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Codependency and Beyond - Part 27

Old 10-14-2013, 01:05 PM
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Ann
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Codependency and Beyond - Part 27

This thread continues from part 26...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-26-a-20.html
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Old 10-14-2013, 01:18 PM
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Thanks for the new thread, Ann

Rita - I thought, a LOT, about you explaining how your daughters and Miss Sunshine will want their dad, on some level, even when they've been let down time and time again, how it's human nature.

I went to bratkin's Fri., took BB (baby bratkin's) new car seat I got her for her 1st b'day (in a couple of weeks). It was a rare time with just me, bratkin and BB, and it was wonderful.

Bratkin and I talked about her bio-dad, who is back in jail on parole violation with MORE charges and his dad/sm finally stopped putting money on his books (after 30 years, on and off).

It's amazing, after all those years where we yelled and screamed at each other, we have an amazing bond. I told her about the time her mom came home with her (her mom died when bratkin was 13 mos. old, so she was young), ticked off as sperm donor was a jerk, and mad at herself for taking BB. I told her that not long after she could talk, she was putting Barbie (and me) "in jail", then bonding us out.

I told her I don't WANT BB knowing about all that stuff at such a young age, and she agrees. It was just a really good day.

On the other hand, I think sm is thinking of bratkin and BB as HERS and gets all riled up if she's not with them at all times. Not good. Mr. and Mrs. Bratkin took baby to her first fair, the night I was there but had left. Sm had a MAJOR attitude as she didn't get to go.

Interestingly enough, I got to see bratkin's expression when sm called her TWICE while I was there, just to talk. Dad called me, went on and on about something and I cut him short - nicely said "I didn't come down here to see my girls and stay on the phone the whole time, I love you but we can talk about this later" and bratkin just laughed...then said almost the same thing to her mom.

Bottom line is same as always - keep my side of the street clean, stay out of stuff that is none of my business and put one foot in front of the other. Oh, and since I'm also an RA - don't use

Thanks to all of you for getting me to this point! I still slip and slide, but I know it's my choice to stay in codie-land or get out.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 10-15-2013, 05:59 PM
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Hi all, I've never posted in this thread but would like to hang out here a bit if that's okay. I've read Melody Beattie's Codependency No More about 500 times, and yet, every time I get a few pages into Beyond Copendency I realize that I'm not beyond anything and so I go back to the first book.

I mostly post in the August thread--today is day 58 of no drinking. I'd like to start working on some of my other issues as I move into sobriety. I don't think I've every really 'worked' on not being co-dependent..more like I read a book and think I'm healed, then something happens and I go back to the book and realize that I do the same things over and over. I don't always recognize that I'm doing them either

Anyhoo, hope to read and learn from you guys.
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Old 10-15-2013, 06:27 PM
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kadidee - Welcome to the thread!! It gets a bit slow, at times, but I've learned a lot from people here.

Congrats on 58 days!! I'm a "double winner", too - recovering addict and recovering codie.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 10-17-2013, 10:44 AM
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Welcome Kadidee ~ glad to have you join us ~

Amy - such a wonderful job at allow B to grow up ~ how wonderful that she is learning to use detachment skills and become her own person. Seems that motherhood suits her well.

Just had parent/teacher conferences with Sunshine's teachers - neither of them knew her complete history about her mom, dad and living with us ~ for those new to the thread - Sunshine is our 9 yr old granddaughter - lives with us - her mom passed away when she was 4, her dad (my step-son) is an active addict/alcoholic who allowed us to have her at age 6.
She is doing very well - made Honor Roll ~ 4th grade is a very tough year but she is doing well. YEAH - because 4th grade homework is kick our booty! lol

So grateful she is doing well!
her Dad is not - lost another job, needs to see an eye dr & according to Mr. PINK's ex wife - he is using someone's contacts and is in bad shape.
Mr. PINK & I agree we would offer to pay for the eye dr & a pair of glasses for him.
I texted him the message - he replied with "K"
Mr. PINK did a little obessessing about it ~ wanted me to call him again ~ make an appt etc. . .
I said "We can't make him GO to the dr, just like we can't make him do anything. The offer is there - he knows it, if he wants to go, he will let us know."
Mr. PINK said "You're right, I just have to let it go."

