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girlfriend appears to be a closet drinker?

Old 04-13-2009, 02:50 PM
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Originally Posted by deadboy1977 View Post
I am sure most of you will sya to send this to her ASAP
I am going to say NOT to send it to her, give it to her, whatever. She doesn't care. Honestly. Take it from someone who has been on both sides. I tried giving my ex little notes, "to show I care", but it's a form of control. And it backfired horrendously! Do you want to become an addict? If you're sure you won't become an addict, do you want to be the addict's hostage for the rest of your life?
If I were to get a letter like that, I'd read between the lines and think you are trying to control me and my life and I'd just go hit the pipe all the more just to spite you. It's HOW the addict mind works (not that I can speak for all addicts, only myself)
And you DO need to accept or reject her AS IS. You CANNOT change anyone but yourself. You either accept she is an addict and deal with it best you can, leading a life of chaos and drama. Wondering if she's seeing other men, or even other women! Wondering if she's getting loaded when she's not talking to you. Wondering if she's going to drive while loaded. Wondering if she's gotten arrested or died! Many MANY MANY MANY sleepless nights.
DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT????
Or you can reject the whole situation. It's only been a couple months and "giving it one more month" will NOT make a difference. You won't have lost anything!
But if you stay, you risk losing yourself, which, in the grand scheme of things, is EVERYTHING!
It may work, it may not. Hell, breaking it off with her MIGHT be the thing she needs to really realize she has a problem!
And I don't mean to sound harsh. Honestly. I am just trying to be helpful, but you need to seriously consider checking in with someone to talk to. Like a psychiatrist or psychologist, or simple therapist. Your letter, if read between the lines, like she most likely will IF you let her have it, sounds controlling, demeaning, demanding, and belittling. It also comes off as if you are addicted (pun intended) to trying to save her. Such a young relationship with such harsh problems.
It was 3 months of dating my boyfriend before we made anything "official" and when I asked him if he was ready to "go steady" and he said yes, I told him there was something he should know about me before making THAT commitment. And I told him about being a crack addict. Which, yeah, made him BACK THE HECK OFF. He thanked me for being upfront and honest and told me to let's take our time. About a month later, we did agree that we would see only each other, but we're still taking it slow. He doesn't want to put his heart into someone so young in recovery, and frankly, I don't blame him. Because, if I slip up once, I'll choose crack over him ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. I've STOOD HIM UP FOR CRACK BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More than once.
I do not stay off the crack for him. I do it for myself. I continue to come to SR, go to NA meetings, call my sponsor and network of friends, and do my step work. FOR ME. It's a coincidence that he receives the benefits of it.
So you really REALLY need to understand an addict. When we're active, we'll chose our DOC over you ANY DAY, ANY TIME, ANY MINUTE. You will LOSE every time! Especially when we're in denial.
If she were seeking help already, it MIGHT be a different story, but it's not. She has made her choice. Don't try to justify staying with her or trying to get us to justify it for you. We will not. You SHOULD NOT!
Refuse to accept her and see where that goes. Like I said, it could be the wake up call she needs. You seem like a really nice guy and it's HER LOSS!
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Old 04-13-2009, 03:02 PM
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I am glad I found this forum.....its starting to sink in a bit....
I will go to the CORRECT meeting tomorrow night - ALanon.
I wonder what they'll say there? Will I be able to tell my story and have people listen and reinforce the advice I got here??????

My friend has the KD tix in KY. I guess I COULD ask her to go as friends since they are purchased already - they werent cheap! She has been bringing stuff over every now and then. I have her house key and could just drop it off with the note...thats what I am thinking at this point....she has a key to my place too though...I have her bike and just some odds and ends right now. I could do it when shes at work. My guess is after that reply I got today and all (and she hasnt corresponded back anymore yet) that she will be drunk tonight.....anyone want to wager a bet??? Well the phones will be off after 930 tonight. I am taking an AMBIEN and taking care of me tonight. I started a log book/journal on her in Aoril and will try and fill in the days befire that the bext I can. Just another lesson learned in life, perhaps short of what firestorm learned which will be good for me.
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Old 04-13-2009, 03:10 PM
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Originally Posted by deadboy1977 View Post

I started a log book/journal on her in April and will try and fill in the days before that the best I can.
What is it about YOU that makes you start a logbook on a person you want to have a relationship with? Really... Work on YOU!!!... What makes you tick? Get answers to these questions, then look for a loving, trusting and open relationship. You won't get far until you understand why you think you have to have a "record" on someone you are falling in love with.

