girlfriend appears to be a closet drinker?
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 36
Firestorm, you are right the story sounds all too familiar...
There have been times when I know there was a guy at her house (or at least very suspicious feeling - i.e. saw an energy drink in her recyclables which I know she didnt drink, etc.) - i.e. I know she was hammered, was talking to me, had to go all of a sudden, I tried to call her back and no answer for hours or at all (like 11PM or so). She always seems to get hammered around/by 10PM for some reason. I was going to let her move in for a MONTH only - i.e. she would still keep her other place and all and just move essentials over with me - we would see how it would work. Major problem is we are 2 hrs away with work and all. We then talked about splitting the weeks up for a month but that never was finalized yet. I figured that I could then see how she would be for the month. I know every person and situation is different so I like to give people the benefit of the doubt so I figured the month would not hurt. We are esentailly together now 50-80% of the time - the times we are not she binge drinks of course! I am thinking to stick with her another month as stated in a previous post - until after her BD. I am drafting a note to her - I may give it to her then or sooner if I am finished with all the nonsense. I will share it on here when its done and see what you all think.......
There have been times when I know there was a guy at her house (or at least very suspicious feeling - i.e. saw an energy drink in her recyclables which I know she didnt drink, etc.) - i.e. I know she was hammered, was talking to me, had to go all of a sudden, I tried to call her back and no answer for hours or at all (like 11PM or so). She always seems to get hammered around/by 10PM for some reason. I was going to let her move in for a MONTH only - i.e. she would still keep her other place and all and just move essentials over with me - we would see how it would work. Major problem is we are 2 hrs away with work and all. We then talked about splitting the weeks up for a month but that never was finalized yet. I figured that I could then see how she would be for the month. I know every person and situation is different so I like to give people the benefit of the doubt so I figured the month would not hurt. We are esentailly together now 50-80% of the time - the times we are not she binge drinks of course! I am thinking to stick with her another month as stated in a previous post - until after her BD. I am drafting a note to her - I may give it to her then or sooner if I am finished with all the nonsense. I will share it on here when its done and see what you all think.......
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Ditto what Anna said. YOu're not 'getting it' tho we've told you in many ways. I can't be a party to your rationalizations any more. I wish you the best and hope you can find a good life without her and her problems.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Pleasant Grove, Alabama
Posts: 50
Deadboy~~before I back away as well, let me ask you a couple of questions: if you know or suspect heavily that she's seeing other men while hammered, why do you love her? If that's the case, she obviously doesn't love you like you want or like you think you do her. Why do you want to 'rescue' her? She's proven she won't stop until SHE wants to. Why do you want to do this to yourself? Think about it. Why do you want this constant feeling of suspicion and worry? Is she really worth it after only 2 months?
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 36
my 1st draft note FOR ANY COMMENTS/SUGGESTIONS you have
I am sure most of you will sya to send this to her ASAP
Let me start by saying that you are a wonderful person and I truly enjoy being with you and doing things with you when you are in the correct state of mind. That being said, I feel I need to convey some of my feelings to you regarding the times when you are in a poor state of mind or incoherent. I received your last email when you stated "If you think I have such a serious problem then don't date me . . . ". This response was upsetting to me especially since you have been to rehab twice already - it is telling me that you don't think you have any issues or problems with drinking and that I need to accept or reject you as is. .
Last week (Friday-Friday) you drank heavily 4 times in 7 days (i.e. 4 times you were in love with the bottle versus me) - I am sure you don't need me to tell you this but it's a good way to start this paragraph. During the 4 nights that you drank heavily (as well as many many other times since we first started dating on 2/14), I received numerous phone calls at all hours of the night. When I receive these calls, they were hostile, violent, needy, amongst other things (i.e. telling me to stay home this past Friday night then calling at midnight to please come over and asking me 100 times, stating that you cannot be with me because I pay my ex alimony payments, amongst several other things). I am really confused about the changes in your behavior when you drink - it's like there is a good side of {name} and a bad/hostile side of {name} (which only comes out when she drinks a lot). The calls I receive usually always upset me (i.e. hanging up on me when {ex boyfriends name} was at your front door, not returning any calls which makes me worry - I even drove over to your place at 2AM only to see you passed out on the couch….then using your hair dryer to warm up, etc.) and then I have trouble falling asleep. You don't remember what you do when are you are in this state which is very scary! Remember I have to get up very early in the morning for work….these after midnight calls interfere with my normal sleep patterns causing me to sometimes be lethargic at work which is not a healthy thing. My phones will be turned off each night before 10PM. If I somehow forget to turn the phones off and answer them with you on the other side in your drunken state, I will simply state"{name} you are drunk and I am not talking to you" and hang up.
