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girlfriend appears to be a closet drinker?

Old 04-11-2009, 08:24 AM
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I hear everyone.....
She has said on several occasions that her past relationships have spurred her drinking again. She always finds the WRONG guys (except me she has said - she has said she is lucky with me and doesnt deserve me on a few occasions). Unfortunately I am a bit of a softie...
We bought tickets to the KY Derby in early May and her birthday is in May...I feel I have to stick with her up to that point. When she is sober she is incredible...a great person. She will do anything I want to do with her (i.e. she hasnt been to church in years and is going Sunday because I want to go). My thinking is to make her birthday special and then back away. I know some of you will lecture me on this....so fire away! In the meantime I will go to the alanon meetings to try and understand. At the AA meeting I went to a lady there said she would bring me in some books tonights that are really good so I need to definately go. She drank last night of course and I got the midnight calls to come over. She hasnt called yet so shes still sleeping....what a way to live. Remember she stated she wanted my love and friendship so I'll give her that for now so she can see how wonderful her life can be. I am hoping that her spending 3 months with me or so can help her self realize things....if she doesnt then I will pull back and see her reaction. On a few occasions she has said are you sure you want to see me today (after a night of drinking and calls)...
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Old 04-11-2009, 09:04 AM
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The other thing that kills me (she just called) is that when she calls the next day she acts as if absolutely nothing happened!! All happy and all. What gives?
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Old 04-11-2009, 09:16 AM
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i hate to sound harsh, but she won't change no matter how much you try to help her. she will only change when or if she decides to change. sounds like she's into her addiction pretty deep. i was a lot like that. had very nice people who really cared try to help me...took advantage of them . i was very nice and fun to be around when sober (truly), but was manipulative and nitpicky - would make late night calls, etc when drinking wine alone at home. this can go on for years, decades. it's up to you - how long do you want to be on the sidelines, second to what she really cares about right now (wine)?
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Old 04-11-2009, 09:25 AM
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Originally Posted by deadboy1977 View Post
What gives?
Deadboy,

I understand that you care for this woman, but you are not hearing the messages that are being posted.

It's about you and the boundaries you set for yourself. It's not about your girlfriend and trying to figure out why she is doing what she is doing.
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Old 04-11-2009, 09:52 AM
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100% ditto to what Anna just said.

However what I see is a mutual manipulation dynamic.

I am repeating myself, but PLEASE go read the stickies at the top of the family & friends forum. You will find answers there.
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Old 04-11-2009, 09:55 AM
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Deadboy,

PLEASE - stop and read what others are telleing you. I can tell you from my own experience that she is NOT going to quit until SHE is ready. You can nag her all day long, and it's not going to make things any better. To be honest, (in my case) when someone "nagged" at me, it only made things worse. Sometimes it would make me so upset at myself that it would actually make me drink (pitty party). Unless you have been there, it is very hard to understand. If she has been in treatment before, I'm quite sure she realizes what she is doing and what she needs to do. Also, she more than likely does not want to drink, but she "has" to. I'm sure she is not enjoying this herself either.

As far as acting as if nothing happened, I did that to. When she is READY, she will bring it up. Please consider going and listning to the advice thye give YOU at Alanon. I am pretty sure one of their messages to the freinds and family is that YOU have NO control over HER drinking. I'm sure you mean well, but my opinion is you are making things worse all around for BOTH of you. Remember, you are dealing with alcohol; cunning, baffling...

Best wishes to both of you.
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Old 04-12-2009, 10:55 PM
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Originally Posted by deadboy1977 View Post
WHAT makes one realize that they have a problem?
I am having trouble comprehending that!
People just "wake up" and realize it. HOPEFULLY. Sometimes, like my ex, they do not. My ex smokes crack and meth, shoots heroin, and takes pills. I tried everything I could think of to get him to stop. You know where that got me?
HOOKED ON CRACK COCAINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Think about it.
Now as for how people come to realize it? It's different for each of us. We can come to realize it on our own. Guilt weighing in on us like a lead balloon. Or something else clicks in our minds and lets us know. Some of us figure it out while in detox or sitting in a jail cell. Some people catch on in a few weeks, a few months, or a few years, or longer. IF we are lucky enough to come to realize our problems.
Unfortunately, some people do not. Some people DIE.
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Old 04-12-2009, 11:23 PM
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**SNIPPED
Originally Posted by deadboy1977 View Post
I hear everyone.....
She has said on several occasions that her past relationships have spurred her drinking again. She always finds the WRONG guys (except me she has said - she has said she is lucky with me and doesnt deserve me on a few occasions). Unfortunately I am a bit of a softie...
Manipulation. She does not drink because of anyone or anything else. She drinks because of what is going on with her. But she feels she is a victim. She will say what she needs to say to survive and protect her disease. And I felt a tremendous amount of shame for what I was doing, who I had become. It was a vicious circle. And I do not know what it will take for her to "get it" but I WOULD establish some boundaries with her. I would tell her that you will NOT allow her to drink or be under the influence while interacting with you. So no more drunk calls will be accepted, etc. Take care of YOU.
We bought tickets to the KY Derby in early May and her birthday is in May...I feel I have to stick with her up to that point. When she is sober she is incredible...a great person. She will do anything I want to do with her (i.e. she hasnt been to church in years and is going Sunday because I want to go). My thinking is to make her birthday special and then back away. I know some of you will lecture me on this....so fire away! In the meantime I will go to the alanon meetings to try and understand. At the AA meeting I went to a lady there said she would bring me in some books tonights that are really good so I need to definately go. She drank last night of course and I got the midnight calls to come over. She hasnt called yet so shes still sleeping....what a way to live. Remember she stated she wanted my love and friendship so I'll give her that for now so she can see how wonderful her life can be. I am hoping that her spending 3 months with me or so can help her self realize things....if she doesnt then I will pull back and see her reaction. On a few occasions she has said are you sure you want to see me today (after a night of drinking and calls)...
Of course she has. She knows what she is doing. But today she is not willing to change that, is she? Tell her you will be there for her when she is willing, until then you can not and will not watch her self destruct. In my opinion, that is the best thing you can do for her. It will be a bottom of some sorts. Now whether it will be THE bottom it takes for her to get sober, is up to her.
I wish you the very best. Keep on talking and reaching out.
This is a wonderful place for support and people who have gone through what you are going through.
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Old 04-12-2009, 11:33 PM
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It may seem harsh to tell you back away....

