girlfriend appears to be a closet drinker?

Old 04-14-2009, 06:38 AM
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Originally Posted by deadboy1977 View Post

She reiterated again that all she wants is love and friendship from this relationship - that I should not be in the relationship to fix anything.
Excellent point she made!

Good luck at alanon, I really hope you go.
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Old 04-14-2009, 07:05 AM
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So is this thread about Alcohol recovery or relationship counseling?
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Old 04-14-2009, 07:09 AM
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Originally Posted by deadboy1977 View Post
Thanks, but what puzzles me is that when she is occupied (with me) for like 5 days straight she doesn't get trashed at all. Trashed only happens when she is alone. Thats why I wanted her to move in for a month - see if she can not be trashed for a month. I guess you think not, that she will not be able to go a month but for whatever reason I think she may be able to do it..the other way is that we alternate seeing each other every other night and all, it would serve the same purpose. Its funny because I once thought that when I fell asleep that she would go hit the bottle hard - that hasnt happened...
Drinking is just a symptom of the problem. I also see you grabbing at straws-thinking you have some kind of power over her drinking (when she's occupied with me, she doesn't get trashed).

Even when she's not drinking, the problem is still there, and it's looking right back at her in the mirror.

Ultimately you're going to do what you're going to do, regardless of what anyone says here.
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Old 04-14-2009, 08:30 AM
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was very pissed at the note. I didn't have much time to talk so not much else. When I said go thru her things.....I meant that I detailed her car so obiously I cleaned it all out and thru her suitcase - the one she bought here she asked me to get something out of it and I couldnt find it so she came and found it - I basically had to go thru it all.
Nobody has to "go thru" anyone's suitcase. Period. That is someone elses personal space that you are violating.

Sorry, but it really sounds like you are enjoying the co-dependent ride. I guess it might be fun for a while, playing the cat and mouse, but believe me the fun won't last.
Going through the suitcase will upgrade to going through the closets, the hidey hole places and you really have to ask yourself if you want to play that role. It's a crappy role and I wouldn't want it.
I would rather have my signifigant other tell me what I need to hear: quit drinking. Instead of having someone go through my things. that is not cool at all.
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Old 04-14-2009, 09:10 AM
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Actually, it's more than 50% of the time, Deadboy. You said yourself that she's drunk 4 out of 7 days. Can you really live with that? No way in hell will she stop if you are together 24/7. I still am scratching my head over the idea of her seeing other men and you condoning it. Or excusing it to the alcohol. I'm sorry, but my grandfather's words come to mind here: "A drunk man's words is a sober man's thoughts." If she did it while drunk she's thought about it while sober. Same with me. I will let someone have it while drunk but while sober would be more apt to hold back--but I would THINK about it and WANT to say it. Make sense anyone?
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Old 04-14-2009, 10:19 AM
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So how's the relationship working for you, deadboy?
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Old 04-14-2009, 10:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Pinkcuda View Post
So is this thread about Alcohol recovery or relationship counseling?
Both, Many times they go hand in hand.
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Old 04-14-2009, 10:38 AM
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DB, I get a sense that this is tearing you apart inside. Should I, shouldn't what?

It's easy for all of us to comment because we are looking from the outside in and we are not emotionally invested, but I think most if not all here can agree that your gf's thinking, behaviour actions and reactions are old hat to us. "A been there, done that."

If you don't mind answering this for me please, I think I may not be the only one wondering...What is your goal in all of this? What is it that you, in a perfect world would like to see be the outcome.
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Old 04-14-2009, 10:49 AM
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In this case the one with the drinking problem has no idea this thread even exists.
Here's a quote from AA's big book. Whether you do AA or not this part is true.
"We were having troubles with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were prey to mysery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had feelings of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people"
Then people come to us for advice???
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Old 04-14-2009, 11:03 AM
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I have to say something. After reading through this thread I am very concerned for the safety of the lady described in the author's posts. In my opinion it's not about alcoholism. It's about a man's obsession with a woman he has known for a very short amount of time.

