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Class of November 2016 Support Thread Part 11

Old 07-31-2017, 11:10 AM
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Plenty,

I have been where you are more times than I want to remember or recount. One think that helped me was to remember that a winner is a looser who never stopped trying. I refused to just go under and stay there. No matter how many times I faultered, I got back up and went at it again.

My health was greatly affected, and still I drank again

I had to hang on, each time, that sobriety is just as possible for me as it is for anyone else! I hope you will just get back up and remember what worked and what didn't work. Then put every thing you can between you and a drink every day. Some of the things I have to do are not particularly my thing .... but I see that it can help stand between me and the bottle. Most aspects of what I have to do have been pure joy, and some of the things have been very difficult.

Checking in with a doctor is always a good idea. If you are sick enough you can't eat... go buy some ensure, or other liquid protein/vitamin type supplement. It will help you build strength while your tummy and body settle into sobriety.

I'll be thinking of you today. You did the hardest thing anyone of us ever does ... Day 1!
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Old 07-31-2017, 11:20 AM
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Oh Plenny, my heart goes out to you. Just last week I also drank. I was super stressed and angry at everyone so I punished them by punishing myself. I didn't slowly fall back into drinking either, there was no moderation, straight back to early November last year. It was as if the last 8.5 months didn't happen. For 2 days.
I must have learned something while sober because I got back on said horse, started taking antabuse again, took time off work to cocoon myself with my dogs, forced myself to do nice things for me and my dogs (going to the park, sitting in the sun and reading). I watched a bucket load of Tele and ate chocolate.
I'm terrified at how easy and quickly I fell. I also wonder if this is going to be an ongoing 'thing'. Hope not.
Try to be kind to yourself, this battle can be bloody horrendous at times. But it's worth fighting I think.
One day turns into one week, then one month, then one year. We can do this hun xx
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Old 07-31-2017, 11:49 AM
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I don't enjoy those days either Kenton, it amazes me that some days I am totally fine with everything, going about my business all good and well...next day is totally different emotionally. Nothing really different about the day other than my outlook on it. How my emotions can swing from one extreme to another in the course of 24 hours, sometimes even less baffles me. Why? Is it hormones I wonder?
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Old 07-31-2017, 03:26 PM
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I'm glad you made it back here Plenny.
Sadly, a lot don't.

For me the turning point was talking drinking off the table as an option.

No matter what was going on, no matter how I felt, I made the commitment to not try and solve things by drinking.

It wasn't much fun, but then neither was drinking - and I learned that a lot of things I feared might decimate me sober, didn't.

D
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Old 07-31-2017, 05:59 PM
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Thanks y'all so much, and Poppy, I really feel you. I am eating plenty and hydrating. Doing good things.
Dee, I guess I never really realized that I never fully 'took drinking off the table.' Even though quitting has always been the goal. Something deep down is holding fast I think to the idea that this is all fine and just shake off that hangover and just don't over do it, silly. But that is my AV I know.
I am going to keep going as always. Having a drink is the furthest thing from my mind right now but I have surprised myself too many times.
I don't know why but I don't seem to have truly faced this.
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Old 08-01-2017, 12:34 AM
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It sounds like you're facing it now Plenny. One thing I'm trying to train my brain to think everytime I think a drink would be nice and I'm sure I can handle it, is

"Never doubt the decision"

Deciding to stop drinking is one of the biggest decisions I'll ever make. And I made it after countless relapses and blackouts and severed friendships. It took a lot of heartache, confusion and pain to finally make the decision. Now I just need to remember I made that decision for a million right reasons and whatever my AV tells me, I never doubt that decision.

I hope you start feeling better today. I hope everyone is ok. Sending love to you all xxxx
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Old 08-01-2017, 05:30 PM
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Greetings all, I hope everyone is doing ok.
I am totally wishing the next few days to be over with (wedding is Saturday and as maid of honour I am anxious).
Oh and I just want summer to roll around already, sick of this chill. It's interfering with my walking/jogging.
Anyhoo, have a wonderful day peeps xx
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Old 08-01-2017, 07:03 PM
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Are you worried you'll drink again Poppy or just generally anxious?