It seems like you really care for this woman....

However, you must care for yourself first.....if you dont take care of you, no one else will take the job either.
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Old 04-13-2009, 07:11 AM
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Well the weekend was good - she didn't drink any alcohol. Went to church, met her parents, sister and all....all seemed very normal. I did go to the meeting Saturday but again I must have been in the wrong meeting/room. It was an AA speaker that I listened to - it was good but I need to find the Alanon meetings. This person told her story ...very sad but she is coming around. Whats really funny is that my gf states if she had a companion (i.e. not alone and bored) that she wouldn't drink....cmon now. Ditto for if she was married or had kids...that was my motive for having her move in for just a month....to see if she really can do it. If she can't, maybe that will wake her up a bit?! Last week was a bad one for her - trashed 4 of the 7 days...

I read all the newest posts - I like the idea of a pull away on the calls. I won't answer any calls after 10PM and if i get a drunken call I won't talk to her. Lets see if/what that message will tell her.....

Last edited by deadboy1977; 04-13-2009 at 07:39 AM.
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Old 04-13-2009, 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted by firestorm090 View Post
After reading much of this thread, it seem, from your last post that she has no reason not to be happy. She's drinking when she wants, sha has a boyfriend who she can manipulate, and she can call at any time, who is trying to show her the error of her ways, while she continues to drink and enjoy the attention. She's playing the sorrow game, poor me, all my other relationships have been terrible, except for you, cause you really are special, you are her knight in shining armor and you can save her from herself, you can change this pattern of misery in her life, all she needs is you, blah, blah, blah.

Come on, who's kidding who here; she has you wrapped around her finger, and you're here going nuts. Waiting till after the KY Derby just gives her more time to wrap you tighter around her finger. Why not back off now and tell her you're taking someone else, then see what she does. My bet is she'll try to bite your head off. Why not try it to see what happens? She's playing you.
Well I bought one ticket and she bought the other ticket so that might be hard to pull off and all...
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Old 04-13-2009, 08:11 AM
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Originally Posted by deadboy1977 View Post
Lets see if/what that message will tell her.....
Deadboy,

Do you see that you are still trying to control the outcome?
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Old 04-13-2009, 08:39 AM
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Hey Deadboy.

If that wasn't the nmae you had chosen for yourself, I would have given it to you.

I'll cut to the chase since I've read through the thread and everyone has spelled it out to you. Why? because we have ALL been there, right down to and including learning to hide it better.

On one level I understand that it's been two months, but it has ONLY been two months. You mentioned that you have a blast with her when she is sober and that she is a great person, but there are a lot of women out there that you could have a blast with and are always sober and lots of women out there who are great people.

I can understand those who stick around hoping to help when they have a history with their spouse or long time relationship, but you have only really met this woman. What do you think is going on in you that wants to take her and her addiction on?

Dating is essentially a weeding out process , not a work in progress project.

My best to you DB, honestly. I think you have a lot of thinking to do here and some action needs to follow for YOU.
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Old 04-13-2009, 08:40 AM
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deadboy~I was a wine drinkier. Every night for at least the past month and the majority of nights for at least the past year. Always would start after feeding my kids and getting them settled in the evenings. I made the phone calls, said horrible things, did horrible things and decided on my own I had to quit because I was becoming a horrible person. I embarrassed my kids, myself and endangered them. I quit a week ago. My sister is a drug addict. BAD. She's 30 and has twin girls who just turned 8. At least once a week we get calls about what she's done, or her calling all messed up. She's od'd several times. She finally woke up. Guess what did it? She attacked her ex Thursday morning while high and was arrested on domestic violence, resisting arrest and harrassment. THEN DHR gave her kids to her ex and put her on outpatient drug treatment. So, she's facing criminal charges and a long fight to get her girls back.