Deadboy: a lot of your language concerns me, such as: "tonight she's going to hit the wine, let's make a bet" or "when she's sober she's perfect. She does anything I want," or "she will be drunk tonight.....anyone want to wager a bet???" NO. You're betting on her failures, you're policing her activities, looking through her personal items, driving to her place unexpected, asking for past boyfriend's phone numbers (I wouldn't give you an ex boyfriend's number either), keeping a journal/log on her activities, etc. You're building yourself up as some kind of victim even though it's obvious (after reading the entire thread) that you have flung yourself into this role 100% after 2 months. She's 35 years old and you're thinking of speaking to her parents?! All those e-mails you have written her and meetings you'regoing to. It appears to me that you're the one who is out of control. You're crossing so many boundaries here, this could easily turn into you stalking her in the future. She is going to get sick of being controlled after only knowing you a couple months and will hopefully stop taking your calls and block your e-mails. If she was a friend of mine I would advise her that. You're taking over her life in a very creepy and all consuming way. She would be right to cut you off as you are violating her right to privacy as a human being.

Bottom line is I hope one of you walks away from this "relationship" (if you can call it that) for the safety of each of you individualy. I believe she will be the one to do it though and I hope you will be able to let her go.

I also think that all advisors need to be careful and keep in mind the woman's safety and the author's state of mind.
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Old 04-14-2009, 11:12 AM
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I see two hurting people.

The longer i was with my beloved alcoholic...the more and more crazy I got.

And I simply did not understand what was happening and who I had become.

We split 7 years ago and I am still learning.
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Old 04-14-2009, 11:32 AM
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Please read bostonluv's post over and over until you get it... I have the same concerns... Leave that woman alone, whether or not she needs help, she probably doesn't need yours... recording a journal of her activities, searching her personal spaces, etc... And I think she doesn't want it either.

Thank you bostonluv


Last edited by Mark75; 04-14-2009 at 11:33 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 04-14-2009, 12:18 PM
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I have removed several posts from this thread regarding a post being copied and sent to someone outside SR. This is a privacy issue and is against our rules.
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Old 04-14-2009, 12:22 PM
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I would be scared to death! You have no right to be doing what you have. You are not married! Get over it! And please tell her to seek police help!
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Old 04-14-2009, 01:01 PM
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51anna~~I am SO sorry if I broke a rule! I was chastising him for sending a post. I am very sorry.
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Old 04-14-2009, 01:21 PM
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I think it's time to leave this thread behind. I wish you the best Deadboy, I truly do, but you are not 'getting it'. You are asking for advice yet are ignoring it. You were not totally honest to begin with and as things come out, it appears you need help as well. Leave her be. i am not intending to offend you, it's just that you ignore all we say when you ask.

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Old 04-14-2009, 04:55 PM
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Originally Posted by 51anna View Post
I have removed several posts from this thread regarding a post being copied and sent to someone outside SR. This is a privacy issue and is against our rules.
Ahh, I thought I was going crazy for a second (Ok, I am already crazy, I know!), as I knew I had posted. Thank you for letting us know.. I don't know if I wrote anything wrong in it, but if I did, let me know what it was and I'll be sure to watch myself more closely. You know how we can get sometimes.. A little excited. hehehe.. sorry!
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Old 07-07-2010, 10:35 AM
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Well the saga finally ended about a month ago, you were all right on here of course! Sometimes a man needs to live the journey himself as a learning experience and I guess thats what I did. The problem is I feel addicted to her now, now that shes not around! I think about her, worry about her, wonder if she's passed out again, etc. The removal (physically) has caused my emotions to wander....I do realize that TIME and time to heal are the critical factors now so thats my take care of ME. I had more stress the 1 year I was with this girl than I did the rest of my life combined! I am going to a counsellor and attending alanon. Thanks to all who posted on this link, I guess I should have listened a year ago!
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Old 07-07-2010, 10:41 AM
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Glad you're getting help, now it's time for your recovery!
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Old 07-07-2010, 12:20 PM
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Why does she call the next day and act as if nothing happenend? SHE DOESN'T REMEMBER!!!! Poor thing, it's an awful disease. Won't matter what you do, jump through hoops ,skip, jump, cry she has to do this HERSELF.
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