So that was the first part of the week - no response from him ~

I know it hurts Mr. PINK's heart to know his son needs medical help but won't go ~
and probably won't go because he is deep into drinking & using. . .

This disease is awful & I hate it!

Glad our Sunshine isn't living in it tho ~

pink hugs
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Old 10-21-2013, 12:51 PM
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soooooooo ~ It was another long weekend
Mr. PINK & Sunshine saw her Dad thursday afternoon in our little town ~ she spent a few hrs with him & he promised to come to our house & spend the nite with her over the weekend ~

I did everything I could to keep her little mind busy - but all she was doing was watching & waiting - asking when did I think he was coming. . . Saturday nite she said "ReeRee do you think he forgot about me?"

ugh - how do answer that - well I lied - I said "How could he forget about that beautiful face? I'm sure he is probably working late or cleaning out his apartment" (he lost his job & had to move out of his apartment.)

He did finally show up Sunday - spent most of the day with her - she was a little sad when he left ~ but handled it better than some days ~

We did lots of halloween crafts & cooking over the weekend - visited the pumpkin patch & practiced her pitching lessons ~ but no matter what it doesn't make up for the way the disease breaks a 9 yr olds heart.

pink hugs
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Old 10-21-2013, 02:46 PM
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Rita - So sorry for what Little Miss Sunshine was feeling, but bratkin and I have talked about HER similar feelings toward her dad quite a bit.

Her bio-dad is back in jail, facing more time in prison (parole violation + 4 new charges)...6 months after parole.

He uses the same DOC I did. She and I had a long talk, the other day. I told her memories of her mama taking her (as a baby, about baby-bratkin's age or younger) to jail to see him, her mama coming back mad as he was a "jackazz", not wanting to go back, but would.

I told her I don't want to see another generation going to jail/prison. I didn't want BB (baby bratkin) knowing about jail and bond all all that stuff by the age of 3. However, YOU (I just told her "my friend from my recovery board) told me about the need to have some kind of connection with that bio dad and I would be supportive as she works through it.

It went well, she agrees with me and, for now, she's way more focused on what is best for her daughter than what is best for him.

Got to admit - if it weren't for all I've learned in codie recovery, she and I would NOT have the relationship we do. It took me stepping back, biting my tongue nearly in two, and saying the serenity prayer over and over and over to not react to her outrages. It took me learning MY contribution to the problem.

I'm up against a generations-long history of a-ism (alcohol/addict) and codependency in her family (and now in mine). I don't believe I can fix it, but if I can offer an optional (and better way, IMO) out? I'll do it

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 10-22-2013, 06:29 AM
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Amy - I'm so glad you & B have a better relationship today ~ that is a true blessing & result of you working your program!

pink hugs!
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Old 10-22-2013, 09:45 AM
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Rita, my heart aches for Sunshine, but I am so very grateful that she has you and Mr. Pink to provide a safe, loving home. You just can't put a value on that kind of a gift.

Amy, I am also so glad to hear that you and B have a healthier, closer relationship today. I totally agree; your commitment to your program has made it possible, and it will benefit her greatly.

One of the things that still brings me a lot of sadness (and probably will for a long time) is the way my AH has never even tried to form a relationship with my daughters, and has marginalized them so much. They are such wonderful girls, and EVERY kid deserves better from a stepparent. But it is what it is, and all I can do is continue working on rebuilding our own homelife, showing them that we can continue to enjoy ourselves, be close, and refuse to let my AH be the most important person in the family all of the time.
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Old 10-24-2013, 08:26 PM
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I've been working on becoming more aware of my codependent thoughts/reactions/subsequent actions to 'fix' things in real time so that I can stop doing the same sorts of behavior over and over. A situation has cropped up this week at work and I can see so clearly (now that I'm not drinking) how my distorted thinking causes anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt about how to handle conflict. I don't even have a decent gauge on what is 'big' or 'small' conflict, urgh.

