deadboy1977

HER RESPONSE, NOW WHAT???????

Perhaps I didn't answer it in writing but we have discussed it. It's not healthy and I need to make some changes.
Please don't lecture me about this - it won't help.

I responded like this:

OK, is there anything I can do to help?

I love you...........

Her response back....

Nothing other than giving me your love and friendship

Anna

Deadboy,

To be honest, it seems to me that you are monitoring her and maybe even trying to control her actions.

I think you should focus on yourself. She won't stop drinking because you are asking her to. When my husband did that, I just worked harder to hide it from him.

least

My daughter lectured me plenty and begged/bugged me to quit drinking. I couldn't stop until I wanted to stop for myself. I also told her I'd 'cut back' or quit, but I just did a better job (I thought) of hiding it. I also told her to stop worrying about me. It might be best to just remove yourself from this equation for a while and let her hit bottom, whatever that may be.

It's hard to watch someone you love self-destructing. Take good care of yourself, with AlAnon and in other ways. I will keep you in my prayers.:ghug3

flutter

I have to agree with other posters, you're role in this really should be quite minimal if at all. Work on yourself, talk about this at AlAnon.. it's almost (by the "lets see what happens!!" comment) a sick game at this point.. I'm not sure what more your'e looking for here. Have you posted in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum? They might be equipped to teach you how to set some boundaries and give you a really good idea of what your role might be better played as other than controlling and really enmeshed in her issues. I'd probably really be hurt if my personal emails were splattered all over a recovery site, hopefully she never comes here for support..

flutter

I need to correct that and I can't edit.. I hope she gets support, and I hope she would come here, or to a great place like it, but I hope she never sees this thread.. that's what I meant, seeing as this likely would be where she would land.. the newcomers place and all.

miss communicat

I agree
healthy, self respecting boundaries sound like a good idea here

come on over to Friends and Family of Alcohoilcs Forum. There's a ton of Alanon wisdom waiting to be shared!

lovinmenow

Run like hell dude. Good luck.

Live

Please do check out the family and friends forum.
The stickies at the top are SO helpful!

deadboy1977

She was at it again last night (solo at home alone of course).
I wrote her this note this am and its the last one I am writing....
--------------------
I am here for you because I care about you - do not take this as a lecture for it isn't.

Unfortunately I realize that no one can prevent anyone from drinking. It's obvious you hit the wine heavy again last night.

Binge drinkers (people like you) often don't believe that they have a problem with alcohol because they don't drink every day. They think that they're under control - but they're not.

Here's a simple self test for you to take as a "reality check". Be totally honest when/if you take the test. Share the results with me if you are comfortable doing so....what was your score??

untwist-your-thinking.com/alcohol-addiction. html

This can be a start to break any denial you may have. As you already know there are plenty of options - go to AA, speak to an addiction counselor, get recovery coaching, maybe rehab, etc. There are a lot of success stories with recovery coaching by phone or on Skype. But the help you decide to get is up to you. Whatever the choice, I know you can't do it alone and I will stand by your side and be there for you 100% because I love you!

Al Anon is a good support program to help family members and friends deal with drinking problems. I am planning on dropping in on their meeting this Saturday night. All the members at this meeting will be able to relate to my situation and I won't feel so alone.

The decision on the path forward is up to you!

I won't email you again about your drinking problem unless I hear otherwise from you.

Love,

flutter

Shaking my head and walking far far away from this twisted mess. GL!

Live

With due respect, you are also in denial.

I still remember very clearly when I was told that when I first joined and posted several times. I was taken aback by the bluntness of it (thank you Morning Glory) but it was the best, most helpful thing and I really needed to be told that.
I also needed to be "shaken" out of my denial.
Only with that, could I even BEGIN to understand and learn to be educated, think about, and learn to know how to act in a beneficial manner towards the situation I was in.
I still have a long way to go but I shudder to think what may have happened if I had not been given that gift.

YAY for you for going to Alanon!!!!!

Anna

Deadboy,

You are continuing to communicate with your girlfriend and say the same things over again, even though she is continuing to drink.

Please seek help for yourself.

deadboy1977

Well she was supposed to come visit me tonight and decided not to.....my hunch is she will hit the wine heavy later because she has to go see the family tomorrow....lets see if I am right. Way to depressing....esp if she hits the wine tonight again....it will be 4 times in 7 days...

TTOSBT

Please listen to what everyone is saying and get some help for YOU.
She has to find her own way.
You have NO control over this. There is no way for you to fix this!
I hope you get to that Alanon meeting and talk to the folks over on Friends and Family :ghug2

LucyLuLu

Deadboy--I feel your pain in more ways than one...I'm the girlfriend/wife that the loving man needs to deal with. I have so much pain in my past and have dealt with it in the most destructive ways. When I was dating my husband, I was the closet drinker. We had the long distance relationship--he was an hour away, and didn't have a clue as to the extent of my disease. When we were together, it was a social drinking thing. But, the closet drinking always came into play when he wasn't there. He just thought that sometimes I just tended to tie one on. Now that we have been married for a few years, he realizes what he has gotten into--a woman that cannot control her drinking no matter what the circumstances. He has threatened to leave me a few times and take the kids with, and the last time I decided that I was not going to let this demon ruin my life and everything in it...13 days ago...woo hoo !

Flip side--my dad was an even worse drunk than I was. Waking up at 5 a.m. and drinking massive amounts of vodka all day long. He was close to death before my mom told him and all of us kids that she was going to leave him. At that point he went into inpatient rehab for 30 days--he's been sober ever since--9 years ago !! My mom was so close to giving up everything, and he came clean. I've never seen them so close and happy, even happier than I can remember as a child.

There is hope if you really love this girl--she just has to realize her problem and what can happen to her if she doesn't confront the problem--which is potentially losing the best thing that ever happened to her.

Al Anon is the answer for you, AA the answer for her. Best wishes...

OZboy

"Never buy a car you can't push ! "

deadboy1977

WHAT makes one realize that they have a problem?
I am having trouble comprehending that!

least

Perhaps your leaving and cutting all ties to her might force her to realize how bad off she is. But continuing communication doesn't seem to be helping her. I'd suggest you distance yourself for a while, and get help for yourself thru AlAnon. She's not hearing your messages so maybe she'd "hear" your absence.

Anna

None of us know what will make your girlfriend realize she has a problem.

That's the point - she has to figure it out for herself.

You can't figure it out for her, nor can we can tell you how or when she will decide she has a problem.

LucyLuLu

One realizes they have a problem when they are about to lose everything in their life that truly means anything to them because alcohol has TAKEN OVER. If you lay down the consequences of her behavior and she still continues to drink--your connection to her is over. These are things that are taught to families that pursue an "intervention".

One of the best shows on TV is "Intervention"--real life stories of families/loved ones trying to get their addict to go to rehab/counseling. WATCH IT !! You'll see how laying down consequences to an addict almost always spurns them to seek rehab. As the saying goes--you have to hit rock bottom to realize you need to climb up and seek sobriety.

"Intervention"--A & E channel, Monday nites @ 7 p.m. cst.