IMHO and with all due respect...

Mark
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Old 04-13-2009, 04:19 PM
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Still no word from her
She also takes PROZAC I know, no other meds...
Her parents were really nice when I met them Sunday. I was wondering if it would be for the good to discuss some things in confidence with them? Probably not since SHE/THE GIRL needs the self realization per all the posts here. She did ask me how the meeting went Sat night and I told her. A woman told her story (somewhat similar to my gf's)....she just listened. Didnt seem to really phase her.......
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Old 04-13-2009, 04:22 PM
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Originally Posted by deadboy1977 View Post

Probably not since SHE/THE GIRL needs the self realization per all the posts here.
OK - Last time I look at this thread... Are we on Candid Camera?
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Old 04-13-2009, 04:51 PM
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Unhappy

Editing and just...

Good luck to you.
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Old 04-13-2009, 04:57 PM
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Deadboy, after reading through this thread over again for the second time or so in a couple of days, I think you need to consider the fact that you might have some problems of your own.

The first thing that has unfolded in the thread is that you weren't really up front with all of us here when you described gf as a "closet drinker". It turns out she is far from that. Towards the end of the thread you mentioned that she's been in rehab. (!!!???) And, as the thread unfolded, it went from "closet drinking" to drunk 4 nights out of 7. That is no closet drinker and we all know that. You seem to have been reluctant to disclose all of the facts from the beginning.

Look, I was in my AA meeting tonight and someone shared about being co-dependent. She is an alcoholic but she was in a co-dependent relationship as well. I didn't know much about being co-dependent as I have been busy as hell being the dependent, but it was an eye-opener.

It really sounds like you are warming up to the idea of being a co-dependent. Why? Well, imagine the moth to the flame.

In our best of days, before we crash and burn, maybe there is something exciting, attractive and interesting about us alkies. Before it all falls apart, it SEEMS like we have something going on. We can, of course, be bigger than life, the life of the party, funny as hell, witty and whatever. Brilliant, sexy, well dressed and talented, before we throw up in the potted plant and disgust all the hotel guests, that is.

Maybe you are attracted to some of that? Because whatever it is, it seems you are attracted to it.

From the little I gleaned at my meeting tonight, in the co-dependent complex there seems to be a desire to cure, to fix, to control the sick person to satisfy some inner need.

Well, if you are involving yourself in cure, fix and control then maybe you have to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if this relationship is about having a relationship or satisfying your need to cure/fix/control. If that is the case, then I hope you are ready for a lot of pain, because there is no guarantee that you can cure/fix/control anyone, much less an alcoholic. It rarely happens. Put it this way: with the average person you might have a 30% chance of curing/fixing/controlling, with an alcoholic, lower that to less than 5%.
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Old 04-13-2009, 05:35 PM
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ok, i have to stop reading this thread...it's too frustrating (no offense!). just one last comment : the KY derby - based on what i've been reading about your friend, i seriously doubt she'll be going. it will interfere too much with her well-established drinking routine.
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Old 04-13-2009, 05:40 PM
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her only drinking routine appears to be when she is alone.
she has been with me 5 days straight on a couple occasions and has not had a drink....it may have been hard for her but she was sober the complete time. I am not playing on here, all posts are true and serious. I will go to Al anon tomorrow night and post what happens...

she has not made any contact with me at all which is unusual....
she must be mad or whatever at the notr I sent her...or she is drinking and will try and call later...

she was supposed to come by this past Friday, but having to see the family and all on the weekend and do some food prep she decided not to come....she drank instead and called me later that night begging me to come her way....I didnt of course.........
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Old 04-13-2009, 05:54 PM
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You say she has been with you 5 days straight without a drink. Do you mean taking a drink in front of you? Do you realize lots of alcoholics drink secretly and put on a sober act?

Most of my drinking was on the sly. People had no clue that I showed up at the party/the restaurant/the dinner/the meeting/etc/etc after several drinks. I've spent holiday weekends with friends and family and appeared to be the angel of sobriety: but I had my stash in my suitcase. Heaven forbid I would drink in front of them.
And, I watched my P's and Q's: I made sure I didn't get sloppy and show I was drinking.

See, you can drink and not get all sloppy drunk. My husband was not aware of how much I drank. It was when I went over the top and blew it that he figured out I was drinking. LOTS of times, he didn't really know. I would hide it: go off by myself, walk it off, disappear to go and "do something" until I came down a little and could maintain the facade of not being drunk.

