Codependency and Beyond - Part 27
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Whew...I'm reposting something here that I shared in FFA tonight, because y'all always give me wonderful perspective.
It's been a long, difficult night. I snapped. Finally pushed over the edge (or allowed myself to finally jump off the edge...I'm not sure).
And I'll be darned. It wasn't a horrible instance of emotional abuse that did it. It wasn't his continued and hurtful total ambivalence to my presence that did it. It wasn't one of those looks of disgust he shoots at me, designed to make me feel ugly and undesirable.
It was dog food.
Yes people, dog food pushed me over the edge. My AH was being utterly irrational and ridiculous, trying to convince me that it costs the same to feed his dog (who weighs 90 pounds and eats 4 cups of food a day) as it costs to feed my dog (who weighs 8 pounds and eats about 1/2 cup of food a day). He was being crazy about it, and then did that quackery crap where he acts like I'm the crazy/stupid one while he is being totally normal and reasonable. I could literally feel myself running toward that edge, and finally I just looked at him and said "I'm done. I can't do this anymore." And there was no argument about it...no expression of sadness or grief at all on his part.
Oh, it got ugly, mostly because he continues to be convinced that I am going to try to take our son away from him, or turn our son against him. He is totally ambivalent about losing me. All he cared about was seeing our son (totally understandable), and whether I was going to go after his retirement money and/or dispose of his belongings before he can get them moved. He started asking me where I was going to move to, what my plan was (because CLEARLY I have been plotting every detail of my escape on December 2 for MONTHS *snort*), and when I kept saying "I don't know," he made a snotty and slightly threatening comment about how maybe we should talk to the pastor. Not so the pastor can miraculously save our marriage. So the pastor will somehow "make" me answer his questions. And, of course, because he truly does believe all of this is my fault, and he wants the pastor to take his side, blame everything on me, and damn me to eternal hell. I also think it was a threat similar to when he has threatened to call the police on me. Thinking I don't want people to know what's going on, so I would immediately bend to my AH's will the moment he threatened to expose me to the pastor as the heartless witch that I am.
I think I shocked him a little when I immediately whipped out my phone and called the pastor. We're seeing the pastor in the morning. I was too upset and crying to really talk to him, but my AH was all calm and cool as a cucumber telling the pastor "I am in town for a week after being hundreds of miles away for work, and my wife wants to leave me." Bring it on. I don't believe that either of us thinks that this trip to the pastor is an attempt to save our marriage. For him, it will be an attempt to get the pastor on "his" side and make me look as bad as possible. For me, it will be about laying some groundwork that will hopefully minimize my AH's bad behavior over the next couple of days before he leaves for work again. Historically he gets more volatile and upset the closer his departure day is. And that's under "normal" circumstances.
So say some prayers, send good juju, and cross your fingers and toes. It's going to be a bumpy ride over here this week. It's the beginning of the end over here, and I know this is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship (even a relationship that is "only" emotionally abusive). He's cycling pretty quickly between wanting to be "cordial" for our son's sake, and walking around muttering the usual passive-aggressive quacks about what a horrible person I am, how I lied to him, how I have ruined everybodies' lives, etc. I was an absolute wreck for several hours. I went to bed on time, and slept for about an hour before I woke up with that anxiety. So I came here to remind myself of my path, and why I am walking my particular path.
It's been a long, difficult night. I snapped. Finally pushed over the edge (or allowed myself to finally jump off the edge...I'm not sure).
And I'll be darned. It wasn't a horrible instance of emotional abuse that did it. It wasn't his continued and hurtful total ambivalence to my presence that did it. It wasn't one of those looks of disgust he shoots at me, designed to make me feel ugly and undesirable.
It was dog food.
Yes people, dog food pushed me over the edge. My AH was being utterly irrational and ridiculous, trying to convince me that it costs the same to feed his dog (who weighs 90 pounds and eats 4 cups of food a day) as it costs to feed my dog (who weighs 8 pounds and eats about 1/2 cup of food a day). He was being crazy about it, and then did that quackery crap where he acts like I'm the crazy/stupid one while he is being totally normal and reasonable. I could literally feel myself running toward that edge, and finally I just looked at him and said "I'm done. I can't do this anymore." And there was no argument about it...no expression of sadness or grief at all on his part.
Oh, it got ugly, mostly because he continues to be convinced that I am going to try to take our son away from him, or turn our son against him. He is totally ambivalent about losing me. All he cared about was seeing our son (totally understandable), and whether I was going to go after his retirement money and/or dispose of his belongings before he can get them moved. He started asking me where I was going to move to, what my plan was (because CLEARLY I have been plotting every detail of my escape on December 2 for MONTHS *snort*), and when I kept saying "I don't know," he made a snotty and slightly threatening comment about how maybe we should talk to the pastor. Not so the pastor can miraculously save our marriage. So the pastor will somehow "make" me answer his questions. And, of course, because he truly does believe all of this is my fault, and he wants the pastor to take his side, blame everything on me, and damn me to eternal hell. I also think it was a threat similar to when he has threatened to call the police on me. Thinking I don't want people to know what's going on, so I would immediately bend to my AH's will the moment he threatened to expose me to the pastor as the heartless witch that I am.
