MsPINKAcres

((lisa))

I am glad your HP sent the cd to you at the right time ~ I pray that the story of all the hope, light, love and recovery that my HP has give me to walk my path will help you with yours ~

Sunshine came home yesterday after being with her moms family for about a week - she stayed with her Aunts (her mom's two younger sisters) and a day or so with her grandma (mom's mom) She had a great time, but of course it stirs up memories of her mom. So we snuggled a little extra time last nite in bed. She went to church with one of her Aunts - she said "ReeRee, the Preacher said you are not suppose to love anything or anyone more that God, but I really really love and miss my Mom. but I love God too. Do you think I'm wrong?"

I hugged her really close and said "Sweetie, who gave you Mom?
She said "God did"
I said "well then how could it be bad to love & miss Mom so much. Like I tell you, YOU have the right to believe how you want, but what I believe is that God is so big and loves us so much that HE understands how much we love our Moms and all our familes. I think God's heart is so big He understands how we feel and just wants us to love Him the best way we can."
She said "oh good - cause I really do love both of them but I just really love my momma right now"
I said "I just think that is perfectly fine."

SO SO SO grateful for a program of recovery that allows me to be OPEN to these words that have to come from my GOD and to have the heart willing to allow her to express these thoughts ~

before recovery who knows how that conversation would have gone ~

today I can be an honest open and willing place for her to seek answers until she is ready to find them for herself - what a true pinkful blessing

I pray that each you find a time to be honest open and willing today ~ it truly makes your heart leap with joy ~

pink hugs

Gypsy Feet

Monday, July 8, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Going with the Flow

Go with the flow.

Let go of fear and your need to control. Relinquish anxiety. Let it slip away, as you dive into the river of the present moment, the river of your life, your place in the universe.

Stop trying to force the direction. Try not to swim against the current, unless it is necessary for your survival. If you've been clinging to a branch at the riverside, let go.

Let yourself move forward. Let yourself be moved forward.

Avoid the rapids when possible. If you can't, stay relaxed. Staying relaxed can take your safely through fierce currents. If you go under for a moment, allow yourself to surface naturally. You will.

Appreciate the beauty of the scenery, as it is. See things with freshness, with newness. You shall never pass by today's scenery again!

Don't think too hard about things. The flow is meant to be experienced. Within it, care for yourself. You are part of the flow, an important part. Work with the flow. Work within the flow. Thrashing about isn't necessary. Let the flow help you care for yourself. Let it help you set boundaries, make decisions, and get you where you need to be when it is time. You can trust the flow, and your part in it.

Today, I will go with the flow.

MsPINKAcres

Hope for Today – September 21

Sometimes as I struggle with the effects of having grown up with the disease of alcoholism, the path seems too difficult to travel. I forget that there are ups and downs to any journey, and I feel overcome with disappointment with my seemingly slow progress. Then my Higher Power reminds me of a history lesson I once learned, and I regain hope.

An expedition of the Grand Canyon traveled along the Colorado River. Halfway through the canyon, the explorers encountered dangerous rapids. Some of the explorers were killed as the thrashing waters hurled them about. The others managed to get ashore where they gathered their wits to assess the situation. Although the river ahead looked choppy and menacing, some of the crew decided to forge ahead. They felt they had traveled too far to turn back. The others decided to return home on foot. The explorers who went ahead faced dangerous waters for a short period, but the remainder of their journey was safe, calm and beautiful. Those who turned back actually face greater dangers and they did not survive.

This story reminds me how valuable it is to persistently move forward in the program. When the road ahead looks threatening and I want to turn back to my old attitudes and behaviors, I remember that I’m not alone on my path. I have the wisdom of a Power greater than myself, the tools of the program, and the experience, strength and hope of my fellow travelers in Al-Anon to support me.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
During bleak periods of my recovery, my Higher Power reminds me that the best way out is through.

“Today I will pause at a crossroad and listen for my Higher Power’s voice.” Courage to Change, p. 81

MsPINKAcres

This is a good but yet sad reading for me ~

I think of those people I know who have entered recovery - travel part of the way - in AA and in Al-Anon and then stopped or even left the program - relapsed and have gone back to the "old"way of living -

some of them have not survived ~ some of them are still "out there" in the depths of the disease ~ it is heartbreaking.

It reminds me that I must work hard and depend upon my HP to keep me focused on my recovery ~ the disease is constantly calling for us to go back to that old life ~

I for one don't want that ~ I love this new life and new freedom ~

My codependency would bring me back to a place of dark depression and death ~ a place I hope to never live again.

So grateful for my SR family, my Al-Anon family and my HP that helps my recovery stay healthy!

I pray the same for each of you!

pink hugs!

Wisconsin

Oh folks, I am in such a codie shame spiral right now. I had such a huge, huge codie relapse tonight, and I feel absolutely horrible about myself. I KNOW I am capable of handling these situations so much better than I did tonight. I haven't wigged out this much in a long time, and it feels awful.

MsPINKAcres

((Wisconsin))

I hate that you had such a horrid time - I know when that happens to me - I too feel awful about it.

