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girlfriend appears to be a closet drinker?

Old 04-07-2009, 11:21 AM
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Originally Posted by deadboy1977 View Post

Then after all this discussion I went to bed - she was sober. At midnight she called and was trashed.

I decided to go visit her - she was passed out on the couch when I got there and there was 2 empty bottles of wine on the counter.......depressing.

I helped her to her bed.
this is only the beginning. Sorry to say, my friend, this sounds like a world of hurt ahead.....
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Old 04-07-2009, 11:32 AM
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Hi,

I know how heart breaking this may be for you, and I am sorry for your pain...

I see one problem amongst others, that will happen if your girlfriend continues to drink...Soon, she may not be a closet drinker, and get sloushed right in front of you, which could bring about other painful issues.

You can continue to be a good example and keep your addiction in check...As others have said here, Alanon is a great group to be involved with...Lots of great advise here...above...:ghug

# one, keep yourself healthy and free from active addiction...If this cannot be you may need to evaluate this relationship...Is it worth hanging unto?
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Old 04-07-2009, 12:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Jayne2 View Post

Although I can understand people telling you to RUN! I'm sure glad nobody told my husband to!
I know I said to run too, but I am also glad that my former boyfriend and now best friend (10 years) didn't run either. When he cornered me about what I was doing and I confessed to smoking crack, IN HIS HOUSE OF ALL PLACES, many people told him to run and he cried for hours. I've never seen a grown man cry like that and it broke my heart. THAT is when I first started to want to stop, but I couldn't. And he's played a huge part in my recovery. I am so glad he did not run.
If he had, I shudder to think where I might be today because we can't do it alone...
Thanks for helping me remember that.
But also, for the guy helping his girlfriend, it has to be really really hard on the person trying to help the addict. It could go quick or it could take years. Take care of YOU first. It may be the best thing to run, or it may be the best thing to help her. Only you know that....
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Old 04-07-2009, 01:17 PM
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Originally Posted by CrackQuack View Post

But also, for the guy helping his girlfriend, it has to be really really hard on the person trying to help the addict. It could go quick or it could take years. Take care of YOU first. It may be the best thing to run, or it may be the best thing to help her. Only you know that....
I totally agree. It's such a personal decision and everyone's situation is different. I'm glad my husband stayed, but there have been many times I thought he deserved so much better, and he probably did.

Crackquack is right - only you can decide. Sounds like things are really escalating though (with the AA meeting, the getting drunk confrontation etc.) so hopefully you'll be able to see clearly soon which path to take.

Nobody should have to go through what we/I put our loved ones through.
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Old 04-07-2009, 01:53 PM
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It's Alanon you were looking for.. not AA.

That's all I have to say on this thread, you've been given a lot of really good honest advice, but it seems an argument. I wish you luck in making the decisions you're making.
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Old 04-07-2009, 01:58 PM
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Originally Posted by CrackQuack View Post
It may be the best thing to run, or it may be the best thing to help her. ...
imho.....to run IS to help a drunk in denial. the more attention and buffers they get, the longer it prolongs the time til someone seeks help. But they must seek it ON THEIR OWN.

what 'help', really, can another person do for a drunk in denial? i mean, she has not asked for help. right?
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Old 04-07-2009, 03:05 PM
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If you walk away from her will you always wonder what if ?
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Old 04-07-2009, 03:16 PM
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OMG - this sounds just like my (now) husband and I 2 yrs ago!!! Similar long distance relationship, similar actions on my part. Even the two bottles of wine on the countertop - my MO exactly. He married me not realizing how bad my problem was, I hid it pretty well. But he was "enabling" me for the last 2 yrs. I finally needed a kick in the pants and to get sick of my own behavior before I made this change.

It must be hard to be the other person in these relationships - I have no idea. If you really love her, you will insist that she get help in some form. By ignoring it or excusing it, you give her signals that it isn't that bad or that you don't mind. My husband ignored my problem for 2 years before finally packing up to leave me (this was just last week). That, along with other things, lead me to realize the toll that it was taking on our relationship and I am firmly committed to changing.

I am praying for you two. It won't be easy but if you love her, it's the best thing you can do for her.
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Old 04-08-2009, 04:09 AM
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After the Monday night drinking binge here is the communications:

MY EMAIL:

And you broke your promise again last night - drank like a bottle and a half......