D
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Old 08-01-2017, 08:13 PM
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Day 2 over here again. Feeling a bit cranky and creaky but still had a very productive day. About to read myself to sleep in a few minutes. Poppy, I'm going to a wedding in just over a month and I'm nervous too.

I am drinking a lot of soda water and eating well.

Hope everyone's doing ok
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Old 08-01-2017, 09:34 PM
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Yay, my computer is fixed with the only downside being that I don't eat for a week.

Have caught up with all, and can relate to all. The anger, the fear, the want for 'safety', and then we go take it out on ourselves, and that's the bit I'm working on, the not punishing of myself for things long past, many not within my control.

The drinking was in my control but I just didn't know how to really do it. Now, like Dee it is completely off the table as know now, to coin a phrase, there is nothing so bad that a drink won't make worse.

It has taken me a long time to learn this lesson with many lapses, relapses, glitches, blips along the way. I have never woken in the morning following a lapse thinking, "jeez, that was so good." Never, ever, ever.

Take a tip early ones, it don't work, so save yourself the time and get into real life where the wine is turned to sparking water straight from the Fountain of Youth. I'm already looking 10 minutes younger.

You are sounding heaps better Poppy and we are sober be it Day 1 or Day 101. Like you I found with each and every lapse/relapse (not recommended) that alcohol will never work for me, and my entire focus now being on strengthening my sobriety. I want life and I want it bad.

So good to see you Plenny. You are one determined girl and have never given up. Im still broke, how 'bout you? What a drag it is having no money, really restrictive. Looks like no live theatre for me this year. Oh, well, rock on. Hope you are still painting.

Before this post gets too long and I lose it will close with my love to kenton and kev, whose posts I have read and will respond soon. Love you both and loved the stories of botched highlights. Before it became fashionable a hairdresser turned my hair irridiscent blazing red, it was so horrible I couldn't leave the house.

Good to see you too Jillwink and congratulations on holding the line which ultimately as I've come to see, is not so much of an effort in itself (drinking) it is the dealing with my emotional and psychological states. Drinking will always exclude this journey for me, and I won't let it.

Haven't heard any further on your surgery Nands and hope all is OK. Couldn't agree more on mental state being behind a lot of physical stuff as well. Naturally not always the case but certainly true from my experience.

Well I'm back on deck Nobenders and we're all still here which makes me feel so happy irrespective of the hurdles we have faced and which lay before us. We are strong.

Your mate, Steely xxx.

Oh yeah, still sober.
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Old 08-02-2017, 01:32 AM
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Hi everyone and welcome back Steely!! I got ridiculously happy when I saw your name. Missed you so much.

I understand the wedding anxiety. I've got to go to a wedding in September on a day that also happens to be the anniversary of my dad's death. I already feel churned up about the anniversary and also about the fact that the girl getting married never once contacted me after dad died. She knew my dad well and I thought she may have come to his funeral but she didn't even send a card when he died. This upset me a bit at the time but obviously I got over it and forgot about it.

Now it's her wedding coming up. It's miles away in the middle of nowhere. No kids are invited so I need to get childcare for the whole weekend. She's a massive drinker, as is all her family and friends. I got really anxious this week because I tried to book a B & B near to the venue so I can escape if the drinking gets too much. But the venue really is in the middle of nowhere and the nearest place we can stay is quite a drive away.

Right now I'm very worried about it all. I'm worried I'm going to be emotional because it's the anniversary of dad's death. Then I'm worried I'm going to feel anger that she didn't contact me or reply when I left a message informing her of dad's death. Then I'm worried I'm going to be surrounded by heavy drinkers and booze on a day I'm feeling emotional and angry with no immediate means of escape.

It's exactly a month away so I've got time to think about it and plan the best way to survive the day sober. Just re read this and if I was responding to myself, I'd probably advise myself not to go to the wedding. But everyone understands social convention. This girl was my best friend all through university and we lived together when we first started working in London. I should be at her wedding.