But what I have learned in my recovery is that TODAY I can recognize that I will have slips - I can own my mistakes, I can make amends, - not only in words, but also in actions.

I can not undo what I have done - but I can apologize for my actions and responses - without justifying (which was very big for me - I of course could always justify my actions !! lol

And I could not only let my loved ones know that I would be making every effort to change my behaviors and actions to a more healthy way but that I could also show them those actions & words would be different.

Beating myself up and berating myself never helped anyone ~ it only kept me paralyzed from walking thru to the Next Step of my recovery.

So we fall ~ The next thing is to with the help of our recovery program, our HP and our trusted recovery friends - we pick ourselves up and we try again -

We are worth it!

YOU are worth it!

PINK HUGS!!!!!

Wisconsin

Thanks so much Rita! That is precisely, exactly what I needed...NEEDED...to hear right now. I get so wound up in my own self-righteousness sometimes, so upset and hurt that my AH won't apologize for this or that, or is being irrational, or whatever, which leads to resentment, which leads to me hating myself even more. When what I really need to do is own my behavior, apologize for it (without strings attached that require he apologize to me, too), resolve to do better, and then actually DO BETTER. Not for him, but for me, because this toxic pattern affects my emotional and physical well-being so much.

Thanks again.

MsPINKAcres

and when we become aware, we can make the choice to act!

this is awesome!!! great recovery!!
keep it up!!

pink hugs!

Impurrfect

I'm finally home from all my travels!! Got back a few hours ago. Had a wonderful time but found out my aunt Phyllis has times when she is like g'ma and mean When I was growing up they were both mean, I later realized aunt P was in excruciating back pain (has had 2 surgeries) and she still has some pains.

She had to mention all my "toys" - had my smart phone, Nook and laptop. In the meantime, she is paying my cousin's bills and complaining about him going to the bar 3-4 times/week? I did my best to just keep my mouth shut, but I didn't always do it

Wisconsin - We ALL slip back into codie land, I think. We beat ourselves up, then we realize that we have the power to get back OUT of codie land, we become more aware and we improve. Give yourself a break

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Wisconsin

Thanks everyone. My AH came home for less than 24 hours last weekend, to visit briefly and pick up his dog. The very first thing he did when he walked in the door was open a beer; he went through a six pack that day. I kept my cool and didn't say a word until the next day. I knew I had to say something to him about this, but did not want to say it with him in the house and risk a blow up in front of the kids. I waited until he was several hours away, then called him and told him calmly how surprised I was to see him drink (full disclosure just amongst us friends: I was not really surprised to see him drink, to be honest) in light of his heartfelt assurances and promise that he was quitting. I told him calmly that if he chooses to continue to drink, I cannot choose to continue to be married to him. He fussed and whined and got upset, made all kinds of crazy alcoholic excuses for himself. I stood my ground, gently but firmly. And that was that. He has made some passive aggressive comments this week about hating the "uncertainty" in our marriage. The first time he said that, I stated calmly that I don't see any uncertainty. I have made my path clear to him, and he knows exactly what my plans are if he quits, and what my plans are if he chooses not to quit. After that, I have just ignored his comments about "uncertainty." I haven't said a word about drinking, and my obsessing has been minimal. Feels good after such a rotten codie episode last week.

It's crazy hot here this week. My little guy and I are camping in the living room, where we have air conditioning. The girls come back home on Sunday night, by which time the heat wave should be over for us.

Impurrfect

Good for YOU Wisconsin!!!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Wisconsin

Wowee, I am fighting hard against another codie episode tonight. Thank my HP that I thought to come here to give voice to my feelings, and try very hard to not let this blow up into a meaningless conflict with my AH.

My AH is working out of state. I have made it clear that I will file for divorce if he continues to drink. Within myself, I am fighting hard to remember the following:

1. I cannot "know" if he is drinking at any moment of the day while he is gone. I need to let go of that co-dependent, controlling "need," and just accept that he will do what he does.

2. I need to trust myself, and my instincts. Without exception, every time he is home I know whether or not he is working toward sobriety. I mean, it is PAINFULLY obvious. I need to let go of my obsessive need to know what he is doing while he's away, and keep the big picture in mind.

That said, I called him an hour ago to report in our son's potty training, and it was pretty obvious to me that he's been drinking today. I'm fighting like heck against that part of me that wants to scream "why on God's green earth are you drinking?!? You aren't fooling me! I KNOW you're drinking, and any denials will be a waste of breath!" Of course, we all know how that conversation would turn out, and how pointless it would be. I'm telling myself that over and over, because he is going to call again before bedtime and I know that urge to confront him will boil up. My plan is to keep the conversation as short as possible, then watch a brainless television show and go to bed.

Impurrfect

Wisconsin - it took me a while to trust my instinct, then had to work through the anger at KNOWING I was right, proof or not.

I finally realized I was done with XABF#3 (the fact that I had THREE XABFs doesn't speak well for me) when I realized it wouldn't matter if he got 5 years clean...I'd always be waiting for "the other shoe to drop". Too many bridges had been broken that could not be repaired.

