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girlfriend appears to be a closet drinker?

Old 04-09-2009, 09:40 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by deadboy1977 View Post
Well she visited me last night, no alcohol consumption, she was great!
She will be solo tonight so let's seeeee, who wants to bet?

I sent her this quick note this morning and I will call and check on her tonight.

====================
You never really answered my question in my 4/6 note (question was "Well you broke your promise this past Friday night...........do you feel you have a drinking problem currently?"....can you answer it?

I hope you can see that drinking is not the answer to any problems. When I am with you and you are not plastered you are such an incredible person (like last night).

When I came and saw you Monday night it was very saddening.....I ask myself how could a person like you (sober and wonderful) do that to themself??

The same thing happened Friday.

Please do not drink tonight when you are alone.

The best support I can give you is to tell you to quit completely for yourself.

I LOVE YOU!
=============================

I wonder if she will respond and what her response will be??????????
HER RESPONSE, NOW WHAT???????

Perhaps I didn't answer it in writing but we have discussed it. It's not healthy and I need to make some changes.
Please don't lecture me about this - it won't help.

I responded like this:

OK, is there anything I can do to help?

I love you...........

Her response back....

Nothing other than giving me your love and friendship
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Old 04-09-2009, 09:47 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Deadboy,

To be honest, it seems to me that you are monitoring her and maybe even trying to control her actions.

I think you should focus on yourself. She won't stop drinking because you are asking her to. When my husband did that, I just worked harder to hide it from him.
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Old 04-09-2009, 09:50 AM
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My daughter lectured me plenty and begged/bugged me to quit drinking. I couldn't stop until I wanted to stop for myself. I also told her I'd 'cut back' or quit, but I just did a better job (I thought) of hiding it. I also told her to stop worrying about me. It might be best to just remove yourself from this equation for a while and let her hit bottom, whatever that may be.

It's hard to watch someone you love self-destructing. Take good care of yourself, with AlAnon and in other ways. I will keep you in my prayers.:ghug3
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Old 04-09-2009, 11:59 AM
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I have to agree with other posters, you're role in this really should be quite minimal if at all. Work on yourself, talk about this at AlAnon.. it's almost (by the "lets see what happens!!" comment) a sick game at this point.. I'm not sure what more your'e looking for here. Have you posted in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum? They might be equipped to teach you how to set some boundaries and give you a really good idea of what your role might be better played as other than controlling and really enmeshed in her issues. I'd probably really be hurt if my personal emails were splattered all over a recovery site, hopefully she never comes here for support..
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Old 04-09-2009, 02:34 PM
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I need to correct that and I can't edit.. I hope she gets support, and I hope she would come here, or to a great place like it, but I hope she never sees this thread.. that's what I meant, seeing as this likely would be where she would land.. the newcomers place and all.
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Old 04-09-2009, 02:42 PM
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I agree
healthy, self respecting boundaries sound like a good idea here

come on over to Friends and Family of Alcohoilcs Forum. There's a ton of Alanon wisdom waiting to be shared!
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Old 04-09-2009, 04:20 PM
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Run like hell dude. Good luck.
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Old 04-09-2009, 08:49 PM
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Please do check out the family and friends forum.
The stickies at the top are SO helpful!
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Old 04-10-2009, 04:46 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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She was at it again last night (solo at home alone of course).
I wrote her this note this am and its the last one I am writing....
--------------------
I am here for you because I care about you - do not take this as a lecture for it isn't.

Unfortunately I realize that no one can prevent anyone from drinking. It's obvious you hit the wine heavy again last night.

Binge drinkers (people like you) often don't believe that they have a problem with alcohol because they don't drink every day. They think that they're under control - but they're not.

Here's a simple self test for you to take as a "reality check". Be totally honest when/if you take the test. Share the results with me if you are comfortable doing so....what was your score??

untwist-your-thinking.com/alcohol-addiction. html

This can be a start to break any denial you may have. As you already know there are plenty of options - go to AA, speak to an addiction counselor, get recovery coaching, maybe rehab, etc. There are a lot of success stories with recovery coaching by phone or on Skype. But the help you decide to get is up to you. Whatever the choice, I know you can't do it alone and I will stand by your side and be there for you 100% because I love you!

Al Anon is a good support program to help family members and friends deal with drinking problems. I am planning on dropping in on their meeting this Saturday night. All the members at this meeting will be able to relate to my situation and I won't feel so alone.

The decision on the path forward is up to you!

I won't email you again about your drinking problem unless I hear otherwise from you.