HER RESPONSE:

Once again I am sorry. I love you so much and it breaks my heart that I am hurting you. I need to get rid of all the alcohol in my house - just can't have it here. If it's here I drink it. I don't start out thinking I'm going to drink a bottle and a half of wine but once I start I just lose track . . .
I know drinking isn't an answer. I hate myself for doing it.

MY FOLLOWUP RESPONSE:

I do agree with the thought of no alcohol in your house (and no hiding none either - promise?).
We won't be drinking any at my house either - we need to increase your will power!

HER RESPONSE:

Promise. Ok - if that's what you want.
Stop worrying about me . . .
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Old 04-08-2009, 05:49 AM
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Does she REALLY want to quit? For good?

Sounds like kinda a bandaid response. I can't remember how many years I played the "I'll cut back.." "I'll take a break".. game with my husband, that's when I started hiding it more. Just my .02

She wont quit for you..she can't.
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Old 04-08-2009, 06:10 AM
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If willpower is all it takes for an alcoholic to get sober, it would be a pefect world.

If removing all the alcohol from an alcoholic's envirornment did the trick, it would be a perfect world.

Ironically, it IS a perfect world, but not in the sense that we get to control and fix situations by applying this sort of logic.

good luck!!
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Old 04-08-2009, 06:13 AM
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Mrs

Originally Posted by deadboy1977 View Post
After the Monday night drinking binge here is the communications:

MY EMAIL:

And you broke your promise again last night - drank like a bottle and a half......

HER RESPONSE:

Once again I am sorry. I love you so much and it breaks my heart that I am hurting you. I need to get rid of all the alcohol in my house - just can't have it here. If it's here I drink it. I don't start out thinking I'm going to drink a bottle and a half of wine but once I start I just lose track . . .
I know drinking isn't an answer. I hate myself for doing it.

MY FOLLOWUP RESPONSE:

I do agree with the thought of no alcohol in your house (and no hiding none either - promise?).
We won't be drinking any at my house either - we need to increase your will power!

HER RESPONSE:

Promise. Ok - if that's what you want.
Stop worrying about me . . .
That sounds just like what i told my mother a couple of weeks ago to explain
why i was drinking again after i said i was going to quit.
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Old 04-08-2009, 01:13 PM
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I don't like the part she wrote about stop worrying about her... Like she is trying to distance herself from you or continue to be in denial about her problem. Like if no one is worrying about her or bringing up the problem, then she can continue to fool herself into thinking she doesn't have a problem.
And don't ever have addicts make a promise. We can't keep them, not in active addiction. And even while clean, I realize what promises I can keep (can I borrow two bucks, I promise to pay you back on Friday- said it to my best friend today to get some tea), and what ones I cannot keep (Mommy, promise me you'll never use again- said by my youngest son, in which I told him I cannot promise to never use again, but I can tell you I will do my 100% best not to and I promise not to use just for today!) Her promise means NOTHING.
And she cannot stay clean for you. I agree with that 100%. She has to want it for herself. I wanted to stay clean for my boyfriend SO BADLY, but I couldn't do it and I can't think I am staying clean for him, even for a second. Because the instant I do, my addiction sneaks in and tells me just enough to drive me over the edge so I can feel the guilt and remorse after the relapse.. No thank you. I have to stay clean for ME. Everyone else can enjoy the clean addict as much as they like, but I am still doing it for me. Even if I am thrilled to be making others happy at the same time..
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Old 04-08-2009, 01:29 PM
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Promise. Ok - if that's what you want.
Stop worrying about me . . .
Deadboy, I hope you proceed with the utmost of caution here! she is telling you she will ease off of the booze "for you".

That won't cut it: an alcoholic has to quit for themself. It simply won't last if they try to quit for any other reason. And, with that kind of statement, she is also roping you into a possible situation of enabling.