9 months sober for me today and I'm off to celebrate with a day out in London with the kids. I hope everyone is doing ok. So happy to be part of this group. Love to everyone xxx
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Old 08-02-2017, 06:57 AM
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Hi Steely, great to see you! Yep still broke! I thnk part of my relapse was feeling like I'll never get anywhere, get out of debt, I'll never get to that point where I can get healthcare again. And when I stop caring and feel destitute, well, there's my relapse. Just keep getting back on the horse. Year in year out.

Kenton, I don't know if I should stir the pot, but I don't think you have to go to that wedding at all! I think you could arrange some kind of conflict and go and take care of yourself on a very tough day, and by having your own back you might feel much better. Maybe you can even find a partner in social crime and go somewhere together! Just an idea. This sounds like a disaster and very uncomfortable.
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Old 08-02-2017, 11:25 AM
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Speaking from experience here, please leave the wedding the moment you feel any anger or resentment. I don't solely blame the hens night for my blip but it sure did contribute and it was actually the anxiety and stress in the lead up to it that also contributed. Sprinkle in some other stuff and I lost it... I tried to avoid it. Took dog for walk. But I didn't try hard enough obviously.
You will I hope
Can't write much, but I will check back in a wee bit later.
Ohh Steely, welcome back and glad you're back xx
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Old 08-02-2017, 03:16 PM
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Hi Kenton! Congrats on 9 months, that's amazing!!

I gave up doing things just because I felt like I should do them. They are never worth the time and effort. Especially not worth risking my sobriety. I do things because I want to do them or I need to do them but no longer because I should.

Especially not in my private life. It's MY life, not the life of someone else who has my name, looks like me but doesn't act like me. (That used to be me all my life. I rarely did what I truly wanted or needed. I always went with what I thought I should be doing and then wondered why it never made me happy, when I should be happy)

So I decided it's time to create a life for myself that I like, not one that I should like.
This also includes that there's many things I can not do. Like I should be able to go to a close friends birthday party. But if I don't feel 100% stable that day, I can't. And there's nothing I can do about it. They have to accept it and I have to accept it.
Maybe I should be able to allow my guests at tomorrow's dinner party to bring they own wine, but I can't. It would stress me, make me uncomfortable and feel uneasy. So I won't allow it. Even though I probably 'should'.

Erasing all the shoulds from my life is a form of self care.

Sorry for going on so much about it. I second Poppy and I think it would be totally okay (and maybe best for you) to not go to that wedding. You don't owe her anything. Especially not your sobriety!

Steely it's good to see you back!

Plenny, I'm glad you came back to SR and especially glad you came back to our class! I can't really say much or give advise and it sounds like you know what to do.

I feel a bit weird lately. Bit emotional. I often am on the verge of crying in meetings. Mostly cause I feel so lucky and grateful. And then at times I feel really down or get so angry. It's a rollercoaster. But generally I feel how I'm stabilising and really getting to know myself and finding out what I need to do in order to take good care of myself. I'm going to meetings almost daily at this time because I notice how I feel generally much worse the day after I have not attended a meeting the night before. It goes downhill pretty quickly. I start listen to my brain too much and try to control life which always ends up in an emotional mess and resentments against others, myself or life in general.

Also I started going to other AA groups because I didn't feel so comfortable around the guy who kept being flirty with me. Now I'm mostly going to the English speaking ones. And unfortunately there's a guy who gives me a slightly nervous feeling. I think I really like him. Which I could totally punch myself in the face for. But I get exited when he touches me or talks to me. And because my crazy brain tells me that that's a good reason to talk more to him and because I found out that life is generally better when I don't listen to my own insanity, I try to avoid him now. He's in a relationship too so that's good for me to know. Also I am still fully committed to my own relationship and very much in love with my BF. It's just that I don't see him often right now, only once a week, cause he needs time for himself. So I see that AA guy more often. But he's not at all my type, physically, so I guess I just really like him as a person but because I feel a bit lonely and miss my BF there are some feelings projected on this guy which confuse me.


Sorry for the lengthy post but I needed to get that off my chest and for obvious reasons I didn't wanna do that by sharing at a meeting.

Much love to all of you my lovely and strong classmates!
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Old 08-02-2017, 10:05 PM
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Hey y'all, I'm getting better at catching up. But I'm getting ready to crash.