My point with this is you asked how a person realizes they have a problem. It depends on the person. She may know she has a problem but not know how to solve it or not want to yet. All those times that my parents would cover for my sister and watch her kids whlie she slept off the pills didn't help. All the times when someone else would pick up my son from his girlfriend's because I was drinking didn't help. It ENABLED me and her to feed our addiction.

You gotta stop enabling her.
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Old 04-13-2009, 08:42 AM
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Ditto to what Anna said.

I feel for you and I feel for her. I believe that she may not be ready, but more importantly YOU may not be ready to listen to the wisdom and advice being offered here.

If you truly care for her, you must stop trying to control her and her drinking. She won't stop for you. Trust me. I almost lost everything, including my husband and I didn't stop until I was ready. You cannot control this, as badly as I know you want to.

Good luck to you.

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Old 04-13-2009, 09:18 AM
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Originally Posted by anonchick View Post

My point with this is you asked how a person realizes they have a problem. It depends on the person. She may know she has a problem but not know how to solve it or not want to yet. All those times that my parents would cover for my sister and watch her kids whlie she slept off the pills didn't help. All the times when someone else would pick up my son from his girlfriend's because I was drinking didn't help. It ENABLED me and her to feed our addiction.

You gotta stop enabling her.
Ditto on that. Sometimes I wish that my best friend had called the cops on me, back in August, when I attacked him when I was on one of my crack binges. I might have gotten clean sooner. Or I may have not, but the point is, people, who don't use or may not understand the addict mind, tend to enable those of us who are in active addiction. My best friend watched my kids while I went to my ex's to get high on crack all weekend. He put up with me when I was high at his house. Most of the time I just came over to 'come down'. But sometimes I was violent or severely depressed during my active addiction. I used to think it was a good thing, but looking back on it, he was helping me justify my using. I always had a safe place to go when I got loaded, so I told myself it was perfectly fine to still get loaded.
How many times I went to the bathroom in his house, acting like I had to go, but really was sneaking in a few hits.
He's on my list to make amends to, but I am not quite to that step yet.
Deadboy, I have to repeat that you cannot control her. Cannot do a "let's see" approach. You're setting yourself up for HUGE let downs! She cannot stop for you. She can say she will, but it's obvious she will not and pressuring her to do it could drive her to drink even more.
When my best friend told me I needed to stop, I got loaded more. I did the "I'll show him" thing. And it sure didn't turn out well for me. He ended up taking me to the hospital for my 2nd OD.
After that, when I came down, I realized I was harming myself, but I could have died. I might not have had the chance to feel the guilt and remorse and the chance to change my ways.
Your GF has to realize her problem on her own. I really hope she has the same opportunities that the rest of us on SR have had and continue to have.
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Old 04-13-2009, 09:45 AM
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this is the response I got when I sent her the note below that I extracted from a friend on here..

"If you think I have such a serious problem then don't date me . . . "

I feel your pain in more ways than one...I'm the girlfriend/wife that the loving man needs to deal with. I have so much pain in my past and have dealt with it in the most destructive ways. When I was dating my husband, I was the closet drinker. We had the long distance relationship--he was an hour away, and didn't have a clue as to the extent of my disease. When we were together, it was a social drinking thing. But, the closet drinking always came into play when he wasn't there. He just thought that sometimes I just tended to tie one on. Now that we have been married for a few years, he realizes what he has gotten into--a woman that cannot control her drinking no matter what the circumstances. He has threatened to leave me a few times and take the kids with, and the last time I decided that I was not going to let this demon ruin my life and everything in it...13 days ago...woo hoo !

Flip side--my dad was an even worse drunk than I was. Waking up at 5 a.m. and drinking massive amounts of vodka all day long. He was close to death before my mom told him and all of us kids that she was going to leave him. At that point he went into inpatient rehab for 30 days--he's been sober ever since--9 years ago !! My mom was so close to giving up everything, and he came clean. I've never seen them so close and happy, even happier than I can remember as a child.

There is hope if you really love this girl--she just has to realize her problem and what can happen to her if she doesn't confront the problem--which is potentially losing the best thing that ever happened to her.
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Old 04-13-2009, 10:11 AM
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DB,

If we were f2f right now, my tone is gentle.

Are you reading the posts that everyone has given thought to and written. Everyone but yourself has your best interests in mind...except you seemingly. Have you given any thought to why you want to make this work so early in meeting her?

I don't discount what some have reported who had a similar experience and it worked out, but you can't take those one off's and expect the same result.

Your gf response (I believe that was her response) uh oh....sounds to me that she may be telling you that the bottle is going to win and if you want to accept her on her terms, fine, if not.......... don't forget, she's a victim here. ;-/
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Old 04-13-2009, 10:17 AM
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She gave you an ultimatum. Take it. Don't date her. She's in denial DB--please listen. I know what I am talking about.
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Old 04-13-2009, 10:41 AM
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I would have to agree. Stop seeing her. Stop calling her or taking her calls. Distance yourself from her. She's not hearing you, or caring what you tell her, so let her have the bottle and not have you. For your own good, please stop trying to 'save' her. Only she can save herself.
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