I think I shocked him a little when I immediately whipped out my phone and called the pastor. We're seeing the pastor in the morning. I was too upset and crying to really talk to him, but my AH was all calm and cool as a cucumber telling the pastor "I am in town for a week after being hundreds of miles away for work, and my wife wants to leave me." Bring it on. I don't believe that either of us thinks that this trip to the pastor is an attempt to save our marriage. For him, it will be an attempt to get the pastor on "his" side and make me look as bad as possible. For me, it will be about laying some groundwork that will hopefully minimize my AH's bad behavior over the next couple of days before he leaves for work again. Historically he gets more volatile and upset the closer his departure day is. And that's under "normal" circumstances.
So say some prayers, send good juju, and cross your fingers and toes. It's going to be a bumpy ride over here this week. It's the beginning of the end over here, and I know this is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship (even a relationship that is "only" emotionally abusive). He's cycling pretty quickly between wanting to be "cordial" for our son's sake, and walking around muttering the usual passive-aggressive quacks about what a horrible person I am, how I lied to him, how I have ruined everybodies' lives, etc. I was an absolute wreck for several hours. I went to bed on time, and slept for about an hour before I woke up with that anxiety. So I came here to remind myself of my path, and why I am walking my particular path.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Thanks, Rita - I, too, have been wondering how everyone here has been doing, just too busy or self-absorbed (more the truth) to post here....sigh.
Yes, I have a lot going on, but I cannot forget my recovery or where I learned some things that have changed my life, and this is one of those threads.
I am happy to say that I've had a day where I'm darned near in tears with gratitude. I finally got back to work at the sr. center, where I had FIVE people ask for my business card. I didn't have any on me, but facing numerous boxes to look through when I got home, I found them in the first box.
I spent time with my stepsister, her hubby, my niece, nephew and sweet boxer who thinks she's a lap dog. I tried to call bratkin, she rarely answers. Sent her a text and never heard back but I'm okay. I know it doesn't mean she doesn't love me. She's 20, has lost two moms and is going through a hard time. She, her hubby and baby love me, and I them.
I'm letting go of expectations or trying to figure out what she's thinking (something my dad still does as he has NO codie recovery). A friend of my sm's, and mine, helped me out this weekend in donating/throwing away a lot of stuff and she told dad "you've GOT to stop trying to help everyone out. It will wear you out, or kill you, and they will not learn how to fend for themselves".
I've said it many a time, but maybe coming from someone else he might here it. If not? I'm still working MY recovery and holding on tight to those who love and support me.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Yes, I have a lot going on, but I cannot forget my recovery or where I learned some things that have changed my life, and this is one of those threads.
I am happy to say that I've had a day where I'm darned near in tears with gratitude. I finally got back to work at the sr. center, where I had FIVE people ask for my business card. I didn't have any on me, but facing numerous boxes to look through when I got home, I found them in the first box.
I spent time with my stepsister, her hubby, my niece, nephew and sweet boxer who thinks she's a lap dog. I tried to call bratkin, she rarely answers. Sent her a text and never heard back but I'm okay. I know it doesn't mean she doesn't love me. She's 20, has lost two moms and is going through a hard time. She, her hubby and baby love me, and I them.
I'm letting go of expectations or trying to figure out what she's thinking (something my dad still does as he has NO codie recovery). A friend of my sm's, and mine, helped me out this weekend in donating/throwing away a lot of stuff and she told dad "you've GOT to stop trying to help everyone out. It will wear you out, or kill you, and they will not learn how to fend for themselves".
I've said it many a time, but maybe coming from someone else he might here it. If not? I'm still working MY recovery and holding on tight to those who love and support me.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Hi all! My little guy and I were so, so sick last week. I had a terrible cold--the worst one I've had in YEARS. It settled into my chest, and I have asthma, so I was miserable. My little guy had a bad tummy bug.
Anyway, I'm doing fine. After our big blowup, my AH and I went to see our pastor, who turned out to be fantastic. I was so nervous that he would tell us "just do what the Bible says, and everything will be fine," or "you must do what your AH says, because he is the man." I could not have been more wrong. We met with him together, then we each met with him individually the next morning, and again together the next evening. Our pastor basically instructed us to work on ourselves. He asked my AH to text or email him a couple of times a week while he's gone. No idea if my AH has done that.
