem and am indeed an alcoholic was when I was able to listen to and read other addicts who are honest. This is a great place, keep posting. This site with the help of AA has helped me so much.

Black Bird

I have forgotten homework, forgotten school confrences, been to school functions drunk. A few weeks ago my son wanted to join a baceball team. I lied to him and said I missed the sign up date. The real reason was because the time of day the games were played I would be to drunk to fake it. And the sad thing is, while I was drinking I didn't care. I am on my 7 day sober, and yesterday I went and signed him up for the team. He was so happy. I guess my point to all this is. Yes, I have done bad/ irresponsible things as an alcoholic mother. But it is not too late to fix things. Once my head was clear, I thought wow, I have some mending to do! And everything I mend gives me more drive and happiness for being sober. I thank God I was able to see this now, rather than when it might be too late to mend thing with my children. Sorry so long, but I can fully relate to what your going through.

ScottFromWI

That was one of the reasons that finally smacked me in the face and made me do something about it - my kids. It hit me that at that time, I was making drinking a higher priority than my wife or my kids. I still took care of them but literally having that first beer when I got home from work was the #1 thing. And always making sure I had enough beer, even if that meant being a little late for something with the kids, or sneaking out later to buy more when I shouldn't have been driving, or all the times I fell asleep/passed out in their beds or on the couch when I should have been reading them a story.

What other people think of you drinking or not drinking ( thinking you are "boring", or whatever ) couldn't be more irrelevant. If you truly want to quit you have to absolutely dedicate 100% to doing it. It won't be easy for certain, but it will be worth it.

anewpage

Thank you black bird and inperfectlyme! I have had times that my daughter asks if she can have a friend over and I have to say no because I got so drunk I neglected to clean or do anything, and the house looked like trash. I have also said awfully inappropriate things to people. Often, when I first get up in the morning I rush to my phone/Facebook to see what I might have said to someone while drunk the night before. I have been so embarrassed. But thanks for the encouragement. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do if anything. Right now my life is a series of either complete brokenness, or flying sky high happy. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground.

ImperfectlyMe

Black bird your honesty is so powerful I am so thankful for your post! I use to dread the days my daughter had dance class I couldn't drink until 530 crazy I know most people are still at work that time of day!
Keep up the great work

ScottFromWI

You have the power to take away the brokenness. But it can't be a half-hearted effort. You will eventually need to commit 100% and do this for yourself if you want it to get better.

Keep in mind that generally things won't get any better if you don't do anything about the drinking. The only 2 variables are how bad it will get, and when.

anewpage

Not crazy...sometimes if I know I won't be home at my usual start-drinking-time (2pm-ish) I will take a "coffee cup" of something in my purse (only if I'm not driving though). And then spend the whole time paranoid that people can smell the alcohol on me, or I'm not acting sober. I don't want so much that I'm falling down drunk, I just want enough to take the edge off. I went to my daughter's parent-teacher conference drunk and I was afraid the whole time that her teacher could tell I'd been drinking and would report me.

lillyknitting

You have a MAJOR problem. Get help now. For the sake of your children's lives, for the sake of your life. You can go to AA where you will be received with love & help. Posting here is always good, loads of help here. Stop now for a truly better life.

anewpage

Oh, I know. I'm only feeling good about this right now because it's only 10 in the morning. By this afternoon I will feel awful and want to do something about it. Once the withdrawal hits, or I start drinking again. Either way, I'll feel bad in the end. And that's the sad thing. I'm treating alcohol like it's my best friend but in actual fact it's my worst enemy.

ImperfectlyMe

Listen a newpage I would be drinking still if my husband hadn't given Me an ultimatum! I didn't want to stop I also question if I had a problem... Or it least I told mysf that. I had a problem. A big one. My life has become so much better!!!
Are you married? If so how does he feel?

anewpage

I am married, yes. And I'm not completely sure how he feels about it. On Monday night when I went psycho-crazy drunk on vodka he was telling me I have a big problem and he's going to help me. Then the next day he didn't say anything about it until I brought it up, and he said "You don't have a problem. Just don't drink that much next time." And then yesterday when I had some anxiety due to withdrawal he said, "Just have one to take the edge off." (And so I had 4). So I don't know!

ScottFromWI

We have all been there, multiple times. I know the feeling exactly. But the good news is that it can get better. The initial withdrawal will suck - don't let anyone tell you any different. But that usually only lasts a short time, maybe a week or 10 days at the most. Once you get "over the hump" it's more mental than physical.

One thing that might really help is to see your doctor. If you've been drinking that much it's a good idea to do so anyway before trying to quit. There are meds that can potentially be described that will help with some of the serious withdrawals symptoms ( but they won't go away 100% ) and keep you safe. You can also find out if you are good health wise - many of us didn't get proper nutrition because of all the drinking.

So bottom line, you can do this. You just need to decide to finally do it. Many of us have and we are here to support you through it as well.

ImperfectlyMe

Your husband probably doesn't want to deal with the monster we can become when you take our booze away. My husband use to say all the time go have a drink chill out (he doesn't drink) meanwhile a drink was always close to two bottles of wine. I always said I'm not drink I only had two glasses no matter how much I had!

Come join our moms group thread (MOMS group 2013) I started it this am! Even if today isn't the day you quit it may be the things you read here that will eventually lead you to what you already know you need to do!
Newcomer's Daily Support Threads - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

instant

Anewpage.

It is an addiction. In retrospect i now see that my drinking in the latter years was driven by avoiding going into withdrawal, even to the outside world i was perfectly , or not so perfectly functional.

i now see that i have an inate desire to chase the buzz. I assume its genetic. The cravings became a normal part of my life and there was always that sense of wanting more, that in the end could never be satisfied.

The good news is that i am two years sober after years of beating around the bush. Life is easier, and I am getting more out of it and giving more of myself to others. I never get cravings, and can be around alcohol without having major emotional or physical reactions.

Its there for you too. It does take a big step that can feel like you are literally walking off a cliff..........you will discover you can fly.

Its a journey and I am so thankful for finding my way to becoming part of the SR family.

EverySngleNight

You are reaching out for help, and that is a REALLY good thing! I don't think you'd be searching for help if you didn't think you have a problem. I'm also in my 30's and have been battling my ?problem? for a long time. I've finally admitted it- it's a problem! A big nasty problem that I can't face alone. It's been a relief - in a way - to just own it and admit it, and reach out for help.

Nobody can tell you you're an alcoholic. Part of the success in staying sober, comes from falling far enough to find that out for yourself. (At least, that's my experience) That's when you really wake up, once you realize it for yourself. It actually makes you stronger, not weaker. Some of us fall farther than others, unfortunately.

Nobody can or should tell you you're an alcoholic. But your original post begs the question "am I?". I can't answer that. (I CERTAINLY am in NO position to assess that "quality" in anyone but myself- what a hypocrite I'd be!) But do you have a problem? Based on your description- it sounds as if you do. IMO (and I'm only 5 days in THIS TIME, so take it for what it's worth) :-)

I hope you find the courage to fight and get all the support you need. Please keep posting! I know we can all relate to where you're at and this place provides LOADS of insight and support. In it together. X