Love,

Last edited by deadboy1977; 04-10-2009 at 05:08 AM.
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Old 04-10-2009, 06:12 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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Shaking my head and walking far far away from this twisted mess. GL!
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Old 04-10-2009, 09:13 AM
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With due respect, you are also in denial.

I still remember very clearly when I was told that when I first joined and posted several times. I was taken aback by the bluntness of it (thank you Morning Glory) but it was the best, most helpful thing and I really needed to be told that.
I also needed to be "shaken" out of my denial.
Only with that, could I even BEGIN to understand and learn to be educated, think about, and learn to know how to act in a beneficial manner towards the situation I was in.
I still have a long way to go but I shudder to think what may have happened if I had not been given that gift.

YAY for you for going to Alanon!!!!!
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Old 04-10-2009, 09:20 AM
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Deadboy,

You are continuing to communicate with your girlfriend and say the same things over again, even though she is continuing to drink.

Please seek help for yourself.
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Old 04-10-2009, 05:50 PM
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Well she was supposed to come visit me tonight and decided not to.....my hunch is she will hit the wine heavy later because she has to go see the family tomorrow....lets see if I am right. Way to depressing....esp if she hits the wine tonight again....it will be 4 times in 7 days...
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Old 04-10-2009, 06:55 PM
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Please listen to what everyone is saying and get some help for YOU.
She has to find her own way.
You have NO control over this. There is no way for you to fix this!
I hope you get to that Alanon meeting and talk to the folks over on Friends and Family :ghug2
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Old 04-10-2009, 07:25 PM
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Deadboy--I feel your pain in more ways than one...I'm the girlfriend/wife that the loving man needs to deal with. I have so much pain in my past and have dealt with it in the most destructive ways. When I was dating my husband, I was the closet drinker. We had the long distance relationship--he was an hour away, and didn't have a clue as to the extent of my disease. When we were together, it was a social drinking thing. But, the closet drinking always came into play when he wasn't there. He just thought that sometimes I just tended to tie one on. Now that we have been married for a few years, he realizes what he has gotten into--a woman that cannot control her drinking no matter what the circumstances. He has threatened to leave me a few times and take the kids with, and the last time I decided that I was not going to let this demon ruin my life and everything in it...13 days ago...woo hoo !

Flip side--my dad was an even worse drunk than I was. Waking up at 5 a.m. and drinking massive amounts of vodka all day long. He was close to death before my mom told him and all of us kids that she was going to leave him. At that point he went into inpatient rehab for 30 days--he's been sober ever since--9 years ago !! My mom was so close to giving up everything, and he came clean. I've never seen them so close and happy, even happier than I can remember as a child.

There is hope if you really love this girl--she just has to realize her problem and what can happen to her if she doesn't confront the problem--which is potentially losing the best thing that ever happened to her.

Al Anon is the answer for you, AA the answer for her. Best wishes...
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Old 04-10-2009, 11:56 PM
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Old 04-11-2009, 06:06 AM
  # 57 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by TTOSBT View Post
Please listen to what everyone is saying and get some help for YOU.
She has to find her own way.
You have NO control over this. There is no way for you to fix this!
I hope you get to that Alanon meeting and talk to the folks over on Friends and Family :ghug2
WHAT makes one realize that they have a problem?
I am having trouble comprehending that!
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Old 04-11-2009, 06:12 AM
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Perhaps your leaving and cutting all ties to her might force her to realize how bad off she is. But continuing communication doesn't seem to be helping her. I'd suggest you distance yourself for a while, and get help for yourself thru AlAnon. She's not hearing your messages so maybe she'd "hear" your absence.
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Old 04-11-2009, 06:15 AM
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None of us know what will make your girlfriend realize she has a problem.

That's the point - she has to figure it out for herself.

You can't figure it out for her, nor can we can tell you how or when she will decide she has a problem.
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Old 04-11-2009, 06:28 AM
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Originally Posted by deadboy1977 View Post
WHAT makes one realize that they have a problem?
I am having trouble comprehending that!

One realizes they have a problem when they are about to lose everything in their life that truly means anything to them because alcohol has TAKEN OVER. If you lay down the consequences of her behavior and she still continues to drink--your connection to her is over. These are things that are taught to families that pursue an "intervention".

One of the best shows on TV is "Intervention"--real life stories of families/loved ones trying to get their addict to go to rehab/counseling. WATCH IT !! You'll see how laying down consequences to an addict almost always spurns them to seek rehab. As the saying goes--you have to hit rock bottom to realize you need to climb up and seek sobriety.

"Intervention"--A & E channel, Monday nites @ 7 p.m. cst.
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