It doesn't seem to be that she is "drinking alone", either. When you get drunk and then start making the midnight phone calls, you aren't alone anymore. Seems like all of her drinking has been discovered by you or family, so it's not alone. I don't think you are really understanding the potential for duplicity of this situation.
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Old 04-13-2009, 06:11 PM
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I never smelt it on her as I kiss her all the time....
I went through the suitcase she had and cleaned her car for her too...nothing......guess it doesnt really matter though right?????

On the other hand I did decided to drive to her place late at night after a phone call and she reaked of wine.

She does hold a very good job at a well established company too......sometimes I wonder how!
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Old 04-13-2009, 09:23 PM
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Originally Posted by deadboy1977 View Post
I never smelt it on her as I kiss her all the time....
I went through the suitcase she had and cleaned her car for her too...nothing......guess it doesnt really matter though right?????

On the other hand I did decided to drive to her place late at night after a phone call and she reaked of wine.

She does hold a very good job at a well established company too......sometimes I wonder how!
Okay, you absolutely need some Alanon meetings. Do you not realize how crazy this is to go through her things, monitor her drinking etc?
This is not normal healthy behavior.
And NO, it does not matter.
No one EVER found my empties. I got rid of them before I even drank the wine! I also have been in management for most of my career and have never been without a job. I have never been fired or let go from a job.
Ah, my husband also never had any idea how much I drank. I always smelled good (roll eyes). I used body spray, brushed my teeth, gum, mints, etc.
Don't you see? It does not matter! What matters is that her drinking is affecting YOUR life in a negative way.
Oh yeah, one other thing, the Prozac will not work while she is drinking alcoholically.
Ugh, not sure what to say to you that has not already been said. But good luck.
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Old 04-13-2009, 10:12 PM
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Originally Posted by deadboy1977 View Post
Still no word from her
She also takes PROZAC I know, no other meds...
Her parents were really nice when I met them Sunday. I was wondering if it would be for the good to discuss some things in confidence with them? Probably not since SHE/THE GIRL needs the self realization per all the posts here. She did ask me how the meeting went Sat night and I told her. A woman told her story (somewhat similar to my gf's)....she just listened. Didnt seem to really phase her.......
NO NO NO. Do not discuss anything with her parents. I told my ex's parents about what we had been doing with their money (smoking crack). They took his credit cards and cash allowance, but are in denial. They think that fixed it. And really, all it did was TICK HIM OFF TO THE POINT HE THREATENED TO KILL ME. Left a voice mail, had me followed, called all of my friends and family to tell them what they already knew (to try to get back at me), and even threatened my CHILDREN! DO NOT TALK TO HER PARENTS ABOUT HER ADDICTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And that ex, he's still doing drugs, but I washed my hands of him when I decided that -I- had to get clean. For me, telling his parents was good FOR ME. Even though I had to go to the police for protection, it was for a short period, and it was worth it as I am free from that man and the way he twists everything and lies and sucks you in. He's an addict. I know how he thinks because I am too. I started out with that co-dependent crap and ended up being the user. I STILL am. I catch myself all the time.
Go to the meeting, and yes, many people will parrot the advice you've been given. They may have even more and better advice, since they are going through the same things!
Do not just leave the note/key/her stuff/etc. TELL HER TO HER FACE! And the note, like I said, it's not a good one. No offense, but it will be something to add fuel to her fire. Throw it out! Just talk to her about distancing yourself from her and the chaos and drama of her addiction. She may not respond well, but that's her problem. Not yours.
And going through her things? That's just insane.
A lot of addicts are adept at fooling strangers . The ones that love and care for us, they know (not always- but usually). My Mom knew I was on something WAY before I confessed. So it's no wonder your GF can easily fool people at work and keep her job. I know I had a tough time, for a brief period, holding down a job, but that was when my addiction was at full throttle. I chose crack over my lover, my drag racing, my children, my family, my friends, and my job. I held a job only long enough to save a few hundred for more crack. Then when they scheduled me for a weekend I had planned to get loaded, I simply didn't show up. One job I got fired at because I was SO loaded, I went on a violent sort of rampage. I actually called a customer quite a few very very rude names and threatened to kick his azz. I threw a cash register bag (the thing that holds money, with a LOT of coins in it), yelled, screamed, and made a total fool of myself. I left a path of destruction larger than Hurricane Katrina. And she'll do the same, eventually. She just needs to get there. All you can do is pray for her, go to Al Anon, and hope she doesn't kill herself or anyone else when she hits that bottom.
DB, ask yourself this question: "Why do we fall?"
Do you know the answer????
It's so we can learn to pick ourselves up.
Please let her fall. You've come here, you've found a wonderful source of advice and information.
We cannot control you any more than you can control her, but seriously, please consider all the wonderful advice given here, in this thread.
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Old 04-13-2009, 10:31 PM
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If she is truly an alcoholic, you are a potential threat to her continued drinking. Going thru her things would definatly confirm this if she finds out about it. If you already have evidence that she drinks, what more are you looking for? You are either going to accept it and stay with her or accept it and move on.
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Old 04-14-2009, 05:00 AM
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I did not hear a word from her yesterday after I sent the note ... she then was up to anticks again last night - had 30 missed calls on my cell and xx (who knows) on my home phone. She did finally leave a message on my home phone. I took the AMBIEN and was out. She called at 515AM (she knows I'd be up for work) and we talked some. She was very pissed at the note. I didn't have much time to talk so not much else. When I said go thru her things.....I meant that I detailed her car so obiously I cleaned it all out and thru her suitcase - the one she bought here she asked me to get something out of it and I couldnt find it so she came and found it - I basically had to go thru it all. I wasnt expecting or looking to find anything. At my place there is plenty of open wine (which im sure people are going to tell me to put away) but she doesnt touch it. I mean I have 3 wine boxes on the top of my fridge!
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Old 04-14-2009, 05:10 AM
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Were you surprised this morning to find that she had called umpteen times? What is all this telling you?