I really don't want to be in this bizarre love triangle - {gf name}, {me} & the wine bottle - I want the love bond to be {gf name} and {me} only and I don't see you doing or trying anything to make this happen as the bottle was prevalent 4 of the 7 days last week. It has been the same since the day I met you - {gf name}, the wine bottle second and {me} 3rd….this is not going to work. {gf name} you are not hearing me, or caring what I tell you, so it's either the wine bottle or me and I think you have made it pretty clear thus far that the wine bottle is winning. If you truly care about me you will listen to what I am trying to tell you here If you are willing to make some changes, I am willing to be with you 100%. If you feel everything is fine at the moment (getting hammered 4 of the 7 days last week), I wish you the best of luck in finding another guy who might enjoy your bizarre love triangle.
You say that you would quit drinking if someone was with you all the time. You say you wouldn't drink if you were married or had kids. How can I believe this??????? You have done nothing for me to believe that you want to change (i.e. I just like to drink wine, I don't have any serious drinking issues, let me show you or prove to you that I don't by not getting hammered for a month) because I think you know you can't follow through. The only thing you have said is that you have some issues that you need to straighten out. Well???????????
I will always love and pray for you,
Let me start by saying that you are a wonderful person and I truly enjoy being with you and doing things with you when you are in the correct state of mind. That being said, I feel I need to convey some of my feelings to you regarding the times when you are in a poor state of mind or incoherent. I received your last email when you stated "If you think I have such a serious problem then don't date me . . . ". This response was upsetting to me especially since you have been to rehab twice already - it is telling me that you don't think you have any issues or problems with drinking and that I need to accept or reject you as is. .
Last week (Friday-Friday) you drank heavily 4 times in 7 days (i.e. 4 times you were in love with the bottle versus me) - I am sure you don't need me to tell you this but it's a good way to start this paragraph. During the 4 nights that you drank heavily (as well as many many other times since we first started dating on 2/14), I received numerous phone calls at all hours of the night. When I receive these calls, they were hostile, violent, needy, amongst other things (i.e. telling me to stay home this past Friday night then calling at midnight to please come over and asking me 100 times, stating that you cannot be with me because I pay my ex alimony payments, amongst several other things). I am really confused about the changes in your behavior when you drink - it's like there is a good side of {name} and a bad/hostile side of {name} (which only comes out when she drinks a lot). The calls I receive usually always upset me (i.e. hanging up on me when {ex boyfriends name} was at your front door, not returning any calls which makes me worry - I even drove over to your place at 2AM only to see you passed out on the couch….then using your hair dryer to warm up, etc.) and then I have trouble falling asleep. You don't remember what you do when are you are in this state which is very scary! Remember I have to get up very early in the morning for work….these after midnight calls interfere with my normal sleep patterns causing me to sometimes be lethargic at work which is not a healthy thing. My phones will be turned off each night before 10PM. If I somehow forget to turn the phones off and answer them with you on the other side in your drunken state, I will simply state"{name} you are drunk and I am not talking to you" and hang up.
I really don't want to be in this bizarre love triangle - {gf name}, {me} & the wine bottle - I want the love bond to be {gf name} and {me} only and I don't see you doing or trying anything to make this happen as the bottle was prevalent 4 of the 7 days last week. It has been the same since the day I met you - {gf name}, the wine bottle second and {me} 3rd….this is not going to work. {gf name} you are not hearing me, or caring what I tell you, so it's either the wine bottle or me and I think you have made it pretty clear thus far that the wine bottle is winning. If you truly care about me you will listen to what I am trying to tell you here If you are willing to make some changes, I am willing to be with you 100%. If you feel everything is fine at the moment (getting hammered 4 of the 7 days last week), I wish you the best of luck in finding another guy who might enjoy your bizarre love triangle.
You say that you would quit drinking if someone was with you all the time. You say you wouldn't drink if you were married or had kids. How can I believe this??????? You have done nothing for me to believe that you want to change (i.e. I just like to drink wine, I don't have any serious drinking issues, let me show you or prove to you that I don't by not getting hammered for a month) because I think you know you can't follow through. The only thing you have said is that you have some issues that you need to straighten out. Well???????????
I will always love and pray for you,
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
hmmm...
She sees other guys and has been in rehab twice... she still binges.... you have been dating her for two months...
My head hurts from this thread.
I think before you persue ANY relationship, you need to know yourself better... You seem like a fine person, but why this?
Mark
She sees other guys and has been in rehab twice... she still binges.... you have been dating her for two months...
My head hurts from this thread.
