Thread: girlfriend appears to be a closet drinker?
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Old 04-13-2009, 01:50 PM
  # 101 (permalink)  
CrackQuack
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
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Originally Posted by deadboy1977 View Post
I am sure most of you will sya to send this to her ASAP
I am going to say NOT to send it to her, give it to her, whatever. She doesn't care. Honestly. Take it from someone who has been on both sides. I tried giving my ex little notes, "to show I care", but it's a form of control. And it backfired horrendously! Do you want to become an addict? If you're sure you won't become an addict, do you want to be the addict's hostage for the rest of your life?
If I were to get a letter like that, I'd read between the lines and think you are trying to control me and my life and I'd just go hit the pipe all the more just to spite you. It's HOW the addict mind works (not that I can speak for all addicts, only myself)
And you DO need to accept or reject her AS IS. You CANNOT change anyone but yourself. You either accept she is an addict and deal with it best you can, leading a life of chaos and drama. Wondering if she's seeing other men, or even other women! Wondering if she's getting loaded when she's not talking to you. Wondering if she's going to drive while loaded. Wondering if she's gotten arrested or died! Many MANY MANY MANY sleepless nights.
DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT????
Or you can reject the whole situation. It's only been a couple months and "giving it one more month" will NOT make a difference. You won't have lost anything!
But if you stay, you risk losing yourself, which, in the grand scheme of things, is EVERYTHING!
It may work, it may not. Hell, breaking it off with her MIGHT be the thing she needs to really realize she has a problem!
And I don't mean to sound harsh. Honestly. I am just trying to be helpful, but you need to seriously consider checking in with someone to talk to. Like a psychiatrist or psychologist, or simple therapist. Your letter, if read between the lines, like she most likely will IF you let her have it, sounds controlling, demeaning, demanding, and belittling. It also comes off as if you are addicted (pun intended) to trying to save her. Such a young relationship with such harsh problems.
It was 3 months of dating my boyfriend before we made anything "official" and when I asked him if he was ready to "go steady" and he said yes, I told him there was something he should know about me before making THAT commitment. And I told him about being a crack addict. Which, yeah, made him BACK THE HECK OFF. He thanked me for being upfront and honest and told me to let's take our time. About a month later, we did agree that we would see only each other, but we're still taking it slow. He doesn't want to put his heart into someone so young in recovery, and frankly, I don't blame him. Because, if I slip up once, I'll choose crack over him ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. I've STOOD HIM UP FOR CRACK BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More than once.
I do not stay off the crack for him. I do it for myself. I continue to come to SR, go to NA meetings, call my sponsor and network of friends, and do my step work. FOR ME. It's a coincidence that he receives the benefits of it.
So you really REALLY need to understand an addict. When we're active, we'll chose our DOC over you ANY DAY, ANY TIME, ANY MINUTE. You will LOSE every time! Especially when we're in denial.
If she were seeking help already, it MIGHT be a different story, but it's not. She has made her choice. Don't try to justify staying with her or trying to get us to justify it for you. We will not. You SHOULD NOT!
Refuse to accept her and see where that goes. Like I said, it could be the wake up call she needs. You seem like a really nice guy and it's HER LOSS!
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