You are not part of the equation of her quitting! that is between her and her addiction.
I strongly suggest AlAnon. There you will learn that quitting is not about will power.
I hope you give this a lot of thought: you are considering being part of a triangle love affair. You, her and alcohol. Are you sure you are ready for that?
Because, believe me, if she is an alcoholic, she is going to love that bottle as much as she loves you, or.....more than she loves you.
The best support you could give her, if you decide to enter into this relationship, is to tell her to quit completely for herself, and that you won't have a relationship with an alcoholic. Sound harsh? Not really. The best news any alcoholic can hear is that quitting is the only option.
My names littlefish, and I'm an alcoholic.
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Old 04-09-2009, 07:16 AM
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Well she visited me last night, no alcohol consumption, she was great!
She will be solo tonight so let's seeeee, who wants to bet?

I sent her this quick note this morning and I will call and check on her tonight.

====================
You never really answered my question in my 4/6 note (question was "Well you broke your promise this past Friday night...........do you feel you have a drinking problem currently?"....can you answer it?

I hope you can see that drinking is not the answer to any problems. When I am with you and you are not plastered you are such an incredible person (like last night).

When I came and saw you Monday night it was very saddening.....I ask myself how could a person like you (sober and wonderful) do that to themself??

The same thing happened Friday.

Please do not drink tonight when you are alone.

The best support I can give you is to tell you to quit completely for yourself.

I LOVE YOU!
=============================

I wonder if she will respond and what her response will be??????????
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Old 04-09-2009, 07:29 AM
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Getting rid of the alcohol in the house is just one minor thing - more alcohol is always just a short drive away! If she really wants to change, she needs to make some changes and get some help in some form. Willpower alone won't do that. I think everyone on here would attest to that!!! We've all tried that route.

I am concerned about her response to your email, sounds like she is just trying to appease you. She will quit drinking "for you" - which means if she does succeed in "white knuckling" it for a while, she will blame you for making her quit and "suffering". Been there!

Keep us posted. I've been thinking about you the last few days. I see a lot of myself in her actions as you have described them. I have felt the pain she must be in, active alcoholism is a lonely, shameful and destructive way to live. But she needs to realize that and get on board with making the changes she needs.

I'm also concerned about you getting too caught up in this. Please make sure you have some outside support (like SR!) and keep your perspective. It's way too easy to get caught up in the drama and lose yourself. Take care!
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Old 04-09-2009, 07:53 AM
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Thanks EVERYONE for all your responses!!

I threw one in on her last night just to see her reaction....

I said "why don't you move in with me for a month?" She said she would think about it and asked why I asked her that....

I am also thinking of going to AlAnon this Saturday night but I don't know what time she plans to swing by. Should I ask her to come along as an observer so she can see what I say? Most likely I will get emotional and teary......

Last edited by deadboy1977; 04-09-2009 at 08:10 AM.
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Old 04-09-2009, 09:04 AM
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Today she got home at 10am and said she was tired and layed down and slept when I finally got her on the phone at NOON. She is so lucky she has so much flexibility in her job. She asked if I was worrying about her (probably because she saw the several caller IDs on her phones) and I said YES and that I wanted to make sure she was OK. She came back and said dont worry about me, I've managed OK on my own for the past 35 years.....
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Old 04-09-2009, 09:08 AM
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no, i wouldn't invite her to to with you to alanon. those meetings are for you, to help you in your recovery. she needs to find her own way to aa or whatever support she chooses when she's ready to stop. that's my 2 cents.

it sounds to me that you're trying to control/police her drinking. i did that with my daughter, and it did not work..only built resentments on both sides.

you didn't cause the alcoholism
you can't cure it
you can't control it
you do have choices as far as how you allow it to affect your life though.

keep posting! hugs, k
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Old 04-09-2009, 09:35 AM
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Originally Posted by deadboy1977 View Post
Thanks EVERYONE for all your responses!!

I threw one in on her last night just to see her reaction....

I said "why don't you move in with me for a month?" She said she would think about it and asked why I asked her that....

I am also thinking of going to AlAnon this Saturday night but I don't know what time she plans to swing by. Should I ask her to come along as an observer so she can see what I say? Most likely I will get emotional and teary......
Here was her response:

Yes but not sure it's feasible right now. I definitely want to spend as much time as possible with you but I don't think coming to live with you for a month will work given my job, my volunteer work, etc. Are you not happy with the way things are - we take turns visiting on the weekends and try to see each other as much as possible in between?
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