My AH went 2000 miles away for a job, and spent $1000 to do it. Got there...no job. He hasn't paid our December rent, and has no money to buy Christmas gifts. He was very, very upset about the whole thing (understandably so), and I have been able to feel sincere yet detached compassion for him, without taking his feelings on as my own. It has been a huge victory for me and my recovery. My AH finally left the Pacific Northwest and drove back closer to home for a job about 500 miles from here. It doesn't pay as much nor does it have the overtime he had been promised out west, but at least it's something. He has stayed with his dad the first few nights, but I don't know if that's his long-term plan. They have a very difficult and complex relationship; his dad was physically and verbally abusive to my AH, my AH's sisters, and my AH's mother. I'm sure his dad has offered to give him some money to get him home for Christmas and for gifts, but my AH has so much pride in general, and ESPECIALLY where his dad is concerned, I don't know if he'd take it. I would like to think he would...after all, it's not really about my AH...this is about our son, and our son wants to be with his daddy at Christmas. But again...it's not my decision, and it's none of my business. I have holiday plans to make Christmas fun for all three kids (my girls will be with me for Christmas this year), and if my AH is here, fine. If not, fine. We will enjoy ourselves regardless.
Talking to our pastor has helped me so, so much. He has a lot of background with Al Anon, and definitely "gets it" when it comes to dealing with an emotionally abusive active addict. In our one-on-one session he asked me, in the most pastor-y way possible, why I am still with AH. I also felt that he and the church will support me and my AH no matter the outcome. I have friends with horror stories about being asked to leave their church once they got divorced. But the pastor made it clear that he is here to be a sounding board and provide help and guidance in the event of a split, too.
Anyway, I've had a hard time getting into the holiday spirit...my tree isn't decorated yet, gifts aren't wrapped, etc. Being sick really threw a wrench into my usual holiday schedule (and I'm super Type A--I love my schedules, LOL). I have a couple of small things left to buy for the kids, and it's going to be a lean Christmas this year, but I am starting to finally get excited about the holidays, and especially for the time I will have with my children all together.
Anyway, I'm doing fine. After our big blowup, my AH and I went to see our pastor, who turned out to be fantastic. I was so nervous that he would tell us "just do what the Bible says, and everything will be fine," or "you must do what your AH says, because he is the man." I could not have been more wrong. We met with him together, then we each met with him individually the next morning, and again together the next evening. Our pastor basically instructed us to work on ourselves. He asked my AH to text or email him a couple of times a week while he's gone. No idea if my AH has done that.
My AH went 2000 miles away for a job, and spent $1000 to do it. Got there...no job. He hasn't paid our December rent, and has no money to buy Christmas gifts. He was very, very upset about the whole thing (understandably so), and I have been able to feel sincere yet detached compassion for him, without taking his feelings on as my own. It has been a huge victory for me and my recovery. My AH finally left the Pacific Northwest and drove back closer to home for a job about 500 miles from here. It doesn't pay as much nor does it have the overtime he had been promised out west, but at least it's something. He has stayed with his dad the first few nights, but I don't know if that's his long-term plan. They have a very difficult and complex relationship; his dad was physically and verbally abusive to my AH, my AH's sisters, and my AH's mother. I'm sure his dad has offered to give him some money to get him home for Christmas and for gifts, but my AH has so much pride in general, and ESPECIALLY where his dad is concerned, I don't know if he'd take it. I would like to think he would...after all, it's not really about my AH...this is about our son, and our son wants to be with his daddy at Christmas. But again...it's not my decision, and it's none of my business. I have holiday plans to make Christmas fun for all three kids (my girls will be with me for Christmas this year), and if my AH is here, fine. If not, fine. We will enjoy ourselves regardless.
Talking to our pastor has helped me so, so much. He has a lot of background with Al Anon, and definitely "gets it" when it comes to dealing with an emotionally abusive active addict. In our one-on-one session he asked me, in the most pastor-y way possible, why I am still with AH. I also felt that he and the church will support me and my AH no matter the outcome. I have friends with horror stories about being asked to leave their church once they got divorced. But the pastor made it clear that he is here to be a sounding board and provide help and guidance in the event of a split, too.
Anyway, I've had a hard time getting into the holiday spirit...my tree isn't decorated yet, gifts aren't wrapped, etc. Being sick really threw a wrench into my usual holiday schedule (and I'm super Type A--I love my schedules, LOL). I have a couple of small things left to buy for the kids, and it's going to be a lean Christmas this year, but I am starting to finally get excited about the holidays, and especially for the time I will have with my children all together.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Hi folks 
In looking back over this year, I've come out better than how I started. I've dealt with grief, greed, malice and trauma, but I've maintained serenity. I look for joyful miracles every day and with absolute faith they will appear.
Thank you God for recovery.