I think she is becoming more and more comfortable calling you when she is drunk. She certainly isn't hiding anything now. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I would guess she is blaming you for her getting drunk last night because you sent her the note, even if she didn't tell you that. You are always going to be the bad guy now with her.

What's your plan of action.
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Old 04-14-2009, 05:59 AM
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Originally Posted by gerryP View Post
Were you surprised this morning to find that she had called umpteen times? What is all this telling you?

I think she is becoming more and more comfortable calling you when she is drunk. She certainly isn't hiding anything now. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I would guess she is blaming you for her getting drunk last night because you sent her the note, even if she didn't tell you that. You are always going to be the bad guy now with her.

What's your plan of action.
When she called umpteen times - what does this tell me Gerry?? And what do you think is the tip of the iceberg?
She has been calling me at night when she is drunk.

Plan of action is to go to AlAnon tonight and hopefully get a chance to speak my case.

Turn my phones off after 9PM - she IS comfortable calling me when she is drunk. She didn't say it, but I would venture to say drunk because of the note as I have heard similar things in the past - it would be right in line.

Not call as frequently or at all

Dont give her the new letter but discuss it in person with her. It will get her mad and she will state you need to go if you think i have that much of a problem, etc.

Call it quits at some point, just figuring that all out in my head right now. I guess I could always be her friend?!
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Old 04-14-2009, 06:09 AM
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Originally Posted by anonchick View Post
You like her 20% of the time then? Think about it. She's drunk 80% of the time.
Other way around - drunk 20% (USUALLY, but not lately)
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Old 04-14-2009, 06:40 AM
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DB,

It means that she was drunk... again. This time she had a good excuse (not that she wouldn't have otherwise) because you are criticizing her and upsetting her and if you had her life! ...you would be drinking too!!!!
(This is how alcoholics think)

What I mean by this being the tip of the iceberg is that what you are seeing from her now is not all that is really going on. The thing with alcoholism is that it never stays the same, it ALWAYS gets worse.
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Old 04-14-2009, 07:11 AM
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Thanks, but what puzzles me is that when she is occupied (with me) for like 5 days straight she doesn't get trashed at all. Trashed only happens when she is alone. Thats why I wanted her to move in for a month - see if she can not be trashed for a month. I guess you think not, that she will not be able to go a month but for whatever reason I think she may be able to do it..the other way is that we alternate seeing each other every other night and all, it would serve the same purpose. Its funny because I once thought that when I fell asleep that she would go hit the bottle hard - that hasnt happened...

It's just that I see posts on here to stay and then some to leave (like firestorm) which makes it very confusing - I am confused enough with all this. This will be something I bring up at Al Anon tonight if I get the chance.

She reiterated again that all she wants is love and friendship from this relationship - that I should not be in the relationship to fix anything.
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