I think before you persue ANY relationship, you need to know yourself better... You seem like a fine person, but why this?
Mark
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 36
yes rehab twice, 1st time 2 weeks (didn't want to miss too much work) and 2nd time 30 days....last time was about 4 years ago. she was just in a 1 year relationship with a guy before me...before the 1 year one, she had a 5 year one and was engaged but the guy wouldnt commit, I wonder WHY??? (at least thats what she told me). I asked her if I could call the guy who was with her for 5 years....she said sure and when I asked for his # she replied FU very hastily...
you said play me until shes better? shes better meaning HOW??? And you mean I want her better but she has no desire to get better right?
you said play me until shes better? shes better meaning HOW??? And you mean I want her better but she has no desire to get better right?
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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Originally Posted by flutter 
You're the only one who wants her sober! That's what everyone's saying. It's like you're addicted to HER.Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Ha.. guess you got it before I deleted it. Anyways.. I'm sure you'll hear from her. She'll tell you what you want to hear, and you'll post her response. And then you'll send another note, and back and forth. Why have you not posted this info on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum? this forum is for people seeking recovery from addiction. I tried to walk away from this darn thread but it's like turning away from a car wreck. She will not get sober for you. It's ridiculous to think she would, or that "if she loves you" blah blah anything. PLEASE ask other people involved w/ alcoholics/drug addicts for advice. You wont find many in THIS particular forum. Please go to Alanon, print out this thread, let somenone help you with YOUR issues here... You are the one with some serious need for help it seems, she doesn't want it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Pleasant Grove, Alabama
Posts: 50
I mean she's playing you and has no desire to get better. She has the best of both worlds to an addict: A man who thinks he loves her and sticks around regardless of her actions. Deadboy, honestly, just the idea of her with another man should be enough to make you get away from her! She DOES NOT WANT TO BE SOBER! In a way, you don't want her to either or you would not keep putting up with it. It's the classic damsel in distress. Only one person will end up hurt here and that's YOU!
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 36
This one has been bad, I have cried or become teary eyed in these last 2 months more than I have been in the last 2 years or more. I guess like someone said I must be addicted to her in a strange way...I like her personality (when sober), her looks, attitude, etc!! ughhhhhhhhhh
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 3
Deadboy,
This is the first time I have posted anything other the a poll. I am compelled to tell you this. I am married to a wonderful guy, I am still drinking and manipulating. We have kids. This doesn't change people. I am not quite ready yet, getting there but still not ready. She is definatly not ready!
This is the first time I have posted anything other the a poll. I am compelled to tell you this. I am married to a wonderful guy, I am still drinking and manipulating. We have kids. This doesn't change people. I am not quite ready yet, getting there but still not ready. She is definatly not ready!
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
DB,
I can see that all of this is very difficult for you and I'm sorry for that. I truly am.
I think your letter is a good one if it's purpose is to serve as a way for you to see WHY this is not a healthy relationship and very likely never will be. My guess is that you won't hear from her, because you may be appearing to be more work than your worth, as seen by her.
As difficult as it may seem DB I think it's time to cash in your chips with this one. My guess is that you are spinning your wheels and will come out the other end (if you do) drained, angry and feeling used and abused. Your gf based on the little we know is not emotionally well and her binging is a symptom of what grave problems she has. To stop drinking is the easy part. Dealing with what causes the drinking and staying stopped is the harder part. It doesn't appear that after 2 stints in rehab. she wants to figure out what those issues are.
As far as the KD goes, I would give her your ticket so she can go with a friend or not go at all. As far as anything she has of yours or you of hers, UPS it. Cut the tie and move forward, so you can find someone that you can honestly have a loving caring and healthy relationship with.
I wish you well DB.
I can see that all of this is very difficult for you and I'm sorry for that. I truly am.
I think your letter is a good one if it's purpose is to serve as a way for you to see WHY this is not a healthy relationship and very likely never will be. My guess is that you won't hear from her, because you may be appearing to be more work than your worth, as seen by her.
As difficult as it may seem DB I think it's time to cash in your chips with this one. My guess is that you are spinning your wheels and will come out the other end (if you do) drained, angry and feeling used and abused. Your gf based on the little we know is not emotionally well and her binging is a symptom of what grave problems she has. To stop drinking is the easy part. Dealing with what causes the drinking and staying stopped is the harder part. It doesn't appear that after 2 stints in rehab. she wants to figure out what those issues are.
As far as the KD goes, I would give her your ticket so she can go with a friend or not go at all. As far as anything she has of yours or you of hers, UPS it. Cut the tie and move forward, so you can find someone that you can honestly have a loving caring and healthy relationship with.
I wish you well DB.
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