Wishing and praying for a blessed New Year for all of us
In looking back over this year, I've come out better than how I started. I've dealt with grief, greed, malice and trauma, but I've maintained serenity. I look for joyful miracles every day and with absolute faith they will appear.
Thank you God for recovery.
Wishing and praying for a blessed New Year for all of us
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I'm glad I went looking for this thread though I'm several months late 
I'm doing well..... incredibly well. I'm living life the way I want and appreciate on many levels that I'm also incredibly blessed. At this point I just want to live long enough and healthy enough to fully enjoy it all. There's still so much more I want to do and it's gonna take me several years
I don't feel like I belong anywhere specific on this board any more. I'm not comfortable sharing as much either, outside of offering support to those who want it. The dynamic here has changed so much.
I'm doing well..... incredibly well. I'm living life the way I want and appreciate on many levels that I'm also incredibly blessed. At this point I just want to live long enough and healthy enough to fully enjoy it all. There's still so much more I want to do and it's gonna take me several years
I don't feel like I belong anywhere specific on this board any more. I'm not comfortable sharing as much either, outside of offering support to those who want it. The dynamic here has changed so much.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Chino - Yeah, I understand you but am thrilled to see you back here
I was without internet for a few months and am still trying to catch up. I am living life on life's terms, trying to manage being a caregiver and not a codie, and though it's stressful, I've gotten way better at stepping back.
I'm sorry this thread has lost it's momentum, but I am blessed to say I still find a lot of support from people here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I was without internet for a few months and am still trying to catch up. I am living life on life's terms, trying to manage being a caregiver and not a codie, and though it's stressful, I've gotten way better at stepping back.
I'm sorry this thread has lost it's momentum, but I am blessed to say I still find a lot of support from people here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I sprained my ankle (again) the other day and had to cancel a trip with my mom. The last time I spent the day with her was very nice; we both kept it light and somewhat impersonal. I have no hopes about a mother daughter relationship at this late date in our lives, and will settle for companionship. She called me last night to ask how my ankle was doing and I reminded myself not to read anything into it.
I've found moments of enjoyment these last two days. I've been sitting on my deck, listening to my windchimes and watching boats go by, along with the last hummingbird stragglers. Two of them have flown right up to me, about a foot from my face, and they are exquisite!
I've also had time to think about my next steps with an inheritance. It's mind numbing, a tremendous responsibility, and it's every month. I'm using everything I've learned about enabling and codependency. It's so tempting to fix everyone's problems but I know I can't do that.
My husband did decide to buy our daughter some furniture to sit on (she didn't have any to speak of) and I was so overwhelmed by her choices. She looked at all the price tags and finally chose the least expensive sofa and loveseat. When her dad tried to get her to buy a coffee table, she put her foot down and said she could find something at a garage or estate sale.
My son told me not to bother offering to pay off his house. It's something he wants to do for himself.
My world is so beautiful right now it brings tears to my eyes. I am blessed.
I've found moments of enjoyment these last two days. I've been sitting on my deck, listening to my windchimes and watching boats go by, along with the last hummingbird stragglers. Two of them have flown right up to me, about a foot from my face, and they are exquisite!
I've also had time to think about my next steps with an inheritance. It's mind numbing, a tremendous responsibility, and it's every month. I'm using everything I've learned about enabling and codependency. It's so tempting to fix everyone's problems but I know I can't do that.
My husband did decide to buy our daughter some furniture to sit on (she didn't have any to speak of) and I was so overwhelmed by her choices. She looked at all the price tags and finally chose the least expensive sofa and loveseat. When her dad tried to get her to buy a coffee table, she put her foot down and said she could find something at a garage or estate sale.
My son told me not to bother offering to pay off his house. It's something he wants to do for himself.
My world is so beautiful right now it brings tears to my eyes. I am blessed.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Today, I looked at my post count and saw that I was only 2 posts away from 8,000! Now, I know that some people are far more active here than I, but to me, 8,000 posts is a milestone.
So I started thinking, where did I want my 8,000th post to be?
So much has changed since I have joined SR. I got married and was widowed. My stepson is still active in his alcoholism and addiction. I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other because that is all any of us can do.
When I first joined SR, this thread, Codependency and Beyond, was one of my happy places to visit, but I haven't posted on one of these threads in years...maybe 5 or 6? So what better place to write my 8,000th post than here, on this thread that meant so much to me when I began!!
So here is my celebration!!
So I started thinking, where did I want my 8,000th post to be?
So much has changed since I have joined SR. I got married and was widowed. My stepson is still active in his alcoholism and addiction. I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other because that is all any of us can do.
When I first joined SR, this thread, Codependency and Beyond, was one of my happy places to visit, but I haven't posted on one of these threads in years...maybe 5 or 6? So what better place to write my 8,000th post than here, on this thread that meant so much to me when I began!!
So here is my celebration!!
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