My boundaries are all messed up and I want to learn how to get them healthy (I was going to say 'again' here, but I'm accepting now that I've always had issues with boundaries...either too few or complete shut down mode).

I read the sticky on ACOA and checked 'yes' for every item on the list, so I suppose that's helpful to know. I'm almost 41, divorced (left abusive marriage several years ago), and have a lot of catching up to do in regards to emotional growth and maturity. Progressive drinking didn't help matters much, but today is 67 days sober, and I have hope that if I remain sober, I'll learn how 'normal' people think and interact and behave when conflict arises.

I'm still a bit rattled by this situation at work. I talked to some friends about it and think I did okay in the moment. Now I just need to let it go and see what happens. That's the hard part. I'd share in more detail, but it seems so inconsequential when I read what you guys are dealing with. But I guess that's where I am right now--even inconsequential conflict or disagreement leave me at a loss on how to respond or feel.

I remember years ago after a bad break up, I talked to my aunt at length about 'what' had happened, and then said, "I don't know how I should feel." She responded, "you can't try to figure out how to feel, you just feel what you're feeling." I think sometimes I'm afraid to feel. Or, what I'm feeling is too painful so I try to change the situation so that I can 'feel' differently. I'm just realizing how crazy that sounds as I type it out, ha!

Thanks for listening
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Old 10-24-2013, 08:36 PM
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kadi- I've had a long day, am about to go to bed but I will check back on this thread tomorrow. I can just say it took me a LOOOOONG time to even grasp what codependency was about. Then it was becoming aware when things weren't "right" and then it was boundaries.

I'm not saying it hasn't been worth it - it totally has, I'm just saying we advance in our own time. Some days, I'm tickled pink when I realize my gut is saying "alarm!! alarm!!".

Keep reading and posting. FWIW, I didn't know what or how I felt for a while. It takes time, but it's darned sure worth it

I will say, however, years into recovery, my cat Mots is telling me "YOU need to go to bed so I can sleep on the chair cushion" and I'm thinking he's right. Is it that he's really right or is it that I'm codie to my cat? The doubts still show up, but honestly, it's almost midnight and I'm thinking that cat is smarter than me.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 10-28-2013, 10:21 AM
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((kadi))

This weekend our Sunshine spent the nite with her Aunts on her mom's side of the family (if you didn't know, her mom passed away almost 5 yrs ago when she was 4) so when she comes home to us - she is always a little sad. Yesterday afternoon, with tears in her eyes she said to me "I'm sorry for being sad"

I told her - you don't have to apologize for how you feel. It's ok to be sad if you feel sad.
In Fact PawPaw & I are very proud of you ~ you may be sad, but you have not allowed that sadness to ruin your day nor have you treated us unfairly. You journaled about it, you still did your homework & housework, you still smiled and enjoyed your afternoon, even tho your heart was a little heavy.
That's signs of a very brave young lady - I'm very very proud of you.

She cried a little more and hugged me ~ how awesome that by learning all that I am getting to learn in my recovery - that I can share it with her & at the tender age of 9 she can start to develop the skills to handle emotions.

So, Kadi ~ feel the emotions you need to feel ~ process and let them flow thru you without controlling you ~ you are worthy of that healing also

pink hugs to all
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Old 10-28-2013, 12:31 PM
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Wow! Haven't been on this thread in, well, a long time....

Kadi, like ((Amy)) so wisely said, boundaries - it takes practice. And...you wil get pushback about it from folks at first, but it is soooo worthwhile

I love how you are showing your family that there is a better way, Amy

MissPINK, my hero, but you know that already, right? So grateful your little sunshine has you and MrPINK in her life.

Hugs all....!
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Old 10-28-2013, 01:09 PM
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Rita - Though bratkin is way older than your Sunshine, I think the recovery work you and I have done is helping both of them.