I am preparing for a big project tomorrow, so I have to just stay in the moment and let myself rest. Just a little reading then straight to sleep.

I will check in tomorrow!

Hope you are all doing well
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Old 08-03-2017, 12:34 AM
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Hi everyone,

Good luck with the big project Plenny, hope it all goes well.

Hope you're feeling ok Poppy, thanks for the advice re the wedding. I think you're all right. Seems so ridiculous to risk my sobriety for one day. I hope you're feeling ok about the wedding you have to go to this weekend Poppy.

Kev, you're so right. I do use the word "should" far too much. I think my friend who is getting married SHOULD have contacted me after dad's death but who am I to decide how people should behave? Also I think I SHOULD go to her wedding but in the big scheme of things, my sobriety has to come first. I think I've lived my life doing what I think I SHOULD do and look how that turned out!!

Watching Sponge bob Square Pants with my youngest son as I type this. Has anyone ever seen it? It's completely crazy but quite funny!! Nands, Steely, hope you two are doing ok. Hope your health is ok Nands xx

Kev, like you I'm so glad we can vent our feelings here. We are on a roller coaster but coming here is like having a little rest before the ride starts again. Hope everyone has a great day xxxx
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Old 08-03-2017, 02:50 AM
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Plenny, I hope everything goes well with your big project!

Kenton, I'm a huge spongebob fan! I find him really hilarious. I made my BF watch spongebob with me on our first date. And also made him watch the movie and surprisingly he liked it.

I'm so nervous this morning. Partly cause my BF told me that he couldn't get to sleep for ages last night cause his brain wouldn't shut up and paranoid like I am, I worried that he somehow found this thread and read my post about the other guy. But he reassured me that it wasn't related to us and I try to let go of that worry.
The other reason I'm nervous is that I am about to meet up with a woman who would like to be my sponsor and I don't know what to expect and feel a bit pressured to commit to anything so I feel stressed.

Also I will be hosting a dinner party tonight with my roomie and I am worried that there might be wine on the table even though I said no.

Well let's see how everything goes. Speak to you later, lots of love!
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Old 08-03-2017, 03:51 AM
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Congratulations on 9 months Kenton

Welcome back Steely!

I hope your day goes well Kev - ass for AA guy I recommend keeping it simple on the romance front wherever possible...

Good luck with the project Plenny

Hope you've stopped beating yourself up Poppy - we've all made mistakes - but we can learn from them and move on too

Nands?

D
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Old 08-03-2017, 01:31 PM
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Congratulations on 9 months kenton. And I have just inadvertently posted these 5 important words and will be timed out out if I just use edit. I was going to say hope it's a girl . A beautiful sober girl.

Only kidding you know me, it's a monumental milestone but will post now and get out of edit.
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Old 08-03-2017, 01:40 PM
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Kev - you sound sooooo good! I related to what you and others were talking about the "should" thing. It sometimes feels selfish to build my own life, but if I'm not happy, I seem to make everyone else unhappy; and when I am happy, it seems that others end up happier too!

I'm really not sure why I didn't post for so long. I'm working quite a bit on my self, and also on trying to see how or if I will fit into AA.

The surgery isn't until August 23rd so don't worry! I had gone to the doctor on Monday and don't remember if I told you about that. It went fine. They want me to see a lung doctor, get another kind of heart test, and they will pull together a plan about a month after the surgery (as best I can understand the plan... not real certain I've got it right).

Poppy ... I'm so glad you are still here and talking and glad to see you as well Plenty. Sorry if I missed someone, I wanted to be sure and post when I sensed some might be worried.

Kenton - go or don't go ... totally your decision and you best know if you can or cannot do this ... or even want to do this.

Just don't drink, or as the old guys use to say ... keep the plug in the jug (ages ago ... I've never had a jug with a plug LOL)

I'll keep up with you all now cause you are friends and I care... I think I just got in a weird spot ... maybe recovering from some mild depression? Not sure, but it is fading now and the main thing is to not drink just cause circumstances are not at their best.

Love you all
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