Not saying that will happen with you, just what did it for me and decades of codie-ness and addiction.

Dad tells me, today, sm may not be coming home...will stay at the bratkins. He's already threatened to turn off their phones, which I told him he's threatened so many times, no one pays him any attention. He did tell her that he will send her her SS check and SHE can pay for her meds and stuff out of that.

It's a good idea, but I seriously doubt he will follow through. I've got enough on my plate, I'm just listening and saying "hmmmmm" except for the phone part.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Wisconsin

Good for you Amy! I am so inspired by your ability to keep that whole situation at arm's length.

I wonder a lot if I will ever be able to get past some of the things that my AH has done and said over the past few years during this relapse, even if he does achieve sobriety. But I'm trying not to get bogged down in that right now. He is hundreds of miles away, and I am able to focus better on myself and the kids. My neighbor and I started the Couch to 5K running program on Sunday. I am very, very excited to be doing it and taking steps toward being healthier. I may not ever even need to decide if I can move past my AH's behavior; if he doesn't find sobriety it won't matter either way. Right now I am just grateful for the opportunity to have some space and distance from all the drama, so I can work on me.

And I am PROUD to say that I never once "confronted" my AH about how I was positive he had been drinking over the weekend. That is huge growth for me!

Impurrfect

Wisconsin - that IS huge!!! I remember the first time I didn't confront sm about being "loopy as he!!" (as my aunt Phyllis would say).

It was like I FINALLY realized "what good would it do? I know what I know". I still, sometimes, give her a certain look and I probably need to work on that, too, but haven't seen her but one day in the last month, so not a problem!!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Wisconsin

Amy, that is exactly the kind of philosophy I am trying to implement. The codie control freak in me is very uncomfortable that I can't "know" whether he is drinking at any given moment while he is away. But I am working hard to release that to the universe, and just TRUST myself to know (especially when he is home). I have to trust myself and my HP that in the end, I will know what I know, and make good decisions based on what I know.

Impurrfect

Wisconsin - you'll get there You'll get tired of insane conversations that usually make YOU out to be the bad guy (or that's what's happened to me), only to end up MORE frustrated and angry.

The same thing happened when my niece and I used to have terrible screaming fights. I just HAD to respond. One day it clicked...."shut up...she will get tired of arguing with herself". Holy moly, it worked. Why that day? Have no idea, but guess I'd just had enough and all that I'd read and heard finally sunk through my thick head

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

MsPINKAcres

((wisconsin))

I remember the day that it happened for me - I was then with my now exah - I knew he was using again - it was obvious - but he was still attending meetings, acutally just accepted a position in his home group being responsible for money when he was stealing from me & others, driving without a license, blah, blah, blah - you know the drill ~

And I was about to start "spilling my words of wisdom" to him and it clicked I remember looking in my mirror and saying "if you want something different you have to be willing to do something different" ~

So I finished brushing my teeth (the Next Right Thing) and went on with my day and didn't say a thing to him ~ Life went on like that for about 6-9 months - then I finally got the message from my HP that I was free to leave and I moved out!
That was my path - not saying it is yours - but that was mine.

Keep taking good care of you & working your program - your HP will lead you where you need to be!

MsPINKAcres

Well as you can tell I'm back from vacation - it was wonderful!!

Gulf shore, visit with Mr. PINK's family and Parasailing!!!! wahooooo ~

Then this past week we were suppose to have the other 3 granddaughters to spoil rotten but my daughter backed out on her promise - It was very disappointing to us and the granddaughters - but I can't control her dysfunction.

Anyway - I don't post pics here often but let me see if I can post a pic -

nope - I can't - i'm sure it needs to be resize and all that jazz and I don't know how to do all that ~ ugh!!

anyway - if you are on my FB - you can see them & if your not - send me a friend request & I will add you!

PINK HUGS to all - it's good to be back!

Wisconsin

Had to post a little something positive today. My ex-husband and I split up 6 years ago, and he did NOT want the divorce. During the first five years, he displayed a very sad amount of tremendous emotional immaturity and a total lack of coping skills. He is not an A, but much like being married to an A is like being married to a child, my ex-husband is very emotionally stunted for totally different reasons but the end result is the same. Our older daughter, who is 13 and very mature and emotionally astute has had issues with him for several years (his unwillingness to listen to anything she has to say, to totally discount anyone being sad or mad because he grew up in a family where everyone had to always pretend to be happy, etc.). We have had many conversations about him over the years, during which I always emphasize that her dad loves her and is generally a great dad, and that he had a totally different kind of upbringing than her so he has a totally different worldview.

We have BOTH noticed over the last year or so that he has begun to mature a little, and to move past some of the hurt and negativity that has so obviously been motivating him for a long time. I have long believed that the single hardest thing to do as a human being is to look at yourself, identify the things that aren't working for you, and do the hard work to change yourself so that you can be happier. I'm glad to say that my ex-husband seems to have done some of that, and I think it's great. He's a good man, and I pray every day that he will find a way to be happy in his life and maybe someday meet someone to share his life with.