Bratkin told me, a while ago (before her bio-dad got locked up, again) that she was hurt/mad because he was SO great for his gf's kids, but was never there for HER when she was little. I told her she had every right to her feelings and I was glad that she was admitting them and talking about them. We have THE best conversations on the spur of the moment, but as much as she loves her "mama" (my stepmom/her grandmother) she knows I have boundaries and I'm not the codie I used to be.

However...sigh, I had to blow off my mouth to dad today. Situation with one of my stepsisters, dad is "helping her out" and I'm seeing red flags all over the place. I finally told him "you can help and help and help, but you cannot FIX her or anyone else. You are going to end up with the van repair or something majorly expensive come up and you're not going to have the money because you've been "helping". Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is let them deal with consequences, and I'm grateful you did that for me".

Now, I know - I am still living with him, but I do give him money and I'm the one he depends on. I realized my codie-ness (trying to save another codie) and said "it's your money, you do what you want, but at some point you really do need to take care of YOU. Love you".

I probably should invest in duct tape for my mouth as I just can't seem to shut the heck up, sometimes

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 10-28-2013, 01:52 PM
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Amy - I think you were ok in sharing your thoughts with your Dad - as long as you do it in a non-threatenting or controlling way ~ We can share what has helped us, what we see from the outside ~ without being disrespectful or demeaning.

Doesn't mean he will change, doesn't mean he will choose differently but you have given him the opportunity to look at his options. . .

Of course, we all know if we continue to tell them over & over & over & over again - it ceases to be sharing - it becomes nagging . . . so we have to be careful of that - lol (hello voice of experience here!! ha ha ha)

Thanks Seren ~ I appreciate the support - I just know HOW much I screwed up with my daughters - I want so much to do a better job with my granddaughters ~ my God is so gracious to keep giving me second, third & fourth chances - I want to make the most of every opportunity.

PINK HUGS!
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Old 10-30-2013, 10:42 AM
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I totally agree with Rita on your talk with your dad, Amy. I used to tell my mom (God rest her soul) that she had every right to voice her opinion to me about something in my life once. ONCE. But any more than that, and it became disrespectful of me and my right to make my own choices.

I'm so inspired by everyone here, and how plugged-in they are to their recoveries. You all really do make my own recovery program better!
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Old 11-01-2013, 02:51 AM
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My recovering alcoholic step mom has died. Funny, I woke up about 20 mins before she took her last breath, and was awake when her oldest son called. He's been by her side the entire time and I made sure to tell him he did her proud. I knew she'd want me to tell him that.

My step mom was my last honest witness to my life, before marriage. She knew all the things my own mom denies or lies about. She helped me complete the puzzle that was my old life, giving me answers and insights that no one else would admit to. A small part of me went with her, and a small part of her remains with me.

She was the last link to my Dad, I was hers and that was our special bond.

I dread telling my sister, who has to be informed. There are inheritance issues and my Dad's estate in still in probate. My sister hates her, probably because my mom wants that. I think I'll post something on facebook and let my sister take it from there.

I love you Rose. You were and will always be a bright beautiful light in my life.
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Old 11-01-2013, 04:25 PM
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Chino - I'm so very sorry That is like a blow on so many different levels. I agree with the FB thing - I'm doing that with some things in my own family.

Mr. D's horse kicked me yesterday It was just an accident, my wrist isn't broken but it's swollen and painful a bit. Have been walking around, holding my arm up all day but the swelling still went to my hand and it looks like the dough-boy.

I'm still not smoking, but have put on weight and I think I am finally ready to do something. Got anti-d adjusted by dr., something non-addictive for sleep and I'm hoping that will get me out of the no-motivation mode I've been in.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 11-02-2013, 11:38 AM
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Chino, I'm so sorry to hear about your step-mom. It sounds like she was a very special, insightful, caring woman. Peace to you.
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Old 11-04-2013, 10:38 AM
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Chino, I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your stepmom. Huge ((hugs)) for you. May you find comfort in happy memories.

Amy, good luck with the med adjustments! I know how delicate that can be.
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